Price of love

by Rachel Lindsay

  He stared at her in surprise and then slowly ground the cigarette beneath his heel. Uneasily she sensed the question he did not ask, and her fear grew. It was pointless to deny it. " What's done cannot be undone-. . ."

  'Martin' she said deliberately, ' you've got to know.

  'I'm pregnant'

  There was a long silence. ' So that's it.' His words came out on a sigh. 'I should have guessed.'

  ' How could you? I've hardly got used to the idea myself.'

  ' Does Scott know?'

  She shook her head.

  'You're going to tell him?'

  'Of course.' Paula's voice was sharp—the more so. because of her own uncertainties. ' He has the right to know'

  ' A man who deserts his wife hasn't any rights. You must be mad to think you can use an unwanted child to patch up a broken marriage.'

  ' Not unwanted.' Paula found she was trembling.

  ' You planned it ?' Martin did not hide his incredulity. Paula looked at her hands, remembering the times she had been careless, oblivious to anything except her love and the sudden passion Jason could always arouse in her.

  ' Perhaps I wanted it to happen' she admitted. ' Jason longed for a child'

  ' Then it l'bring him back' Martin said bleakly.

  'I hope so. I love him,' she said as gently as she could, ' and he loves me. Whatever you think'

  'I think your troubles are just starting' he said unkindly.

  ' Don't say that! You'll make me wish I hadn't told you.'

  'You had to tell someone, and since your husband wasn't here' he calmed himself with an effort.

  ' Don't you know he'll never be here when you Deed him?'

  'I never have needed him—that's been the trouble. But I do now, and he won't let me down'

  ' Children don't grow up because they have children of their own,' Martin said sceptically. It makes them more demanding. And when you've had the child, what then? Do you imagine Scott will let you go on working?'

  'If I want to, yes'

  ' He resented your work when it took yon from him; can you imagine how he'll react when he sees it taking you from his child? Face the facts, Paula, Scott's a spoiled young man who's never grown up. If you go back to him now, your marriage will be hell on earth.'

  She stood up. 'I'd rather be in hell with Jason than in heaven with any other man—you included'

  ' Then God help you' he said softly, ' for I can't.'

  Silently Paula re-entered the hospital. By exposing her feelings for Jason she had closed the door for ever on Martin's hope of winning her for himself. She felt curiously defenceless, like a snail deprived of its shell. She did not love Martin, yet she depended on him . . . perhaps depended too much. No wonder Jason had resented it. Well, that was ended; from now on the only man she would rely on was her husband. If the worst came to the worst, she would even give up her work. She could live without being a doctor, but she could not live without Jason.

  For the remainder of the day she moved through the wards like an automaton, day-dreaming of the wonderful moment when she and Jason would be reconciled. All she had to do was lift the receiver and call him . . . But nt that point her mind refused to take her further and it was early evening before she found the strength to abandon fantasy for reality and force herself to tb» nearest telephone.

  The simple act of asking to speak to Jason took so much nerve that for a moment her mind was incapable of absorbing the fact that he had not returned to the villa. '

  Monsieur Jason is in England,' the American-speaking maid told her. ' He left three weeks ago to take charge of the family business . . .'

  Five minutes after she had rung off Paula was still trying to adjust to the knowledge that all these weeks Jason had been in Marsden; only a few miles away yet making no attempt to get in touch with her . . . Not giving herself any more time to think, she dialled the number of Robert Scott's house. Again she was out of luck. Jason was staying there, the housekeeper said, but he was out and not expected back till very late. If the caller would care to leave her name . . . ?

  For a second Paula hesitated. If Jason did not return her call, she would never find the courage to phone him again.

  ' There's no message,' she murmured. 'I'll speak to him tomorrow.'

  Her sleep that night was fitful, punctuated by dreams of Jason refusing to speak to her, shouting, running away ... By the time the alarm clock rang she was already half out of $ie house on her way to the hospital. " I'll have breakfast in the canteen," she decided, " and then call Jason." The thought made her heart beat faster, but a moment later even Jason was forgotten as two

  ambulances screeched past and turned into the drive leading to the Marsden General.

  ' You must be able to scent trouble, Paula,' Donald Blake exclaimed as the red-blanketed stretchers were carried into Casualty. ' You're always on the spot when you're wanted.'

  The casual remark made Paula feel irrationally guilty, and pushing the thought aside she turned her attention to the first patient. 'Is it a car accident?' she asked a staff nurse.

  ' A train crash,' came the reply. ' We've been warned to expect more cases.'

  It was the last chance for conversation anyone had, and it was midday before she and Donald were able to snatch a cup of coffee and a few minutes' rest.

  'There must be easier ways of earning a living' Donald grumbled. ' One day I'm going after a cushy backroom job in research.'

  'I'd forgotten you were interested in research.' Paula was not sure if he was serious.

  'I've been interested in it for quite a long time' he admitted. ' As a matter of fact I m working on a new kind of kidney machine. If it comes off, it'll cut the cost by about seventy per cent'

  ' How marvellous I' All else was forgotten in her enthusiasm. ' How far have yon got?'

  'I'm getting a prototype manufactured now. If we can' abruptly he stopped. 'I'd better not talk about it any more. It's a bit hush-hush,'

  She laughed. ' That sounds very big business 'I can see you as a tycoon already I'

  ' Never I' he said firmly. ' Debbie would hate it.'

  Mention of Debbie brought embarrassed colour to Paula's cheeks. It had been a long time since she had seen her sister-in-law. Normally the girl was always underfoot, but in the month since her return from the villa they had met only once. Obviously Debbie was avoiding her and it was equally obvious that Donald knew it. Never one to beat about the bush, Paula said so, and was rewarded by a look of relief on Donald's face.

  ' As it so happens' he agreed, ' she's so upset about you and Jason, she's afraid to see you in case she lets fly.'

  'I take it that means she sides with her brother.' Paula's tone was dry.

  Donald nodded. ' This time she certainly does. I don't want to offer advice when you haven't asked for it, Paula, but honestly you acted like a prize fool. You know Jason's always been jealous of Martin Edgar. It was crazy to have him in the house.'

  ' Martin's my friend.' She defended her action even now, yet as she said the words she wondered how Jason would react when he learned she was expecting a oaby. Would be believe it to be his, or would he suspect it of being Martin's? The idea was so horrible that she closed her eyes, as though by banishing vision she could banish her thoughts.

  ' What's wrong, Paula? You look awful."

  'I've just remembered I didn't have breakfast.'

  ' That makes two of us. Let's try for the first sitting at lunch. Coming?'

  He caught her arm, but she held back, unsure whether or not to call Jason. Yet if she spoke to him now, with this new fear running through her, she was bound to say the wrong thing. Far better to wait until this afternoon. Some ten minutes later she and Donald were sitting opposite one another, heapedplates in front of them. Paula ate without appetite. The food tasted like straw and it was an effort to force it down. The urge to tell Donald she was planning to call Jason was so strong that it needed a great effort to say nothing. Instead she talked of Debbie. 'I know she's been avo
iding me. I suppose it's because she sides with—with Jason.'

  ' Well, she doesn't think you've acted with much brains.'

  ' She's right.'

  Donald put down his fork and stared at her. ' What does that mean?'

  ' Only that—that' Paula stopped and smiled slightly. 'It's my turn to plead secrecy. I don't want to talk about it yet.'

  ' Okay. Let me know when you do.' He resumed eating.

  'Incidentally, how about coming to the pictures tonight?

  Debbie's gone to a wedding with Jason, so I'm free.'

  ' You mean Jason's not in Marsden?' Paula's spirits dropped, sinking even lower as Donald said that brother and sister had left yesterday to go to a big society wedding in London.

  ' A cousin of theirs,' he went on, ' otherwise Jason wouldn't have gone. He made quite a fuss about having to leave the factory. He really is' He broke off sheepishly. ' Sorry, I didn't mean to mention his name again'

  'It's all right. How—how long are they staying in London?'

  ' Debbie's on duty in the morning. She'll come back by overnight sleeper.'

  ' And Jason?' Paula couldn't'stop herself asking.

  ' Not for several days.'

  'Do you know where he's staying?'

  ' No.' Donald made no effort to hide his surprise. ' What's up, Paula, thinking of a reconciliation?'

  She shrugged, and aware of Donald watching her. Continued with her pretence of eating.

  ' Paula,' he said suddenly, ' do you think Debbie and I have a chance of making our marriage work?'

  'What brought this up? I thought everything was fine between you?'

  'It is. Only you and Jason cracking up has made me wonder whether Debbie and I are'

  ' Forget it,' she said sharply. ' You and Debbie are different.'

  ' How ? Debbie's had the same upbringing as her brother. Neither of them had to wait for anything or work for anything. That's why they've never appreci-i what they've had. The way Jason never appreciated you.'

  ' Because I came too easy for him?' Paula asked.

  'I didn't say that.'

  'But it's what you meant And you're wrong. I didn't come easy tor Jason. I made him fight for me every inch of the way. My mistake was keeping up the fight after we were married. And that's one thing you mustn't do. Don't let pride come between you. Money Js unimportant—

  remember that. If Debbie wants you to enjoy her money, then do so. Take from her, Donald, and don't have false pride.' Abruptly she pushed back her chair and walked out.

  Clarifying the doubts in Donald's mind bad—in some strange way—clarified her own thoughts, and Paula felt like someone on the verge of a great discovery. Nothing

  'changed, yet everything had changed, subtly, like familiar objects seen from a new angle. It was not enough to love a man with your body; real love involved placing your trust in him, and accepting the fact that ove meant inter-dependence. How grudgingly she had accepted his gifts, as if by showing his love Jason was taking something from her! What did it matter that the things he had given—frivolous, unimportant things like clothes and jewellery and furs—had not been the things she wanted from him? It would not have hurt her to have taken these outward symbols of his love if—by accepting them—she had given in exchange the emotional security within which he would have felt safe enough to share "her with her patients.

  Paula checked her regrets abruptly. Looking back was useless. From now on she would only look to the future. And without Jason she had no future. In a few days he would be m Marsden and she would go to

  himthe way in the past he had always come to her—

  exposed, vulnerable, but armed with that arrogant faith in their love which she had been too timid to share. This time there would be no false pride, no more conditions. She wanted him back, and if it meant giving up medicine, she would do so, rather than lose him.

  Serenity came with her decision. Her walk regained its spring, her lips their smile, and so too—ironically, since she might so soon be called on to forfeit it—returned the almost forgotten satisfaction she had once found in her work. It was a tenuous satisfaction, though, dependent on her mood—and that mood dangerously dependent on Jason returning to her. But the mood endured, feeding on hope of a reunion, carrying her forward to the end of the week and the first off-duty time she had looked forward to with pleasure instead of dread since the break-up of her marriage.

  Saturday afternoon found Paula in Manchester, shopping for winter clothes. It was the sort of day the more precious for coming rarely, when even the weather was kind and everything seemed brighter and sharpened with an extra dimension. Loath to return to an early evening in bed, she looked at the amusement column in the local paper and decided to try and get a ticket for a new play having its pre-London try-out.

  But her luck was out. House Full' boards greeted her outside the box office and she pushed her way back through the crowded foyer to the entrance as a distinguished, grey-haired man came in from the street. Their glances met and he gave a murmur of pleasure.

  ' Geneva, this spring at the medical conference,' he laid, seeing her difficulty in placing him.

  'Of course! Dr James Simpson,' she exclaimed, flattered to have been recognized by such an eminent neurologist.

  ' Are you coming to see this play, too?' he asked.

  'I couldn't get a seat.'

  ' That's easily remedied. There are three of us in a box for four.'

  'I'm not dressed for a box' Paula objected.

  He glanced at her lilac and green suit, a present from Jason that she had not worn until today, and smiled. You'll make every other woman look over-dressed. Now come along, or we'll miss the beginning.'

  As Paula entered the box she saw two people already seated there, a plump woman in black and a stoop-shouldered man—the back of whose head was so alarmingly familiar that on seeing it she turned to run. But the door was shut and Dr Simpson was already holding out her chair as the house lights dimmed.

  'I thought you'd be pleased to see Martin Edgar,' he whispered.

  Paula forced a smile as Martin turned to face her. 'Hello,'

  he said. 'This is a surprise I'

  An angry shushing from the next box kept Paula silent, and no more was said until the curtain fell at the first interval.

  ' Do you know each other?' Mrs Simpson asked, glancing from Martin to Paula, as the house lights came on again.

  ' We're both at the Marsden General,' he replied. Mrs Simpson sighed. 'I suppose that means you'll aU talk shop and leave me to talk to myself I'

  'We'd never be so ungallant,' her husband said, his arm resting on her shoulder. ' We'll talk aboutclothes, cooking and children I'

  Mrs Simpson's eyes rested on the wedding ring on Paula's hand. ' Do you have any children, Dr'

  ' MacKinnon,' Martin said quickly.

  ' Scott,' Paula corrected, an edge to her voice. " It's my married name and I feel I should use it.' She looked momentarily at Martin and then back to her hostess. 'I haven't any children yet, but I'm—I hope I will.'

  'Is your husband a doctor too?' Mrs Simpson asked.

  'No.'

  ' That must be difficult for you, I always think a woman doctor has it easier if she marries another doctor.'

  ' Well, I was sensible' her husband averred. 'I married a nurse.'

  ' That was because you knew no one else would put up with you.' The Simpsons smiled at one another with a tenderness that aroused Paula's longing for Jason, and she was glad when the lights dimmed for the second act and she could sit back in her chair and think of the future. When the curtain fell for the second time they all moved into the bar; and while the two men were fetching the drinks Paula looked around her idly. How different her life was from most of the audience here tonight, people in nine-to-five jobs with every weekend free. With something almost akin to resentment she watched the mini-skirted young girls and their elegant escorts and tried to recall her own teens. What had the gimmick been then: beehive hair-do's an
d stiletto heels? She could hardly remember; in any event she had been too busy studying to have time for fashion or boy-friends. All her life she had been too busy, Paula thought, watching Martin and James Simpson turn from the crush around the bar and start back across the room. But from now on it was going to be different. She would take time off for living, for being a proper wife and mother. Her mind busy with plans for the future, her eyes moved from Martin to rest half-seeingly on the broad shoulders and dark blond head of a man on the other side of the room. How like Jason he was, she thought fondly, and watched as the dark blond head turned in her direction and she saw it did not belong to

  some anonymous young man with a vague resemblance to her husband'—but to Jason himself.

  Without being aware of moving, she started towards him, calling his name so joyfully that it reached him through the hubbub around them.

  For an instant he looked startled, then he came forward slowly, like a man in a dream. Only a few feet separated them when he stopped with a jerky movement, and an expression of black anger masked his face. Seeing it, Paula stopped too, and as she did 80 felt something cold and hard pressed against her fingers. Half turning, she saw what Jason had already seen—Martin standing by her side and thrusting a

  lass into her hand with an impatient gesture. Hardly nowing what she was doing, she pushed his hand away so sharply that the liquid slopped over and stained her skirt.

  ' That's nice,' he said in the irritated, proprietorial tone commonly used by husbands and wives against each other.

  'I brave the crush to get you a drink and you spill half of it Here, let me mop you dry before it stains.'

  He began to rub her skirt with his handkerchief and in a fever of impatience she pushed him away, ' No, Martin, leave me bel'

  The desperation in her voice got through to him and with a dawning awareness he looked beyond ber to where Jason stood, swaying a little as if he were clamped to the spot.

  'I see.' Martin made no effort to hide his dislike, a dislike that had been building up in him ever since Jason had come into Paula's life. Deliberately, with a calculated malice she would never have believed possible from him, he placed his arm on her shoulder and kissed her cheek. It was so unexpected that for a split second Paula froze under the shock instead of exhibiting distaste—a split second that was long enough for Jason's face to become a bloodless mask. The next moment he had turned away, and the movement broke the spell and brought Paula back to life. With an almost frenzied