I dunno.
Won’t they tell my GP?
I dunno.
I think. And then I realize something. But before I can say it she’s like. I can’t let my mam and dad find out Darren they’d kill me.
I know who we can ask. I go.
She goes. Who?
I goes. Ma.
She rolls her eyes.
But this time I know am right.
Ma knows everything to do with stuff like that coz girls in her business. Girls who go earning. There always having to have abortions and no one ask any questions. She’s always joking that Margy has one a week though I don’t think it’s true. She will be able to tell us where to go and how much it’ll be. And I don’t think she’ll take the piss now coz if there’s one thing she likes its being the hexpert. And on this she’ll think she is the hexpert. She’ll love nothing more than showing off to Smantha that she knows more than her. And she’ll love nothing more than making Smantha feel that she’s messed something up and needs her help.
Oh yes. Ma is gonna love this one. Make no mistake.
It’s Ma’s birthday. Every year we have to do the same thing. Every year we has to go to a wine bar restraunt place on Lark Lane. We go in a taxi and have to let Ma lord it over us as she makes out she’s all well to do even though Rob always says the fella what runs the place is probly someone she knows from the earning. Ma’s always in a good mood on her birthday. And this year she says Smantha can come for the meal an all.
More the merrier. She goes. Like she loves a party.
Woody’s coming to. She goes. Oh Darren your gonna love him. He’s decent. You know he’s decent, he’s really looked out for you.
Even when Rob drops the biggest clanger ever. He has arranged to go and see his Dad on the same night. Not that he says that. He says he’s going skating. Ma laughs it off like is not important. And I know why. She’s so excited Woody’s coming she’s not that arsed about anyone else.
Smantha comes over after school and has brought Ma a book-A of flowers.
Oh aren’t they pretty love. She oohs and ahs. All the time lookin at the clock wondering where Woody is. Darren stick em in some water lad.
So I do.
She runs down to Richie’s Ma’s to use the phone and find out where Woody is.
You ok? Goes Smantha. I nods.
We’ll ask her when she gets back up.
But Ma don’t come back up.
Darren? Smantha? Taxi’s here! She shouts from down the stairs so I lock up.
In the cab she’s like. Woody’s running late. He’s gonna meet us there.
But once we’ve been sat in the restraunt for an hour and Ma won’t let us order is pretty clear he isn’t turning up.
I think Ma is gonna get all moody and mad but she smiles a lot and tells us to choose what we want. Smantha looks at me and I shrug. Ma’s reading the menu. Smantha gives me this look. It’s now or never.
Ma? I go.
Aha? She goes. I might have the duck.
Ma. Smantha’s pregnant.
Ma looks up.
Yjoking!
We both shake our heads. Ma lights up a cigarette. She looks to me.
Is it yours?
Yes. Goes Smantha.
All right love I was only askin. Are yous keepin it?
I shake my head.
Smantha shakes her head.
So I wondrin. I goes. If you knew somewhere Smantha could go.
Ma takes this in, twirling the ciggie in her hand like a majorette with a baton. Nervous.
Only she don’t want her mam and dad and that to know.
Ma takes this in. Then stubs the ciggie out all of a sudden. She takes a swig of her wine.
Smantha burbles on about what she wants to do with her life and how she hates doing this sort of thing but she has no choice. Ma doesn’t look at her once but looks like she is listening. She lets her warble on til she hasn’t got any more words to say. She sits there thinking.
Then goes. Smantha. I don’t know if Darren’s told you. But we’re Catholics.
Since when?
Shut up Darren, we’ve always been Catholics.
Granny was a Catholic but . . .
We are – like that was the end of it – and therefore Smantha I can’t condone what you wanna do.
Right. Goes Smantha, looking at me coz this wasn’t part of the plan.
But don’t worry love. She reaches out her hand and takes Smantha’s in it. Help is at hand.
How jew mean?
I’ll bring it up.
You’ll bring the baby up?
I’ll bring it up as my own. Then you won’t have the shame. Your parents won’t know. And then you can see the baby whenever you want.
Smantha is taking this in now. Silence. The waiter comes to take our orders.
In a minute Manwell love. Goes Ma.
Me name’s Peter. He goes.
And she gives him this look that says fuck off, loud and clear. So he does.
Smantha looks at me. I shrug again.
I need to go the loo. Goes Smantha.
Off she goes.
I look to Ma.
What’s this all about Ma?
I’ll bring the baby up.
But why?
I’m tryina be kind here.
But . . .
Stop saying but, Darren. But nothing. Just remember. You owe me one. You owe me more than one.
Shite. She means that.
So when Fanny for lodgers comes back from the bogs you better convince her. To give that baby to me.
And she looks across the restraunt and shouts for the waiter.
He comes. She orders the duck. Then orders the same for me and Smantha. Like what we actchally want doesn’t come into it. Then just before he goes the kitchen to give in the order she ast him where the nearest payphone is.
I need to phone Woody. She goes. Looks like I’ve got some good news.
48 Round Hey Road
Childwall
Liverpool 16
15 August 1981
Dear Darren,
I’ve thought about nothing else since Frankie first mentioned it on Lark Lane that night and no doubt I’ll think about nothing else in the coming months and years. You know at first I was a bit wary, because I’ve never really seen eye to eye with your mum before. But you were right – I just had to give her a chance.
Whenever I’ve met her since it’s been like meeting a different person. Kind, caring, funny and warm. I’m sorry my first impressions weren’t up to much, but as you say, she has been a bit down lately. And I have to salute her desire to leave her current work and marry this businessman, and when I think of all the opportunities that could bring the baby, well, for the first time since finding out, I now feel positive about this pregnancy and that there is some sort of light at the end of the tunnel.
So this is just to say, on consideration, yes, I would like to go ahead with your mum’s kind offer. I am a bit nervous about my parents noticing the bump as it gets bigger, but Dad is now working in Birmingham and so is away a lot of the time, and Mum has taken extra hours cleaning and quite a bit of it is in the evening, so I am hopeful I will get away with it. Then, as your mum says, we can go to Southampton for the birth and no one will know.
I keep imagining myself at uni. Or in the souk at Morocco. And I get really excited. I’m sure it’ll be really hard to hand over the baby. But as your mum says, it’s for the best for everyone.
I see your mum put some money in my building society account yesterday. Will you tell her thank you – it’ll be a real help.
See you later in the week.
Sammi x
48 Round Hey Road
Childwall
Liverpool 16
1 March 1982
Dear Darren,
Further to our phone conversation last Thursday, I will see you at the coach station on Friday at nine in the morning. Rita spoke to Mum last night and she has bought it, so all is good. Can you tell your mum the lat
est payment is a bit late? Hate to bring it up, but it will just give me peace of mind before going to Southampton. I will check the balance again on Wednesday to be sure.
See you Friday,
Sammi x
SOUTHAMPTON March 1982
Cockney Carol is Ma’s best mate from way back. She’s got a deep voice n sounds like a fella off Minder or The Sweeny. She gabs ten to the dozen and smells of like ciggies n air freshner. Her and Ma were bezzies back in the day when they both worked Hope Street together when Cockney Carol lived in Liverpool. Now she lives in the arse enda nowhere as she calls it. Otherwise known as Southampton. She come down years back when she met a bloke called Smoky Joe and she give up the earning and he treated her like a queen.
Oh yer he treated me like a queen. She goes. One o them what gets behedded or flung in a tower.
Ma says Smoky Joe got his name coz he set fire to people that crossed him. Carol says to take no notice.
It’s every hore’s dream, accordin to Carol. You meet a fella who wants to wisk you away from the earning and cover you in diamonds. An that, she goes, lookin me strait in the eye. Is why I’ve gotta help your old girl. It’s so romantic. Init romantic Darren mate?
Her voice cracks me up. The way she says mate is like – maaaaaaaay.
I shrug.
No it is. She goes. It’s dead romantic.
Now we’re in Southampton I practically live in the pub. Carol’s local is a place called The London. She treats it like her office. She goes in there first thing, necks a brandy, heads off to work. I went with her one day for something to do and coz I was bored in her flat and now I go every day. She heads off to do some earning and then when she is done she comes back and leaves the money with me. She says I’ve got a trustworthy face n no one will suspect me. Suspect me of what I don’t know. Few days after doing this her mate Rita started doing the same thing. And then after a while another one done it too. Now I look after the money for four different girls and they like me keeping an eye on their earnings for the day coz it stops them spending it on shite and if they get attacked or robbed, they haven’t got much on them.
Ma is still going out earning but she stays in a bit to. Don’t think she likes being out of her usual patch and doesn’t no the fellas like she does at home so doesn’t no if she can trust them or not. She don’t give me her money to keep an eye on either. Probly doesn’t feel it would be right and I no what she means.
Carol says the scene is changing. She says in her day working women did the job to put bread on the table but these days it’s all about them getting money to pay for heroin. This is why she and her mates like me looking after there money. She says the younger ones will rob your money to pay for there latest fix so it’s good they don’t carry to much cash on them. She says her and Ma are part of a dying breed. Though Ma says Carol’s livin in a fool’s paradise because she reckons all Carol’s mates are on heroin anyway. I have no idea. Ma’s probly right though.
Carol is always sighing and going on about how many years she’s got left. She reckons blokes don’t want women like her and Ma now coz there too old. Ma says there’s a few women in Liverpool who are still working in there sixties but even she admits they don’t get much attention. I’d never really thought much about the future. But Smantha having the baby has made me think about it more. Everything changes. Ma can’t go on working forever and when I think about it, I can’t go on staying in Ma’s flat forever. This place has opened my eyes to that. Just been in a different place has made my head feel in a different place. I didn’t even want to come here. I wanted to stay in Liverpool and look after Rob but Ma was adamant. Rob has gone to stay with his Dad for a fortnight while we are here. Rob was honest with Ma. He told her he’d met Cameron and he thought she’d go like mad. But she was so hexcited about this baby she wasn’t arsed. Weird or what. Think Ma wanted me here in case Smantha had second thoughts. But I know she won’t.
Smantha hates being pregnant. Any fool can see that. She just sits in Carol’s flat moaning. Everything I say to her gets on her tits. Last night she goes. I wish to God I’d never done this with you.
I just keep out of her way. She’s turning into Ma.
Last night I found her crying in the bathroom. She thought she’d locked the door and I walked in on her and she was sat on the side of the bath with her head in her hands.
Whats the matter? I goes.
Leave me alone. She goes.
I’m sorry about all this. I goes.
I just miss my mum. She goes.
Jew wanna go home?
She laughs at that. And tells me to leave her alone again so I do.
She can’t go home. I know that, she knows that. Her mum thinks she is in Southampton on work experience. Carol has a mate who runs a charity for working women and Carol nicked some paper from the charity and wrote saying Smantha was doing work experience here. Coz Smantha has fed her mother stories saying she wants to be a social worker and coz she managed to square it with her 6 form college nobody thought it was odd when she told them she could stay with relatives of mine. Ma even phoned Smantha’s mum and did her la dee da voice and Smantha’s mum bought it.
But Smantha says there are seven of them and she’s the quietest and brainiest and causes them the least bit of trouble so Smantha’s mum didn’t ask too many questions. The clever ones are always overlooked.
Personly I can’t believe she’s got away with no one realizing she is having a baby. But Ma’s like. No she’s skinny. You can’t tell unless you know. And all them baggy jumpers she wears. Perfect. Thank fuck it’s not summer.
Smantha says she has been wearing baggy jumpers all year. And now she’s in 6 form she has folders instead of exersize books and so she says she’s been carrying them in front of her stomach all year and says no one thinks nothing of it coz its how girls do it in movies in America so no ones none the wiser.
But Smantha is bored. She says she’s fed up of watching Crown Court and Pebble Mill every day. She’s sick of the smell of take away. Ma says she should go for a walk but Smantha says everyone stairs at her.
Ma says I have to keep her spirits up but on my life, all she does is give me daggers and moan about the honk of Chinese from the place downstairs and all she ever does is tell me to shut up so I just get out of her way every day. Anyway it’s not like she’s going anywhere. She can’t go home. Like she says. I’ve come too far to turn back now. And she doesn’t sound particulally happy when she says it.
Carol says she prefers the London coz it’s a gay pub which means the men don’t give her hassle. I’da thought she’d want men to give her hassle. How else does she get paid? I like it in there coz the staff are friendly. They all call me Lucien after the fella in the Liver Birds coz of my accent. And they all don’t believe me when I say am not gay. I’ve stopped saying it now coz they just take the piss and really I’m not arsed what they think. And some days I wonder if ____ made me a bit gay but I don’t think I am. I never enjoyed it. (Talking of being arsed) Not that I enjoy thinking about ____. Still get nervous when I think about him but I can’t help it at the moment as if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t be here now. Ma knows now I write stuff down in the tin and she says am an idiot for doing that in case anyone finds it which is why I keep it hidden at all times. I always know where it is and I always make sure it’s safe. Some days I think about burning the papers but I have no one else to talk to so I don’t want to stop writing. Some times I write nothing and I miss it. Carol calls us Oscar Wild coz I’m always writing. I been reading loadsa books from the libray. Cant get enough of em. Lace was the best. I couldn’t put it down like.
When I go back to Liverpool maybe I will chuck it all away. It’s not like I ever read back what I’ve written. Well I did once. Read a page or two. And I just sound like a sad soft melt.
I am. Am gonna burn it when I get back. Ma’s right.
But then if someone found it. And someone found out what I’d done and they sent us to prison then it’
s only what I deserve.
Maybes I want someone to find it.
Like I said. Too much time to think down here. Time enough to make decisions and good ones I hope but also too much time to dwell on everything I’ve done wrong in my life. Everyone thinks am a mouse. Don’t say boo to a goose.
If only they knew.
Anyways. Enough of this shit.
We’ve been here two weeks now and we’re still waiting.
Am sat in the pub wondering weather to go back to Carol’s – it’s near five o clock and I’ve been here all afternoon drinking orange and lemonades and minding the money when Gina comes in. She’s one of Carol’s mates. She’s all excited and she passes us a piece of paper. It’s been ripped from a pad and on it in biro it from Carol and says – Darren go the wash house over road from flats and get towels from dryer. The baby’s coming.
Gina gives me a little smile and I say something like fuckinell. And off I hurry to the laundrette.
The laundrette is called Sunset Bay. There’s a massive photo on the wall of palm trees and blue skies like you’ve come to paradise to do your bag wash. There’s about a million machines and driers and I look through a load of round windows before I find Carols towels. I open the door and the hot air hits me. I pull out the towels but they’re not quite dry. Mind you, I don’t think Smantha is gonna mind. And anyway. What gets wetter as it dries?
As I pull them from the machine the woman who works there starts yelling at me. Oi leave them. There not yours.
I’m getting them for Carol. I goes.
And she looks a bit gob smacked. And stops. And then goes. Oi. You. Gizza job.
Like that fella on the telly. Yozza Hughes.
Oh well. Makes a change from the fella from the Liver birds. I roll me eyes. Grab the towels and leg it.
Outside the Chinese the woman who works there is sweeping the pavement. She ignores me as I run passed to the entrance to the flats. The lift is still broken so I go up the stairs. I drop one of the towels in a puddle on the landing but pick it up quickly so it’s not to stained. I hammer on Carol’s doors rather than get me keys out coz my hands are so full of towels. Before I even get to the front door I could hear her screaming. I thought they were supposed to be keeping everything quite. Talk about drawing attention to yourself. After a bit Carol answers the door and grabs the towels. She shuts the door in my face. After the door is shut she shouts. This is womens work.
The Girl Who Just Appeared Page 23