It's All Too Much

by Peter Walsh

  Art

  Adrienne is an amazing artist. She also is an avid reader, loves collecting and pressing wildflowers, writes magical stories, and finds it close to impossible to let go of any of the art pieces she makes, paints, or draws. Adrienne is only six years old and already her room is overflowing with bins and boxes of her things. In talking with Adrienne, it’s easy to see that she is immensely proud of what she creates and collects. She is also afraid of losing it. By organizing her space, placing frames on the walls in which she can display her artwork and easily change it out, putting up shelves to display her collections, and helping her set up a “lending library” for her stories, Adrienne learned the pleasure of setting limits and holding on to only the best things that fit in the space we created. Getting there was a challenge for Adrienne, but when it was all said and done, she admitted feeling proud of the work on the walls and being happy to have more space to create. Having her premiere pieces framed or on display literally brought them into the light and honoring them diminished Adrienne’s fear of loss.

  There’s no such thing as artist’s block in preschool, or kindergarten, or even elementary school, for that matter. Say your child paints at least one masterpiece a day. At three hundred works in a year, your child is more prolific than Picasso. I’m not heartless, but we both know you can’t keep every single scribble. How do you pick and choose? And how do you break it to your child that a portion of the work you oohed and aahed over should be thrown away?

  The answer is to make it a ceremony, not a purge. File flat art in a portfolio. At the end of each semester, tell your child it’s time to pick the best of the best. Go through the art and pick one piece to frame and three or four to keep for posterity. The rest can be photographed and discarded. Use frames that allow you to easily swap in a new masterpiece from your prodigy to replace an old one. This strategy enables you to keep art pieces that your child values and loves. It also gives your child practice in discerning what to keep and what to let go—a valuable lesson for life and a real stumbling block for many people who struggle with clutter.

  Three-dimensional art is trickier. What to do with the mock volcanoes and amorphous clay paperweights? Again, let them linger for a while, until the thrill has worn off, then decide whether something is for display or whether it was a “learning experience.” If you or your child really want to hold on to the piece, make sure that it is displayed well in a way that protects it from dust and damage.

  Schoolwork

  By now you should have the hang of this! As with art, you must set a limit. Who are you keeping the schoolwork for—you, or your child? Designate a drawer, a folio, or a bin for the work you are going to keep. The size of this container sets the limit for how much you can save. Once the drawer is full, a piece has to be discarded before anything new can be added. One in, one out—it’s a simple but effective strategy.

  REALITY CHECK—GRANDPARENTS AND TOYS

  When grandparents visit they often want to achieve the Santa Claus effect. They come loaded with toys in hopes of spoiling and delighting their beloved grandchildren. It’s tough to say no, but here are some suggestions you can give them for more practical gift giving.

  Set up a college fund to which they can contribute.

  Set up a travel fund that, when your child turns sixteen, will pay for her to take a trip with her grandparents.

  Suggest specific toys that you would have bought your child anyway—toys that serve a real function in the child’s development.

  Suggest ways they can show their love through experiences instead of stuff. Remind them that sharing an experience with her grandparents is as exciting to your daughter as receiving stuff. She won’t remember her Elmo doll for long, but if she learns to appreciate new experiences, they’ll be helping to create a pattern that will last the child’s whole life.

  Take the kids to a show. Introduce them to musicals, ballet, or other live theater.

  Ask them to bring ingredients for a favorite family recipe and to cook with the child.

  When it comes to keeping your children’s belongings in order, stick to limits and routines. These simple strategies will help you and your children see the value in what is kept. They will help you teach your children to be more serious about the value of what they have and how important it is. You can’t keep everything, but what you do keep will be important and valuable mementos that you and they will treasure.

  Room 3

  Family and Living Rooms

  I PUT THESE TWO ROOMS together because formal living rooms tend to be clutter-free—and if they aren’t, it’s because they’re functioning as family rooms.

  Ah, the family room. It’s everything—a place to watch TV, play games, do homework, pay bills, read magazines, hang out, and entertain. There is no room in the house where people’s ideas and visions for the space intersect as much as they do in the family room. The problem is that in being everything to everyone, this room can very easily end up with no focus at all. Instead, it becomes the center of clutter and disorganization for everyone in the family.

  By talking through what family members want and expect from this space, you can give specific purpose to the all-purpose-room and in doing so redefine your family and how it uses common space.

  Think it Through

  The family room is just that—a room to be shared and enjoyed by the whole family, so make sure that you reach a consensus regarding what will work in the space that you have. More important, don’t overload this room with too many functions. Space permitting, the room can serve a reasonable number of purposes well, but if you expect too much, you run the risk of it becoming the catch-all room for the whole family—in other words, clutter central!

  Set it Up

  Refer to your Room Function Chart and have everyone sign on.

  Establish zones for the different activities that take place in the family room.

  Remove what doesn’t belong in the room.

  Make it Happen

  Establish the Zones

  Gary and Marie have three young children. They live in an 1,800-square-foot home. When I first saw their living room it was a catch-all for anything you can imagine—clothing, books, mail, the kids’ toys, crafting materials, even two large stacks of romance novels that Marie had recently collected from her grandmother’s home. Once something came into that room it never left. When Marie was eight, her parents moved across the country and had not permitted Marie and her brothers and sisters to bring most of their toys and personal items. The trauma of this childhood event was the main force making it difficult for her to let go of anything that came into the house. She didn’t want her children to have the same sense of loss. But what Marie had to face was that her extreme reaction had its own effect on her kids. Chaos and clutter is never the right answer to trauma and loss. Only when Marie confronted the habits she was instilling in her own children was she able to start letting go of the clutter.

  The greatest temptation with a family room or living room is to fill it to the brim! This is unfortunate because of all rooms in the house, this is usually the one where everyone hangs out and relaxes. There’s no getting around it: Watching TV or movies or playing video games is a major pastime and the family room is where this usually takes place.

  Resist the temptation to overload this room. Remember that the point is to hang out and entertain yourselves. The whole family has a stake in this room. Talk about what you each find entertaining. What do you really use to have fun and relax in the space? Once you’ve all defined your ideas of entertainment, identify what’s left. What remains in the room that no one ever plays with, watches, listens to, or uses? That’s what has to go.

  Keep like things together in their specific zones. All DVDs and CDs should be close to the entertainment unit. Magazines belong in a magazine rack next to your favorite chair. Electronic equipment goes in one single cabinet or shelving unit. Board games go in storage bins next to or under the coffee table where you most often play them.<
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  If you don’t use an item regularly in this room, discard it. This room is for living. Too much stuff here will only create a sense of being overwhelmed and uncomfortable.

  Double functions

  As with the master bedroom, sometimes the family room tries to serve secondary purposes. It’s not just a hang-out room, it’s often also an office or a guest bedroom. I don’t permit double functions in the sacred master bedroom (it would be particularly awkward if it doubled as a guest room!), but here it can really make sense. If you follow one simple rule: The extra function is a zone. It must be restricted to a confined space. No overflow allowed.

  Entertainment

  Because most family rooms are primarily used for watching television and relaxing, videos, DVDs, CDs, video game consoles, gaming cartridges, and books tend to take up a huge amount of the space.

  Ensure that all media have a clearly defined area. Arrange your DVDs into specific categories or genres so that any movie is easy to find and, more important, easy to put away again. Clearly label the shelves or storage unit you choose so that everyone knows where the DVDs belong. Go through your DVDs and get rid of the ones you’ll never watch again. You may be surprised to find that your taste has changed. And when it comes to kids’ videos, purge even more frequently. There’s no need to hang on to those Sesame Street tapes now that your child is ten years old.

  You will also be surprised at how accessible your collection of music or movies is when it’s organized. The fact that you can easily and quickly locate a specific title will mean that you are more likely to use what you have and not be frustrated by trying to locate something you know you have, but just can’t find.

  The Ratio Rule

  If you have a difficult time knowing where to start, try using the ratio rule to clear excess movies. For every four or five videos or DVDs you keep, remove one from your collection. Give them away to charity, or if you have a friend or family member who would enjoy a particular movie, give it to them, but be sure to set a deadline for all giveaways. At the end of this sort-and-purge, if all your movies still do not fit on your shelves, do the same thing again. Try to lower the ratio to three to one or, if you are really brave, two to one. Challenge other family members to match or exceed the number of titles you’re getting rid of. Repeat the process until all your movies fit nicely on your shelves, with some spare room for new acquisitions.

  In the future, it’s important to keep your collection to the space you have. When you buy a movie, you need to remove one from your collection. Consider having a “most popular” or “new purchases” box that contains ten or so DVDs at any one time that are watched the most. This saves time and effort locating movies and then restocking them. If you keep ten movies there, don’t buy another until you’ve watched and reshelved at least one of those. This same tactic works for other media. Demonstrate your love of movies, books, or music CDs by treating them with the love and respect they warrant and creating a space to enjoy them properly.

  Go digital

  Take the time to arrange all of your CDs. Choose a system that works for you—alphabetical, by genre, or by who loves which type of music the most. Use this opportunity to weed out CDs that you no longer like or listen to. Pass them on to charity, to someone who secretly dances around their home to disco in their underwear, or to a store that sells secondhand discs.

  If you own a computer, consider using software like iTunes to manage your music from your desktop or laptop. The Windows Media Center PC is also a great way to consolidate all of your music in one place. With some easy-to-install hardware, you can then wirelessly broadcast your favorite music throughout your home. (As with any computer file, however, be sure to regularly do backups of your music in case your system crashes.) Then, presto!, you can toss all of those CDs and use the space for something that can’t be stored so efficiently.

  If you aren’t ready to go digital, put your CDs in binders that will hold and protect them and their liner notes. Discard the jewel cases and see how much space you have saved.

  Books and magazines

  Books and magazines are almost always a part of the clutter problem in homes that I see. I remember one family that I worked with in Florida where the father was a car enthusiast. He loved anything to do with cars and had about fifteen years of back issues of at least three car magazines in his home. He openly admitted that he didn’t read a lot of the magazines and never went back to look at them, but just having them in the house reinforced his sense of being a “car guy.” It’s often the same with books. Just having books in a home can give a homeowner a sense of identity and security, a motivation that has to be addressed before one can deal with the excess.

  When I encounter a person who is struggling with too many books or journals or magazines in their home or office, I have another of those simple questions that I ask: What was it that you were purchasing when you bought this reading material? This may sound like a strange question, but the answer is very revealing.

  When some people purchase a book, they buy it for their reading pleasure, out of interest in a topic, or because of a recommendation from a family member, friend, or critic. These people are generally able to read a book, digest the information, and use it in whatever way they wish in their lives. Once the book is read and the material understood, these people tend to have no attachment to the book itself.

  Then there is a second group who derive a great sense of security and contentment from knowing that they own the book. In many cases, they feel that owning the book is equivalent to owning the knowledge in the book, as well. For these individuals, letting go of a book is tantamount to throwing that knowledge away—no matter whether they have read the book or not and whether the book still interests them or not.

  A couple of years ago, I was working with a woman who had a huge number of books in her home—possibly five or six thousand titles. The books filled every shelf, every flat surface, and most of the house. On average, she bought three or four books a week, far more than she could possibly read. When I tried to discuss letting some of the books go, she became extremely agitated. Eventually she told me why that was impossible: “I don’t want someone else to have all this information I’ve collected. I paid for it and it’s mine. Why would I give it away?”

  This mind-set is important to recognize when you’re down-sizing your household’s books. Books represent different things to different people. For some they are light entertainment, for others a resource of knowledge and learning, and for others they are reminders of important moments or academic successes. However, when you buy a book, you do not suddenly own the wisdom it contains—all you have bought is words on paper. It’s up to you to internalize whatever enlightenment the book has to offer. Without fully grasping this concept, it can be close to impossible to separate oneself from one’s books.

  Your space dictates how many books you can have

  At the beginning of the Charles Dickens novel David Copperfield, one of the main characters famously states: “Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen and six, result happiness. Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure twenty pounds ought and six, result misery.” The character, Mr. Micawber, is instructing the young Copperfield to stay solvent and out of trouble by staying within his means. There’s a great lesson here.

  When is comes down to it, there is only one simple rule when dealing with books: If they don’t fit on your shelves, they shouldn’t be in your home. Remember how we learned to “do the math” in Step 2? To borrow an idea from Dickens, if you have shelving space for 100 books and you have 99 books, you don’t have a problem. If, on the other hand, you have shelving space for 100 books and you own 102 books, you have a problem. It’s that simple!

  You should have no more than the number of books that fit comfortably on your bookshelves—not stacked on the floor or on top of the entertainment unit or in boxes in the garage. If your books don’t fit on the shelving you have, you have too many and need to ei
ther increase the shelving you have or cut down the number of books. And it’s probably no surprise that my first recommendation is not to get more shelving!

  You may find that reducing the number of books you own is easier said than done. I have been accused of telling people to “get rid of their books”—a charge seemingly as serious as book burning! Again, the honor and respect mandate comes into play here. Someone has labored long and hard over each book you own. If you value books, then treat them so. If not, then understand why you are clinging to them. Why are you suffocating in a dusty, book-filled room? Try to see the book purge as a way of creating a space conducive to reading and the acquisition of knowledge in a way that showcases the volumes you love and honors the collection you have.

  Remember the Ratio Rule

  Practice the same ratio rule that you used for your movie collection. For every four or five books you keep, remove one from your library. Recycle used books or give them to a library. Repeat until all your books fit on your shelves with room to spare. In the future, when you buy a book, you need to remove a book from your collection.

  More on Magazines

  Can you believe there are more than twenty-two thousand magazine titles printed in the United States? I can—having been in some homes where three years of back issues of every single one of those twenty-two thousand magazines seem to be piled in the family room! Well—at least it seemed that way at the time. Do you like computers? You can choose from nearly five hundred computer-related magazines. Interested in health and fitness? You’ve got 350 titles to choose from. And if you just want to sit and ponder the meaning of all of this, there are nearly a dozen philosophy magazines to choose from.