May I Have Your Attention Please?

by James Corden

  We shared our first kiss in the car on the way to Natalie’s house. And that night, as we were saying our goodbyes, I turned to Jules and said, ‘You know how you said you were tired of going out and how exhausting it is? Well, I was wondering, would you like to stay in with me on Friday night? I’ll cook and we’ll do nothing. In fact, anytime you want to do nothing, I’d like to be there with you. That nothing could really turn into something.’ We kissed again and it was perfect. And pretty much from that moment on, we’ve been inseparable. She did come over that Friday night and I cooked steak and chips. Still, to this day, Jules says it’s the best steak she’s ever eaten. In fact she thought it was so good she insisted on taking a picture of it so that we could remember quite how incredible the steak was.

  I loved her instantly. London became a different place with her: the sun seemed to shine brighter, people were kinder, the air was lighter. The streets and bars around which I’d wandered at dusk and dawn felt so much calmer now. I felt more relaxed, stronger, happier in my skin. I introduced her to two of my closest friends, Ben and Gabe, who had been, shall we say, slightly worried about choices I’d made with girls in the past, and they immediately loved her. When we went to meet my family, within minutes it felt as if she had always been there. I was In Love. I had been in love before, but never like this. Never a love that felt so free, so honest. There is a wonderful song by Snow Patrol called ‘Give Me Strength’ which sums up what I’m trying to say far better than I ever could. Give it a listen, I promise you’ll enjoy it. It’s impossible not to.

  I felt that Jules allowed me to become the man I’d always wanted to be. A friend of mine told me the other day that Jules completed me, but I don’t even think that’s the half of it. It’s hard to put into words quite how much I love her. Meeting her for the first time felt like the moment I started to find my own way out of the fog, or the forest or the labyrinth, or whatever analogy you’d like to use. She was there, waiting on the other side to make me whole again.

  The only time we’d be apart was when Julia would have to go on trips with work. She went to Haiti and India within the first couple of months after we met, but from the minute she returned we would stay at each other’s houses. We went on our first holiday together to the Maldives and it was the best time of my life. I came back so refreshed and no sooner had I landed than I got a call from Ben and Gabe, who said they had a new idea for something for us to do together.

  When Ben and Gabe have an idea, it’s always exciting. You never know quite when they’re going to come, but when they do they’re always worth listening to. They had two ideas that day. I went to meet them in a café near their offices of their company Fulwell 73, though it turned out it wasn’t just them: Clyde Holcroft, a writer and producer, was there too. Clyde is one of the nicest guys you could ever wish to meet, and at the time he was working as a senior producer for Sport Relief, a BBC telethon that runs alternately with Comic Relief. I sat down and we all ordered coffee, except for Gabe, who ordered iced coffee, despite the fact it was snowing outside.

  After the success of the last Smithy sketch, there had been lots of interest in doing another one for a different charity. In fact, there’d been offers for Smithy to do just about anything. Most of them had been ridiculous: a TV series where Smithy travels round the world and tests lots of beers, endless adverts and – of course – football gaffes DVDs; offers were coming in pretty much every day. It didn’t feel right to take the character away from the show. Ruth and I thought it could potentially cheapen the series to stop making the show but still cash in commercially on that character. I was interested to hear what the boys had come up with, though, as the idea of doing another charity sketch could be fun.

  I could tell they thought they had something big. There was just that feeling in the room. Ben and Clyde both looked at Gabe and smiled. ‘Tell him,’ Ben said.

  Gabe turned to me, took a sip of his iced latte and proceeded to show exactly why he’s known to many as ‘the ideas factory’. ‘Sports Personality of the Year. Smithy wins Coach of the Year,’ he said with a smile. I thought about it for a second. Yes! This could be huge.

  We immediately started talking about different ways we could do it; how he could talk about the changes in sport, say what true sports fans wanted to say themselves. As far as I was concerned, the only glitch was that Sports Personality of the Year was held in a quiet, controllable television studio, so how would we get the impact and the laughs we wanted? It had to be bigger. And then Clyde put me right: no, the studio, that was before – it was actually now held in an arena that would be full of 12,000 people. Ah.

  Logistically, it was going to be a nightmare, but before we could even think about the speech, we had to work out exactly what form the sketch would take. We watched old videos of Sports Personality evenings and realised that, often, before giving the winner his or her award, they would show an edited summary of exactly why they were winning. We figured that this was as good a template as any to copy but, rather than Smithy just winning the award for the speech he’d given the England team, perhaps it would be funnier if he was shown being involved in all aspects of British sport. We immediately set about putting requests in with the biggest names: Jenson Button, Andy Murray, the Manchester United team, Tom Daley, David Beckham and Freddie Flintoff. Not one person we approached said no. All of them gave us their time and bought in to the idea.

  We found time to film with them over the next few months and every single one of them was amazing: receiving a serve from Andy Murray, who is without question one of the warmest and funniest people I’ve had the pleasure to meet; jumping off a high board with Tom Daley – an unforgettable experience, though it’s an odd feeling having your nerves calmed by a fifteen-year-old when you’re both wearing Speedos; the fitness class with Man United – great fun, and Rio Ferdinand once again came through and made sure we got enough players to make it worthwhile. To film with Jenson Button, Ben and I had to fly out to Abu Dhabi. At first, when we got on the plane, we were told we’d have twenty minutes to film in the pit lane; when we landed, that had gone down to fifteen and, by the time we arrived at the racetrack, it was down to ten. The F1 officials were pretty strict about the time as the pit lane had to be opened for the practice laps to start. So we flew for eight hours, filmed for ten minutes and then turned round and had another eight-hour flight back.

  So we’d got a few of the clips with the sportsmen in the bag, but everything was really hinging on the big speech. It is, without question, one of the most nerve-wracking things I’ve ever done. The BBC had been great about granting us access but because Sports Personality is filmed live, we were going to have to shoot our bit just before the actual show happened, when everyone was in their seats. Once the schedule had been finalised, it became clear we had eleven minutes – just eleven minutes! – to shoot what was looking like a ten-minute speech.

  We got to the arena and all day my nerves were all over the place (not helped by the fact I’d been on my friend Jason’s stag do with Gavin and Anthony the night before). I sat in my dressing room and kept running the speech over and over in my head. I had to start the speech at 6.45 p.m. and be finished by 6.56 p.m. and it was made very clear that I couldn’t overrun by even half a minute. As the time ticked down, I called Jules to try and steady myself, then left the dressing room and stood by the stage, taking long, deep, nervous breaths. Then, in what seemed like no time, I was up on stage. As quickly as I could, I explained to the audience what we were doing, how it was for Sports Relief (Sports Relief was shown on TV a few months after this, so the speech wasn’t broadcast live) and how if they felt like clapping, then to clap, and if they felt like standing, then they should stand. I basically asked them to imagine that Smithy had won this award and how amazing that would be. I went to take my seat and suddenly we were off.

  Sue Barker started, then threw to Gary Lineker, who was standing with Sir Steve Redgrave. I, or rather Smithy, was sitting in the auditorium between Joe Ca
lzaghe and Chris Eubank. Joe was great, but I’m not entirely convinced that Chris knew what was going on. I was so nervous and just trying to stay in character, but he kept trying to talk to me, asking me what was wrong. Why I was so nervous? I didn’t have time to explain because in no time Sir Steve was calling Smithy’s name.

  Before, when we’d had our briefing, I’d been given strict instructions not to go near Capello. At this point in time, the BBC were so in awe of him that if he’d wanted to, they’d have let him host the Nine O’Clock News. Gabe and I had other ideas, however, and we decided that, if it felt right, then I had to go in for the hug on the way to the stage. I stood up, gave Chris Eubank a big kiss and strode down the aisle. Everybody was on their feet, applauding, and I was so fired up that I almost missed Capello. But I saw him, grabbed him and did the European double kiss on his cheeks. And then, when I got on stage, I shared another long and tender kiss (my third of the night) with Sue Barker. A few people have since asked me what it was like to kiss Sue Barker and there’s only one answer – exceptional. Mr Barker is one lucky man. The speech went better than I could ever have dreamt and was one of the best experiences I’ve ever had on stage. Something just clicked. I came off and felt elated. Ben gave me a look that told me we had it in the bag, so we decided to enjoy the night and indulge in a few drinks. The plan was just to have a couple of drinks as we had to be up early the next morning to film with Freddie Flintoff in the pedalo.

  Freddie had been at the awards do, so we tracked him down and spent the night drinking together. Out of me, Ben, Gabe and Clyde, Gabe is without question the biggest cricket fan; for him, spending a night drinking with Fred was as good as it got. Gabe is a big presence and can match anyone for a drink and a party. Within the hour, Fred, Gabe and Fred’s brother, Chris, all had horrendous red-wine lips and their speech was starting to slur. Fred was soon looking for the next party. Aware that we needed him fit and sober, we tried to persuade him that it was best to call it a night, so we bundled him into the back of a minibus, jumped in afterwards and told the driver to take us back to our hotels. I was so tired I started falling asleep in the cab but, just as I was slipping off, Freddie and Chris started bundling each other on the back seat. Gabe didn’t need telling twice and, before long, a group of grown men were jumping all over one another in the back of the taxi. It was carnage. We got to our hotel first and, as we got out of the cab, Gabe leant in the door and said, ‘Freddie, I cannot tell you what an honour it’s been to drink with you tonight. It’s been a real dream come true. You’re a legend …’ At that moment, Freddie moved towards Gabe as if he was going to hug him through the window, but instead he reached out a fist and smacked him right on the nose. A full-on punch! Ben and I stood there, open-mouthed, worried about how Gabe might react. He wiped the trickle of blood from his nose and then just burst into fits of laughter. Arms aloft, he shouted, ‘Freddie Flintoff just punched me in the face. This is the best night of my life!’ As the cab pulled away, we were all doubled over laughing. I’ve never felt more fortunate than the times when I’ve been able to work alongside my closest friends. It’s not lost on me how lucky I’ve been to do such things. And the next trip we had planned showed just what a bunch of lucky bastards we were.

  David Beckham had agreed to shoot something for the sketch, but we didn’t know what or where or when. We found out the where was in Milan, the when was in a couple of weeks and we had to come up with a list of possible whats for David and his agent Simon to look at. Now, it’s a tricky one to navigate when someone as big as David Beckham and his people ask you to offer suggestions. How do you play it? We only had an hour to film in his hotel suite so we decided that what we’d do is put a few outlandish suggestions at the top and then, by the time they’d said ‘no’ to a few things, the next batch would seem more realistic. So top of our list we put: share a bed with Smithy watching a film, have a bath together, have Smithy restyling David’s hair and flower arranging. There was no way on earth they’d say ‘yes’ to them, so our next few ideas were: trying on clothes, having a romantic candlelit meal and spring cleaning together – much easier to sell …

  We waited for the response, and an hour later Simon called to say he was happy to do everything we’d asked. (He also said David was looking forward to getting in the bath with me.) We couldn’t believe it. Never in a million years did we think that they would go for all the crazy stuff we’d asked for. A week later we were on the plane to Milan.

  When we got to David’s hotel, Ben sent Simon a text telling him we had arrived and Simon said that he, David and the whole AC Milan team were having dinner in town and that we should come and join them. The team had played that day and the manager had given them the following day off training, which meant the squad could let their beautiful Italian hair down. And boy, were they letting their hair down. We got there and David welcomed us like long-lost friends and made us feel incredibly welcome. I was sitting opposite Paolo Maldini, who, like most of the squad, was drinking neat vodka. A guy called Ricky who took a particular liking to me started pouring me full tumblers of vodka and not letting me stop until I’d downed the whole glass. David told us that it was rare for the whole team to be out together, so this was probably going to turn into a big night. He wasn’t wrong. Ambrosini and the other members of the team seemed intent on getting us really drunk. At one point the rapper Coolio came over and started speaking with a couple of players – I was so drunk I thought I was seeing things.

  David left a bit earlier than us, probably when he saw Gabe dancing on a table with Flamini like they were best friends. By that point I was totally out of it too: I’d fallen asleep in the corner of the room twice and could barely speak. We eventually left out of the back of the bar and were heading home when Simon saw a bar that was open and said, ‘I’ve heard this place is good. Look, I think they’re still open. Let’s have a nightcap.’ We turned, looked, looked again and then fell about laughing – it was the place we’d just left.

  The hotel was a ten-minute walk away, but it took us well over an hour. Thankfully, when we woke the next day, the shoot had been pushed back to the afternoon. If it had still been in the morning, I’d doubt we’d have ever got it done. We’d been told we could only shoot for an hour but, four hours after we started, the cameras were still rolling. David was incredible. He brought so much to the sketch. All of the dialogue in the sketch was improvised and I’ve got to say, his acting really surprised me. It was his idea that we both wear towels on our heads like women. For four hours we could barely keep a straight face. And then, the bath.

  Now, getting in the bath with David Beckham is still up there as one of the most bizarre things I’ve ever done. We were both sitting there, just having a chat about anything and everything, and all the time I was thinking about the times I’d watched England play, how he’d made me jump out of my seat for joy: the free kick against Greece that took us to the Euros, the penalty against Argentina in the World Cup and all the other beautiful footballing moments. And here I was, in my pants, in the bath with him. If I’d moved my foot two inches to the left, it would have been stroking the golden balls of Goldenballs.

  When filming had finished, David asked everyone to join him for dinner at his favourite restaurant in town. Not just us, the cameraman and soundman too. Being around him was a lesson in how to behave professionally and courteously. It made me think of my behaviour over the last couple of years and how being nice is so much easier than being arrogant or trying to be seen as one thing or another. When the sketch went out a few months later at Sports Relief, it was received better than any of us could’ve dared imagine. Ben, Gabe and I stood at the back of the studio at the BBC when they played it live to the audience, and hearing the roars of laughter was something I’ll never forget.

  Remember I said that at the café all those months ago there had been two ideas? Well, the other was just as exciting, and it came from Clyde. The 2010 World Cup was on the horizon and Clyde had been thinking about a TV show t
hat could broadcast live post-match. He had talked to Suzi Aplin, who is one of the greatest producers in the country. She had some serious credentials, having been responsible for shows such as TFI Friday and Friday Night with Jonathan Ross, so we thought we had a good chance at getting something made. I’ve never really considered myself a TV presenter, but it’s something I’ve always enjoyed doing, which is more than enough reason to do it.

  So Ben and I went to the BBC with the idea of James Corden’s World Cup Live, selling it to them on the basis that, although we couldn’t guarantee access to the England team, since we’d worked with them before, we had a good shot at getting it. We told them it would be live, unpredictable, would have big guests and discuss all the big stories that happened at the World Cup. Unfortunately, the BBC turned it down. They liked the idea of the show but thought it would be expensive to make. Plus, they’d already decided they’d do all their post-show stuff from South Africa so they didn’t have a slot for it. We were gutted. We’d been sure they would go for it. Actually, we’d been so confident that we’d set up a meeting with Adrian Bevington, the communications director of the FA, only an hour after our meeting with the BBC, to talk about access to the team.

  We couldn’t back out of the meeting with the FA so we sat in their offices pitching a show we knew wasn’t going to happen. And here’s the irony: they loved it. And as far as access to the players was concerned, they would help us as much as they could. Balls! If anything, the good news from the FA made us more depressed. We had access to film the players, but no TV show to put them on. But, then again, what we also had was an incredible executive producer in Suzi Aplin (I should say here that I love Suzi both professionally and personally, probably more than I should. I’d go so far as to say it’s almost sexual. She is just brilliant at her job), and as Ben and I made our way out of the swanky offices of the FA, dejected and barely talking, Ben stopped and started reading an email on his phone. It was from Suzi and it simply said, ‘I’ve told Peter Fincham at ITV about the show and he wants us to come in and pitch … tomorrow!’