“Abby, I…” Levi shook his head, then reached back and rubbed the back of his neck. “I don’t know where to begin but to say I’m sorry. Yet at the same time, I’m not. I’m glad that sonofa—“He glanced at me before finishing. “—gun, is out of your and the boys lives. Good riddance. It makes me angry just thinkin’ of him in your home, coming in uninvited—“ He huffed, closing his eyes to control his clearly building anger. “I’m sorry he hurt you, Abby, but I’m glad he’s gone. Does that make sense?”
“Yes, I understand completely. I often think the same thing.” I reached across, touching his hand with my own. The contact sent tingles up my arm and gave my body a delicious shiver that I barely suppressed. Levi’s eyes locked with mine as he turned over his hand. With intense slow movements, his warm fingers caressed mine before they interlocked within my own. His thumb traced circles on the back of my hand, and my belly flipped. How could I have such a response to him simply holding my hand… heaven help me if he ever kisses me!
“The legal stuff, what does that all say?” Levi asked quietly as he took his other hand and traced my fingers, causing me to shiver with pleasure.
It took me a moment to collect my thoughts.
“Jack didn’t contest anything, except for the issue of spousal support.”
“Spousal support?” Levi’s dark eyebrows furrowed in confusion.
“Alimony.”
“Ahh, got it. So he didn’t want to pay it?”
“He didn’t want to pay anything, but I didn’t want to fight him because then he might change his mind about custody of the boys…” I let my voice trail off as Levi nodded, understanding.
“So I have a year of spousal support, and then I’ll need to get a job. But the good news is that he didn’t ask for custody or visitation. It’s like he wanted to forget they even existed.” I shook my head, hurting for my two little boys, yet thankful that they were free from the poison of Jack’s actions.
“That’s good to know. Have you thought about what you’d want to do for a job?” Levi asked gently as he continued to trace my fingers.
“I checked the newspaper the other day, wanting to get my ducks in a row. I even polished my resume, so we’ll see.” I nodded.
“Abby, thanks for sharing all of this. It wasn’t easy, I’m sure.” Levi spoke after a moment of silence. The crystal blue of his eyes glowed with sincerity.
“Thank you, too. I’m not the only one who shared tonight.” I shrugged a shoulder and tilted my head.
“True, but yours was a fresher pain, Abby. How are you dealing with that?” Levi released my hand and leaned back. The absence of Levi’s warmth made my skin prickle, and I wrapped my arms around myself.
“I’ve forgiven Jack. It was hard. Part of me still wants to see him crash and burn for what he did to the boys and me. I’d be lying if I didn’t feel a certain satisfaction in knowing he’s unhappy. Yet at the same time, my heart hurts for him because he’s lost, so utterly and completely lost. God has brought me through this fire, and I’m stronger because of it. Where Jack beat me down, God lifted me up and restored me. I’m healing and healed from it because of God’s mercy, His grace actively working in my life. I have hope.”
Levi nodded. “I understand. You don’t really get forgiveness till you have to extend it yourself.”
“That’s an interesting way of putting it, but yeah, you’re right.”
“It’s easy for us to ask God to forgive us, but it’s much harder to forgive someone who’s not even repentant. Yet when we forgive, we are the ones free from its burden, not the other person. We think that holding unforgiveness over their head punishes them. It doesn’t. If they didn’t care about the sin, they sure don’t care about you not forgiving them for it.”
“Yeah, true.” I added with a rueful grin.
“Yet God commands us to forgive, so that we can be free from the burden. It’s part of his love.”
“Well said.” I spoke softly, letting the truth of his words warm me like a fresh blanket from the dryer.
“I’ve had years to work through it, Abby. So that brings me to my next question.” Levi looked down and paused. His demeanor changed, and I grew concerned.
“I asked you how you were in healing from Jack’s betrayal and the damage that it caused because I know how long it can take to get past the anger and hurt, Abby. I don’t want to rush into a relationship, not if you’re not ready. I’ve had time, you haven’t.”
“True. You’re absolutely right, Levi.” I nodded sagely.
The spark in his eye dimmed and was lost completely. He smiled but it was only polite and he nodded before opening up his mouth to say something, but I interrupted. “That doesn’t mean that you’re not meant to be involved in my life, Levi. As much as I’ve prayed over you, me, us even. God has only pushed me toward you, not away. It’s not conventional, I know. I’m sure people will talk when they find out that I’m interested in a man already. But I’m not on anyone’s timetable but God’s. I wasn’t looking, Levi, yet God brought you to me; I’m not going to question him. To answer your question a little clearer, I’m ready, if you are.” I held my breath and watched as Levi’s eyes began to sparkle once again.
“You’re sure?” Levi asked, but his face was breaking into a grin.
“I should probably be asking you the same question.” I smiled back.
“So, um.” Levi hesitated then stood. “Abby? Would you do me the honor of letting me court you, officially?
“Yes.” I nodded with a giant grin at his romantic gesture.
Levi exhaled a sigh of what sounded like relief, and I giggled as he slumped in his chair.
“Was that so bad?” I teased as I moved to get a glass of water.
“Um, you try asking a beautiful woman if you can try to win her hand, and you tell me.” Levi shot back with a flirtatious smirk.
“Hmmm… should I make this hard on you?”
“Oh, Abby, you already are.”
Chapter Fourteen
Levi had been out of town for a few days but had called each night. Each conversation seemed to last longer than the last. As much as I loved being around Levi, it was a great benefit to our relationship to speak over the phone. First, I couldn’t be distracted by his charming grin or twinkling blue eyes, and second, it served as a way of getting to know him even better by talking over thousands of topics I wouldn’t have thought of in person. We discussed theology, places we’d visited, places we wanted to visit, politics, dreams, colors, jokes, and a million other things. Individually, they weren’t important, yet together they made up part of who Levi was and why he was the way he was. The reverse was true for him learning about me. One night, the conversation carried later than usual.
“Abby?”
“Hmm?” I murmured as I snuggled deeper into my covers on my bed. Oh I’m going to pay for this tomorrow but it’s worth it.
“I have to be up in two hours.”
My eyes flew open.
“Why didn’t you tell me? You should have said goodbye hours ago!” I whisper-shouted.
Levi’s chuckle carried over the speaker, and I smiled at the sound.
“Yeah, well, I’d rather have talked with you than slept.”
That was romantic.
“Really?” The hopeless romantic inside warred against the practical mom personality. “But you need your sleep! You could get sick!” I began to worry; it would be my entirely my fault.
“You worry too much, Abby, I’ll be fine. But I do need to go. I don’t want to, but I need to.”
“I’m sorry I kept you up so long…” I murmured into the darkness. Though he told me to not feel guilty, I still did.
“I’ll see you tomorrow, I mean, well today… tonight.”
“I can’t wait.”
“Me either.”
****
True to his word, Levi arrived that evening in time for dinner. After dinner, he began swinging the boys around in the living room while I finished up dish
es. The delightful laughter was music to my ears. Levi was laughing as much as the boys, and for a moment, I allowed myself to pretend that we were a family. That Levi was their dad, my husband, and this was just a normal night at our home. The wistful thoughts ached in my heart. But it wasn’t real, not yet. But, with God’s blessing, someday it would be.
The dishes finished, I walked into the living room to see Levi tickling Chase’s belly and Javan on his back with his arms wrapped around Levi’s neck. All three boys glanced at me with playful grins. Levi extracted himself from Javan’s grip and stood up, pulling Chase with him.
The picture they presented was heart-stopping. Levi holding Chase in his arms with Chase’s little head buried into Levi’s broad chest and Javan hanging onto Levi’s leg with both arms. Was I wrong letting him develop relationships with the boys this early? What if we didn’t work out? They would be devastated. I tried to keep the worry from crossing my features, but Levi’s expression told me I hadn’t succeeded. The moment was so perfect, I didn’t want to ruin it, but the fear was real. Hadn’t we suffered enough? Surely God wouldn’t allow this to be taken from us as well.
“Javan, let’s get you and Chase ready for bed, okay?” Levi’s rich voice carried such a gentle authority. Javan responded immediately, and I followed him and Levi with Chase into their rooms to get them dressed for bed.
After the boys were kissed, prayed with, and tucked in, Levi gently grasped my hand and pulled me into the kitchen. He pulled out a chair at the kitchen table for me and I sat.
“So, Abby, why the worry? What’s on your mind?” Levi asked, not sitting down but leaning against the wall. His expression was guarded, and I wondered if this was him wanting to back away. The insecurity of my past barreled down on me, and my head replayed everything that Jack had said about me, everything wrong. What did I do? I didn’t want to lose Levi, but I wasn’t going to beg him to stay either. He wasn’t bound to us in any way.
With a sad sigh I trudged ahead, choosing to answer his question and see where it led. “Am I…” I started, trying to formulate my words and put my emotions into understandable sentences. “Hearing you guys play, laugh, and giggle. It was so great, Levi. I want that, for me, for them, for you even, but…”
Levi nodded. “Go on.”
“But what if I’m only inviting disaster? Levi, there’s no way you could know if this is what you want.” I gestured to the house and me, pointing to the kids’ rooms. “What if I’m being irresponsible by letting you develop this amazing relationship with Javan and Chase but, in the end, this doesn’t work out? Tonight I saw just how much they stand to lose.” I shook my head. “They’ve already seen one man come and go. I don’t want them to see the pattern repeated. And yet, at the same time, I’m struggling even telling you this because I don’t want you to feel obligated or trapped.”
The expression on his face was unreadable. The breath I took waited in my chest to be released.
“So, you’re concerned because I fit in well with your family, not because I don’t belong at all?” Levi asked softly.
The breath whooshed out of my chest, and I nodded.
“Then, Abby, I understand your concern. It’s valid, and you wouldn’t be a great mom if you didn’t think of those things. But, Abby, unless God moves me, and believe me, at this point, he’d need a crowbar, I’m not going anywhere.”
His blue eyes bore into mine demanding I acknowledge the truth behind his words. I nodded, but the old insecurities flooded my mind once again. What did I have to offer Levi? The answer was simple, nothing. Nothing but my heart, but Jack had taught me how little allure that held. Was it enough? Could I take that step and love Levi? The truth was that I already did love him, that’s why I was so afraid of making a mistake. Could my heart survive if I lost him too?
“Abby? You’re pretty quiet. What’s going on up there?” Levi asked as he walked toward me and bent down, gently tapping the side of my head.
“I am so afraid.” I answered honestly, gazing into his peaceful blue eyes.
“Of what?” His words were spoken softly, and he trailed his callused fingers across my cheek before cupping it in his palm.
“Right now?”
He nodded. The hand once cupping my cheek trailed down my face, and his thumb rubbed my bottom lip. I swallowed hard.
“You.”
The words were whispered as I watched his eyes travel from mine down to my lips.
“Then you have no reason to be afraid.” The words were whispered against my lips as Levi leaned forward and brushed them with a soft kiss.
The kiss was so brief I didn’t have a chance to close my eyes before it was over. Levi leaned back slightly and opened his eyes and gazed into mine.
“Abby?”
“Yes?” I whispered.
“I’m going to kiss you now.” His words were full of quiet confidence.
“I thought you just did?” I said, confused.
Levi grinned, his eyes smoldering with an intensity that left me breathless. “Oh no, Abby, This is a kiss…”
He stood and pulled me up with him. Once again he leaned forward, and this time I closed my eyes, wanting to feel rather than see. With only slightly more pressure than his previous kiss, Levi’s lips met my own. This time, rather than leaving quickly, he remained and slid his soft lips across my own before opening his mouth slightly to tease my lower lip with his tongue. The movements of his mouth working over mine kindled a fire. I burned with an intensity that scared me. Tentatively, I kissed him back, waiting for him to lead. When he gave, I gave, and when he urged me to open my mouth, I welcomed him. His flavor was spicy yet sweet with a hint of cinnamon, entirely unique and distinctly his own. After a moment, he wound his arms around me, and I melted into his embrace. Even through the passion of his kiss I could sense his tight control over his movements, his kiss and I felt safe. The steel-like bands of his arms held me tightly, and I reached around to pull him closer, losing myself in the sensation of his body pressed tightly against mine. Though I wanted more, I knew I was entering dangerous territory. Levi must have sensed the same because his kisses became softer, yet the lingering intensity still remained. If I thought Levi was dangerous to my heart before, that was nothing compared to what I knew now. Levi released his hold slightly, just enough for me to lean back and see his expression. His eyes still smoldered and the blue of his eyes was brightened by the intensity of his gaze.
“Abby?” Levi whispered. The way he spoke my name was reverent.
“Yeah?” I said, lost in the intensity of his eyes.
“I love you, Abby.”
For a moment I was stunned. I hated that the first thing I thought of was ‘why’. It didn’t matter. All that mattered was that he did, and I loved him as well.
“I love you too, Levi.”
The admission made me blush, and I glanced down for a second before returning my gaze to his. His triumphant grin made me smile. One would think he had just been given the world. I couldn’t be worth that to him. Could I?
“Abby, I’m going to leave now, all right?” Levi’s grin turned into a steely resolve.
“All right…”
“Believe me, it’s for the best. Because right now I want to sweep you into your room—“
“I get it, okay, you’re protecting your virtue.” I teased, the euphoria of his love making me blissfully happy.
“Oh no, Abby, I’m protecting yours.” His eyes darkened as he leaned down and seared his love on my heart with a hot kiss. As quickly as he teased me with his lips, he was gone, grabbing his coat and striding to the door with purpose-filled steps.
“I love you, Abby.”
The words hung in the air as he opened the door and walked out, shutting it before I had a chance to respond. With a giggle, I rushed into the night.
“Levi! I love you too!” I called as he strode to his truck. He paused, shook his head, and walked back over to me.
“Honestly, Abby, you’re even more tempting
than before I kissed you, and I didn’t think that was possible.” I laughed as he pinned me against the house and kissed me senseless for a few delicious moments.
“I need to go, now.” He whispered right above my lips.
Feeling mischievous, I pulled the back of his head down and threaded my fingers through his hair. He moaned just before his lips met mine again in a hungry kiss.
“I’m leaving.” He spoke between kisses.
“You said that.”
“Now.” He tried again before pulling my lower lip gently with his teeth.
“Okay.” I breathed, pulling the hair on the back on his head gently.
With a groan he pulled himself away from my embrace.
“You’re trouble.”
“So are you.” I shot back.
“Oh Abby, you have no idea.” His grin was predatory as he backed away slowly and got into his truck. He waved as he pulled out into the evening light.
As his truck drove away, my eye caught a familiar vehicle parked a few houses down. My heart thudded in my chest as I saw Jack’s truck start up and drive away in the opposite direction of Levi. Oh no…
****
The door lock clicked into place, and I slumped against the wall. No, no, no…
Did I call Levi? Jack was gone, if that was Jack, so there wasn’t a threat or anything, but I needed someone who would talk me through it. I rose and walked into my bedroom and picked up the cell phone, dialing Willi’s number.
“Hello?” came a groggy voice. The wall clock said nine-thirty. Surely Willi wasn’t already asleep?
“Willi, are you awake? Are you sick?”
“Nope, just had a miserable day at work and decided to drown my sorrows in mint chip fudge ice cream. I think I’m in a sugar coma.”
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