Dumfries

by Todd, Ian

  “Jesus H Christ, Ross. How the fuck hiv ye managed tae get yersels stuck?” Boabby, the lost bobby, demanded tae know, suddenly appearing oot ae naewhere, looking sheepish, the bulge in his crotch still visible.

  “Ah don’t know. Ah tried turning the key and the bloody thing widnae budge, so it widnae.”

  “Hiv ye tried turning it back the way?”

  “Fur Christ’s sake, Boabby, Ah’ve tried this way and that…everything apart fae pishing in the keyhole. We’ll need tae get these two through intae the cells,” Ross hauf wailed, turning and looking at Johnboy nervously.

  “Right, well, unhook yer belt wae the chain oan it and leave the key where it is. Gie me a minute tae nip back up the stairs and we’ll take them through intae the North Court and back doon the stairs in that dock,” Boabby said, before disappearing.

  “Ah’ll bet ye yer Peter Manuel didnae get tae be in two docks in the wan High Court oan the same day, oan the same charge, at the exact same time as us, when he goat sentenced,” Silent beamed. “Oh, and by the way, don’t ever compare us wae a fucking sick perverted stoat-the baw or Ah’ll fucking tear that bloody tongue oot ae yer mooth wae ma bare hauns and stuff it right up yer arse, so Ah will,” Silent said quietly, smiling at Byron The Bore, who tried tae come back wae a response, bit failed miserably, as that mooth ae his opened and shut, like a spring-loaded trap door.

  Chapter Four

  “How did ye get oan then, Johnboy?” a face asked fae the open hatch oan a cell door oan Johnboy’s left, as he passed by.

  “Fourteen,” he replied, wondering who the hell this James Baxter wis.

  “Fur fuck’s sake!”

  “Whit aboot yersel, Silent?” another face asked fae the opposite cell in the corridor.

  “Five,” Johnboy replied, knowing fine well Silent widnae answer, although efter whit he’d hid tae put up wae in the past few minutes, who knew?

  Johnboy stoapped, before haudin up his wrist tae get the hauncuff aff ae it. The two brothers, awready sitting in the cell, didnae speak as Silent followed Johnboy in and the door wis loudly slammed shut behind them. Two big white plastic mugs, wae a couple ae thick slices ae breid wae red cheese jammed in the middle ae them, wur sitting oan the narrow stripped, tungsten steel bench, waiting fur them.

  “Ur they fur us?” Johnboy asked.

  “Aye, but the tea will probably be cold. They’ve been sitting there a while now.”

  Johnboy haunded o’er wan ae the cheese pieces tae Silent, before sinking his teeth intae his wan. Nowan spoke. The brothers sat silently, looking between Johnboy, who wis still oan his feet, and Silent, who wis noo sitting cross-legged oan the flair, his back against the steel, studded, door.

  “Did I just hear you saying you got fourteen years, Johnboy?” Shamus asked him, that Irish voice ae his, fur some strange reason, sounding totally alien in a place like the dungeons ae Glesga High Court.

  “Aye.”

  “At least you’re young. You’ll still be a young man by the time you get out,” Gerry, his brother said kindly.

  “And you got away with five, Silent?” Shamus asked.

  “So, whit aboot youse, Shamus?” Johnboy came back swiftly wae, butting-in tae save Shamus’s embarrassment when Silent didnae respond.

  “We’ve been told that they’ll be sending the jury out to consider their verdicts on Monday. The lawyer said he thinks they’ll take a few days to deliberate.”

  “A few days? Well, that sounds promising. That means The Crown hisnae come up wae as good an argument as they thought they hid. The jury we hid took wan look at Silent and that wis that. Ah don’t think they wur away mair than two hours before they trooped back in. Ah knew we wur well-goosed, when that auld buck-toothed army-looking guy wae the Hitler moustache avoided gieing me eye contact.”

  “Maybe we should’ve turned up wearing cravats,” Silent interrupted, grinning, coming back tae the land ae the living.

  “And you, ya stupid prick, ye. Whit wis aw that shite between you and that turnkey aboot?” Johnboy demanded, as Silent finally took a bite oot ae his cheese sandwich, efter hivving sat, studying it intently fur aboot four minutes straight.

  Johnboy looked at the brothers. Shamus and Gerry hid been oan remand up in the Bar-L at the same time as Johnboy and Silent and their three pals, Tony Gucci, Pat McCabe and Snappy Johnston. Gerry wis the quiet wan who hardly spoke and always hid his face in a bible, while Shamus, the youngest, jist came across as wan ae the boys. They looked exactly like whit they wur…two young farmers fae Southern Ireland. As well as supposedly being in the Provisional IRA, they wur the main defendants in the ‘Bombs in the Chapel’ trial that hid been playing oot in the newspapers and the news oan the telly fur the past few weeks. There wis a lassie, the same age as Johnboy and Silent, who’d also been charged wae them, who wis being kept separate, somewhere alang the corridor. Johnboy hid caught a glance ae her in the passing, bit she’d kept her eyes averted, doonwards, so he hidnae hid the chance tae say hello tae her. She’d been kept oan remand oot in Cornton Vale wummin’s nick in Stirling. Seemingly, the brothers and the lassie hid been stashing big piles ae gelignite and other weapons in the vestry ae St Teresa’s chapel up in Possil. The priest, Father John, hid fucked aff back tae Ireland and wis refusing tae come back tae be questioned. The Irish wur refusing tae extradite him because ae who he wis, knowing fine well that aw the Catholics in Ireland wid be up in erms, if they gied in and shipped a priest back tae The Brits. Johnboy wis glad Father John hid managed tae dae a runner. It wid’ve been embarrassing fur Shamus and Gerry tae hiv witnessed Johnboy booting the baws aff ae their co-accused, seeing as they came across as a right pair ae gentlemen. Father John hid gied Johnboy’s ma a lot ae grief a couple ae years earlier, jist before she died ae a brain haemorrhage, oan the same night as she’d won a Corporation election tae be a cooncillor up in Springburn. Being locked up wae him wid’ve been too much ae a temptation oan Johnboy’s part. The wee pontificating prick hid always been spouting aff, busy telling people how tae live their lives and there he wis, up tae his vestments in running a bloody bomb factory. When they’d been walking aroond the exercise yard oan remand, Gerry hid asked The Mankys if any ae them hid come across Father John. The others hid left it tae Johnboy tae reply.

  “The last time any wan ae us ever spoke tae a priest wis efter Tony went in the huff because the dirty basturt tried tae stick his finger up Tony’s bum withoot first washing it,” Johnboy hid replied.

  “Johnboy, get yer facts right or shut the fuck up. The real reason wis that he hid fang breathe and he nearly knocked me oot when he wis trying tae whisper sweet nothings intae that lug ae mine…that and the fact, Ah wis only nine-years-auld at the time,” Tony hid said tae laughter, as the two brothers’ faces hid turned red wae embarrassment.

  “It sounds tae me as if ye’re in wae a good shout ae getting found not guilty,” Johnboy said, getting back tae the subject in haun.

  “We were just talking about it before you arrived.”

  “Stephen Charles, our Queen’s Counsel says it could be fifty-fifty, either way,” Gerry said, looking up fae his bible.

  “Ach well, Ah wish youse aw the best. At least we know where we staun noo,” Johnboy said, looking across at Silent, wondering if he knew anything aboot this James Baxter wan.

  “So, what happens to you now?” Shamus asked.

  “Ah think they’re planning tae ship us oot tae Longriggend, near Airdrie, tae be assessed before moving us oan. It’s a big secure remand nick fur young offenders, bit they’ve goat a section in it fur convicted YOs who’ve been sentenced, like us, tae Her Majesty’s Pleasure fur murder. Wan ae the pass-men up at the reception in Barlinnie telt me that he heard a couple ae senior screws talking and they said that if we goat found guilty, they wur gonnae keep masel and Silent separated fae Tony, Snappy and Pat until they decide where tae put us. They’ve awready been moved alang tae E Hall…the young offenders hall back up in the Bar-L…efter being sentenced last week. E
fter Longriggend, Ah’m no too sure, bit it’ll probably be Jessiefield, or Dumfries Young Offenders, as it’s noo called. At least, it will be fur me, wae the length ae ma sentence.”

  “Ah want tae go tae Saughton in Edinburgh and become a barber, so Ah dae,” Silent announced suddenly.

  “Bit Ah thought ye wur a joiner, ya tadger, ye?” Johnboy asked, smiling fur the first time since being sentenced, as Silent reached across and lifted up another cheese piece.

  “Naw, that wis back in borstal in seventy wan. This time, Ah’m gonnae tell them Ah worked in Tony’s da’s barber-shoap, doon oan the High Street,” Silent replied, smiling, taking a bite. “And who the hell’s this James Baxter wan when he’s at hame?”

  “Good evening. My name is John Turney and these are the news headlines in Scotland tonight.

  Great Britain and Iceland accused each other of aggression in angry letters exchanged at the United Nations in New York, as the Prime Minister, Edward Heath, warned in the commons that Britain would not stand by and allow Iceland to continue with it’s aggressive tactics in the cod war that is beginning to spiral out of control…

  A youth has been sentenced to fourteen years detention in a young offender’s institution by Lord Campbell of Claremyle, at the High Court in Glasgow today for bank robbery and attempting to murder two police officers whilst on duty on the 9th of November last year. The sentence, handed out to eighteen-year-old John Taylor, is the longest ever imposed on a teenager in Scotland. Taylor’s co-accused, eighteen-year-old Samuel Smith, was given a five-year sentence. The bank robbery, which took place in The Clydeside Bank on Maryhill Road, instigated one of the biggest criminal investigations ever carried out in Scotland. It was during the robbery, that a serving police sergeant and a police constable were both shot. Both officers survived the vicious attack after it was found that the discharge from the shotgun used in the robbery contained rice. Although it is known that there were four robbers in the bank plus a getaway driver outside, only Taylor, Smith and eighteen-year-old James Baxter, previously sentenced to nine years for his part in the robbery in January of this year, have ever been charged. Taylor and Smith remained impassive during Lord Campbell’s withering summing-up and refused to comment before being sentenced. There will be more on this and the background to the story later in the programme…

  The funeral of a shooting victim took place at The Linn Crematorium today. Thirty-six-year-old Francis McKinnon died instantly as he left The Three Rings public bar on Paisley Road West last Monday night. It’s believed that Mr McKinnon was a well-known Glasgow underworld gangster and was a member of the so-called McGregor Clan. So far, no arrests have been made in connection with the incident…

  A delighted pensioner has won a refurbished, top of the range, washing machine in Honest John McCaffrey’s Kitchen Essentials monthly grand draw. Seventy-three-year-old Gladys McCabe said that although she is a regular visitor to Honest John’s Kitchen Essentials in Dumbarton Road, Partick, she has never been in a position to afford a washing machine of her own…

  The unannounced 24-hour rail strike that took place yesterday, causing nationwide disruption, has been blamed squarely on management after a previously agreed pay increase was delayed. Union officials have warned management not to try the patience of its members and make the same mistake again, as train drivers representatives met in Glasgow this afternoon to…

  Britain’s hospitals, already suffering from the strike of ancillary workers now face a massive pay claim from 140,000 nurses. NUPE said today that a meeting earlier this week failed to agree on a claim that would give nursing staff an average 40% wage increase. Under the claim, backed by twelve unions, a ward sister would get an increase of £10.80 on her current basic salary of £27 per week and a staff nurse would receive £7.20 on her £20.90 per week. A spokesman for the government …

  The body of a prostitute was found strangled in a midden in Carlton early this morning. The victim, who hasn’t been named by police as yet, is believed to be that of a thirty-three-year-old local woman who hasn’t been seen since leaving her three young children with a neighbour at 5.30pm on Tuesday evening. Police are asking for witnesses with any informa…”

  Chapter Five

  Senga glanced at the face ae the clock oan her bedside table. She swithered as tae whether she’d left it too late tae write the letter or no. It wis twenty tae eleven and the bottle ae Blue Nun that her and Lizzie hid demolished earlier hid awready kicked in. She’d tae be oot ae the door by quarter past six in the morning tae make it up tae The Royal oan time tae start her twelve hour shift at seven. That meant her alarm wid go aff at five tae gie her time tae quickly jump in the bath before Lizzie stirred. She hesitated, contemplating…staring at the writing paper and pen…sitting there, tormenting her, before leaning o’er and lifting her tights aff ae the electric radiator. She put her haun intae wan ae the legs and splayed her fingers as she held them up in front ae the bedside lamp. Despite hivving used a matchstick dipped in her nail varnish tae seal each end ae the ladder that morning, the rungs at the tap ae it hid extended another six inches. That hid been the second pair that week, despite trimming they toenails ae hers.

  “Lizzie?”

  Silence.

  “Lizzie!”

  “W…whit?”

  “Ur ye still awake?”

  “Ah wisnae, bit Ah am noo,” Lizzie murmured fae the other side ae the wall.

  “Ah’ll need tae borrow a pair ae yer tights…clean wans…fur the morning,” Senga said, looking at the wall.

  Silence.

  “Lizzie?”

  “Whit?”

  “Did ye hear me?”

  “Whit?”

  “Ah said Ah’ll…”

  “Ah heard ye, Ah heard ye. Take a pair oot ae ma basket in the kitchen,” Lizzie groaned sleepily.

  Senga smiled. Lizzie Mathieson and Senga hid gone through their nursing training thegither. When Senga hid first met her, Lizzie hid come across as being as docile as a church moose, until a group ae the nursing students hid heided oot in tae the toon oan a hen night. An hour efter arriving, despite repeated warnings fae the bouncers, Lizzie hid been up oan stage wae the club dancers gieing it big licks, flashing her bum and boobs aw o’er the place. Five minutes later, they’d aw been asked tae leave the club and if they wur ever tae return, they wur advised tae leave their nutter ae a pal at hame. That hid been jist o’er two years ago. Six days efter graduating as fully-fledged staff nurses, the baith ae them hid ended up working thegither in the madhoose that wis the casualty department up at The Royal Infirmary, until Lizzie wis transferred up tae wan ae the emergency wards at Stobhill General Hospital three months earlier. Since becoming qualified, Senga hid been squirreling away a wee bit ae money oot ae her twenty-odd quid a week pay, towards a deposit oan a flat. She’d been shocked tae find oot how much the rent wis gonnae cost her fur a wan-bedroomed flat oan her ain. It hid jist seemed the obvious thing, at the time, fur her and Lizzie tae move in thegither efter Lizzie found oot that she wis getting shifted.

  “Even though we’ll say we’ll keep in touch, wance we’re separated, that’ll be that,” Lizzie hid informed her in the canteen efter being telt by Jill Shand, the casualty ward sister that she wis needed elsewhere.

  A few weeks efter that, they’d decided tae accept a wan-bedroomed flat, even though it wid mean wan ae them hivving tae sleep oan the couch and only getting the bed when the other wan wis oan the nightshift. They’d come back fae viewing a nice flat across in Montague Crescent, jist aff ae Great Western Road and tae say they’d been disappointed by the size ae the living room and bedroom wid’ve been the understatement ae the year. The pressure tae find somewhere quickly hid intensified when Lizzie turned up at Senga’s ma’s hoose oan Keppochhill Road in Springburn wae her bags. Lizzie hid hid enough ae her situation at hame and the rent in Montague Crescent wis jist aboot affordable withoot them hivving tae live like hermits. Lizzie hid wanted tae move in five minutes efter viewing the flat. Lizzie and
that da ae hers hid been hivving run-ins aboot her comings and gauns at aw hours ae the day and night. Oan the day in question, Senga and Lizzie hid been hinging aboot in front ae wan ae the two lions ae the Cenotaph in George Square, waiting tae meet up wae Senga’s ma. Lizzie hid flipped a ten pence coin up in the air.

  “Tails!” Senga hid shouted oot, only tae be disappointed, as a big grin appeared oan Lizzie’s face when the heid ae the queen smirked up at her fae Lizzie’s open palm.

  “Story ae ma life,” Senga hid sighed, looking aboot tae see if her ma wis anywhere tae be seen.

  “There ye go,” Lizzie hid said, pointing.

  “Where?”

  “Across there, in front ae Rabbie Burns. She’s talking tae some auld guy in a suit.”

  “Right, let’s go.”

  Senga hidnae been too sure who the smartly dressed man wis that her ma hid been staunin talking tae at first. While he sported a club tie, he didnae look like a plain-clothes detective or an insurance salesman. She hidnae been aware that her ma knew anywan that wore a smart, expensive suit and tie during the day. He looked tae be in his early fifties and Senga could tell, even though her and Lizzie wur still a good distance away fae him, that there wis jist something aboot him that wis different fae the other smartly dressed Corporation officials and businessmen crisscrossing George Square. His stance, while talking tae her ma, oozed a confidence that wis clearly visible fae a distance, and wis similar tae the way the surgeons up at The Royal came across in their daily dealings wae minions like her and Lizzie.

  “Oh, there ye ur, Senga. Say hello tae Wan-bob. Wan-bob, Ah don’t know if ye’ll remember, bit this is Senga, ma youngest, and her pal, Lizzie,” her ma hid beamed.

  “Ah, you must be the nurse, eh? Yer ma wis jist telling me how proud her and yer da ur ae yer achievements, hen,” Mr Broon hid said, smiling.

  As soon as her ma hid said the name, and she’d clocked the two equally well-dressed, well-built bears, that Senga hidnae noticed up until then, casually loitering nearby, the penny hid drapped.