Price of love

by Rachel Lindsay

  ' As soon as we're married.'

  She frowned, wondering why he had to wait a month before beginning work, Questions trembled on her lips, but she had the sense not to ask them.

  ' Ever been to a race track?' he asked unexpectedly.

  ' Cars or horses?'

  'Cars.'

  She-shook her head. 'I'm not interested.'

  'Not even if I were competing?'

  Carefully she put a glass on the draining-board. 'Isn 't that a hypothetical question? I thought your racing days were over.'

  His answer was so long coming that she glanced at him

  'They are over, aren't they, Jason?'

  'Almost.' His expression was bland. 'I'm racing at Le Mans this weekend. I was hoping you'd come over with me.'

  Anger got the better of caution. 'Must you go? I thought you were giving it up.'

  ' This is my last one.

  'That's what an alcoholic says I'

  ' What's the matter with you, Paula? Why are you in such a temper?'

  ' Don't you know,? Haven't you any understandinir of how I feel?'

  'It's only one race.'

  ' Long enough for you to get killed.'

  'Is that what you're ... Oh, darling I' He came across to her. 'I'd pull out if I could, but it would mean letting too many people down.'

  She recognized the truth of his argument and was annoyed that he could put her in 4he wrong so easily. Strange how their quarrels always ended with her on the losing side. ' As long as you don't race any more,' she said quietly. ' There'll be lots of problems in our life, Jason. Don't add to them by having me worry myself sick over you.'

  Don't worry, darling. This race is my last.' Seeing the tenderness on his face she knew the best way to make her point with him was to be feminine and gentle. Like most men, aggression aroused aggression. It was something she would have to remember.

  The knowledge that she would have to tell Martin she was going to marry Jason was the only cloud on an otherwise cloudless horizon, and next day in the hospital Paula wondered whether to seek Martin out and tel him quickly or wait until the occasion presented itself Though she kept On the lookout for him, she only caugh-a glimpse of him disappearing into a lift. A glance a

  the schedule in the operating theatre told her he would be busy for the next few hours, and she deliberately went late for lunch in the hope of seeing him in the staff canteen. She was dawdling over a second cup of coffee as she waited for him to appear, when one of the waitresses told her a Mr Scott was waiting to see ber in the entrance hall. Not even stopping to powder her nose, she ran across the annex, stopping abruptly as she reached the hall and saw two nurses eyeing Jason with curiosity.

  'Good afternoon, Mr Scott, she said coolly. If you'd like to come into the waiting room . . .'

  Silently he followed her, but the moment they were alone he pulled her into his arms.

  ' Not here,' she cried, struggling free. ' You'll muss up my lipstick.'

  ' Put some more on.'

  'I haven't got my handbag.'

  He let her go and looked at her in mock horror. ' An unprepared woman!'

  'I'll know better next time.' She put her hand on his arm. 'I didn't expect you here today. Is anything wrong?'

  'I have to go to Le Mans tonight. There's some trouble with the car and they've asked me to be there. I know you can't come with me now, Paula, but I'd like you to come for the weekend and watch me race.'

  'I said I didn't want to go.'

  'Just this once,' he pleaded. "Then you'll understand why it had such a fascination for me.'

  She was annoyed that she had not anticipated his making the demand again. A faint memory of something Martin—

  and Jason too—had once said, stirred in her mind. Something about being so immersed in her patients that she never thought of them as people; as she had been too immersed in her work today to think of Jason.

  'I knew you were going to ask me,' she lied, ' and I've arranged for Donald to stand in for me on Sunday. That means I'm free the whole weekend.'

  The look of pleasure on Jason's face was compensation for the knowledge that she would have to bludgeon Donald into giving up his day with Debbie.

  'I'll leave your ticket at the terminal,' he said. 'If you let me know what time you're arriving, I'll meet you at the airport.' 'It - would be safer if I came straight to your hotel.' ' Very well.' He kissed her swiftly on the mouth. 'I don't care what time you arrive as long as you do arrive.'

  He opened the door for her. ' Good afternoon. Dr MacKinnon I'

  ' Good afternoon, Mr Scott.' Keeping her face expressionless, she walked into the ball, turning to blow him a surreptitious kiss before rounding the comer. Two days alone with Jason I It was an exhilarating thought. What a pity she had not taken up his offer of a special licence. The thought made her blush, causing Martin to remark on her colour as she turned a corner and bumped into him.

  'Running a temperature, or just running?' he laughed.

  ' Just running.' At the thought of what she had to tell him, her happiness ebbed. 'I was hoping to see you in the canteen at lunchtime,' she said. 'I wanted to talk to yon.' '

  Anything particular?'

  'I wanted to tell you that—that'

  At her obvious discomfiture the warmth died from his eyes, replaced by a bleakness that hardened him. 'Jason Scott's come back into your life.'It was a statement, and she nodded. ' Good heavens, Paula, are you out of your mind? How can you let him wreck your life like this?'

  ' He won't wreck it. His ideas may be different from yours, but'

  'I thought they were different from yours too. Or do you intend to give up medicine and follow him from one race track to the othe»?'

  ' He's going back to work for his father,' she said quietly, '

  and I'm going to many him.'

  'I wonder which will last the longest,' Martin said harshly. ' His job or your marriage I' Before she could reply he pushed past her and strode away.

  Paula remained where she was, wishing her love for one man had not caused another to hate her. Yet hate was the wrong word to describe Martin's feeling for what she had done. Disgust would be more correct. It was a sobering thought and one which she could not easily dismiss, and it remained with her for the rest of the week, fading gradually but none the less there.

  On Tnursday night she washed and set her hair and decided on what clothes to pack. Most of her things seemed too prosaic for a weekend at Le Mans and she was glad she would have no opportunity to do any shopping on Friday, for fear she might spend too much. Not that money would be a problem once she was married to Jason. Indeed, the only problem was knowing there would be too much of it! Luxury was something to which she was unaccustomed, and she could not see herself adopting Debbie's nonchalant attitude towards it. The thought of how different her life was

  oing to be from anything she had anticipated reminded er to call her mother and tell her the news. At least let one female of the MacKinnon clan enjoy the knowledge of the wealth soon to be hers! She mulled over the many things she would be able to do for her mother, anticipating the happiness that giving money to another person could bring with it.

  ' Jason Scott?'ner mother's voice echoed on the telephone a few moments later, as Paula told her of her impending marriage. ' Are you sure, darling?'

  ' Positive. I love him.'

  'You need to, from what I've heard.'

  ' Don't judge him by the gossip columns. Wait till you meet him for yourself. I'll bring him up to see you as soon as I can.'

  ' How do you think he'll fit into the boarding house— I can't pretend to be different from what I am.'

  ' You won't need to, darling." As she replaced the receiver, Paula smiled. There were many sides to Jason she did not know, yet instinctively she knew snobbishness was not one of his characteristics.

  As usual, Friday was a hectic day, made the more so by the unexpected absence of Alan Davies with 'fiu. _' There's a lot to be said for a big, impersonal
hospital,'

  Donald grumbled when they were finally able to stop for coffee and sandwiches late in the afternoon. 4 You'll be mad if you stay here after you're married.'

  I'm not likely to be married if I don't push off soon I'

  Paula began to undo her jacket. 'I've got to be at Manchester airport in an hour.

  ' You'll never make it'

  ' Dr MacKinnon I' A nurse put her head around the door. 'I wonder if you could spare a moment to see Tommy Cummings, the little boy in Children's.'

  'What's up?'

  'He's been asking for you all day. Sister didn't want to bother you, but'

  'Is Tommy worse?'

  The nurse nodded. ' Mr Edgar's with him now. deciding whether or not to operate.'

  Paula was halfway up the stairs before the nurse had finished speaking. How could she have forgotten to see Tommy today? Anger at her thoughtlessness increased as she entered the ward and saw the curtains drawn around his bed and Martin's shadow through them. Quickly she went into Sister's office to wait.

  ' So you did come.' Sister put down the notes she was reading. 'I'm glad.'

  'I didn't know Tommy had had a relapse.'

  'It took us all by surprise,' Sister admitted.

  'What time is Mr Edgar operating?'

  'We won't know until he comes out.'

  Paula leaned against the wall and folded her arms. Her wristwatch came within focus and she realized that if she didn't leave the hospital soon she would never make the plane. Ten minutes passed before Martin came in. He nodded to her impersonally and then spoke to Sister.

  'I'll have to operate. It's his only chance.'

  'When?' Sister asked.

  First thing in the morning. A few hours won't make any difference to him, but they will to me. I'm too tired now.

  'I'll notify the theatre.' Sister picked up the telephone and Paula supped out and went to see Tommy.

  Twenty-four hours had wrought a heartbreaking change in him. The thin body seemed suddenly emaciated and the blueness of the rosebud mouth frightened her. ' You're a fine one' she chided. 'I bear you've been making a nuisance of yourself asking for

  me.'

  ' You didn't come and see me today.

  ''Ias busy. But I was thinking of you.' She leaned over and kissed him. 'You've just seen Mr Edgar, haven't you?'.

  ' Yea. He's operationing me.' The over-bright eyes filled with tears. 'I don't want to be operationed.'

  'It will make you better. There's nothing to be afraid of. Tommy. Nurse will give you a pill to help you sleep, and when you wake up again it'll all be over.' All be over ... the words echoed in the back of her mind and she trembled with foreboding.

  'Will you sit with me?"

  ' For as long as I can. But it will soon be time for you to sleep.'

  'I want you to stay.' His face puckered. You promised you would, if Mr Edgar operationed me.'

  'I'm going home to see my mother,' she said quickly, and then could have kicked herself as she remembered Tommy came from an orphanage.

  'I want you to stay with me." He began to cry, the sobs seeming too strong for his frail body. ' Don't leave me - . you promised!'

  She knelt on the floor beside him, bringing her face level with his. ' Don't cry. Tommy. You'll make yourself hot and uncomfortable.' But the tears continued to flow, blotching the skin and causing sweat to stand out on the round, childish forehead. ' Tommy, please don't cry any more.'

  'Stay with me,'he sobbed. 'You promised!' His hands clutched at her as his words were clutching at her heart. She had never envisaged that a promise, unthinkingly given, could now be reiterated to crucify her. If she kept ner word to Tommy and stayed for the operation, she would have to break her word to Jason. Already she was too late to catch the plane she was booked on, and even if she left now she would not reach Le Mans until midnight. As her thoughts raced ahead she held Tommy against her, crooning against the damp, blond hair—as blond as Jason's own. It brought to mind the vigil she had spent at Jason's bedside, and her fear at what he would say if she did not see him this weekend began to ebb. Surely he would understand when she told him that someone else needed her; a little boy of four ... ' Hush now. Tommy. I'm going to stay with you the whole time. But only if you stop crying.'

  There were a few more gulps and sniffles, then, like a ray of sunshine, a trembling smile. ' You're my mummy,' he said, and snuggled against her breast.

  Paula did not leave Tommy until the sleeping pill he had been given did its work, and as she came out of the ward Martin appeared by Sister's door.

  'Paula! What are you still doing here? I thought you were going away.'

  'Who told you?'

  'The grapevine.'

  ' Then it's not up-to-date. I've cancelled it. I promised Tommy that if he had an operation I'd stay with him.'

  ' Scott won't take his let-down very happily.'

  Loyalty to Jason kept her silent, but the silence spoke for her, and Martin put out a hand towards her then dropped it at once. 'I've one more patient to see up here, but if you'd like to have coffee with me later

  She nodded and waited until he had walked away before hurrying down to the public telephone in the lobby to put in a call to Jason. Only here could she be certain of not being overheard, and enclosed in the glass-walled booth she waited anxiously for his voice.

  'Paula! Where are you speaking from?' At last he came on the line. 'If you're at the airport I'll come out and collect you.'

  'No—I'm at Marsden.' The words rumbled one over the other. 'I'm still here—I haven't left.'

  ' Marsden? Then you've missed the last plane.'

  'There's an emergency operation on a little boy . . .' As concisely as she could she told him of Tommy and the promise she had unthinkingly made him.

  'What about your promise to me?' he said as she finished.

  'I know, darling, but Tommy's only four years old and he's frightened. I can't Jet him down.'

  ' You're letting me down.'

  'Can't you understand?' she said tiredly.

  'Is the boy dying?'

  ' No, but he's dangerously ill.'

  ' Will your staying make any difference to the operation?'

  ' No, but'

  ' Then I want you to come here. This is my last race and you promised to watch it.'

  'I can't cornel'

  ' You mean you won't.' His voice was harsh. ' Don't make me go into this race feeling bitter. If I do, it will be dangerous.'

  'Don't say that t'

  'It's true.'

  'Only if you want it to be.' Anger such as she had never known overwhelmed her. 'You're trying to frighten me, Jason. It won't work I That kind of blackmail is criminal or childish.'

  ' Have it the way you like. But if you don't want me, there are plenty who do.'

  The banging of the receiver resounded in her ear and numbly she replaced the telephone.

  Knowing she had done the right thing did little to sustain Paula through the bleak weekend, and only Tommy's innocent, unlimited trust prevented her from breaking down completely. Better for there never to have been a reconciliation with Jason than for it to have ended in this bitter, hurtful way. A dozen times she told herself that the conflict had been unavoidable, and a dozen times she found herself wondering whether, if it

  had come later, Jason might have been sufficiently sure of her love to have reacted with understanding instead of temper.

  ' You've still got your air ticket,' Debbie said, cornering her in the corridor outside the children's ward late on Saturday evening. 'Why don't you fly out first thing tomorrow ? You'd be there before the race ended.'

  ' Jason wouldn't even speak to me.'

  ' Don't be silly. He loves you.'

  'He's got a great way of showing it'

  'Oh. Paula, don't you understand?' Debbie caught her arm. ' He's frightened of you. He knows all the doubts you have about him and he's scared you'll change your mind about marrying him. That's why he acted the way he did over To
mmy. Look, I know my brother and I'll bet you anything he's lacking himself now.'

  ' He could phone me,' Paula said pointedly.

  Debbie's look was long and appraising. ' Do you want him to crawl to you all the time? Ever since he's known you he's been the one to make the running. Why don't you forget the rights and wrongs for a change and just fly out there and be with him?'

  A weight seemed to lift from Paula's mind and she was suddenly so happy she could have danced with joy. ' Ob. Debbie, you're right. You're right! I'll go first thing in the morning.'

  Paula's intention to leave early on Sunday was thwarted by the discovery that there were no direct flights from Manchester. However, the booking clerk promised to see if he could get her on a plane making a stopover, and she gave him the hospital number, notified the switchboard she would be in the doctors' common room, and then went through to wait.

  The television set was on and a few doctors were watching it. '. . . and now,' a voice was announcing, 'over to Le Mans where earlier today . . .' Paula leaned forward expectantly as montage views appeared of the crowds, the pits and groups of helmeted drivers and their grease-stained mechanics. The voice droned on, interviewing one driver after the other until

  suddenly, without warning, Jason's face flashed on the screen.

  '. . . One of the most popular private entrants this year,'

  the commentator was saying, 'Is that highly professional non-professional, Jason Scott. When I spoke to him at his hotel this morning he told me he had never felt better, despite the motor accident which has kept him out of racing during the early part of this season. However he refused to comment on the rumour that he may soon be giving up the sport entirely, although I believe it may have something to do with the pretty young socialite who is with him here as his guest. But as I say—Mr Scott himself would make no comment.'

  Paula stood up, hoping desperately that her feet would take her to the door. Dazedly she moved, jerking to a stop as one of the doctors called her name.

  ' Telephone,' he said, holding up the receiver. Paula took it and listened to the anonymous voice saying they could offer her a seat on a plane that would get her to Le Mans at noon the following day. 'I'm sorry,' she said quietly, 'It's too late.' She put the telephone down. Twentyfour hours too late. She turned and walked out, not knowing or caring about the surprised looks that followed ber silent departure.