So Screwed

by Melissa Marino

  I stood staring into my closet, glancing at my wardrobe consisting of almost all things I hadn’t worn in months while I was gone. There wasn’t a single piece that didn’t remind me of him. Every piece of fabric he once touched, every article he slipped from my body made me recall each precious moment.

  But I had to keep moving. It was the only way to not drown.

  I picked out the least painful outfit, did my hair and makeup as I always did, and as I stepped back out into the real world, I appeared to look like I always did. Inside, though, I was shattered.

  Bridget was already at the office when I got there, digging around my desk with one hand and holding a large Styrofoam cup of coffee in the other.

  “Hey,” she said, looking up. “Did you get a chance to send out this invitation yesterday before you—”

  Before.

  “Huh?” I asked. “What?”

  She narrowed her eyes at me, and the invitation dropped to my desk. Her glare never faltered as she crept around the desk to face me. “Are you still sick?”

  I took a deep breath and stepped around her, unbuttoning my coat. “No. I’m fine. What were you saying?”

  “You’re still really pale and it looks like…something.”

  “I said I was fine,” I snapped. “Now what did you want? It’s going to take me forever to get through this mess you made.”

  “Have you had your coffee yet? And when was the last time you ate?”

  I threw my hands up. “Does it matter? Is informing you of my liquid and caloric intake part of my job description?”

  “What is wrong with you?” she asked, raising her voice. “I’m okay with your usual sass, and maybe you being away for a few months has made me forget, but I’m not okay with this.”

  “Yeah, well maybe working for you is the problem. Maybe if I never left, then—”

  “What?”

  Maybe I needed to say it out loud. Maybe it would be easier.

  “Abel and I aren’t…he’s…”

  “I’m not following you. You guys broke up?”

  No, we didn’t break up. Breaking up would have required a conversation, a conflict, but I didn’t get the luxury of either.

  “Did you get a chance to look at the names for the new client yesterday?”

  “Hold on. We’ll get to that. Tell me about Abel.”

  I sat down in my chair and pulled up the most recent client file. When his name appeared, I turned the screen toward Bridget.

  Her eyes scanned across it and widened immediately when she saw what I was trying to tell her. “No way,” she said under her breath. “There’s no way.”

  “My thoughts, but it’s true.”

  “Are you fucking kidding me?”

  “No. And I don’t want to talk about it anymore than we already have. I obviously can’t be involved with this wedding at all. If there is any lucky part of it, it’s only in four months, so…”

  “What kind of asshole do you think I am? We aren’t doing this wedding. I had no idea when I talked to her last month who she was. I’ll handle it, but—”

  “Last month?” I asked.

  “Yeah. I think so. I’ll have to look it up, but it was definitely November.”

  While I was missing him, longing for him, he was asking her to be his wife. I’d never felt more foolish, or disgusted with myself in my life.

  “Stupid, stupid dumbass,” I mumbled. For the first time, tears began to back up in my eyes, but I shook my head to bring myself back to reality. I wasn’t going to cry in front of Bridget. I wasn’t going to cry and allow the wetness on my cheeks to remind me of what he did.

  “You got that right. He is a stupid dumbass. He’s worse than that. I can’t believe he did this.”

  “No. Me. I’m the stupid dumbass.”

  * * *

  There was no place I’d rather not be than at Aaron and Callie’s, after the last two days I had, for a Christmas party. However, I wanted to face it all at once. I wanted to know why my best friend kept something like my boyfriend is engaged to someone else a secret. I didn’t want to do it, but I had to do it.

  The door opened, and Callie rushed into me, hugging me so tight it made my heart ache even worse than it already was. I’d already lost the boy, and now…I was probably going to lose my best friend, too.

  “I’m so happy to see you, Ev. I haven’t been apart from you for this long since…well, ever since we’ve met,” she said into my hair.

  Tears started to burn my eyes, but I’d done enough of that earlier. I didn’t want any more.

  I untangled myself from her and stepped back. “I can’t stay. I’m only dropping off a gift for Delilah.”

  I held the pink-wrapped box out to her. She swatted it before grabbing my hand. “No, you’re not only dropping off. Come on. We’ve all missed you.”

  “I can’t,” I said, yanking my hand away.

  Her expression shifted, happiness turned to worry so fast I knew she could sense something was wrong already. “What’s going on?” she asked.

  My eyes looked at the ground, my feet planted on her weather-worn welcome mat. She needed a new one after the cold, snowy winter. It always would’ve been me to point these things out to her.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” I whispered.

  “Tell you what? You’re freaking me out.”

  I pushed my eyes upward, level with hers. “About Abel.”

  Still nothing.

  “What about him?” she asked. “Won’t you come in and let’s talk about this?”

  Her refusal to admit anything only fueled my anger. I couldn’t hold back.

  “How could you not tell me about Abel getting engaged? I came home and was completely ambushed. A guy…and one you knew how I felt about, but whatever…is one thing. But you? You lying to me? I don’t even know how you could do that?”

  She stared at me, her jaw hanging open, speechless. It took me a moment, but because I knew her better than anyone else, even myself at times, I could see her expression was genuine. She had no idea what I was talking about.

  “Get the hell in here,” she shouted. “Now.”

  I followed her in and I was barely past the threshold when she slammed the door closed behind me. “You’re talking nonsense, Evelyn, and acting completely out of control. What is wrong with you?”

  “Are you telling me that you, who lives with Abel’s brother, had no idea he was getting married?”

  She snorted. “Abel? Where did you hear that?”

  “From Abel!” I yelled.

  “What? That’s ridiculous. I’m sure he was kidding.”

  I was trying to separate everything coming at me again, sort out what I thought I knew, but what was really true. It was like I was dancing through land mines and didn’t know what I’d step on next.

  I drew in a deep breath. “I came home very early yesterday morning around two a.m. I took a quick nap and headed into the office. The first appointment for the day was a new client. This amazingly tall, very beautiful Italian girl, Dafne. Her fiancé? Abel Matthews.”

  “Oh, I’m sure that—”

  “I know what you’re going to say. Oh, there must be some mistake. I couldn’t wrap my brain around it, but then it all started coming together. How he canceled his trip out and has been withdrawing more and more. The final piece? When I ran out of the office because I was going to go find him, and he was already there, going to meet his fiancée.”

  Her eyes were so large, and her face was a shade of deep red. It was a level of anger I’d never seen in her before. Callie’s MO was to cry first and get ragey next. This…was all new to me.

  “Aaron! Come here now!”

  Delilah’s head poked out from the end of hallway. “Why are you screaming, Callie?” she asked nervously.

  Callie closed her eyes, mouthing “shit” under her breath. “I’m sorry, sweetie. I was happy to see Evelyn and wanted Daddy to come see her, too.”

  Delilah still seemed unsure, gripping the
tulle of her ivory party dress in her little hands.

  “Hi Delilah,” I said. “I have a present for you. Do you want to come get it?”

  She looked at Callie, and when she nodded in approval, Delilah raced down the hallway, with us meeting her halfway. I handed her the pink box, which contained the newest Barbie and assorted outfits, and squatted down in front of her.

  “I think it’s okay for you to open this one now before Christmas,” I said.

  “Callie?” she asked.

  “Yes, you can. Why don’t you go up to your room and I’ll be right there?”

  She took off running and up the stairs, passing Aaron who was on his way down.

  “What’s wrong? I was just getting out of the shower,” Aaron said. “Welcome back, Evelyn.”

  I wasn’t prepared for seeing Abel’s brother in the flesh, with the same blue eyes and strong jawline. They were so similar. My stomach turned, the same sour reaction I had since yesterday.

  “Evelyn is really upset and I’m fully confused,” Callie said. “I’m wondering if you know anything about it.”

  Aaron stood next to Callie, his eyebrows furrowed together in concern. Another Abel thing. “What’s going on?”

  I shook my head because I knew if I said the words again, the tears would start. The last thing I wanted was for them to see how destroyed I was and then to report to Abel. There was no way I’d let him know he ruined me.

  Callie turned to face Aaron. “She said Abel told her he was getting married. I mean, that’s ridiculous, right? Why would he say such a stupid thing?”

  Aaron closed his eyes, his lips drawn into a tight line before whispering, “Shit. What the fuck?”

  “What the hell is wrong with him?” Callie said, raising her voice.

  His eyes opened, but he was confused with whom to turn his attention to. Callie or me. He picked both, shifting his eyes between us both.

  “Look, I didn’t know what exactly was up, but he started asking a lot questions about marriage, divorce—” he said before Callie cut him off.

  “Wait,” she said, lifting her hand up. “You knew about this?”

  “Of course not, but there was something going on with him I couldn’t put my finger on. Evelyn, I’m so sorry.”

  My brief moment of relief knowing Callie hadn’t kept this from me was replaced by the betrayal that Aaron knew something was wrong and never said a word. I needed to get away. I needed to get out of that house and away from them. Away from Aaron’s face, his voice, and his fucking devotion to his brother.

  “I have to go,” I said, turning and rushing toward the door.

  “Wait!” Callie called after me. “Don’t leave. Please.”

  She reached me, and her hand wrapped around my arm. I fought against her grip. “I have to. I’ll—”

  “Aaron,” she cried. “How could you do this? How could you not tell her? Or me? Look at her!”

  “Please, don’t you two argue over this,” I said. I looked at Callie, tears falling. “Promise me.”

  Her grip loosened and I pulled free. “Tell Delilah I’m sorry I can’t stay for the party,” I said, opening the door.

  “I’m coming with you,” Callie said. She pushed Aaron out of the way, flew down the hallway and up the stairs. “I’m getting my shoes!”

  I stared at Aaron, hoping he’d offer something of an explanation, something to make it hurt less. That night of our birthdays when the four of us thought we were so damn lucky. Best friends and brothers. Was there anything more perfect?

  “I promise we won’t argue,” Aaron said quietly.

  Callie’s footsteps, followed by her voice telling Delilah she had to run out for a bit, echoed above us. I didn’t have time.

  “You and your brother are so alike, Aaron,” I said. “Both of your promises mean nothing to me anymore.”

  I shoved the door open and ran down the steps. I ran and ducked between houses until I couldn’t hear Callie’s voice anymore.

  But because she knew me, loved me, she was already at my apartment when I got there. With no questions asked, she crawled into bed with me and held me until the tears, the screaming, forced me to lose my own voice.

  Chapter Twenty

  ABEL—

  I was going insane. People threw that term around, but now I knew what it legitimately meant. My mind wasn’t my own anymore. It was too crowded with thoughts of Evelyn and the agonizing expressions she had on her face when she left me. The hateful tone in her voice repeated over and over again in my brain.

  “What kind of twisted fuck are you?”

  “You are disgusting.”

  “Keep my name out of your fucking mouth.”

  I deserved all of it and even more. There was no rationalization I could give her. Not now. I couldn’t even wrap my brain around how I’d do it in the future, but I would. I had to. I only hoped she would listen.

  A moment, just a small moment, would come and I’d imagine it was all a dream.

  A nightmare.

  Then a reminder would come.

  It was no illusion. It was all real.

  The debt I owed Benji was $400,000.

  Two days, or two years, was never going to be enough time to settle with him.

  “I’ll forget all about it, Abel, if you do this one thing for me,” he said.

  And if I didn’t?

  An evil smirk spread across his face. “I’ll have to go to your family. Your parents. Your brother.”

  I couldn’t stop him if that was what he was going to do.

  But then he continued.

  “Accidents can always look just like that, you know?” he said. “Remember Cody Torres? It was a shame how he fell off the roof of the fraternity house in college.”

  He played poker with me. With us.

  Was that Benji who did that to him? Cody was paralyzed. That was back in college, and nausea rolled over me, considering how much more he was probably capable of now.

  “Abel,” he said with a chuckle. “I hear you have a girlfriend. South Carolina is really far away. Maybe I should pay her a visit?”

  There was no fucking way he was getting near Evelyn or my family.

  So I agreed.

  All would be forgiven in exchange for a “favor” that would last three years.

  Yesterday, I got a text from Benji:

  Debt will be forgiven as promised. Keep working your end of the deal. I heard you have a niece. That’s nice.

  I’d wait for another moment so I could slip away into delusion, but sometimes they wouldn’t come for a while.

  If only Dafne had waited to talk to me first before going over there. No. It was my fault. She didn’t know. Maybe I should’ve had my phone louder so I could’ve heard the text message come through. Or maybe I should’ve been awake by midmorning instead of sleeping off my drunkenness. No. Maybe I shouldn’t have fucked myself so hard that I was losing everything.

  It was all on me and that was exactly where I wanted it to be.

  My days were spent with clouded, confused judgment, but there was one thing that was crystal clear. I was doing the right thing. No one would understand the why or how except Dafne, Benji, and myself, but when left with the choice of saving myself or saving everyone who I loved around me, I knew there was no choice.

  There was no joy, no laughter in my life at all. It was all emptiness.

  There was only one thing I could do that would fill my mind with anything else but dread. Write. The book she told me to keep writing. The book she said I would find my passion in. It was the only way I could get close to her, as if I was writing every word for her. I buried myself in every word, every paragraph, until the words bled together. Then I’d take a break and go back to it. Two days after she returned home, it wasn’t enough.

  I saw the bottle of cologne she made for me sitting on my dresser. It made me miss her signature scent. There was one T-shirt she had left behind, on purpose I’d assumed, but like the pussy I was, I slept with it every nigh
t. The scent had faded but I could smell it. There wasn’t going to be much more time until it all disappeared. I flipped my bottle over and read the name of the store where she made it.

  There was one way to keep a piece of her close to me.

  I grabbed the shirt and went to Scentsory, the custom fragrance maker.

  “Can I help you?” asked a cheerful, late-teen girl.

  “Yes. I need to make a scent or perfume or whatever the hell you call it.”

  “Okay, well we have over a hundred oils for you to choose from so—”

  “No,” I said, interrupting her. “I don’t need to choose. I already know what I want. I think.”

  “Great,” she said, walking toward the various bottles of oils arranged in circle. “Where did you want to start?”

  “It’s a bunch of vanilla and some flower with a p. Wait,” I said, pulling her crumpled T-shirt from my coat pocket. “It’s on here.”

  I shoved the shirt at her, but she stepped back. “Ah. What?”

  “Can you smell this and tell me exactly what it is?”

  Her eyes shifted back and forth like she thought I was nuts. That was no longer debatable. I didn’t have the energy to try to pretend, either. I just wanted to get what I came for.

  “Look,” I said. “It’s my…girlfriend’s…scent. I want to surprise her. I’m not being a creep. I took one of her shirts because I know her perfume is all over it.”

  “That’s so sweet! No offense, but it did come off as a little creepy. Here,” she said, taking the shirt from me and bringing it to her nose.

  I watched as she moved around the white cotton, breathing in deeper and deeper, before finally handing it back to me. “Sorry,” she said. “I don’t smell anything?”

  “What?” I snapped. “Are you serious?”

  I inhaled against the fabric and it was all there. All of my Evelyn. How could this chick not smell it?

  “Do you have a cold or something because it’s all over this,” I asked.

  “Ah. No. I don’t have a cold. We can try mixing some together to see if we can’t get something close enough for you.”

  “I don’t want close,” I said, tightening my grip around the shirt before jabbing it back at her. “Can you try again? Please?”