Dumfries

by Todd, Ian

  Within two weeks ae Tam Simpson, his brother, Toby, and Bootsy Bell disappearing, Wan-bob and his bears hid systematically dismantled and transferred aw ae The Simpsons’ and Blaster McKay’s businesses across tae The Big Man. The supposedly smooth transaction hid involved shootings, firebombing, beatings and a couple ae permanent disappearances, wae no a bizzy in sight. It hidnae been lost oan anywan either, that maist ae the retribution hidnae been splashed across the front pages ae the papers either. Before anywan knew whit the fuck hid hit them, the toon hid gone quiet. This wis whit the smartly dressed auld guy, jovially sitting in their midst that night in Jonah’s lounge, wis capable ae, and Peter hid hid the cheek tae ask him tae repeat whit he meant? Wan-bob hidnae been sitting there tae find oot how The Mankys wur daeing. The fact that he wis there, in person, wis tae impress upon them, and Tony in particular, that there should be nae misunderstanding oan their part. If they crossed the line, then there wid be absolutely nowan, apart fae themsels, tae blame.

  Efter Wan-bob and The Goat hid disappeared in tae the night, aw The Mankys hid sat and discussed the best way forward fur them as a team. There hid been nae big party celebration or back slapping. Everywan, withoot exception, hid unanimously agreed that none ae them wanted anything tae dae wae Wan-bob and his band ae merry-psychos. Although The Mankys still believed that they wur worthy ae a mention in dispatches, they also knew fine well that The Big Man’s team ae gorillas wur in a different league aw thegither…at least fur the foreseeable future. Everywan sitting roond the tables in the lounge that night wurnae under any illusions either and knew that Shaun and Danny Murphy wid lay waste tae them, the first chance that they goat and that their very existence at the time depended oan keeping in wae Wan-bob and that right-haun man ae his, Charlie Hastie.

  Five months ae finding their feet fur The Mankys hid passed before Wan-bob hid decided tae test the water, hence the visit fae Tony and Snappy aroond tae the flat in Heim Street the morning efter Silent hid shot Johnboy’s Ma and Da’s good blue glass fish ornament fae the tap ae the telly.

  “We’re gonnae hiv tae respond tae Wan-bob. That’s been aboot a month noo since he first hit us wae this bit ae business. Danny Murphy confronted Peter last night and warned him tae pass oan Wan-bob’s latest offer. He also telt Peter that Wan-bob knows we’re stalling him,” Tony hid announced, ignoring the sound ae crunching glass under his feet, as he walked across the carpet, plapping that arse ae his doon oan the couch.

  “Why no jist get it o’er and done wae?” Snappy wanted tae know.

  “Because if we gie in noo, we’re fucked furever, so we ur,” Johnboy hid reminded him. “We’ll end up as messenger boys fur him and they Murphy basturts.”

  “And if we don’t dae whit he’s asking?” Snappy hid asked.

  “Why us and why noo?” Johnboy hid wondered oot loud, ignoring Snappy.

  “The basturt’s jist trying tae test us, so he is. That’s why he’s left us alane aw this time. He’s jist been biding his time, allowing us tae live aff the fat ae the land. He could get anywan tae dae this, so he could,” Tony hid cursed.

  “Okay, so, where dis that leave us then?” Johnboy hid finally asked, getting fed up trying tae figure oot an escape route.

  “He’s upped the ante. He’s come back wae an extra hunner, raising it tae two hunner and fifty quid tae get shot ae Big Deck McGuiness, bit he wants it done within the next week, so he dis.”

  “Hiv ye goat back tae him yet?”

  “Naw, that’s why we’re up here…we need tae talk and make up oor minds whit we’re gonnae dae,” Tony hid replied, bending o’er and picking up whit looked like the fish’s blue lips.

  “Two hunner and fifty? Christ, that’s no peanuts, so it isnae. So, jist so as Ah’ve goat this right. You’re saying that Wan-bob wants us tae plug Deck McGuiness, wan ae Honest John McCaffrey’s angry bears, who’s well-known…”

  “And feared,” Snappy hid reminded them, trying tae figure whit it wis that he hid in his haun.

  “ …fur running aboot Maryhill and Partick, terrorising everywan shitless,” Johnboy asked, before continuing, “And we don’t know whit he’s supposedly done, bit Wan-bob wants rid ae him. No only that, bit he’s offered us a ton ae money fur oor inconvenience. Whit’s the catch, or his Wan-bob turned intae Santa Claus aw ae a sudden? And whit if we continue tae ignore him? Whit’s he really gonnae dae?” Johnboy hid wanted tae know.

  “That looks like an eye, so it dis,” Tony hid said tae Snappy, showing him his glass fish lips. “Bit he kin go and fuck himsel, so he kin. We’re no getting involved in this shite, so we’re no. If we dae this, he’ll be furever up here, sending us aw o’er the place, trying tae take oot anywan he disnae like…saving himsel fae getting his fingers manky. Fuck him. We’ll jist ignore the basturt and see whit happens,” Tony hid announced, clearly chuffed that Johnboy hid been thinking alang the same lines, as he bent o’er again and picked up a bit ae a tail and placed it oan the coffee table beside the tail fin Snappy hid jist found.

  “Aye, the cracks oan the ceiling will appear long before the ceiling comes crashing doon oan tap ae oor heids, so we’ll hiv plenty ae time tae reconsider oor position nearer the time. Let’s see how long we kin keep the basturt waiting, eh?” Johnboy hid said and they’d aw laughed, as Tony bent o’er before adding another glass piece tae the jigsaw.

  That hid been two days earlier. Oan the day ae Deck’s demise, Johnboy and Silent hid been heiding across tae Woodside tae pick up a bundle ae forged, used rent books fae Bob Montieth, a well-known landlord in the toon and wan ae The Big Man’s business partners. Johnboy and Silent hid been working in partnership, renting unfurnished flats, before using the doctored and stamped rent books as evidence that the couples they sent in tae order furniture fae the big furniture stores hid been staying in the flats and paying their rent regularly and oan time fur mair than two years. Even though him and Silent only used the flat fur a couple ae weeks at a time, the rent books allowed them tae hire-purchase furniture fae the big furniture and carpet shoaps aw o’er the toon. A wee wan or two-bedroomed flat could be fully furnished six or seven times o’er a two-week period, using a dozen different shoapping outlets before him and Silent moved oan tae another flat wae another rent book. The maist flats that they’d hid operating at the wan time hid been nine. The rent books cost them twenty quid each, which wisnae cheap, bit they hid a waiting list ae people, a mile long, who’d aw put in furniture orders via Peter The Runner. The scam wis aw profit, less their original month’s rent ae thirty quid, plus a deposit oan the flat. Peter’s job wis tae line them up wae aboot ten decent, honest-looking couples, who goat paid a tenner up front, tae dae the roonds aroond the big furniture shoaps wae the buckshee rent books, and take oot HP oan the goods. It hid been like stealing sweeties aff ae a slumbering wean in a pram, so it hid. Johnboy and Silent hid been rolling in the financial rewards fae the fruits ae their labour withoot a finger ever being raised in anger. Johnboy’s tactic ae deliberately keeping him and Silent well away fae the rest ae The Mankys hid been paying aff. That hid aw changed efter Tony hid asked them tae drap aff two hunner quid tae his girlfriend, Kim Sui’s uncle’s business, Wee Jimmy Tarbuck’s Chinese Laundry when they wur oot and aboot oan their travels. Jimmy wisnae his real name, and Johnboy wisnae sure whit tag he’d been gifted by his Chinese ma and da when he wis born. Everywan, fur as long as Johnboy could remember, hid called him Jimmy Tarbuck since the sixties, oan account ae him thinking that he wis the funniest fucker oan the planet. In a place like Glesga, where real funny comedians could be found haudin up the corner ae every bar across the city, Wee Jimmy’s claim ae being the funniest wis a tad exaggerated. Even worse, everywan else in the toon thought his jokes wur the crappiest they’d ever hid the misfortune tae hear. Seemingly, when people wur asked whit a fate worse than death wid be tae them, maist people agreed that a night locked up in a cell wae Jimmy won it, hauns doon. When Jimmy hit people wae a joke, they cracked up, no because it wis funny, bit becau
se it wis so bloody awful that they couldnae help themsels fae laughing. The sad thing aboot it wis that Jimmy genuinely didnae realise how bad his jokes wur.

  If he wis honest, Johnboy hidnae been prepared fur the sight that hid confronted him and Silent when they’d strolled intae Wee Jimmy’s office. Who wid’ve been? When they’d first arrived at the laundry factory, they could barely hear themsels fart. Apart fae a permanent big cloud ae steam hinging o’er the building and the taste ae bleach catching them in the back ae their throats, the racket that hid been coming fae the back end ae the wash-hoose hid been like rolling thunder. As well as aw the shitey sheets and manky towels fae the hotels aroond the city getting washed at Jimmy’s, he’d invented a new wash method fur people’s Levi 501 denims and jaickets. God knows how he’d come up wae it, bit insteid ae people buying a nice pair ae 501s and then lightly taking sandpaper tae the legs ae them tae saften them up and gie them a washed-oot look, Jimmy hid moved oot ae his auld office and hid stuck hauf a dozen ae Honest John McCaffrey’s second haun washing machines in tae it. He’d then moved two ae his Chinese laundrymen tae shovel wee roond chucky stanes intae the machines wae the Levis, before washing them. The denims came oot looking great. Every wee ticket in the toon, including The Mankys, hid started tae use Jimmy’s washhoose-blues washing method, as he called it, tae get their 501s and denim jaickets faded. Jimmy hid then went and set up a new office in the yard, across fae the main building. According tae Tony, Wee Jimmy hid a cash flow problem due tae a bit ae bad luck oan the nags and dugs and he needed a short-term loan tae pay fur his office conversion and that week’s wages fur aw his Chinese workers, who wur seemingly every bit as bad as Wee Jimmy wis when it came tae betting oan the nags. When Silent and Johnboy hid turned up at Jimmy’s office tae drap aff Tony’s loan, a big lump ae a basturt, wae hauns the size ae shovels, hid Jimmy bent sideways across his new desk, thumping his heid aff ae it. As well as howling like a banshee, Wee Jimmy hid looked absolutely terrified.

  “Whit the fuck dae youse pair ae clowns want?” Deck McGuiness hid demanded tae know, no letting up oan using Jimmy’s napper as a bouncing basketbaw.

  “Er, we’re here tae speak tae Jimmy,” Johnboy hid replied, trying tae figure oot how tae ease Wee Jimmy’s current predicament.

  “Well, he’s busy, so fuck aff,” Deck hid snarled, resuming smashing the hell oot ae the tap ae Wee Jimmy’s new desk.

  “We’ll wait,” Johnboy hid informed him, plapping that arse ae his doon oan tae an empty seat that wis sitting vacant by the door.

  “Ur youse pair ae bampots trying tae take the cunt?” Deck hid snarled, tossing Jimmy away fae him like a limp rag doll, staunin up straight tae his full height.

  “Us? Naw, naw. We’ve goat a wee bit ae business wae Jimmy here that cannae wait, so we hiv,” Johnboy hid replied, in the maist friendly voice he could muster under the circumstances, nodding across at Wee Jimmy, who wis jist picking himsel up fae the flair, as Deck’s notorious short patience ran oot and he made a move towards Johnboy.

  That hid been as far as Deck hid goat. Silent hid whipped oot his fancy PPK and hid blasted Deck oan the side ae his heid before his second step landed in front ae Johnboy’s ootstretched feet. Fuck, whit wur they supposed tae dae noo, Johnboy’s brain wis still screaming inside that heid ae his. He knew Tony wid be bloody fizzing wae them. Silent hid jist gone and done whit everywan hid wanted tae avoid. Noo Wan-bob wid be rubbing his hauns wae glee.

  “Er, look, Jimmy, we’re gonnae hiv tae shoot the craw, so we ur. Here’s the money fae Tony,” Johnboy said eventually, haudin o’er the wad ae notes.

  “Bit, er, whit Ah’m Ah supposed tae dae wae him?” Jimmy, face as white as wan ae his newly-washed sheets, shrieked fearfully, suddenly realising that he’d participated in the demise ae wan ae Honest John McCaffrey’s favourite enforcers.

  Greasy Jake’s scrap yard wis jist a few hunner yards away. It hid awready crossed Johnboy’s mind tae nip roond there tae ask fur a haun, bit he didnae think that Jake wid take too kindly tae being asked tae dae them a favour in daylight hours as delicate as that, completely oot ae the blue. In fact, the mair he thought aboot it, they’d be mair likely tae end up in the boot ae a car, alang wae Deck, heiding fur the crusher.

  “Ah’ll tell ye whit, Jimmy. Get in touch wae Danny Murphy. Tell him Ah said ye wur tae get in touch wae him tae gie ye a haun tae get rid ae Deck here,” Johnboy replied, no being able tae contain himsel, knowing fine well he wis pouring oil oan troubled water.

  “Bit, bit…”

  “Listen, it’ll be okay. Wan-Bob knows we wur oot and aboot trying tae catch up wae Deck. We’ve been oan his tail aw day. Wae the racket yer machines ur making, we knew this wid be the right place tae pass oan Wan-bob’s message. Jist mind and keep yer trap shut and this door locked fur the rest ae the day. Don’t worry, Danny will keep ye right, so he will,” Johnboy said, heiding fur the door, deliberately no saying a word tae Silent in case he ended up hivving a square go wae the daft basturt in front ae Wee Jimmy and the stiff oan the flair.

  “Sorry aboot yer good wallpaper, Jimmy,” Silent hid the cheek tae murmur, apologetically, speaking fur only the second time in three weeks, as he stepped o’er the body oan the flair, following Johnboy oot the door.

  “Good evening. My name is John Turney and these are the news headlines in Scotland tonight.

  Police have confirmed that the skeletal remains of a decomposed body found ten days ago in a subterranean cellar in the old Firhill Iron Works in Ruchill is believed to be that of a Mr Simon Pawlak, a plasterer by day and a well-known entertainer in the city at night, who goes by the stage name of Python Lee Jackson. Police have also confirmed that a post mortem has established that Mr Pawlak drowned. Detective Chief Inspector Bobby Mack, who is investigating the death, confirmed that Mr Pawlak’s body had been found where it had been lying for up to six months and admitted to being baffled as to how Mr Pawlak’s body got into the cellar. The nearest water to where Mr Pawlak was found is the Forth and Clyde Canal, although Chief Inspector Mack has ruled that location out, as it appears that Mr Pawlak may have drowned in fluorided tap water. Inspector Mack has appealed for anyone to get in touch with him if they have any knowledge of Mr Pawlak’s last confirmed sighting, which was on Friday, 24th November last year, walking along Firpark Street in Ruchill on his own at around 2pm in the afternoon. Members of the public can contact Chief Inspector …

  Mrs Bella McPhail, a twenty-seven-year-old hostess was found guilty at the city’s Sheriff Court of running a house of ill-repute, or a brothel, as Procurator Fiscal, Glenda Metcalfe called the premises. Mrs McPhail was fined a total of thirty pounds and bound over to keep the peace by Sheriff Clifford Burns…

  The Dumbarton Road branch of The Clydeside Bank was held up this morning and a substantial sum, believed to be in four figures, was stolen. A customer withdrawing cash at the branch was taken to hospital where seventeen stitches were inserted in his head after one of the gunmen hit him over the skull with the barrel of a shotgun, after discharging it at the ceiling. Two female bank tellers, thought to be suffering from shock, have been kept in hospital, under observation, but both are thought to be on the road to recovery…

  Four youths walked free from the dock of Glasgow Sheriff Court after being found not guilty of mobbing and rioting between rival gangs in Baltic Street, on the south-east side of Glasgow, earlier this month. Mr Graham Portoy, the solicitor for the accused, claimed that the charges against his clients were based on prejudice against young people by the police. Mr Portoy claims that his clients have no choice but to hang about street corners as there is nothing for them to do in the evenings. He also stated that if the procurator fiscal’s office invested some of their energy into working with young people, instead of criminalising them, then the benefits to the city would be enormous. Glenda Metcalfe, one of the city’s attractive procurator fiscals, who had pursued the charges against the youths, refused to comment as she left the court this afternoon. Miss Metcalfe
later issued a statement accusing Mr Portoy of manipulating and undermining the justice system, so as to profit off the misery of the countless, silent majority of victims, who Mr Portoy’s past and present clients have been terrorising every week, within communities across the city…

  Four elderly women, all spinsters, were rushed to Gartnavel hospital this morning with food poison, before being transferred to Glasgow’s Royal Infirmary where one of them unfortunately died. The Corporation’s Sanitary Inspector for the north of the city, Elvis Presley, is assisting the police in determining the source of contaminated meat found in the home of one of the women, who all stay up the same tenement closemouth…

  Health Unions have expressed concern at the number of nursing staff in Glasgow, particularly at the city’s Royal Infirmary’s Casualty department, who are regularly being subjected to threats of violence by patients under the influence of drink or drugs. Health Managers say they are treating these incidents seriously and have called on more police presence, particularly at the weekends in…”

  Chapter Seventeen

  “I’ll be sorry to see you go, Jim. You’ve been a most loyal and effective chief officer to me,” The Governor said.

  “Ah thought this wid’ve been ma last move before retiring, so Ah did. Ah’ve only goat eighteen months tae go,” The Chief replied, still clearly mystified by the decision.

  “Well, The Department obviously recognises your experience and what you bring to the job, Jim. Why else send you all the way up to Peterhead in Outer Siberia?”

  “Ah spoke tae Henry Baker oan the phone last night. He said he wis as surprised as anywan when they asked him tae move doon here. He said he wis embarrassed, as he hid tae gie aw the boys at Barlinnie their retirement presents back. Ah jist cannae understaun the suddenness ae the decision. If he’s starting oan Monday, that’ll be less than a week’s notice. It’s unheard ae, so it is.”