by Kelly Utt
Looking back, I can’t help but think about how I might have felt differently if I weren’t Ethan’s biological father. I assume Ali and I would have found a way to stay together. If she had told me what had happened the night she woke up at Clive‘s apartment not knowing what had transpired between them, I’d like to think I would have understood. At least, eventually. I’d like to think I would’ve loved Ethan as my own, even if he weren’t. But then, I might have been excited in a different way when Leo was born, knowing he was, for certain, my biological son. I’d like to think it wouldn’t have made a difference and that I would have felt just the same about Ethan and Leo despite biology, but I can’t say for sure. The knowledge that Ethan wasn’t my biological son probably would have changed our family dynamics. I’m not sure how those dynamics could have stayed the same if Ethan had been fathered by another man.
From the beginning, Ali and I progressed in life almost exactly the way we wanted to. We did things by the book, per se. When we met, we became exclusive right away. We were completely devoted to each other. Neither of us had been engaged or married before, so it was all brand new and special. Plenty of people find happiness after one or more dissolved marriages, but I never wanted that for myself. I remember the day we went down to the town hall to apply for a marriage license. I remember how, on the application form, there was a little box that asked which marriage number it was for each party. I remember feeling proud as we each wrote the number one in our most careful penmanship. Up until the other day, I thought our family and our kids were by the book as well, conceived and parented by just us. No stepparents or blended families.
The day I met Ali, I knew I’d never make love to another woman again. I knew we belonged together. She was mine and I was hers. I’ve never cheated on her. Never even considered it. I wanted our kids to be ours without any question of paternity. I know she wanted the same thing.
By the time we became pregnant with little Will, we were deeply entrenched in parenthood. Our lives revolved around snacks, naps, play dates, and all things little kids. We knew we wanted to have four children and we figured we might as well go on and have them pretty close together so they could grow up together and, hopefully, be friends. Ali was still breastfeeding Leo when she became pregnant with Will. The pregnancy wasn’t planned, exactly, but we weren’t using birth control and we knew our next baby would be on the way soon. We were baby-making machines at that point, loving every minute of it. I thought we almost had it all.
The day we found out we were pregnant with our littlest guy went much the same as the day we found out we are pregnant with Leo. I was with Ali in the bathroom when she peed on the stick and the test came up positive with two distinct, pink lines. Again, we jumped up and down together and, for old time’s sake, we danced right there in the bathroom as my wife leaned her head on my shoulder. It wasn’t long after that we decided to move back home to Ithaca. Looking back, I think that was the happiest point of all. The family we had always envisioned was coming to fruition in the most beautiful way. We were moving home to be near family and to put down permanent roots. Life was full of possibility and newness, ripe for enjoyment.
Those days are a stark contrast to how muddled everything has become.
When Ali wakes up, I’ll be the one to tell her she’s pregnant with our fourth baby. We won’t get to watch a pregnancy test turn up two pink lines. We won’t get to dance together in the bathroom. Instead, we’ll be in the hospital intensive care unit where Ali will learn that not only is she pregnant, but that she’s undergone a complicated surgery and has a difficult recovery ahead. Her morning sickness will be mixed with all sorts of other illnesses related to her recovery. I’m grateful for the pregnancy and for our fourth baby holding firm in the face of obstacles. But I’m sad to miss out on the regular-life moments which have become sweet tradition.
I turn my attention to all the things I need to accomplish today as I pour myself a cup of coffee and step out onto the back deck, then walk down onto the dock. I’m not usually a coffee drinker, but lately, a full mug of java seems to hit the spot. Maybe it’s something about the ritual of holding the cup and having something to do with my hands. Otherwise, they’d be entirely too fidgety. The air is damp as I sip my beverage. Even though it’s still summer and the days are warm, it’s cool out this morning.
The lake helps me think. I sit down on the dock with my legs crossed, just like I did yesterday evening. There are Adirondack chairs nearby, but I feel like being closer to the water and so opt for getting situated right on the weathered boards of the dock. I have a number of problems to solve. I want to tackle them with the mindset of a predator. I’m done being reactive and waiting for things to happen to us.
I hear the back door to the house open and close, so I turn my head around to see who it is. It’s Liam. He must have just returned from the grocery store as I stepped outside. I’m glad to see him. I was a little concerned about him being at the Bi-Mart by himself, given the recent history.
“Good morning, buddy,“ my uncle says. “Is it alright if I join you?“
“Of course,” I say. “Since I take it, you survived the media frenzy out front, I could use your help figuring out how to tackle everything. I’m making a mental to-do list.“
“Okay,” my uncle says as he sits down next to me and leans back on his palms. “What’s up?“
He doesn’t mention the media circus. I know they must have hounded him as he exited and later reentered the driveway, but I also know he wouldn’t have given them an interview. The military trained Liam to withstand interrogation, the same as they did me. We both completed prisoner of war school successfully. If members of the media think they could break my uncle and get him to talk, they would be sorely mistaken.
“You know what’s up,“ I say. “I don’t have to tell you the details.“
“You’re right,“ he says with a chuckle. “So what do you want to start on first?“
“That’s the question,” I say. “I want to move forward on offense. I’m done waiting around and getting hurt because of it. You’re still flying back to Ithaca this evening, right?“
“That’s right,” he says. “You and the boys are set up with plenty of groceries. They should last you the better part of the week.“
“What a huge help,” I say. “Thank you.“
“Don’t mention it,“ my uncle replies. “It’s the least I can do.“
“Are you ready to move quickly on business arrangements when you get there?“ I ask.
“I am,” my uncle says. “Not only will I take care of everything we talked about, but I’m also going to do a little house hunting and will try to lock something down. I’m not picky, so it shouldn’t be hard to find a place I’ll be happy with.“
“That’s great,” I say. “I look forward to the day when things are back to normal and we can sit on the dock and drink beer like we used to do on the Potomac at your house in D.C.“
“That day will come. Don’t you worry,“ he says.
“What kind of house are you going to look for?“ I ask, leaning back on my palms and mimicking my uncle’s pose.
“I don’t know,“ he begins. “I’m still kicking around ideas. I guess I need to decide whether I want a small place like a condo or a townhouse, or whether I want to go bigger and get a house with a nice view of the water. What would you do, if you were me?“
“That’s a tough call,” I say. “For a single bachelor, a small space might be all you need. But then again, there’s nothing like a lake view to soothe the soul.”
“I hear that,” he replies. “Maybe there’s a mixture of the two out there somewhere. Maybe a small cottage or a cabin with a lake view would hit the spot.“
“That sounds excellent,” I say. “Enough room for your nieces and nephews to stay overnight and enough room to get a dog and host a few dinner parties, but minimal upkeep. I think there are a few places like that along Cayuga Lake, probably not far from our house. Or you could
always have something built.”
“That’s not a bad idea,” he says. “If only I had a place to stay while my house is being built...“
We laugh together. If feels good to laugh.
“Look at us, talking like I wasn’t on a roof fighting two big guys last night.“
“Yeah,“ my uncle says. “And like I wasn’t held captive after being overpowered by one of those guys.“
We laugh again. We might as well.
“When are you going back to the hospital?“ Liam asks.
“This afternoon. Dr. Wong says they’re going to try to wake Ali up. Of course, I want to be there when they do.”
“Are you sure you’re going to be okay here without me?” Liam asks.
“I think so,” I say. “Getting the business going is high priority. By the way, we still haven’t come up with a name. Any ideas?“
“I feel like Roddy should be here for any name-related conversation,” Liam says.
“That would be nice, but he’s still at the hospital sitting with Ali. If we can come up with something, I’m sure he’ll be fine with it. I don’t think the name is that big of a deal to him.“
“Alright, then,” Liam says. “I’ve given it a little consideration. Haven’t come up with anything fancy or clever, but I’m thinking something with simple words which communicate the essence of what we do. Words like tactical, surveillance, or aerial. We can put them together any number of ways. Tactical Aerial is simple enough. Or maybe Tactical Aerial Protection. What do you think?“
“Those all sound fine to me,” I reply. “I expect our core business of using drones to provide residential security and surveillance to stay the same long-term. I do want to weaponize those drones and perhaps enhance surveillance and tracking, but at its heart, the business will be about protection made possible by unmanned aerial vehicles.“
“What about something like Tactical Aerial Guardian? I’m just thinking out loud here. Help me out,“ Liam prompts.
“We could play to the guardian angel archetype,” I say. “That’s not a bad thought. It might help soften what could otherwise be a threatening image. So how do we put those together? Aerial Guardian? Tactical Aerial Angel?”
“I like that direction,” my uncle says. “We could shorten tactical to tac. What about TacAngel or TacGuardian? Although, maybe this is getting worse instead of better.“
We smile at each other and then gaze quietly out at the lake for a minute. We’re both thinking.
“We have a little more time to decide,” Liam says. “Think about it. I’ll give you a call or text before I hit the Secretary of State’s office tomorrow. We can decide what to write on the official paperwork then.“
“Sounds like a plan,” I say.
“So what else is on that mental to-do list of yours?”
“You mean, besides finding a way to take care of three little boys and comforting them after the trauma they’ve been through, all while not knowing if my wife is even going to wake up?“
Liam puts one hand on my shoulder and looks me in the eye.
“George,“ he begins. “Whatever happens, I’m here for you. I’ve got your back and I’m not going anywhere. When my leave is done, I only have a short period of time during which I have to wrap things up with the Air Force. Then I’ll be in Ithaca full-time. My place is with you and your family for the foreseeable future. Don’t think you’re facing this alone, because you’re most definitely not.“
“I appreciate that more than you know,” I say. “I honestly have no idea what I’d do without you.“
He gives my shoulder a couple of pats and then a squeeze.
“Don’t give it another thought, because you’ll never have to.“
I look carefully at my uncle’s face. He looks unscathed from the events of last night. I haven’t had a chance to hear exactly what transpired when Clive overpowered him, but he looks fresh and new like nothing happened. I think that’s one of the secrets to my uncle’s vitality and good nature. No matter what happens, he rebounds quickly and doesn’t let it get him down. I could stand to be more like him in that regard.
“I have something I need to tell you.”
“Alright,” he replies. “Go ahead.“
“It isn’t so much my news as it is Roddy’s,” I continue. “He shared something with me yesterday evening while we were out searching for Clive’s truck and trying to figure out how we were going to find you. It was just the two of us. He didn’t want to tell me, but finally, he did.“
“Should you be telling me now, without his permission?“ my uncle asks.
“Maybe not,“ I say. “But I’m going to anyway. I’m pretty sure Roddy will understand why I would want to tell you. I don’t think he’ll mind. And if he does, I think he’ll forgive me.“
“Okay then, what is it?“
I blurt it out. No point in cushioning it. I don’t think there’s any easy or tactful way to say it anyway. I figure I might as well just put it out there in all its ugliness. “My father-in-law has colon cancer.”
“Oh, no,” Liam says, rubbing one hand just above his knee as if the motion is helping him process the bad news. “That’s no good at all.“
“I know,” I say. “It’s part of the reason he and Marjorie decided to move to Ithaca. He says he’ll have to start chemo soon and that it will take his strength. Life in Ithaca will be more manageable than in life in Manhattan.“
“I can see that,” Liam replies. “It will be a slower pace, anyway. What’s the prognosis?“
“He doesn’t know yet. He says it could go either way.“
We sit silently for a few minutes, contemplating a possible future without Roddy as we know him. It’s hard to imagine. Not only do we want him around, but we need him to help protect the family. I know we’re still in danger. Roddy has the most practical training with which to deal with that danger.
“That’s why he’s teaching you,” Liam says as the realization becomes clear in his mind.
“Yes,“ I say. “That’s right. He told me so yesterday. I wondered why he was being forceful about me learning and remembering my training, but now it all makes sense. He told me the best way he can keep the family safe is to teach me everything he knows. Even the stuff he’s not supposed to teach me.“
“Well,” Liam says. “That’s something. Roddy is a great man. It’s an honor to know him. You’re lucky to have him as a father-in-law and lucky that he will bestow his knowledge and experience upon you. Soak every bit of that up. Few people are so fortunate.“
“I agree,” I say. “Honored is the only word for it.“
Before we can discuss my father-in-law‘s health situation any further, my phone rings. I half expect it to be a member of the media who somehow got my number. They’re out there on the edge of the property like jackals, looking for a kill. Marjorie checked in at the hospital a little while ago, so I don’t expect it to be anything about Ali. I’m genuinely curious when I answer the call.
“Hello?“ I say as I put the phone to my ear.
“Major Hartmann?” the voice on the other end asks.
My mind races as I try to figure out what’s going on. Most people outside of the Air Force don’t even know my rank. They certainly wouldn’t address me by it. I’ve been officially retired now for the better part of a year. I can’t figure out who this is and what they might want.
“Yes,“ I answer. “Who’s asking?”
I stand up and walk further out towards the lake as I listen.
“Major, this is Tom Busbee calling from the Office of the Service Secretary for the United States Air Force. Sir, you’re being called back to active duty in response to a threat to national security. It’s been deemed by your superiors that your expertise is urgently needed. You’re ordered to report to the field office in Binghamton, New York within twenty-four hours. You’ll be briefed when you arrive.“
“Is this a joke?“ I ask. “You can’t be serious.“
Liam is beginning
to wonder what’s going on. He stands up and walks towards me.
“No, sir,” Tom Busbee says. “This is very real. It’s official business of the United States Armed Forces. These are official orders. Do you understand?“
“Hold on a minute, please,“ I say, then I place the call on mute and turn to my uncle.
“What is it?” Liam asks expectantly.
“This guy says he’s from the Office of the Service Secretary and that I’m being called back to active duty service due to a threat to national security. This can’t be happening right now.“ I say, in complete shock.
This is the last thing I need. If it’s true and I have to leave, my nearly impossible situation just officially became impossible. How can I keep my family safe if I’m back on active duty and deployed? Not to mention, who’s going to take care of my three little boys with their mother lying unconscious in a hospital bed? I know I have family who would step in, but they can’t necessarily thwart the kinds of threats we’re facing. I have a hard time believing the Air Force could be this unreasonable. Twenty-four hours. Have they lost their minds? Surely, when they hear what’s going on in my personal life, they’ll give me a pass. I can’t go away now.
“Oh,” Liam says.
He crosses his arms over his chest and places his index finger on top, then taps it up and down while he thinks.
“Mr. Busbee,“ I begin. “I can’t go back to active duty right now. I have extenuating personal circumstances which preclude me from doing so.“
“I’m sorry, Major. These orders come from the highest level. It’s been determined that your expertise is needed. No alternate arrangements can be made.“
“But my wife was in an accident,” I say. “She’s in the intensive care unit. Doctors don’t even know if she’s going to make it. And I’m in California. I’m not in New York.”
“I’m very sorry to hear about your wife’s condition and the accident,” Mr. Busbee says sincerely. “But I’m afraid these orders still stand, sir. You don’t have a choice. You’re being recalled under the Service Act. You must report to Binghamton, New York within twenty-four hours. You’ll be briefed when you arrive.“