by J. Saman
I smile up at him. “That’s all I’m asking.” I reach out and take his hand, interlacing our fingers. His hand is clammy as hell, but I won’t release him.
As we approach, his grip on my hand tightens, pulling back a little, but I urge him on and he reluctantly follows.
We walk up the short staircase that leads into the main cabin of the small plane. It’s nicer than I thought it would be, and the pilot is standing outside the cockpit waiting. I’ve never been on a private plane, and in truth, I’m a little excited by it, but I quickly curb my enthusiasm.
“Hello,” the pilot who looks like he’s in his mid-forties says with a smile and deep, sparkling chestnut eyes. “I’m Steve, the pilot of this vessel. It’s nice to meet you both.” He reaches out his hand to shake both of ours.
“I’m Kate and this is Ryan. Thank you for letting us sit on board for a bit. We’re still not sure if we’ll be flying today,” I inform him.
He smiles wider. “Not a problem. Take all the time you need. I’m available for questions if you have any.”
“Thank you,” I say, and try to take a shell-shocked and silent Ryan further into the plane.
Steve goes into the cockpit, giving us our privacy.
The cabin looks like it can seat about eight people. There are two leather seats that are side by side, directly facing another pair of matching chairs, with a long, narrow, wood table between them. On the other side, a small couch is pressed against the window, and further back behind the chairs is a forward-facing love seat with another narrow table in front of it.
That’s it.
All the seats are cream-colored leather, and look comfy and plush. The wood accents and tables are all dark mahogany stain.
“Katie,” he says my name in a panicked tone, staring at the seats like they’re going to jump up and attack him at any moment.
“Come sit on the love seat with me,” I say gently.
I can feel his raised body temperature even though I’m about a foot away from him, and his hand is trembling in mine. He follows me to the back of the plane where the love seat is.
“Look. There’s a minibar.” I point across the aisle at a small bar stocked with a mini fridge, a small ice maker, sink, glasses, and a few bottles of alcohol. “I know it’s early, but do you want something to help you relax?”
“No.” He shakes his head and sits down rigidly, his eyes are the only thing moving as he takes in his surroundings. I walk around him and sit down right up against his side. “Why are you doing this to me?”
Damn, his words cut me.
“Because you’re too strong to live in fear. Your family is far away from you now, Ryan, and there may come a time when you have to fly to them. I don’t want your life to be restricted by this.”
“I don’t think I can do it.”
I climb onto his lap, staring into his bright-green eyes that are stocked full of fear.
“I think you can, Ryan, and I’ll be here next to you the entire way. If it becomes too much, Steve said he could land somewhere along the way. But if you can’t, I completely understand, and I will support you no matter what.”
“What about your car?”
“I’ve made arrangements for it to meet us up in Seattle if we do this.”
“What about Portland? You wanted to go to Portland.”
I smile, running my fingers through the black bristles of his beard.
“I can go to Portland whenever I want. You’re more important than Portland, Ryan.” I brush my lips against his. “Do you think this is something we can do together, or do you want to leave?”
He stares at me, looking deeply into my eyes for the longest of moments. I let him. He needs this time and I won’t be the one to interrupt it. Finally, he takes a long unsteady breath.
“I’ll try, Katie, but I don’t know how well I’m going to do.” He’s shaking his head back and forth. “I haven’t been on a plane since the accident, and that was by far and away the worst moment of my life. Not just the sheer terror I felt when the plane was going down and then crashed, but waking up with broken bones and incredible pain, and seeing the dead pilot, not knowing where I was, or if I could even get help…,” he trails off.
I get it. Fear is a nasty fucking bug that can take over and control everything.
I cup his face in my hands. “I will be right next to you the whole time. We’ll do this together.”
He gives me the tightest, smallest nod I’ve ever seen, but I’m going to take that as a yes.
“Steve?” I call out. “We’re a go.”
“Sounds good,” he yells back. “I’m going to start the engine and notify the car service of your plans.”
“Thank you.”
I smile up at Ryan and then we hear the rumble and loud keening sound of the engines starting.
“I’m going to move so that I can buckle up next to you.” His hands become rigid on my thighs, holding me in place on his lap. His eyes snap shut, clenching tightly. “Or I can just sit like this the entire flight.” Another nod. “I’m really proud of you, Ryan.” I lean in to kiss him.
I really freaking am. He’s so goddamn brave.
“Save your praise. I’m not sure I can do this.” He shakes his head again, and when his eyes open, they’re wild. “This is crazy.” His voice is manic. “What the hell am I doing? You’re lucky I love you as much as I do; otherwise I’d never do this. I couldn’t stand flying before the crash, and right now, I’m about two seconds away from embarrassing the hell out of myself and crying like a little bitch.”
I smile. Fucking hell, he just said he loves me.
Shit, that shouldn’t make me as happy as it does.
“You said you love me.” I’m grinning like an idiot, but I’m also trying to distract him since the plane is officially moving now, albeit slowly.
His eyebrows knit together, and he blinks at me a couple of times, then he realizes what he said, and his expression softens. “I did,” he confirms. “I do.” His hands tighten on my hips as he looks at me so adoringly, my breath hitches. “I love you, Katie. So much.”
The plane rumbles and I can feel the motion of us moving, but Steve had told me on the phone that he would just go and not say a whole lot unless it was needed, and right now, I think Ryan is adequately distracted.
“I know I wasn’t supposed to say that, and I’ve been holding it back for a while now, but apparently it just slipped out, so…”
I interrupt his rant by pressing my lips to his.
Softly at first, and as I feel the plane start to pick up momentum, I deepen it, running my fingers through his hair and driving my body closer to his. His hands slide back to my ass and he squeezes.
I should be freaking out about the “L” word, but I’m not, which feels odd. I’ve rolled the word around in my head when thinking about Ryan, but felt so wrong in using it.
I don’t know what my future is—whether it includes him or not. I can’t get past this suffocating guilt that lives inside of me.
I feel like I’m betraying my husband.
That’s a rough thing to move on from, and I certainly haven’t been able to do it yet.
But… “I love you too,” I whisper against his lips, wondering why those words aren’t making me sick.
He stills, his lips hovering over mine, his eyes wide open and unblinking. “Did you really say that, or is the panic-filled adrenaline making me hallucinate?”
Ah, so he does know that we’re finally up in the air.
“I said it.” I don’t know if I can do it again, but the words are out there, and I meant them.
Oh god, I’m so sorry Eric, but I meant them. Fuck, I love them both so much. How is that even possible?
“Did you—” he swallows hard. “Did you just say it because I said it and that’s what people do when someone says it?”
I smile. He’s so adorable when he’s like this. A little psychotic maybe, but adorable. “No. I meant it.”
“Who knew
those simple words could totally take over the impending sense of doom, and fire, and death; I’ve been feeling since I saw this fucking airplane you coaxed me onto?”
“Then I guess my work here is done,” I smile into his lips, giggling a little when he pinches my side.
“No way. Your sexy ass is going to sit on my lap for this entire nightmare, and when we land—which we better by the way—I’m going to fuck the ever-loving shit out of you. I may even spank you until your beautiful bottom is red.” I raise an eyebrow at him. “Don’t play coy with me, Mrs. Taylor.” Shit, did he have to use my married name? Heat rushes through my veins and not the good kind. It’s the kind that says I’m a traitorous bitch. “I know you like it like that.”
All I can do is nod and offer up a tight smile.
I want out of this airplane. I want off of his lap and out of his arms and away from him this instant. Oh my god, I just told him that I loved him. Why did I do that? I’ve only ever said those words to Eric.
How could I have done that?
We’ve reached our cruising altitude and I can feel Ryan relax beneath me, but only a little. His body is still tense and his hands are gripping me like I’m his talisman.
Thank god he’s too preoccupied to notice I’ve completely checked out on him.
What a horrible person I am. On so many levels and to the two men I love most in this world. What am I going to do? I want so many things, and yet I feel like everything I’m doing and everything I want is wrong.
Wrong, wrong, wrong.
“Katie? How much longer?” Ryan’s eyes are scrunched shut again and he’s sweating. I suddenly feel so bad for suggesting this flight.
“We’ll be there soon, baby. Just stay with me,” I whisper, kissing along his neck the way I know he likes.
“While I appreciate your stupendous distraction techniques, I’m starting to lose it, so if we could land soon, I’d really be grateful. Even more so if we managed to do it in one piece.”
I turn my head to the side and can faintly see the Seattle skyline in the distance. It’s a rare clear day—cold, but clear—so I can see the tall skyscrapers.
“We’re getting close. Do you want to see the city you’re moving to?” His eyes are still shut as he shakes his head.
“Twenty-five until we’re on the ground,” Steve’s voice says on the intercom.
“In one piece,” I add, but get no smile.
Ryan is holding onto me firmly, crushing me to his chest, and while I’d like to move so I can buckle up, he’s not letting me go.
Something comes over me and I start to sing Love Song by The Cure, as I run my fingers through his hair.
It was what I always did for Maggie when she was hurt or scared.
And just as it worked with Maggie, it’s working with Ryan.
He’s settling into me, relaxing more and more as the minutes tick by. I don’t know if it’s the words or the hair thing, or the soothing way I’m trying to sing, but the tension in his jaw and eyes wanes.
As the plane descends into Sea-Tac Airport, Ryan’s arms snake around me and he holds onto me for dear life, breathing hard. “Almost there,” I whisper.
“Sing again,” he pushes out.
So I do.
I start the song all over again and sing just as softly as I was before. He’s not melting into me this time. He’s a ball of rigid muscle and overwhelming fear.
The plane makes what is quite possibly the smoothest landing I’ve ever experienced, and once Ryan knows we’re safely on the ground, he begins to shake uncontrollably.
“Ryan?” I ask cautiously, running my fingers through his hair and hoping he’ll open his eyes to look at me. Maybe I did push him too far. Shit.
“Shit,” he says, echoing my inner thoughts. “That was so fucking awful. Holy mother of shit that was one of the worst and best hours of my life,” he laughs out now, but it sounds a bit hysterical. “Don’t ask me to do that again, okay? Only if there’s like an emergency and the only way I can get where I need to go is by flying.”
“I promise. Are you mad at me?” My voice is so small, but he shakes his head, and I can’t help but sag into him.
“No. But I am spanking you later.”
I laugh, wrapping my arms around his neck and kissing him soundly on the lips.
“I look forward to my punishment, Master,” I whisper seductively in his ear, and I can feel his smile against my cheek.
We made it to Seattle.
25
Kate
* * *
Seattle is beautiful. No denying that as we drive in the rental car I reserved—my car won’t be here until tonight—toward Ryan’s new house. I’m nervous and scared and excited and sick, and everything else a person can feel.
Once we got off the plane, Ryan admitted that he was glad I made him do it, but only because I was with him.
Ugly truth? If he does have to fly again, chances are I won’t be with him when he does it.
And yeah, that makes me feel like total and complete crap, because I told Ryan I loved him and I meant it.
I do.
But that doesn’t really change the places my mind goes, or how I feel about what I’m doing or my situation. I don’t want to leave Ryan, but I don’t know if I’m strong enough to stay. If I’m in a healthy enough mental state to fully commit to a man who deserves nothing less than everything.
And yet, every time thoughts of leaving Ryan flit through my mind, my heart aches.
I want our happiness, but the guilt is overwhelming, and until I can figure out how to be with someone other than Eric, it’s not fair of me to stay with Ryan.
We pull onto a really nice street that seems to be only a block or two from a main area of shops and restaurants. The houses here are a mixture of good-sized bungalows and craftsman-style. His house is actually the latter and it’s big.
Almost too big for one person.
The exterior is a nice, deep gray without being too dark, and the front door is a brick-red, which contrasts nicely. There is a large front porch with two white rocking chairs and a swinging bench off to the right of the door.
We pull into the driveway and the second he turns off the car, I have to get out of it. I can feel the weight of his stare on me, and I don’t know what to do with his eyes looking at me like that.
The neighborhood is exclusive. Expensive. And since we’re high up on a hill, the views of Puget Sound and the Olympic Mountains in the distance are phenomenal.
Like holy crap, multi-million-dollar view, phenomenal.
He pulls a small keychain that I’ve never seen before out of his pocket, thumbs through the two keys on it, and inserts one into the front door. He’s been silent since we got in the car and right now, the nervous energy is flowing off of him in waves.
Or maybe that’s just me—hard to tell, really.
The lock disengages with a satisfying click, and he opens the door to what is quite possibly the most beautiful home I’ve ever seen.
Gleaming, wide-plank, medium-tone hardwood floors are the first thing you notice, and they seem to stretch throughout the entire house. Off to the left is a massive living room with comfortable looking couches, an intentionally distressed coffee table, two chairs—both the softest looking leather I’ve ever seen—and a giant flat screen television placed above the mantel of a gorgeous stone fireplace. Behind the living room is an open-concept dining area with a table that can seat at least eight.
On the right side of the room is a large office space that can be closed off by sliding glass doors, and beyond that appears to be another spacious sitting room of sorts, and even farther back is a sizable four season sunroom.
The kitchen is—well, it’s my dream kitchen, that’s for sure.
It’s huge, with the longest center island I’ve ever seen, topped with Carrara marble above some type of stained wood cabinet that complements the flooring perfectly. The fixtures are all very contemporary and top of the line, including an eight-burner
gas stove, double ovens, massive side-by-side refrigerator, and even a wine refrigerator with two separate zones—one for red and one for white.
Yes, I checked it out, how could I not?
Behind the kitchen is an extensive deck with more of those amazing views, and since it’s a sunny day, the whole house seems to be filled with warm natural light. Everything is sort of open and cool and modern chic, yet comfortably contemporary. It’s all so very Ryan, and I can only imagine how much this place costs him every month.
I don’t linger in any room long, desire and curiosity to explore the entire house taking over.
The upstairs is more of the same hardwood floors leading into three bedrooms, all a good size except for the master, which is easily twice the size of the other two bedrooms.
Off to one side are windows with unobstructed views of the Sound and mountains, a ginormous king-size bed with a low-profile fabric headboard, and on the far side of the room is a broad, distressed dresser. The walk-in closet is twice the size of my old bedroom in Boston, and what could only be described as the most fan-fucking-tastic bathroom ever finishes off the space.
Warm, strong arms wrap around my waist as I stare almost blankly out the window at the view I could easily see myself looking at for the rest of my life.
“What do you think?” Ryan asks, his nose gliding shamelessly through my hair to my neck.
“I think it’s beautiful.”
“I think you’re beautiful,” he says, nuzzling into me, my body automatically melting into him. “What are you in the mood for, love?”
I shrug a shoulder. “Did you want to go and check out your new neighborhood?”
“Sure. We could find the best places to eat and grocery stores. Crap like that. Or I could take you out to see what the city has to offer? Since we’re here an extra day early, we have more time before I have to get back to the real world.”
“Whatever you want to do, Ryan. It’s your new home.”
“It could be your new home as well.”
“I know.”