by J. Saman
He leaves it at that, taking my hand and leading me outside. We end up standing on the sidewalk in front of his house. “Now what?” he asks with a chuckle.
“Dude, you’re the computer guy. Look it up,” I smirk.
He pokes me in the ribs, and then after punching something into his phone, we set off, heading down the street and to the right. We end up on a main street that is filled with restaurants, shops, and a high-end natural grocery store.
“You hungry, Katie?” he asks as we stop in front of a Thai place.
“Stupid question, my friend. I’m always hungry. Lead on.”
“Have I told you that Thai food is my favorite?” he asks after we’re seated in the nicer-than-expected restaurant.
“You have not, and I feel a little shortchanged that I’m just finding this out now, after living in a car with you for more than three weeks.”
He laughs, taking a sip of his water. “What’s yours?”
“Seriously?” I ask, raising an eyebrow at him.
“What? You never said something specific, just that you like everything.”
“Fine. I guess if I had to pick a favorite I’d say tapas.”
“Really?” he asks, surprised.
“Yeah. There was this restaurant in Boston. Holy hell. The food was amazing. Like straight from Spain amazing. Eric and I used to try and go there on date nights a lot, but it was a tiny place and one could not make reservations, so if you went, you waited. Not the best when you have a toddler at home with a babysitter.”
“No,” his eyes widen as he thinks about this. “I imagine not.”
“But yeah, I love Spanish tapas.”
“Would you ever want to go?”
“Where?”
“To Spain?”
I snort. “To Spain?” I repeat, a little surprised by his question. “Sure. I’d love to travel the world a bit. Never really had the chance.”
“But you do now.” Why does he have to sound so sad when he says that?
I nod in agreement. “I do. And I suppose I also have the means, but I’m not about to do it. It’s the sort of thing I’ve always wanted to do with someone. Not alone.”
“So if I said I’d like to travel the world with you, you would say…,” he trails off, tilting his head at me.
“I would say you don’t like to fly an hour, let alone several, so I’m not sure how feasible that is.”
“They have drugs I could take. You’re avoiding my question, Katie.”
I am. Damn his observant ways. “Of course, I would love to explore the world with you, Ryan. Wanting to be with you isn’t the issue here.”
“Ah. So you admit there is an issue then?”
I sigh, rubbing my hands up and down my face. I don’t want to have this discussion now. I want to enjoy the day with him.
“You want to do this now?” I ask through my hands.
“That depends on how the conversation is going to turn out.” He’s silent for so long that I drop my hands and look at him. “When do you plan to leave?” He knows. I hate that he knows, and yet I’m a little relieved at the same time.
“Tomorrow?” I sit back in my chair, taking a sip of my water because my mouth is so freaking dry suddenly.
“And where do you think you’ll go?”
“I’m not sure exactly.”
“Are you still looking for a place you want to move to?” He’s so stoic and reserved that I can’t read him. I can’t tell where this is going.
“No.” It’s the truth. I’m not. I just need…
“So you’ve found a place you think you want to move to?” He’s leaning back in his chair too, but his arms are folded across his chest, hard and unrelenting in their power and the way they keep us at a distance. Or maybe they’re just protective.
“I think so.”
“And it’s not here? With me?” His tone is growing austere. Angry even.
Don’t do this, Ryan. Not yet.
“I didn’t say that,” I protest quickly. “I didn’t. I just need—”
“More time,” he finishes for me, annoyed.
I nod. “Yes.”
“So was that whole “I love you too” thing bullshit? A way to keep me calm on the plane?”
“No,” I say, shocked and indignant that he’d go there. “Of course not.”
“So you’re saying that you love me, you just can’t be with me?”
Fuck. “Not right now, no.”
“But you think maybe someday?” He’s so pissed. I don’t blame him, but still. It’s hard to hear and hard to see, and hard to handle.
The waiter interrupts us and we place our orders, though my appetite is almost completely gone. When he leaves, I can see Ryan is waiting for my answer.
So I guess he does want to do this now.
“I love you, Ryan. I do. So much.” His harsh expression doesn’t alter because he can feel the but coming. “But you said it yourself on the plane. Mrs. Taylor. In my mind I’m still married to Eric, and I don’t know how to shut that off. I don’t know how to reconcile loving two men and how that works. How to love you the way you deserve while not betraying Eric or his memory.” I’m wringing my fingers in my lap.
“Katie,” he leans forward, his features softening, which is not what I expected. “I understand that you still love Eric. I expect you always will. I’m not asking to replace him, sweetheart. I’m just asking for you to give us a chance and see where it goes.”
“I know. I know that,” I’m nodding.
“But you’re still not ready.”
I shake my head no.
“Will you ever come back?” he swallows hard and so do I.
“I don’t know, Ryan. I’d love to say yes. I’d love to tell you that my world will all make sense again in a matter of weeks and that we’ll live happily ever after, but I can’t make that promise, and I can’t ask you to wait for me while I work out my fucked up mind.”
“And if I want to wait for you?”
“Ryan—”
“No, Katie,” he snaps, interrupting me. “Don’t you think that’s my choice? Don’t you think I should get to choose who to love and how to do it?”
“No one chooses who they love.”
“Ah. So you wish you didn’t love me? Is that what you’re saying?” He places his forearms on the table, resting his chest on top of them and killing me with his eyes. “I’m an inconvenience to you and this little voyage of emotional discovery you’ve set yourself on?”
I can’t take this anymore. I just fucking can’t.
Getting up, I walk around the table, and as I approach him, he leans back in his seat. I don’t care that we’re in a nice restaurant in the middle of Seattle with people staring at us. I need him to understand.
Climbing onto his lap sideways, I take his face in my hands until he’s forced to look into my eyes.
“That’s not it at all. You’re not an inconvenience, or a regret, or anything else negative. You’ve reopened my closed-off world. You’ve given me so much, I can’t even begin to tell you how grateful I am, or thank you for it. But I’m not fully there yet. I still have a lot to figure out and work through, and it’s not right for me to drag you into that.”
He laughs humorlessly, shaking his head like I’m not making sense. His hand comes up, rubbing up and down my spine.
“Okay, Katie,” his tone is resigned. “I get it, and I can’t argue it with you, because your mind is made up on this. But you should know that I love you. That I’ll always love you, and that I want you no matter what. So if you need time, fine. Take time. But you need to understand that I plan on fighting like hell for you.”
Shit. I smile huge at that. “You’re a fucking rock star, aren’t you?”
He laughs, kissing me. “If that’s what it takes to eventually make you mine, then sure.” If love were easy and played by the rules, I would be his forever. But it’s not always that simple. Is it?
26
Kate
*
* *
Our Thai food is awesome, and I have a feeling that since they deliver, Ryan is going to be eating it often. We didn’t talk about anything serious for the rest of the meal. In fact, my new best friend, Luke came and met us.
A little odd? Sure, but what the hell.
Luke is…well, what can I say about Luke?
He’s a wiseass in the best sense of the word.
That and he’s hot. Not quite Ryan hot, but certainly delicious in a very different sort of way. While Ryan does the whole bearded, glasses man-of-mystery thing, Luke does the whole tall, dark, and handsome thing. His hair and eyes are both the same chestnut brown, but the mischief in those eyes is unmistakable.
He’s irresistible that way.
Promising all kinds of trouble that you just can’t help but say yes to.
Luke made it his personal mission to show us around not only Ryan’s new neighborhood, but he also brought us down to the famed Pike Place Market.
Super cool.
Okay, I admit it.
I’m a fan of Seattle.
I mean, come on, flying fish? Who could turn that crap down? No one, that’s who. And then there’s the beautiful waterfront, and the trees, and the mountains, and the cool shops, and eclectic mix of people.
Yup, I may just love it here.
Ryan held my hand the entire afternoon, laughing and smiling and chatting easily. I was worried. I was even freaking out a bit.
I’m hoping that maybe he understands things finally.
But that whole fighting for me thing? What do I do with that?
Other than eat it up with a spoon? Because as much as I want him to have a real life and not bother wasting it on me, I want him to fight for me.
I also love the fact that Ryan has Luke.
They’re easy friends, even though the majority of their interactions are ribbing each other. But in all seriousness, I’m having the best day.
“Duchess Kate,”—Luke calls me Duchess Kate— “You seem like a rad adventure girl,” he says as we get to the city center. I can’t help but laugh, because really?
“Sure I am,” I say with a smug grin.
“Then you’ll fly up the Space Needle with me?”
“That’s an adventure? Puh--lease.”
He laughs. “Tell that to Mr. Serious over here.” He hooks his thumb at Ryan who just rolls his eyes.
“Why do you keep calling him Mr. Serious? Is that meant to be ironic?”
Both guys look at each other, but Luke is giving that smile again. The one he’s had all afternoon, and if I weren’t in love with Ryan, it would totally make me tingle in the best of places.
It doesn’t, though, FYI.
“Because those MIT boys are boring as all fuck,” Luke says. “They created lame-ass nicknames for each other. It was like some sort of cult, or initiation into mediocrity or something.”
Ryan snorts, pulling me in closer to his side and kissing the top of my head. “And you Caltech assholes really had it going on,” he says sarcastically. “Do you know what Luke’s handle was when we were in school, Katie?”
“Obviously I don’t, Ryan. I was slumming it in high school while you old-ass dudes were busy playing your reindeer games.”
“Can I take her, Ryan? Please? Just for a while. I probably won’t give her back, though,” Luke says, smiling down at me with mock seduction.
Or maybe it’s real. So hard to tell with him. Damn.
“Try it, motherfucker, and watch what happens.”
“Both of you shut up. I want to ride to the top of the Space Needle and you’re wasting my time.” I look over at Luke. “We doing this shit, or what?”
“Fuck, I’m in love,” Luke says, bringing a hand up to his chest over his heart like he’s been struck. “You should come with us, man, or I may just stick my tongue down her throat and call it an accident? Or not an accident? Depends on how much she’s into it,” he shrugs.
I laugh, but Ryan doesn’t. He’s too busy staring daggers into Luke, who’s smiling like the cocky bastard he is.
“Come on, baby, ride up to the top with me.” I pull on Ryan’s hand and he looks down at me. I think he likes it when I call him baby. In fact, I think it may have superpowers where he’s concerned.
He groans, but allows me to drag him along. The ride up is fast and cool, and the views of Seattle, the mountains, and the water, are unbelievable.
Ryan’s arms are wrapped around me as we walk along the globe of the observation deck.
“I’m going to miss you,” he whispers into me, and I can’t help but lean into him. Can’t help but want to soak up every single second of my time with him.
“Sometimes what you need is not what you want.” It’s really all I can offer at this point.
“Maybe. But sometimes what you want is exactly what you need. Come here.” He drags me over to the glass window and poses us for yet another one of his selfies. He doesn’t really strike me as the type of guy who likes taking pictures of himself, or even being in them for that matter, but he takes them of us frequently.
“You guys really do make me sick,” Luke says, watching us smile for the phone. “Your cuteness is disturbing.”
I shrug. “Probably right, but what can you do?”
“Do you have a twin sister, Duchess?” Luke asks. “An identical cousin, or something like that?”
“Nope. Only child, Luke. So if you like the blonde hair, blue-eyed thing, maybe you should bounce down to California. There was plenty of that when we were in LA.”
“Yeah, but I don’t really like bleach and plastic. And you forget I lived there once myself. Pasadena is a bitch-slap away from LA.”
I laugh. “A bitch-slap? I can’t tell if that’s ironic or derogatory.”
“Could be both, Duchess Kate, could be both.” His hand reaches out, touching my waist.
“Luke, I think it’s time you get your paws off my girl and get your punk-ass home, before I fire you and find another low-life, mildly talented asshole to take your place.”
Luke shakes his head with a half-smile. “Not likely my friend. I’m the best of the best, and the lowest of the low—in that order. It’s completely impossible to replace me.” He reaches out his hand, and he and Ryan do some sort of bro-shake-hug thing. Luke winks at me, leaning in and giving me a lingering hug and slow kiss on the cheek. “Bye, Duchess Kate. It’s really been a pleasure. And if you ever tire of this big guy, come find me. I’m way more entertaining.”
After Luke leaves us, Ryan and I continue to walk around the top together. I turn to him with a big smile. “I like Luke. I’m glad you have a buddy here.”
Ryan gives me his crooked smile. “A buddy? What am I, six?”
“I’m sorry, did you say sex?” I ask, keeping my face impassive.
“Yes. I definitely said sex, so move that sexy ass of yours so I can get you home and take advantage of you.”
“I believe I am deserving of some spankings.”
He groans, dropping his forehead to the top of mine. “Killing me, Katie. Killing me. I never thought of myself as a man who would enjoy spanking a woman, but I am, and I’m dying to turn that round perfect ass a lovely shade of pink.”
“Funny, because I never thought of myself as a woman who would enjoy being on the receiving end of said spankings, but I am, Mr. Grant, and it’s all your fault.”
I’m teasing him, but his expression turns serious as he pulls me in, kissing me deeply.
“Then I guess we’re meant to be together, Katie.”
I swallow hard and don’t respond.
How can it feel like what he’s saying is right when I always knew I was meant to be with Eric?
By the time we get back to Ryan’s, it is late in the evening, almost dinner time. We decide to try out some of the delivery services in the area as we light a fire and curl up in front of it.
Ryan hasn’t stopped touching me once.
Not once.
Like he’s stockpiling it for when I�
�m gone.
“The food is ordered, and they assured me it would take at least forty-five minutes to get here.”
“Oh,” I laugh. “They assured you of that, did they?”
He nods, taking off his glasses and setting them down on the coffee table. “They did indeed, love. Now get that bottom over here. I’m not going to tie you up right now, due to time constraints, but I am going to spank you for making me get on an airplane this morning, and then I’m going to fuck you crazy.”
Holy hell, I can’t help but squirm.
My cheeks are on fire, as is the rest of my body. He walks me over to the edge of the rug between the coffee table and the hearth then strips me down slowly. His eyes rake in every inch of me, memorizing the slopes, and curves, and shades of my skin. I don’t think I’ve ever been so turned on in my life.
He takes off his shirt and jeans, but leaves his black boxer briefs on. Twirling his finger in the air, indicating that he wants me to turn around, I do as I’m told, only to realize that the shades on the window are open.
“Ryan?” I ask nervously. “The window.”
“Is facing the water and the mountains. No one can see in, sweetheart. I’d never share this with anyone.” His hands run up and down my skin, leaving delicious shivers in their wake. “Bend over,” he whispers in my ear, and my breath catches.
My legs threaten to give out on me as I bend forward, placing my hands onto the coffee table and closing my eyes. Smack! Ryan’s hand hits my ass before rubbing it soothingly to ebb the sting. It doesn’t really hurt. He’s not hitting me hard. It’s just enough to make me feel it.
He does this five more times, and by the time he’s done, I’m panting and struggling to hold myself up. Suddenly I feel his mouth kissing and licking and sucking on my sensitive burning flesh, and I can’t help but moan loudly. His fingers find me and he releases a moan of his own, before his mouth replaces them.
I wouldn’t say I’m sexually innocent, but I’ve never had someone go down on me from this angle, or been this exposed while experiencing it. It takes me no time at all to reach my climax, and when he slides inside of me, it’s the ultimate connection.
“Katie,” he moans my name over and over. “I’ll never get enough,” he groans.