I wanna be inside. I wanna be with the women. I wanna help if I can. We’ve waited so long and now it’s happening and it’s like a little bit of history is being made. That’s my baby being born in there but I am not wanted. The papers are full of test tube twins been born and how history has been made but history for me is behind that skuzzy door above a Chinese on a busy shopping street.
I treat myself to a spring roll. But I’m too excited to eat it. I go for a walk and feed it to the seagulls down by the water. I like the water. It reminds me of home. Even though I never go down to it really back there I see it every day and it’s always there in the corner of my eye. Shining like a smash window. There’s always something reflecting off it or that’s how it feels when you walk round by ours. Feel so strange stood out here with nothing to do. I don’t know how this is going to work out. I look at the water and it looks choppy and angry though the seagulls don’t seem to care as they peck at the spring roll I’ve chucked on the floor. Funny how quick excitement can turn into fear.
I don’t know how this is going to work out. That’s all I can think about. I don’t know what is going to happen next. I keep thinking of the baby that is being born back in that flat and it makes me feel sick. I feel faint and hold onto the railings.
I am letting Ma bring up the baby and I know it is wrong. She wants the baby coz she is going to pretend it is Woody’s and she thinks that will keep him. She’s been wearing baggy jumpers and moaning of back ache and Woody’s over the moon or so she says and I just can’t bear it.
But maybe she will change. Maybe it’s the earning that’s made her hard. Maybe with the baby she will become soft and Woody will look after her and it and . . . but there is a massive alarm bell ringing in my head. I know it’s not right. I want to run to a phone box and phone the police or the social and tell them what’s going on and they will come and the baby can be adopted by people that will love it and not use it as a porn and
But I can’t.
Like Ma says.
I owe her.
Big time.
I can’t swim. If I jump in the water now the water will swallow me and I won’t have to worry any more. I grip the railing harder. I don’t even know if I could climb it I feel so weak. I’m not sporty enough to just hop over it. I was crap at PE at school and everyone used to laugh coz I am such a weakling. I’m so pathetic I wouldn’t even be able to get over the railing without falling back or something. I wouldn’t even be able to drown myself properly. Typical. Can’t swim but can’t even drown myself.
If I made that call Smantha would be in the shit. And Ma wouldn’t hold back and she would kill me for what I’d done to her and Woody coz she’d be shown to be a liar. And then that’d be me banged up. And the thought of that puts the fear of God into me.
But then I think. Maybe prison could only be as bad as living with Ma.
I know when she takes the baby back home I will have to move out. I don’t see how I can live there and keep up the lie. But then maybe the baby will need me there to make sure it is ok.
Too many thoughts. Too many thoughts going on in my head. Am I too much of a weakling to end it all and force myself over this railing? Does ending it all mean you’ve got to be a strong person? What does the coward do?
I could do it. It would be so easy. There would be no one about to laugh and take the piss if I fell back off the railings. Even if it took ten minutes to clamber over am sure I could do it. And then all I’d have to do is flop down.
Knowing me I’d probably be unlucky enough to float.
I’m just picturing myself bobbing about on the water. Some tug boat coming to my rescue and me going. Nah am all right. Leave me to drown – when I hears a voice.
You went off with our money you knob.
I look round and Gina’s there.
I realize I’ve ran off from the pub with the girls money.
Think she’s fuming but she’s smiling so I realize she’s not. She says I should go back the pub with her. I look back to the water. It looks too bloody cold anyway. And then push away from the railings and jog over to walk back with her.
I know babies can pop out in seconds or spend ages coming out. Gina says Carol will phone the London when its ok to go back so I stay in there with her and she spends her earnings. I have a couple of pints but I make them last. I don’t wanna be tree sheets to the wind when I go back in case it all kicks off. Smantha might say she wants to keep it and Ma will throw an eppy. I don’t think that will happen but you just never know.
My bladder is about the size of a pea when I’m boozing so I’m forever heading off to the bogs.
On my third time of coming out the bogs I see her.
She’s stood at the bar at first getting something see through. She’s tall. She’s slim. And she’s so so glamruss. She looks right out of place in here. Not saying it’s rough but she looks like something out of a movie. The hair the clothes everything about her says class to me and I can’t take my eyes off her. She takes her drink and goes and sits in a booth. She gets a book out and starts reading.
Gina sees me starin at her when I gets back to the bar.
Jew know her? I go.
She shakes her head.
Wonder what she’s doing here. I go.
Gina laughs. She’s a tranny mate. And I look back.
She’s sat there. Reading. Totally oblivious to everything that’s going on around her.
Barman sees me staring as Gina talks to some mates.
That’s April. He goes.
Does she come in here often? I’ve never seen her before. I goes.
Barman shakes his head. Comes in twice a year. Night before a cruise. Stops at the Pollygon hotel and always comes in here for a couple.
The Pollygon. I’ve seen that. It’s the other side of the station. It’s got a revolving door and is really posh. No wonder she stays there. She couldn’t stay anywhere else if am honest.
I’ve never been through a revolving door.
What’s she like? I go.
Dead friendly. He goes.
Jew think she’d mind if I talked to her?
I had no idea why I said that.
Or maybe I did.
April? No. She might look all hoity toity but she’s all right really.
And so I head over.
I clear my throat and she looks up. Anyone sittin here? I go.
She shakes her head.
Mind if I join you? I go.
She shakes her head again. So I sit down. She puts her hand in her book, keeping the pages open but looks at me.
What’s the matter? I go. Have I got a welly on me head?
She smiles. And goes. You have the most excuisite cheek bones.
And two things hit me.
One. No one had ever said anything nice to me before about the way I look. Not that I blamed them. But having good cheek bones is hardly something to write home about I suppose.
And two. She has a Liverpool accent. Soft. Disappearing. But defo from there.
Are you from Liverpool? I goes.
She smiles. A very long time ago. What’s your name?
Darren.
April.
Then she holds out her hand. I don’t know what to do with it. But coz it all looks so elegant like she’s a bally dancer or summat I take it and hold it to my mouth and kiss it.
Ah. She goes. Old school. I definitely approve.
I ask her where she’s going on her cruise and she tells me somewhere called Santa Reeney. She says I’d love it there as it is divine. Only when she says divine she says it like Dee-viiiine.
She says it’s like an old volcano and the houses and streets are built right up on the top of it. She tells me about the sunsets and the black sand and the white houses and the blue doors and how some of the houses are caves in the side of the rock. And she tells me how there’s loads of stray dogs and she takes the food from the boat and she goes round feeding them of a night and how it brakes her heart that she has to
leave them there and how she’d ship them all over if it wasn’t for the cuaranteen. She says she’s not really goin on a cruise, she’s just going by boat because she has a fear of flying. She tells me about the rosay wine and the salads and how you haven’t had a lamb chop til you’d had one in Santa Reeney. And then she stops. And as if realizing what she’s said a few seconds ago she goes – looking me straight in the eyes – a bit weird. What are you scared of Darren?
And I honestly don’t know what to say. But it’s like she can read my mind. It’s like she can see that an hour before I had been stood at the dockside staring at the sea and thinking I’d be better off in it.
I don’t know. I say.
Are you scared of me? She goes.
No. I say, really quickly, she’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever met on this planet. No course not.
She nods. Like she’s letting it go. And starts talking about Santa Reeney again. And how she wants to live there. She wants to live in a place called . . . I forget where she said it was now but it sounded like she was saying Hiya I think. And she tells me about this place which sounded like Hiya but it wasn’t. About the narrow streets and how you can reach out from your window and almost touch the sun. And how if she doesn’t meet a rich man soon who’ll take her there she is going to jack everything in and move there anyway. And then after a while she probly doesn’t have much more to say about Santa Reeney. And so she stops speaking.
So Darren. She goes. I don’t think you came over here because you want me to take you back to my hotel and make love to me.
That makes me blush.
I didn’t think so. So why did you come over?
Again. I don’t say much. I’m working up to it. She looks like she has all the time in the world. She takes a packet of cigarets from her hanbag. There weird cigarets as it happens because they’re actchally pink. Pink. She puts one in a holder – mother of purl she informs me – and then lights it up. She takes a big drag on it and raises an high brow like she’s waiting.
And so I tell her. I do.
I tell her what I’ve never told a single soul in the whole wide world.
I tell her about Lucy.
THE POLYGON HOTEL SOUTHAMPTON
My dear Darren,
It was so lovely to meet you in the pub this evening. I had only imagined popping in for a quiet drink and a read of my book. I didn’t expect to make a new friend. I sincerely hope this gets to you. I am going to drop it into the London tomorrow and ask the barman to pass it on next time you are in, as I didn’t get any contact details for you as you had to rush off.
What we discussed has stayed with me. I’m sure you understand why. I shan’t mention it here as pieces of paper can fall into the wrong hands. But, Darren, I would love, when you return to Liverpool, to go to the library and read up about a woman called April Ashley. She is an incredible woman, also from Liverpool, who has inspired me a lot in my life. It’s why I took her name. She was born a boy, joined the merchant navy, but later became April and became a world-class model and film star. If you read about her, I am sure you will find her the inspiration I have. And she will be someone to tell your friend Lucy about.
The thing you need to tell Lucy is that she is not alone. She may feel she is; in fact I know she will be. There is a lot of stigma attached to what she will go through and the powers that be are, on the whole, bastards. She may find more tolerance abroad. I did. We are the silent minority, but there are many people like her out there. It’s just that often we cannot be seen. And though the path ahead for her might be difficult, she needs to know that one day there will be light at the end of this arduous tunnel. Eventually the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
I hope that Lucy will always view me as a friend. I enclose my card. She or you can call me anytime. It is a lonely world and we all need friends. One thing she will need to be prepared for are the questions. Where are you from? What sort of childhood did you have? What sort of little girl were you? And yet I am a mystery to many. And so often I feel like the girl who appeared from nowhere, the girl who just showed up. Although, having met me, you will know my ‘girl’ days are long gone.
I will think of you as I sip some rosé wine on the terrace in Oia. I will raise a glass to you and wish you and Lucy every success and happiness in the future. And who knows, one day maybe you will join me there in the sunshine.
All best wishes and love,
Your friend,
April xx
P.S. I really hope you don’t mind me writing. You are a charming, polite person, but I sense an air of fear and confusion about you. You remind me so much of myself at your age. Bet you don’t like me saying that!
P.P.S. Also, Lucy needs to know that there is nothing new about us. People like us have existed throughout history. Maybe also look up the Roman emperor Elagabalus at the library. (I hope you have a good library!)
The baby is perfect. Ma is calling her Ruby after the nurse mate of Carol’s who helped deliver her and coz she was born on a Tuesday.
Smantha has gone back to Liverpool.
We go back tomorrow.
I don’t bother with the tin much at the mo coz I am completely besoted with this baby.
LIVERPOOL June 1982
Ma’s getting married. She’s got the dress and everything. She wants Margy to be bridesmaid and our Robert to be page boy. Am going to hold Ruby who will be flour girl. Not sure what that makes me but living here has really changed. It’s like a different flat. Ma’s dead easy goin. Laughin all the time. All interested in anything I have to say. It’s like she’s white washed the last fifteen years out of history. She isn’t goin for nothing ponsy (her words) like Lady Di wore but something simple and elegant. Says she wants to look as good as she can.
Why not wear a Punch n Judy booth. Goes Marg.
And Ma laughs. Really laughs. Cheeky bitch.
That’s how much Ma’s changed. She’s not been earning for a few weeks now. She says Woody’s not that keen and it gives her more time to get the wedding ready. Her and Marg lie on the sofa all day flickin through magazines about brides and weddings and white dresses going. Oh isn’t that nice Marg. And Marg going. Oh look at that Frankie. And then they go oooh like they’ve seen a dead cute puppy needing a home.
Actchally they both make me feel a bit sick.
Why do women act like this just coz a fella is bein nice to them? I don’t get it. I don’t even think Woody’s that nice. I can’t espress that opinion of course coz if I say anything negative about him what so ever then Ma gives me a sly look and goes. Remember what he did for you. So I keep it shut. It’s times like that when I see the old Ma coming back.
But I can’t help feeling the way I feel about Woody. He comes round here lookin like something out of the 60s with his rainmac with the coller up and his hands in his pockets like a flasher.
Proper little Derk Bogards. Goes Marg. And her and Ma laugh.
Behave yous. Goes Woody. And then he does this like movie star matiney idol pose. And that makes them laugh even more.
Don’t get me wrong he’s a handsome bastard. I can see why Ma likes bein on his arm. I think she thinks she’s like that Nancy in Oliver. The one in the red dress who works in the pub n keeps singin. And Woody’s the big fella with the ugly dog breakin into houses. Mind you. Look what happened to her before the end credits.
And I’m not messin. I did actchally hear her singin along to a record in her room. And I swear to god it was as long as he needs me.
Not that Woody is anything other than nice to me. Always tryina get me to talk. But i get embarast. Ma goes. You gotta be nicer to him. He’s dead nice.
Rob’s spending more n more time at his Dads. Ma’s not even bothered about that. If he’s not here she doesn’t even ask half the time. If am honest she’s not that fussed over Ruby neither. Sept when he’s around. Then she walks round with her wedged on her hip like she’s mother earth and doing everything with one hand and humming songs to her and going. What’s
the matter with you ay Ruby Tuesday? And then she’s bouncing her on her knee and going. Horsey horsey don’t you stop. Does my head in. Rest of the time it’s just muggins here who’s with her.
Smantha doesn’t want to come round. She came round like twice like but each time she would cry before she had to go and now she says she is to busy with her course work and it is probly best for all concerned if she stays away which of course Ma is more than happy about and is all – good riddles to bad rubbish. And of course we cannot mention Smantha’s name or Southampton or Carol or the Chinese or any of it in front of Woody. As far as he is concerned we went on holiday and Ma suddenly give birth. It was all a total surprise. But to be honest wit you he doesn’t seem that arsed. He certainly don’t seem that arsed with Ruby. He pats her head n squeezes her cheeks but thas about it. Ma’s always goin on about how she can see him in Ruby and how she takes after him but it’s in one ear and out the other with Woody. Its clear little Ruby was gonna be the glue that got him stuck to her. Once she’s got his ring on her finger she thinks life will be made. But I worry for little Ruby. Will Ma need her any more?
At first Ma n Woody rowed about where they would live after the wedding. Ma was like. Am moving in with you. He was like. What, you and the kids? Jokin aren’t you. (Thanks Woody. Actchally I was releeved when he said that coz there’s no way I’m living with him and callin him Dad or any of that shit) and she was bangin on about how as a married couple they had to live together. But he didn’t see why that changed things. And she said it changed everything. Now they have a greed that they will live together with Ruby n Rob n I have decided to get a place of my own and Ma will give this flat up. I can’t really see that happening. I don’t know why. It’s just a feelin in me waters.
Rob is not impressed with Ruby. Months back Ma tried to convince him she was up the duff but he was having none of it. He smelt a massive rat. In the end I told him what was goin on. It’s one thing lyin to everyone else, it’s one thing lyin to Woody. But Rob is proper family. Snot fair. He was completely increjulus. Ever since he’s had his nose in the hair about it and wants nothing to do with it. Wouldn’t surprise me if he moves out permanently and went the Wirral. Now the baby’s here he just keeps out the way. And when Woody’s here. Which ammitedly isn’t that much. Rob is a liability. Always bein dead sarcy going – Oh god yeah when Ma is saying Ruby looks like him. And – Yous two could swap heads Ruby.
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