Which makes Ma look at him like she wants to slap him and Woody think our Rob’s not all there.
But of course Ma can’t keep giving him daggers or else the games up so if Woody looks over Ma’s daggers turn to a narrow eye nod like she’s really concentrating on what our Rob is saying. Like he is the prime minister spouting bollocks that we are meant to believe.
Rob then looks at me while there not looking and goes gozzy with his eyes.
Sometimes though he can be dead nice. Ushally when Ma ain’t here mind. Its then I see him. Leanin over the carryin cot. Sayin dead quite. Am not your brother baby. Am your uncle.
Then he blows a fart on her nose and she always does this noise which sounds like a gurgle but I know is a laugh.
Makes me feel weird when I see them doin that. Nice weird. But weird still.
Then other times he’s like. Woody’s far to young for Ma.
I hadn’t even noticed. Maybe is coz he’s built like a brick shit house.
He your toyboy Ma? I go.
And she laughs. Really laughs. Like she really likes the sound of it.
Not seen Richie for ages. I nock for him and ast his Ma if he wants to take the baby out with me. She says he’s not here. She says he’s gone away. I ast where he’s gone and she stutters and says he has gone to stay with her family in Jamaica.
It’s not good for him here. She goes.
Ma doesn’t believe a word of it.
He’s been banged up. Any fool can see that. She goes.
I don’t know what to believe. But if he has why would Richie’s Ma lie about it?
But then I suppose we’ve all got our secrets.
I went and sat on the stairs today. The stairs from Richie’s to ours. With the front door shut its dark as midnight. In the stillness of the hall I thought of all the secrets that this house holds. I look up to our land in. I feel tired. Sometimes secrets can take it out of you. Sometimes they feel like ghosts. Hovering in the air around you. Ghosts of people. Ghosts of ideas. Ghosts of what might have been or what should have been. There’s not one person in this house who don’t have a secret.
I hear a door open at the top of the house. Then a tap. Suddenly the hall is full of light. The switches are timer switches. Thirty seconds later I will be in darkness again. Then I hear slow steps coming down. And a front door slam. It must be Fatty Arbuckle. I want to stay on this stair. It feels all right on this stair. But sooner or later she will be down here. Later probly coz the fat bitch takes so long to walk. But here she will be. Maybe if the light goes out and I squeeze against the wall she won’t see me. She will walk past me like I am a ghost to. And to her we are ghosts probly. Lives goin on around her which she ain’t interested in. Ghosts can be like that can’t they.
I get up. I don’t know why but I don’t go up I go down. I tiptoe into the hall and tuck myself at the far end of the hall. Opposite the front door. She won’t see me here. True to form the light snaps off. I hear her come down. There’s another light switch at the bottom by the door but she doesn’t belt it. She just opens the front door. More light. Fresh air. Salty air. Sound of a car going past. She stands in the open door. A round sillooette. She looks back. I can’t see her face coz it’s in the dark and the light is behind her.
And she just says. Your very strange, ghost child.
Why she call me that? Is it coz I’m a ghost? I look like a ghost? I’m not all there? I’m not really living?
Fat she may be. But daft she ain’t.
Other day Rob calls us into Ma’s bedroom while she’s gone for a run out with Woody. Ruby’s awake in her carryin cot.
Look at that. He goes. And he’s pointin into the carryin cot.
I look in and don’t know what he’s showing me.
She’s got a bruise. On her arm.
He points. She has.
Jew do that?
No. Piss off. Course not. She musta just banged it.
Rob gives me this look. And my stomach does a cart wheel. I know immediately what he’s saying. Coz it looks so wrong. It is obvious it shouldn’t be there. And how does a baby bang her arm coz that baby is either in the cot or with me and I don’t remember her banging her arm unless she banged it with Ma.
She musta banged it with Ma.
Rob rolls his eyes and walks out the room.
My Dad says if she hurts that baby I’ve gotta take it to social services. He says it’s not safe having a baby in here.
Your dad some sort of hexpert is he? Ay?
No but he’s got a brain in his head, knobhead.
Well he doesn’t mind you living here and you haven’t done to badly for yourself.
He hates me living here actchally. And he says the sooner I get out the better. He says what Ma does is child abuse.
Oh behave.
He does. So there.
So where?
Oh shut up Darren.
Ma wouldn’t hit Ruby.
Why not? She hit you. She hit me. Why wouldn’t she?
Coz she’s a baby you knobhead.
Like that’d stopper. She’s hit her Darren laa. And I want no part of this.
And with that he spins round and goes to his room and shuts the door.
Fuckinell. I call after him. Drama queen or what?
Piss off. He shouts through the door.
I love that phrase drama queen now. The lads in the London learned me it.
And the other thing one of them used to say was me thinks the lady dust protest to much.
Which I could say about myself right now.
And I know why.
Am getting all arsey coz I know Robbie is right.
I go to his door and speak into it. Like am sharing a secret with the wood.
Rob. If anything like that ever happens. I’ll take her the social meself.
Hear a noise. Don’t know if it’s a grunt or he’s saying good or what. I go back to the baby. And pull the blanket over her arm so you don’t see the bruise.
I seen April today. She is up in Liverpool visiting her family. Although they get on she doesn’t stay with them as she says they get on each others tits to much if they spend to much time together. So guess where she is staying. The Adelphi. I couldn’t believe it when she told me. She phoned us on Richie’s Ma’s phone and ast me round for afternoon tea. Which is when you drink tea in the afternoon.
I put our Ruby in the pram and wheel her down the hill. I get there a bit early but am to nervous to go in and wait so I hangs around outside by the bus stop. Which is when I see April arrive. I don’t know it is her at first. I just see this dead posh car pulling up outside the hotel, goin up the little hill to the front steps. You can’t see into the car coz the winders are black. A man in a funny coat and a top hat rushes down the steps and opens the car door. Which is when I see our April getting out. I know it’s her immediately. The hair’s the same but she’s wearing sun glasses and she’s got this massive swingy fur coat on. She waits while he pulls some shopping bags out of the boot – and am not talkin Kwik Save here – and then he carries them up the stairs for her.
I look at what am wearing and feel a bit embarast. I have put jeans on to be smart and my really smart Sergio Tacchini top. Its starting to rain and my hair is no dout stickin to my face. Oh well. In for a penny in for a pound.
Afternoon tea isn’t just tea. You have cakes as well and they bring it to you on like a shelf of plates. On each one there is cakes or sarnies. And each sarnie has the crusts cut off it so you can more or less eat the sarnie in one bite. The tea comes in a funny shape silver tea pot and the room. Don’t get me started on the room. It’s no wonder people joke about how expensive it is to stay at this hotel coz the room we had our afternoon tea in was absolutely out of this world. I’ve never seen anything like it, not in real life.
When you look up its like looking up at the sky. The ceiling seems miles away like you’d have to get in a helly copter to go up to touch it. And it’s not a normal ceiling with paint or wallpaper on it.
No woodchip here. No artex. Instead there’s like windows in the ceiling so you can actchally see the sky. And everywhere you look there’s shandyleers and pillars and the room stretches as far as your eye can see.
Me and April sit on lether settees and Ruby sleep in her pram next to us. Maybe April can tell am feeling a bit out of place coz she prattles on about this n that n her holiday n her travels n what she’s been up to. I don’t have to say much at all. Eventchally I tell her I’ve always wanted to come here but never had the reason to.
She smiles and says. Well look on me as your fairy godmother. Speaking of which. Has Lucy ever been out in public?
I shake my head.
Don’t you think it’s time?
I don’t shake my head. Just then the baby starts to cry.
She’s gorgeous. She’s beautiful. And I can’t believe she’s a part of me. I can’t believe I helped to make something so perfect. She’s the best thing I have ever done. She is my biggest achievement. My only achievement. I look into her eyes and I see so much for her. Worlds. Planets. The cosmos. It could all be hers. I want it to be hers. And then I look around the flat. And I don’t know where to start.
48 Round Hey Road
Childwall
Liverpool 16
13 June 1982
Dear Darren,
I am just writing to let you know that I am going to be leaving Liverpool sooner than expected and go on my travels, not because I want to but because my dad ‘s job in the Midlands has worked out and they want him permanently now. He is at the Bourneville factory near Birmingham and a house has finally been laid on for us. He thinks all his Christmases have come at once, but the rest of us aren’t looking forward to moving to Brumland. Anyway, he says it’s a job for life and there aren’t that many of them around so he has to take it. Apparently we will be living in a house that looks like a cottage and is really old. I am not happy about interrupting my sixth-form studies, but they won’t let me stay in Liverpool on my own. You know what they are like.
Please give Ruby a kiss from me. I’m sorry I’ve not been to see her, but it’s probably for the best. I thought I could cope with her growing up just down the road, but actually I can’t. I find it dead hard. So this move is probably best for all of us all round.
I won’t come to say goodbye. I would be too upset and that would then upset her and that’s not right.
I’m sure our paths will cross again sometime in life. And till then I wish you and Ruby all the best.
Take care of her,
Sammi x
It is Lucy’s first time going out. April says I don’t need to bring a thing, she has all bases covered. I get to her hotel sweet and she has everything laid out on the bed. Everything. I can’t believe how kind and genruss she is being. She is right, she is like a fairy god mother.
Ma’s lookin after Ruby. I made sure I ast her in front of Woody so she couldn’t say no. She was like. Of course you can have a night out. Course you can. And of course I’ll have Ruby. God Darren. Like you have to ast!
Then she looked at Woody and was like. We can have a quite night in can’t we Wood?
And he laughed and went. Jokin aren’t yer?
Which is how I got the night off from the baby and how I end up here in a posh massive sweet in the Adelphi.
An hour later and a few glasses of shampayne down and Lucy is set to go. April says she looks so pretty. That’s what she says. So pretty. But she leaves a massive gap between the two words like she is looking at the moaner Lisa. Lucy steps in front of her full lenth mirror and has a little cry. She never knew it was possible to look so beautiful. April says it’s time to go.
Lucy is nervous walkin through the hotel. She thinks everyone will be pointin and starin but they don’t and she realizes it’s much easier to be in front of other people when she’s got April linkin her arm.
Lucy is shaking. April knows but doesn’t say nothing. Just squeezes Lucy tighter to her. And with April at her side, Lucy slowly starts to think like she can take on the world. The lobby of the hotel is busy but no one bats an eye. It’s the same walkin down into town. Some people look but I know there lookin coz April is so stunning. April has booked a table in a place on Bold Street called the Cafe Tabac. She says its cute and bahemian and Lucy’s gonna love it. Lucy does love it. It’s lit by candles which means she thinks people won’t stare so much but the thing Lucy loves more than anything is the walk. Walking around this city she knows so well a whole new person. A whole new experience.
Liberating isn’t it? ast April.
And that is the only word to describe it. Liberating.
It is like an earth quake has ripped the city open. Like the sky has turned orange. The air tastes different. Everything is new. It feels good. Liberation.
It feels less good for Lucy when she has to order her food at the Cafe Tabac because the voice is a give away but April has chose the right place to come coz the fella servin didn’t even bat an eye.
He’s nice isn’t he? Says April as the waiter goes away.
Lucy nods.
April says something about the third person. How Darren has got to stop talking about Lucy in the third person.
Lucy shrugs. Maybe one day.
Baby steps. Goes April.
April tells Lucy all about her life. Childhood to now. It’s like the longest and greatest story ever told. She’s still telling it when there having there puddings. And even though Lucy understands why she is telling her all this – to make her feel better about herself – it’s still really interesting. Lucy tells her she should write a book.
April lives all over coz she married a man from Jordan and he was minted but then he died. He left all his money to her but because of tax she can’t stay in one place to long. Also his kids from a previous marriage didn’t take to kindly to April and think they should have got more money than they did so they are taking her to court and she thinks she may well loose as she is the sort of person she is and no one looks favrably on people like April and Lucy. She says tonight is on her and slips the waiter a roll of notes and her and Lucy head off into the night. It’s dark by the time they come out and April says Lucy is more confident than Darren. And it’s true. Maybe it’s the wine with the meal. Lucy’s never really had wine before, but she’s all confident and giggly as they walk down Bold Street and head down one of the side streets to a club that April wants to take her to.
The club is called Sadie’s Bar Royal. It’s on Wood Street. And a building less like a club or a royal bar you couldn’t imagine. It’s just a door. A big black door. April rings the bell next to the door and waits.
Bit of a come down from the Adelphi. Lucy says.
But before she can reply there’s a noise. A window is opening above them and a narled lookin fella pops his head out and goes. What the fuck do you want?
But then he sees it’s April and he cackles his head off.
He then screams. Lerrem in.
And they hear a bolt going on the inside of the door and it’s opened by some bouncery looking bloke. A smell of noise hit them as music seeps out from upstairs. He hushes them in and Lucy follows April up some stairs. At the top of the stairs – it is like goin into someone’s house – there’s a lad in a booth takin coats who looks pissed off that April and Lucy have come out without them. April takes a right and Lucy follows her into this room. It’s obviously a club coz there’s loud music playin. But the room itself has velvet wallpaper and tartan on the other and paintings hung on like this is someone’s front room. Not very nice paintings neither. Lucy is no artist but even she can tell that a picture of a Spanishy lady and a boy crying are not high art.
I hate that picture. Says April. Don’t they say whenever houses go on fire. It’s always that picture that survives amongst the ruins?
Lucy looks at the ugly crying boy and chuckles. Even though it reminds her of Darren. April gets some drinks. Lucy tries to look around without making it look like she’s looking around n being nosey whe
n that’s exactly what she is trying to do. It has to be said. There’s hardly any women here. Loads of fellas. In another room neon lights sillooette men dancing. Lucy finds it all very exciting. Everyone is gabbing and laughin. A few fellas look over but look away. Just the usual checking to see who’s there probly.
There’s a man in the corner. Lucy doesn’t see him at first. He’s wearing a camel coat which looks daft in June. But he’s handsome. There’s no denying that. And he’s looking at her. He takes a swig of his pint. Dead slow. But doesn’t once take his eyes off Lucy.
Lucy’s heart goes in her mouth. Her stomach does a summer salt. She wants to run but she is literally frozen to the spot. April is chattin away but Lucy doesn’t hear. He keeps on starin.
April senses something’s up. She looks to the man.
You’ve got a fan there.
But Lucy can’t tell her why he’s really starin.
She knows him.
He’s getting up out of his seat. And oh shit. He’s coming over. With every step that he takes Lucy feels herself getting more and more faint. This is the worst thing that could ever have happened. Her first night out and she is found out.
He arrives. Gets his wallet out. And goes to April. I’ll get these April.
Lucy looks to April. She’s just about to pay for the drinks. But she lets Woody pay.
Oh. Thanks darling. She goes. Like the queen.
So who’s your friend?
This is Lucy.
Not seen you before.
She’s new.
Lucy says nothing.
The Girl Who Just Appeared Page 25