How Not to Kill Your Baby

by Jacob Sager Weinstein

  RyanMcVay

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  INDEX

  A

  adoption,disastrousresultsof, 1

  alcohol

  abilityofmentohavewhenevertheywant, 1

  horribleconsequencesofpregnantwomenhaving,ever, 1

  Apgartest,life-destroyingconsequencesoffailing, 1

  B

  babyfood

  HowNottoKillYourBaby(C)brand, 1

  off-brandsthatwillprobablykillyourbaby,or,worseyet,transformhimintosomesortofgiganticgreenmonsterwithincrediblestrengthbutaninabilitytocontrolhisfitofrage, 1

  bananas,spider-infested, 1

  birth

  afterduedate,linkedtoparentalunfitness 1

  announcementof,intheformmostlikelytodeterkidnappers, 1

  beforeduedate,linkedtoparentalunfitness 1

  fromoyster,linkedtosalmonella, 1

  presenceofmalpracticeattorneyat, 1

  necessityofprototypein-flighspacecabinatmospheresamplinginstrumentfor, 1

  sharkrepellantandgrapplinghooksfor, 1

  birthplan,inabilitytopreventcatastrophe, 1

  books

  life-ruiningconsequencesof, 1

  unreadbylosers, 1

  writtenbypeopletryingtotrickyou, 1

  breast-feeding

  fortwelveyears, 1

  linkedtobeestings, 1

  linkedtoglobalwarming, 1

  play-by-play, 1

  totallygrossnatureof, 1

  transformingonebreastintoaroom-fillingigantazoid, 1

  yourinabilitytodo, 1

  bullying

  of children named Harry, John, Mary, Richard, or Farty, 1

  prevented by elephants, 1

  bunnies

  linked to diabetes, 1

  pulling dogsleds, 1

  C

  Caine, Michael, 1

  cats

  awful consequence of speaking of, 1

  eating your children, 1

  cave bears, hungry for your baby, 1

  cell phones, reasons for being paranoid when using despite complete absence of scientific evidence, 1

  child safety seat, horrible consequences of installing incorrectly, 1

  childhood creativity linked to genetic deformations, 1

  linked to sadness, 1

  children, other people’s, 1

  cloning, terrifying consequences of, 1

  conceiving too early, horrible results of, 1

  conceiving too late, tragic repercussions of, 1

  Coyote, Wile E., 1

  C-sections, linked to murder by Roman senators, 1

  D

  Dan, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8

  deserts

  Chile’s Atacama, 1

  smooth, corner-free state of, 1

  discipline, futile efforts at, 1

  dogs

  biting, 1

  inability to prepare your children for cruelty of the world, 1

  E

  everything

  dangers of, 1

  sharp edges of, 1

  evolution, disastrous effects of, 1

  exodus from Egypt, consequences for orthodontic profession, 1

  exploding staples, competitors’ use of, 1

  F

  family, likelihood of cluttering your home with things you don’t need but are embarrassed to get rid of, 1

  first steps, catastrophic risks of, 1

  first words, terrifying things revealed by, 1

  frommit, necessity of rotating, 1

  G

  grapes, pesticide covered, 1

  Greenblatt-Gutierrez, Asadkljhrw3rw, 1

  Grzbclik, Ernesto, 1

  H

  hands, freakishly large, 1

  Harvard, likelihood that graduate is a convicted criminal, 1

  hats, 1

  Hitler, Adolf, 1

  I

  immaculate conception, staggering risks of, 1

  implanting your spawn in chest of innocent spaceman, likelihood of leading to mortal encounter with Sigourney Weaver, 1

  IVF, terrifying outcomes of, 1

  J

  Jones, Don’tBotherMeIJustWantAFrickin Shower, 1

  K

  kidnappers

  apprehended by deaf policemen, 1

  thwarted by cleverly written birth announcement, 1

  L

  labor

  compared to a python devouring a Great Dane, 1

  dangerous baby eaters who try to stop you from panicking about, 1

  discomfort during, 1

  frantically hailing a cab during, 1

  linked to hair loss, black eyes, and broken tailbones, when done right, 1

  usefulness of a quarter-scale model of the U.S. House of Representatives in, 1

  when eighty feet tall, 1

  letter “e,” risks to vision of, 1

  Lincoln, Abraham, as disappointment to his parents, 1

  M

  malpractice attorney, present at birth, 1

  marriage, probably false and leading to eternal damnation, 1

  mastadons, ultimately interfering with safety-seat installation, 1

  medical personnel

  addicted to crack, 1

  addicted to crystal meth, 1

  addicted to heroine, 1

  addicted to porn, 1

  knowing much more than you do, thank you very much, 1

  probably criminals, 1

  midgets, senile, 1

  music

  linked to adult diapers, 1

  linked to intense cramping, 1

  Mylar, linked to suffocation, 1

  N

  no, no no no no no no no, 1

  O

  outlaws, linked to gunfire at dry gulch, 1

  P

  penis, longer than yours, 1

  pit filled with horrors, bottomless, 1

  polyurethane foam, linked to asthma, 1

  poop

  documentary proof of, 1

  tarry, 1

  pregnancy

  hysterical, 1

  necessity of carrying a mass spectrometer during, 1

  probably just cancer, 1

  reasons to worry before, 1

  reasons to worry during, 1

  reasons to worry after, 1

  risk of leading to third-degree burns among easily startled fire dancers, 1

  smoking cigarettes while skydiving during, 1

  public transportation, family-wrecking properties of, 1

  putting your baby down, heartbreaking emotional aftereffects of, 1

  R

  recursive loops, danger of being stuck in eternal, 1

  S

  scorpions, usurious, 1

  selfish mothers

  who want a career, 1

  who want to have sex, 1

  who want to read magazines, 1

  sex

  getting stuck during, 1

  leading to death by fire, 1

  likelihood of painful disease from, 1

  linked to trumped-up murder charges, 1

  non-necessity of, 1


  on the kitchen table, 1

  with your wife, you not having, 1

  with your wife, had by Dan, 1

  sharks

  repelling of during labor, 1

  wrestling of by Jews, 1

  sleep

  lack of, linked to electric toothbrush injury, 1

  leading to terrorism, 1

  necessity of Brian Williams for, 1

  things experts say with a straight face regarding, 1

  with obese uncles, 1

  Slutzky, Suzie, 1

  strawberries, pesticide-covered, 1

  stroller

  linked to being run over, 1

  vulnerability to land mines, 1

  Superman, dangers of taking as a role model, 1

  T

  teachers, likely criminal pasts of, 1

  television, dangerous side effects of, 1

  toys, likelihood of crushing your child, 1

  traditional Jewish naming practices, likelihood of leading to full-out mob war, 1

  V

  vaginas

  yours, things being stuck in by strangers, 1

  your wife’s, John Madden of, 1

  W

  water

  contaminated by gay marriage cooties, 1

  mortal perils of, 1

  likelihood of exploding in a massive ball of flame, 1

  wipe warmer, solar-powered BPA-free, 1

  Wizard of Oz, inflammatory aftermath of, 1

  wood, linked to bruising, 1

  Y

  yoga, linked to chapped bottoms, 1

  your brain, primary use of during pregnancy, 1

  your children, horrible things that could befall, 1

  Z

  zany morning-zoo DJs, linked to eternal damnation, 1

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Jacob Sager Weinstein and his wife live in London with their two children, neither of whom has ever been lost at sea or stuck in the middle of a buffalo stampede. Also, that one time he wasn’t paying attention and the baby carriage got blown into the Regent’s Park Duck Pond, neither of his children was in it.