by Kelly Utt
He pauses, looking to see if I’m absorbing this. “I don’t know what traumas you experienced in the military, but I know you experienced the sudden loss of your dad, the disappearance of your entire family, and now, twice, the attempted abduction of your son.”
“And the loss of John Wendell,” I add.
Joe shakes his head no in response. “Your grandfather’s death is a loss and there’s certainly grief involved, but you knew that was coming, even if only subconsciously. It’s a different mechanism and a different bodily response.”
“I see,” I say. “How about the fact that Ali probably won’t recover quickly or easily, if she recovers at all?”
“You’re right, that’s another trauma which creates a bodily response, although it’s a little different than the others because it includes both a sudden and an ongoing type of stressor. To handle it, it’s important that you process the sudden traumas which struck you like lightning. By doing so, you’ll have more energy for long-term handling of stress. Ali’s recovery is going to be a marathon, not a sprint.”
“Okay,“ I say. “What does this have to do with you being hesitant to hypnotize me?“
“It’s because this is heavy, serious stuff,” Joe replies. “Like I said when we talked yesterday, I need to be sure that I don’t overwhelm you. I need to be sure that the memories and the information don’t overwhelm you. As best as I can figure, I need to handle this the same as I would if you had repressed childhood memories. We need to take it slow.”
“I don’t have time for slow,” I say.
“I know you don’t. And that, Combined with my concerns about professional ethics, caused me to be hesitant.“
“Right,“ I say.
“But I decided to help you, because if what you suspect is true and you lived a life in Ancient Greece where some sort of conflict or vendetta from that period of time is manifesting itself again in the present, then I think you deserve to know what you’re facing. You deserve every chance to keep yourself and your family safe.“
“Thank you!“ I exclaim. “That’s what I’ve been saying. I’m glad I was finally able to get through to you.“
“When I weighed it all out, I always came back to one bottom line. The lives and safety of your family are more important than my career as one man. I say that generally as a human being, but also specifically because of how much I care for Linette. Your family is her family, too.”
I smile upon hearing this. I want Mom to have someone who cares for her.
“I suspect you’d consider the safety of your family more important than your mental balance, correct?” Joe continues.
“You are correct,” I say.
“And I assume you’re willing to sacrifice yourself for them if that’s what it takes?“
“In a heartbeat,” I say. “If I knew they would be safe, then, of course, I would sacrifice myself in any way necessary.“
“So, here we are,“ Joe says.
We gaze out at the lake together, ruminating on the seriousness of the situation. Looking at the blue water dance as the sunlight sparkles on it is a beautiful thing. Nature therapy is working for me again.
“When you’re ready,” he continues. “Tell me the relevant details so that when you’re under, I can ask questions to prompt your memory. Start at the beginning.“
“Alright,“ I say. “Do you remember what I told you that day in your office?“
“Yes, I do,” Joe confirms.
“Well, how about I start with a quick summary of what I perceive to be the most important points? You can ask me questions if you think you need more detail.”
“Yes,” he replies. “Go ahead.“
I lean back in my chair and close my eyes. I begin to speak before I open them again. “I know for sure that a lot of the people who are in my life now were also in my life in Ancient Greece,” I begin. “Ali and I loved each other very much, but our relationship wasn’t a socially acceptable one. I don’t understand all the details, but I know I was a soldier and I was considered low on the social ladder. I’m not sure what her position was exactly, but Ali was some sort of royalty. She wasn’t supposed to be with me.“
“Go on,” Joe replies.
“We loved each other deeply, I know that much. Unfortunately, I also now remember that Clive was with us. He was a member of high society at that time and was the kind of partner considered appropriate for Ali.“
I can hear Joe gasp quietly. Apparently, he hadn’t figured that part out yet. I keep my eyes closed as I tell the story. It helps me feel like I’m more in touch with it.
“Sometimes,” I continue. “When I’m in these memories, it feels like I’m being shown things. I don’t know if it’s my subconscious leading me or some kind of spirit guide, but I was shown a scene where Ali and Clive were intimate together. They were having sexual relations and it was definitely consensual. At first, I selfishly hoped maybe it wasn’t consensual, but as I watched I could see that Ali was enjoying herself. I hate to be too explicit here, but I want you to know all the details.” I hesitate before mentioning Isabel, but I go ahead. “Ali and I shared a sexual relationship with a woman who is now our family doctor in Ithaca. Her name now is Isabel Madera. Crazy, huh?”
Joe is slow to reply. He’s uncomfortable, but he’s coping. “It’s not something I hear every day. I’ll say that much,” he replies.
“The three of us enjoyed each other, but I got the idea that Isabel was most interested in Ali. From what I can discern, both Clive and Isabel sought Ali’s love and companionship. I get the idea that I might have been in their way. Or, at least, they might have perceived me as being in their way. Attitudes about sex were very different at that time. Again, I don’t remember all of the details, but I knew things were much looser than they are in modern-day America. We did some sneaking around, but I think that was mostly due to the social status issues and not the sexual behaviors we were engaging in.“
“Interesting. Go on,“ Joe prompts.
“Ali became pregnant. I thought it was my baby. I thought I was the father. The baby was Ethan. My instincts tell me that I was his father then and that I am his father now. But Clive claiming paternity in the present makes me wonder if Ethan’s paternity was also up for debate in the past. I can sort of feel that it was a hot button issue. I can feel it with some kind of intuition even though I can’t explain why or how. I’m just speculating now, but maybe Clive and I were rivals. There was some sort of governing or decision-making body who convened to vote to send me out of the city. And come to think of it, I have some information related to you. Do you want me to tell it to you?”
I open my eyes now and look over at Joe. He is visibly rattled. I get the impression that doesn’t happen easily.
“Are you claiming that you remember me being there? In Ancient Greece?“ he asks.
“Would you want to know if I did?“
Joe leans forward again and rests his elbows on his knees, much like he did the day I met him at his office in Ithaca. He has an intensity about him that’s compelling. It’s a low-key strength. A sincerity. It’s authentic in an unusual way. “I wasn’t expecting to become involved in this way,” he says quietly.
“It’s completely up to you,“ I reply. “I know Marjorie has told me in the past that she believes in letting people remember their own memories. I tend to agree.“
“Except that we’re here on a mission to solve a mystery by piecing clues together,” Joe clarifies. “Given the circumstances, go ahead and tell me.“
“Alright,” I say. “I remember you and Mom being on that decision-making body. The two of you were part of a group that voted to send Ali out of the city, along with our baby, Ethan. I had to remain on duty as a soldier.“
“Isn’t that something?“ Joe marvels, smiling. It’s more expression than he typically displays.
“Yeah,“ I say. “It surprised me, too.”
“So, Linette and I knew each other in Ancient Greece. What do you know?�
�� Joe sounds quite pleased with this bit of information.
“Yeah,” I say. “Marjorie was in Ancient Greece as well, and she said she remembers the two of you being there. She said it wasn’t a surprise that the two of you are dating now. It’s pretty remarkable when you stop and think about it.“
“You’re telling me,“ he says with a chuckle.
“Joe, you sound like you actually believe me,“ I say. “Am I imagining things?“
“It’s hard to believe,” he replies. “But I’m beginning to think maybe I do. Go on. Tell me the rest.“
“Okay,” I say. “An old medicine man, who is my dad, Alec Hartmann, in this life, took Ali and Ethan in and they lived with him in a little cottage outside of the city. I went to see them when I could, but sometimes it was months between visits. Ali and I missed each other terribly. I was bound by duty to carry on in my role as a soldier. I wanted to leave it to be with my love and our son, but I had obligations. My honor wouldn’t let me abandon them.“
“Sounds a lot like what you’re facing right now,“ Joe says.
“Wow,” I ponder. “I hadn’t thought of it that way, but you’re right.“
“We tend to repeat childhood traumas in our adult lives until they are resolved,” Joe explains. “I suppose it makes sense that if we lived past lives, the same mechanism would apply.“
“Fascinating,“ I say.
“Is that all you remember?”
“Those of the major points,” I confirm. “Other than the fact that Ethan was murdered. I know that pillagers came in and ransacked the little village where he and Ali and the old medicine man lived. They took Ethan. I don’t know how he was murdered, but I know his body was found later. He was just a boy. Not more than ten years old when he was killed. We were heartbroken.“
“I’ll bet,” Joe says, the sympathy evident in his voice. “I’m sorry that happened to you.”
“It was my fault,” I proclaim. “I failed my family. I dishonored my family. I should have kept them safe.”
“Now, George,” Joe says as he leans even further forward in his chair and looks at me. “It’s narcissistic to blame yourself. You’re just one man. You don’t have that much power.“ His words hit me like a ton of bricks. I never thought about it that way. Narcissistic? That’s intense. I look down at my feet on the deck and fiddle with the arm of the chair absentmindedly. I do this when I’m deep in thought or am trying to absorb something. I’ve come to recognize the pose because I’ve found myself doing it so much lately.
“Do you think so?” I ask.
“I know so,“ he says. “No single human being can control everything that happens in life. It’s just not the way it works. The sooner you come to terms with that, the better life will be for you. Sometimes things go wrong and nothing can be done. It’s a simple fact of the human condition.“
“I don’t know if I can accept that,” I say. “We’re here right now and you’re about to hypnotize me so that we can figure things out and control as much as possible. Isn’t that contrary to the statement you just made? Which one is it?
“It’s both,” he replies, sounding frustrated. “It isn’t black and white. Of course, we should do what we can to steer our lives and to keep each other safe. But we can’t control everything. It’s important to realize that.”
“So you think life is a combination of faith and free will?”
“Essentially, yes,” he replies. “ But hear my words, I beg you. Do not blame yourself for everything that has happened or is going to happen. You’re a good man, George. Do your best. That’s all anyone can ask of you.“
His words are reassuring. I don’t want to admit that I can’t control everything, but I know it’s true. I try and take this wisdom in. However, first, I want to do everything in my power before accepting that I can’t control things. I want to try. I owe it to my family to try. I look at Joe and smile. I nod my head several times in a row, then I lean back in my chair and close my eyes, letting him know I’m ready for the hypnosis to begin.
“Good, now,“ he says. “Let’s get started. I’ll use what you’ve told me about your existing memories to steer your experience here today. I’ll ask you some questions while you’re under. If you feel like you can, go ahead and answer them verbally. If you don’t feel like saying the answers out loud, then tell yourself to remember so we can discuss once the hypnosis is done and you come back to waking consciousness. Do you understand?“
“Got it,“ I say. “Now let’s roll. The clock is ticking.“
4
Seeds
I press my back hard against the Adirondack chair as Joe begins the hypnosis process with me. I tell myself to relax and remain open so that anything my subconscious mind wants to bring to the surface will be able to find its way out without resistance. I hope I’ll learn something here today which will help me understand who is after my family and what their pursuit has to do with our life in Ancient Greece.
We don’t have the benefit of the music piped in over the speaker system as we did at Joe’s office, but we do have the natural sounds around us including the rustling of the trees, the chirping of morning birds, and the lapping of the lake water against the dock. I think these sounds are going to work out just fine. I tell myself to latch onto the rhythms the same way I did with the prodding improving music Joe played over the speakers at his office.
Joe instructs me to visualize myself in an elevator and then to count backward as the floors go down. This is the same thing he had me visualize last time and it worked. I do as he says. My visualization muscles are stronger now. I’ve done enough of this type of work that I seem to be getting better at it. I can clearly see the elevator in all its fine detail. I look up at the display which shows the number of the floor I’m currently on, then I watch it tick downwards. I’m barely in the eighties when I begin to see bright white and blue light peeking through the cracks of the elevator door. It’s the same kind of light I’ve seen around the edges of the doors I’ve visualized when moving into past life memories before, only more brilliant. I hope this means the memories are even more accessible to me.
Joe seems able to tell that my level is deep, so he doesn’t count down very far. He also doesn’t mention childhood memories. Last time he hypnotized me, we used childhood memories as a sort of practice so I could see what it felt like to remember something in vivid detail, complete with the smells, sounds, and touch and tactile experiences. But this time, I don’t need practice.
“Are you feeling relaxed, George?” Joe asks.
“Yes,” I say softly. I can’t tell how loud my voice is because I’m already so deep, but Joe hears me.
“You should be feeling completely at peace now,” he continues.
“I do,” I say.
“This state of peacefulness is always accessible to you, right below the surface. You are more than your body or your brain. You are loved and are never alone. You can not be harmed. Not at this level.”
I wonder why Joe is telling me all of this. He must be worried about me. It feels like he wants to bolster my mental stability before we go forward. It’s oddly reassuring though. I think back to the first hypnosis session at his office and how the quilt I was covered with reminded me of being a kid and having Mom cover me up with one of the quilts she made. It helped me feel safe, which probably helped facilitate a good hypnosis session. It seems like Joe is trying to create the environment with his words. I do feel safe. I’m apprehensive about what I might learn, but I’ve experienced these memories enough to know that life will go on. And that no matter what happens, we will all find our way back together again.
The light is almost burning my eyes it’s so bright now coming in through the cracks of the elevator. I’m drawn to it. Like a moth to a flame. I can feel that it has answers for me. I want to move towards it. But Joe isn’t ready to let me.
“Allow every part of your body to relax,” he prompts. “Release the tension from your shoulders. You don’t have to ca
rry the weight of the world.”
I’m beginning to get frustrated. I lower my eyebrows and ball up my hands and face. I want to get on with it. Joe apparently sees my movements and takes the cue. Finally, he instructs me to step out of the elevator in my mind and to allow myself to go wherever my subconscious wants to take me. Like a racehorse at a starting gate, I burst through the door in my mind’s eye and immerse myself completely in the blinding white light that pulls me. I can immediately feel the old familiar scenery around me which I’ve come to know as my home in Ancient Greece. As my eyes begin to focus and the scene comes into view, I see the familiar rugged cliffs and the sparkling green sea which surround our island home. If feels nice to be back.
I hover above the scene for a while. If feels like this is going to be intense and I want to take it slow enough that it won’t completely overwhelm me, even though I’m eager to go as fast as possible. I can immediately tell that this memory is going to provide me a glimpse of my life as a soldier. I’ve seen a little, but most of my insights so far have involved Ali. I think this time will be a little different.
I suddenly feel myself thrust forward and forced into my Greek body as if someone has kicked me like a ball. It reminds me of what I saw when John Wendell died and his spirit left his body. It was as if a ball had been punted and his spirit went upwards and outwards from his mortal flesh. This feels like the same mechanism, only in reverse.
I look down at my Greek body and see its familiar muscles. My youth and vigor from this point in my Ancient Greek lifetime never cease to amaze me. I was a prime physical specimen, well suited to my role as a soldier. I’m wearing my uniform, which I can see in great detail just like the very first time at Joe’s office when I found myself in some type of stadium while the other soldiers and I did an exhibition for a crowd. I have a sword that’s tucked into my beltline and a round shield. There’s a helmet on my head and a skirt-like chainmail piece attached to a plate that covers my abdominal cavity. It’s much like what I’ve seen in movies about Greece. They’ve done a pretty good job of portraying the clothing from this period of time accurately. I still can’t seem to find the proper words to describe things, which always surprises me. I know there are names for the things that we used. There’s a name for this shield and a name for the armor covering my chest, but I can’t recall either. It feels like they exist somewhere deep in my memory, yet they’re not accessible to me now. I guess the names of objects aren’t important in the grand scheme of things.