Price of love

by Rachel Lindsay

  ' Don't!' His hands caught her by the shoulders, his face so close that only a breath separated them. 'I know I behaved like a swine when I last saw you, but I had no intention of letting our marriage break up so easily.'

  ' Easily!' She tore his hands away and put the distance of the room between them. ' Do you think our marriage was broken up easily ? Do you know what I've been through in the last couple of months, Jason?'

  ' Yes,' he said, 'I do. Because I've been through it too. Don't look at me like that, Paula. I'm speaking the truth. These weeks have been hell for me. I stayed at the villa with my mother because I felt she needed me and you didn't. Then, when I came back that night and found Edgar here, I'

  ' You misjudged me the way you've always done.'

  'I know,' he said quietly. 'It was partly your fault too, though I don't expect you to understand what I mean.'

  'I understand very well.' There was a look of surprise on his face, and she went on: 'I've done a great deal of thinking about us, Jason, and I realize I was as much to blame as yon were for the failure of our marriage.'

  ' Paula I' He took a step towards her, but she held him off.

  ' No, Jason. Stay where yon are. Because I admit my faults it doesn't mean that—that I think we have a future together. At one time I thought we had, but not any more.'

  'Because of the night at the theatre?'

  'Not even that I was hurt at the time—so hurt that'

  ' That you lost our child. When I think of it I'

  Before she could stop him he was by her side, his hands again on her shoulders. ' Oh, Paula! If we could only turn back the clock. Don't say if s too late.'

  She remained silent, feeling the pressure of his hands and his closeness, and yet not experiencing any emotion; only a blankness, an apathy.

  ' Paula,' he said again, and cupping her head in his bands he looked down into her face. ' The night you promised to marry me I told you I was going to change. Now when I'm asking you to give our marriage a second chance, I can tell you that I have changed. I have my work in the same way that you've got yours. It won t mean that there aren t going to be any problems for us, but it does mean I'll be able to understand much more than I did before. I know the pleasure that work can give you, the satisfaction that comes when you've done something well. I'm not going to pretend there won't be times when I'll feel shut out of your life, but equally there'll be times when you'll feel shut out of mine. And because we'll both be sharing ourselves, we'll both gain more understanding.'

  Slowly he bent his head and rested his cheek on hers. His breath was warm on her skin, as his hands were warm on her body, and the sudden trembling that made him hold her more tightly dissipated the numbness that had held her for so long. Familiar warmth and desire flooded through her like life-giving blood, and with a murmur she twined her arms round his neck and rested her head on his shoulder.

  A long time later, when explanations were over and they lay side by side in bed, she told him of her decision to give up work at the hospital and go into private practice. 4 You don't need to do that for me,' he said.

  'I'm not doing it for you' she murmured, ' but for— for our children'

  His hold tightened, and when he spoke again there was humility in his voice. ' Thank God you've forgiven me.'

  'I had to forgive myself too,' she admitted. 'I was . equally to blame. I didn't realize that there's no such thing as independence in marriage.' She tilted her head in order to see him more clearly. 'I'm dependent on you, Jason—for my life and for my happiness. Being a doctor will give my life greater meaning, but without you by my side there's no meaning in my life at all.'

  There was no need for Jason to reply. Later there would be time for more talk and even greater understanding. Now all that mattered was that they were together, and that together they would face their problems and overcome them.

  ' We paid a big price for our love' he said huskily, and raising himself on his elbow, looked down at her. 'It cost us months of loneliness and a great deal of grief. We must make sure we don't pay any more.'

  ' There'll be no more to pay as long as we're together' she whispered, and pulled him down beside her again. The doctor in her was forgotten, the woman was predominant ; the way it had to be.