Men After God's Own Heart

by Dijorn Moss

  Jamal put his head down because his mind had started to replay the night Clay died. “I wish he would’ve hit me instead of that guy. I would’ve taken that butt whupping. I owed him at least that for betraying him.”

  Chantel started to rub Jamal’s back, and with her free hand, she wiped her eyes. Time healed all wounds, but in the few years that had passed since Clay’s death, Jamal could not think about his fallen friend without an ache in his chest that snatched the wind out of him. The memory of Clay getting into a fight after Jamal confessed to having an affair with Chantel remained vivid. An altercation with a drunk knucklehead had led to Clay being murdered. Jamal had both mourned the loss of his best friend and harbored guilt about his death.

  “Jamal, you can’t carry that weight. You made your choice, and so did your friend. You’re right. He could’ve taken it out on you instead of someone else, but you did not kill your friend,” Pastor Brown said.

  Jamal had heard that statement at least a hundred times, but it was hard for him to believe it was true. His actions had started a chain of events that led to the death of his best friend and and left a three-year-old-boy fatherless.

  “What was it about her?” Pastor Brown leaned forward and pointed at Chantel.

  Jamal leaned back in his chair and considered Pastor Brown’s question. No one had ever asked that specific question. “I don’t know. I mean, she was wifey material from the beginning, even in high school. I could tell that she was going to make some guy the happiest man on the planet. She’s fine. She cooks, cleans, and is educated. My best friend was not treating her right. And you know the whole guys’ code. I couldn’t say anything to her, but I kept thinking that I should’ve been her man.”

  “What happened when you told your best friend?”

  “He didn’t take it too well. He got mad, got into a fight, and was later shot and killed. I was the last person that saw him alive. The coldest thing was that he died in a car with his best friend, who had just betrayed him.”

  A tear snuck out of Chantel’s eye. It was still painful to recall the events that had led to Clay’s downfall.

  “You still have a lot of emotions there?” Pastor Brown handed Chantel a tissue from his tissue box on his desk.

  “It’s just that I feel like it’s all my fault, and if I had just cut things off with Clay as soon as I started to get feelings for Jamal, things would’ve been different.”

  “So you don’t regret your feelings for Jamal?” Pastor Brown asked.

  Chantel used the tissue to keep back a stream of tears. “No. Even after all that has happened, I still love Jamal very much, and I don’t want to be with anyone else.”

  “Where does your son, Jamir, fit in all of this?” Pastor Brown bounced his eyes from Chantel to Jamal as he waited for an answer.

  “Jamir is my son. I would be lying if I told you that I don’t sometimes wrestle with the fact that he’s not my biological son, but I love him and I would do anything for him,” Jamal revealed.

  “Listen, nothing you do can change the past or undo what has already been done. You have to trust God and believe that He can restore all things.”

  Both Chantel and Jamal nodded in agreement. The tears receded and left red eyes in their wake. Jamal thought about the life that he wanted: a career, a wife, kids, a house and, above all, a great relationship with his Savior. These dreams at times appeared to be just within reach, and at other times they seemed more elusive than anything else.

  “So what about now? Are you guys doing the right thing and waiting for marriage before you experience the fourth heaven?” Pastor Brown asked.

  Jamal was usually reserved when it came to his sexual desires. He knew that if he was to open up about sex, then there would be a flood that he could not shut off.

  “We were living together as you know, but I moved out right before the men’s retreat,” Jamal confessed.

  Pastor Brown responded to Jamal’s comment with a groan.

  “Pastor, I know it was wrong, but it’s difficult living in this economy. It’s kind of cost-effective for two people who are going to get married to do what’s economically feasible,” Jamal explained.

  “Once again I ask, who are you going to have at the center of your marriage? If you’re going to serve God, then serve God. If you’re going to go by the world and the economy, then there’s no need for us to continue with these sessions.”

  Pastor Brown had given Jamal more than just food for thought. He had Jamal mull over the tough decisions he would have to make as the man of the house. Jamal did not want his stepson to think that he could play house without a spiritual commitment. Those thoughts stuck with Jamal after the session had concluded, and he broached them as he and Chantel walked back to the car.

  “You’re going to be the head of the household, so whatever you think is best, I will roll with it,” Chantel said.

  “What makes you say that?” Jamal opened the car door.

  “I’ve had trust issues, but you’ve always been there and you’ve never given me a reason not to trust you.” Chantel fanned her eyes.

  “Chantel, I’m going to need you to trust God more. I’m human and I’m flawed, but God can give us a great marriage if we work at it.”

  “I agree,” Chantel said as she got into the car.

  Excitement and anxiety clashed within Jamal’s psyche. Strong-willed Chantel would willingly give in and become submissive so that Jamal could be head of household. He felt anxiety because the success of the family now rested on his ability to heed God’s directions. Jamal was not oblivious to the fact that this discussion continued all the way to their destination.

  Jamal climbed in the car, and twenty minutes later they arrived at Clay’s parents’ house to find Clay’s father, Gerald Atkins, standing outside the house with Jamir, who stood beside him with his Elmo backpack on. There was a clear contrast between Jamal’s sun-kissed skin and Jamir’s darker skin. Jamal’s round cheekbones, which enhanced his smile, were quite different from Jamir’s straight cheekbones.

  To this day, Mr. Atkins had not taken the news well that his son was a victim of a foolish love triangle. He ushered Jamir along, and once Jamir reached Jamal’s Honda, Mr. Atkins gave an about-face. He climbed up the short flight of steps that led from his walkway to his front porch and closed the front door behind him, giving every indication that he did not want to be bothered.

  Chapter Twenty-nine

  Chauncey

  Since the dinner at Nicole’s house, Chauncey and Rachel had not only talked over the phone, but had also chatted online on Facebook. Long phone conversations and online chats increased their anticipation of their first date.

  “Two tickets for Just Wright,” Chauncey said.

  The young lady at the box office of the two-dollar movie theater handed him both his tickets and his change. Chauncey did not go to the movies often, because many of the movies that came out lacked substance and were vehicles for filth. Rachel had promised him that this movie was a quality black film and that he wouldn’t have to worry about his salvation being in jeopardy. Chauncey trusted Rachel’s judgment. There was something different about Rachel, and Chauncey couldn’t figure out why he was drawn to her. It was more than the fact that Rachel was a natural beauty with skin as smooth and shiny as rich chocolate.

  “You ready?” Chauncey asked.

  “Ready.” Rachel took Chauncey by the arm, and the whiff he got of her perfume sent a jolt of energy through his veins. “Ooh, popcorn! I got to have popcorn. It would be a sin not to have any popcorn.”

  Chauncey could not resist Rachel’s childish joy as they strolled toward the concession stand, and he bought her a large popcorn and a Diet Coke. They made their way into a small theater, which was empty, and after securing their seats, Chauncey snatched a handful of popcorn and stuffed it in his mouth.

  “Hey!” Rachel protested.

  “Finder’s fee,” Chauncey said with a laugh.

  “I used to love to go to the movi
es,” Rachel said.

  “I don’t!” Chauncey had a sour look on his face.

  “You don’t go out much, do you? When was the last time you’ve been to the movies?”

  “I saw the first Matrix,” Chauncey replied

  “Oh, that was my movie. When homegirl jumped and paused in the air? And Laurence Fishburne was a bad brother.”

  “Yeah, when that movie came out, that was the last time I went to the movies, because I knew that the Antichrist had arrived.”

  “Oh, I can’t wait to hear this. Go ahead. Explain!” Rachel stuffed some popcorn in her mouth.

  “You’ve got Neo pretending to be the Savior, rescuing people from slavery while doing kung fu.”

  “Did Jesus know kung fu?” Rachel asked.

  “Of course He did. He’s the Savior. He knows everything. He just didn’t need to kick anybody in the face to prove it.”

  Rachel burst out into laughter and almost choked on her popcorn when she finished clearing her throat. She placed her hand on top of Chauncey’s, and Chauncey felt the electricity flow from one hand to the other. Just then the previews started.

  “You got to loosen up, Deacon. It’s bad enough you’re in a movie theater dressed like you’re about to go to church.”

  Chauncey gave his beige suit with the orange collared shirt a once-over. He knew he was going to the movies, which was the reason why he didn’t wear a tie. “Let me ask you something?”

  “Shoot!” Rachel said in between bites of popcorn.

  “Why don’t you go to church?” Chauncey asked.

  “It just seems like everybody is having a good time and is being entertained, and it feels like they already got their miracle. I never felt like God cared about me, which isn’t hard, since I’m only one of six billion.”

  “But God does love you, and you’re not insignificant.”

  “But sometimes I wake up and I feel so empty. I mean, I’ve had a lot of people who said they loved me, including God, and sometimes I feel like they’ve abandoned me.”

  “The devil is a liar! You’re uniquely and wonderfully made. There are good people who would treat you with the respect you deserve.”

  “Yeah, but there’s a shortage of good men available, and I figured my best chances were to meet a good churchgoing man.”

  Rachel’s worldly mind-set baffled Chauncey. He gained a new level of understanding about the infamous proverb that urged him not to lean on his own understandings.

  “Do you believe in God?” Chauncey asked.

  “I do. I just don’t think He’s as picky as everyone makes Him out to be.” Rachel stuffed more popcorn in her mouth.

  “There’s is only one God, and He’s a jealous God.”

  “That’s your interpretation. I went to a church where every week they made people go down to the altar and confess their sins. Everything you wore was a sin, and I got filled up with a lot of bad doctrine, to the point where I just stopped going. I figured if I was going to go to hell, I might as well have a little fun.”

  “There’s nothing in hell you want,” Chauncey said.

  “Look, I’ve had a lot of disappointments in my life, and I don’t believe a loving God would allow so much suffering.”

  Chauncey saw a beautiful young woman in front of him who was sweet and caring, but the trials of life had hardened her heart. While normally such statements as Rachel’s would launch Chauncey into full evangelistic mode, he couldn’t muster up the gumption to try and get Rachel saved.

  “God loves you, Rachel, and I know that He desires for you to have a relationship with Him.”

  “You are really sweet, Chauncey. I’m glad that I’m here with you.” Rachel nudged Chauncey with her elbow.

  “So am I,” Chauncey said, and to his surprise, that was not a lie. He did enjoy being in the presence of Rachel.

  They sat in the movie theater, and despite Chauncey’s initial resistance, he actually enjoyed the movie. He loosened up and realized that some movies were pretty good and entertaining, but Rachel’s point of view on God was still disturbing.

  Chapter Thirty

  Jamal

  Chantel laid the plates on top of the dining room table at a frantic pace. “God, we still got the lasagna in the oven, and I still have to get dressed.”

  “Don’t worry. We still have time,” Jamal said.

  “That’s easy for you to say. You men have it easy. It only takes you a minute to get ready.” Chantel started to rub her head, searching her mind for anything that she might have forgotten to do. “This dinner thing was a bad idea.”

  “We’re about to get married in a few short months. It’s important for us to hang out with other married couples.”

  “Then why is Chauncey coming over?”

  “Aren’t you curious to see what Chauncey’s girlfriend looks like?” Chantel shrugged her shoulders, and Jamal walked over and took the silverware that was in her hands. “Go ahead and get ready. I got this.” It was a simple gesture that went a long way. Jamal had learned that the key to a woman’s heart dwelled in being able to do the simple things that made her world easier.

  “Thank you.” Chantel wrapped her arms around Jamal and gave him a kiss. She made her way to the bedroom as Jamal continued to place silverware on the table.

  A half an hour later, Quincy and Karen were the first to arrive. The women congregated in the kitchen, while Quincy and Jamal sat in front of the TV, watching the movie Juice on BET.

  “Have you seen Chauncey’s girl?” Quincy asked.

  “Now, that’s what I’m interested in seeing. Who can stand to date him? I love him, but your boy can be a bit much.”

  “You need to let go of what happened at the men’s retreat,” Quincy said. “You know how Chauncey is. He can be a little judgmental at times, but his heart is in the right place.”

  “I’m trying to, but what I don’t need is any more judgment. I did the right thing. I moved out, and I’m trying to work things out with Chantel before the wedding.”

  Quincy nodded his understanding.

  The doorbell rang, and Jamal knew that it was the moment of truth. Jamal and Quincy got up and made their way to the door. When they opened the door, they saw Chauncey with a Kool-Aid smile on his face and a woman of the same height next to him. The woman had a heart-shaped face and beautiful hazel eyes. Jamal was a little taken aback because he did not expect her to be so pretty, being she was interested in plain old Chauncey.

  “You’re too cute to be with an L-seven like this one,” Quincy said and pointed at Chauncey.

  “Brother Page, stop being a fool and move out of the way,” Chauncey said, shaking his head.

  Quincy moved out of the way and extended his hand like an usher. “All right, now, Deacon. I’ll be darn.”

  Quincy and Jamal exchanged surprised looks before they chuckled to themselves.

  After dinner, the couples decided to play a game. What started out as a friendly game that would provide light exercise turned into an all-out war.

  “Start it over,” Quincy said, out of breath.

  “Come on, Q. That was the tiebreaker,” Jamal said, also out of breath.

  “Baby, just let it go,” Karen said while sitting on the couch next to Chantel. Both women had sweat on their face, and they clung to their bottles of water.

  “Naw, naw, naw. The Page family does not lose. Now, start it over one more time.”

  “Brother Page, maybe we should do something that is more wholesome,” Chauncey suggested. He and Rachel were the only ones that were not out of breath and sweating.

  “Quiet. This doesn’t concern you. Now, let’s go. Bring it!” Quincy insisted.

  Karen and Chantel got up and took their positions next to the men in their lives. Jamal handed everyone a Nintendo Wii remote and cued up the Michael Jackson game. All of a sudden the two couples were engaged in an intense battle over the song “Thriller.”

  Jamal tried to nail every move from the famous song with a perfect score,
and he knew that he and Chantel were in sequence, which was how their marriage should unfold.

  “Lord, have mercy,” Chauncey said as he looked on.

  Chapter Thirty-one

  Chauncey

  After the dinner, Rachel was quiet all the way home. Chauncey tried to figure out what he could have done wrong to offend Rachel, but he drew a blank. He pulled up to Rachel’s home and turned off the car. He noticed that Rachel sat there as if she was unaware of the fact that they were parked outside of her home.

  “Let me ask you something. What was the purpose of dinner tonight?” Rachel asked.

  “I just wanted you to meet my friends.”

  “For what? I’m not saved, so in a minute you will probably dump me.”

  “I didn’t say anything about dumping you.” Chauncey was somewhat excited that Rachel was really concerned about the fate of their relationship.

  “So you’re willing to keep dating me even if I don’t get saved?” Rachel rolled her neck.

  “No. Don’t get me wrong. I want you to get saved, but that was not the point of the evening.”

  “What was the point? Why can’t we just be how we are? Having me meet your friends was not fair.” Rachel leaned her head against the window in frustration.

  “You didn’t have a great time?” Chauncey asked.

  “I had a great time. I really like your friends, and I want to spend more time with them. But if I’m not saved, then what’s the point?”

  “There is a point. I think we have something special, and I don’t want it to end,” Chauncey replied.

  Rachel’s eyes grew large, as if she had just won the lottery. “You don’t even know me. We’ve dated only for a few weeks.”

  “That’s why it’s so frustrating. It’s that I don’t really know you, but I know that I would trade in everything but my salvation for you, a woman who makes me feel like you do inside.”