Finding My Forever

by Michelle,Shevawn

  Braxton tried to concentrate on the lesson the professor was speaking on. He couldn’t maintain focus as his upcoming trip was occupying most of the space in his brain. There was an exam in the morning he really needed to pass, but at this point, it didn’t seem likely.

  Focus!

  Maybe if he told himself enough, then he could concentrate. He’d have plenty of time to think about what he would do when he made it to L.A. on the plane. When class finally dismissed, Braxton rushed out the door and to his truck. He stopped and picked up some take out and went home. Now he would have to study, and hopefully, he’d be able to pay better attention to his work.

  His books were spread out across his desk and the laptop was fired up. Braxton was having better luck getting into his work. He may be able to pass this test after all. When he couldn’t keep his eyes from crossing, he shut the computer down and put away his books. This was as ready as he was going to be. He laid back across his bed and shut his eyes. The girl, who had stolen his heart when he was a kid still had so much control over him. When you no longer belong to yourself, it’s hard trying to find your way, where you should be, what you should do. It was almost as if he was in a bad movie where the killer keeps coming after the same victim and they make the same fatal mistake every time, never finding an escape. Only he wasn’t a victim of anything other than his love for her and his own inability to find a different course of action. He could see her so clearly in his mind’s eye, as if she was standing right in front of him. Her hair fell in dark locks, just past her shoulders. She had eyes that would not only light up a room, but could also light up your soul. Eyes that were the clearest blue, deep and rich in color, edged with grey flecks, looked inside of Braxton and saw everything he tried to keep hidden. Nothing got past her, except one thing. The one thing Braxton wished she could see, his love for her that was so deep it surpassed the depths of any ocean. And endless love that couldn’t be torn or ripped apart. He wanted nothing more than for her to know and to return that tenfold. Braxton knew there was a possibility that he would lose her forever if he told her and that scared him. He hasn’t known life without her, didn’t want to know life without her. For now, he would keep it bottled up inside of him, not willing to take the chance. He just needed to make sure she was okay. That’s what he kept telling himself.

  Braxton made it to class a little early and slid into his seat. He was ready to get this exam over with so he could go home and recheck everything he packed. Tomorrow he would fly to Los Angeles. He was getting restless when the professor walked into the classroom. Two students were called to the front to pass out the packets for the test. As soon as Braxton had his in hand, he began working. He flew through the questions with confidence and had the exam completed with ten minutes to spare before the end of class. He closed the booklet and sat back in his seat and waited. The seconds ticked by at a slow pace. So slow that he felt as if time had almost stopped making ten minutes feel as if it had been sixty.

  As soon as class dismissed, Braxton had his paper on the desk and he was out the door before anyone else had the chance to move from their seat. He jogged to his truck, threw his bag in the seat beside him and started the ignition. Shifting into reverse, he pushed the gas pedal. The truck lurched backwards, Braxton startled and hit the brakes when he heard a car horn blaring from behind him. Throwing his hand up in an apology, he shifted into drive and took off. Even though he wasn’t leaving until in the morning, he was in a hurry to get home.

  Excitement, nerves, and fear kept Braxton from falling asleep. His eyes were heavy, but his mind was racing. He had checked and re-checked his bag so many times he lost count. He knew he needed sleep but he could only manage to toss and turn. He was more than ready to see Allie and nervous of her reaction to him showing up. His mind conjured up all the different scenarios that could possibly play out, most of them consisted of her being very angry and turning him away. He wasn’t going to let his mind go there, though and so he fought to focus on the outcome he wanted. Allie throwing her arms around him, happy to see him. It was with that thought, that vision in his mind that he was finally able to drift off to sleep.

  ∞ Chapter 5 ∞

  Friday morning had brought with it grey skies and light rain. Braxton sat in the terminal waiting to board his plane to California. He had gone back and forth on whether or not he should tell Allie he was coming. In the end, fear of her telling him not to come won out. Besides, if something was wrong, she obviously hadn’t wanted him to know about it. She’d gone to great lengths to keep him in the dark.

  An announcement sounded overhead to let passengers know boarding would begin soon. Braxton grabbed his carry-on bag and moved closer to the gate. His palms were sweaty, his heart was pounding, and his thoughts were jumbled.

  Would she be upset with him?

  He wasn’t sure why he kept questioning himself because he honestly didn’t care, he needed to know and had to see for himself that she was okay.

  Take off had been delayed twenty minutes and was a little rough. The flight itself was smooth and Braxton could see the clearing skies the further from Alabama they went. By the time he had reached Los Angeles, the sun was shining brightly. He had no trouble getting his rental car, a blue Dodge Charger, and he loved the feel of so much power in his control. Braxton was more of a truck guy, but he had to admit, this ride was nice. He followed the directions his GPS was giving him to his hotel.

  Needing a shower, he figured he’d better head there first before seeing Allie. It was more than likely that he was stalling as his insides had twisted into knots. Fear of rejection, the possibility that Allie would be angry he came, kept him from going straight to her. He knew that was a cop out, maybe even a little childish thinking. He wished the adult in him would take charge, take the reins and do what needed to be done. When it came to Allie, he almost reverted back into that teenage boy that was too frightened to kiss her under the oak tree in her backyard. She had stood, lips puckered and ready during a game of truth or dare, and yet something held him back. The same reason it’s always been he assumed, he knew that would be the be-all end-all, the kiss by which all others would be judged. But more than that, he thought it would mean so much more to him than it would to her. If and when he kissed her, it was going to be because they both felt that undeniable passion, one that forever it engrains itself into your entire being, branding you for life.

  The water felt nice against his skin, washing away all the grimy feeling from traveling. He stood under the water for longer than necessary and finally decided he couldn’t hide out forever. He came here make sure she was okay, and that’s what he intended to do, once he could convince himself. Dried off and dressed, Braxton took a final look in the mirror, picked up the keys from the dresser top, and set off on his quest to find Allie.

  He drove straight to the college campus first. Slowly winding around the streets of the campus, he searched every face for that one familiar one. None of them were her. With each new face another wave of disappointment settled over him. Braxton wasn’t sure where she could be, but it was still early enough out and he knew she could just be off with friends. He continued to drive around until he spotted her dorm. Parking the car, Braxton made himself comfortable in the seat and waited.

  A few hours later, he became restless. Braxton decided to drive around the campus. When he saw no sign of her, he turned out onto the side road leading back to the main road in town. This city was much larger than he was used to, even Tuscaloosa was small compared to here. He managed to get lost a few times but eventually made his way back to the main road. There was no way he’d be able to find her in this sea of people. He turned his car around and drove back toward the campus. As he parked in same spot he had before, he noticed a girl walking towards him, head hung down, her dark hair was hiding her face. His heart rate picked up as he strained to get a good look at her. This could be Allie. A gust of wind blew the hair away from her face and with it the hope Braxton had begun to feel was carri
ed away. It wasn’t her. He sighed heavily, rubbing his hands over his tired face and leaned his head against the steering wheel.

  After another hour or so had passed, there was still no sign of Allie. The growling noises coming from his stomach were begging to be silenced. He didn’t want to leave, though. He didn’t want to chance her coming in and him missing her. He thought maybe if he sent her a text asking how she was, that maybe she would tell him her whereabouts. It was worth a shot, but he wasn’t going to hold his breath. He sent her quick message, started the car, and set out to find something to quiet the rumble in his abdomen.

  The drive-thru of the local hamburger shop was crowded. The line slowly moved forward a few inches, then came to a halt. Braxton wondered where Allie could be. It was getting late now, the sun sank further behind the trees and took the light of day with it. A horn sounded from behind him, snapping Braxton back to reality. He pulled forward and placed his order. Still his thoughts weren’t on the food or anything else for that matter, only her. Checking his phone before pulling forward to the pick-up window, the screen was clear, save the time and date. Nothing. No word from Allie.

  I didn’t come here to give up.

  Braxton paid for his meal, then drove back to campus and parked, once again, in front of Allie’s dorm. He wasn’t exactly sure which room was hers, or if it even faced the parking lot, but he was hopeful he’d find her soon. Finishing his burger, his eyes roamed the area, scanning the faces of each person coming and going from the dorm. The digits on the clock glowed blue and revealed it was now almost eleven. His eyes were heavy and he leaned his head back against the headrest of the seat. He didn’t mean to fall asleep, but when he reopened his eyes it was almost three in the morning. Not sure if he had missed Allie coming home, he wondered if he should wait a little longer or just make his way back to his hotel and to the king size bed that awaited him. He knew he needed sleep so he started the car and drove slowly through town back to his hotel room.

  The bed looked so inviting when he arrived back at his room. He kicked his shoes off, pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it to the floor before crawling onto the bed. He pulled his cell phone out of his pocket that was digging into his hip, set the alarm for six and laid the phone beside him on the bed. It didn’t take long after he closed his eyes for sleep to pull him under.

  The phone’s shrill alarm woke him with a start. Disoriented from only a few hours of sleep, Braxton shook his head trying to shake the loose the spider webs that seemed to have woven around his brain. The sun had not yet begun to rise, but he could see the beginnings of faint light coming from beyond the horizon. Braxton opened his suitcase, pulled out the first shirt and pair of jeans he found and slowly walked to the bathroom. The shower was not very big, but it did the trick. The hot water pelted against his skin, reviving his senses. Dressed and ready to get the day started, he left his room and went to the area in the front of the hotel where breakfast was being served. He didn’t want to waste time but he needed to eat something so he quickly made a bagel, wrapped two pieces of bacon in a napkin and made his way out to his car.

  With the streets mostly clear of traffic, it took only minutes to reach the campus and Allie’s dorm. The sun was just now coming up over the horizon shining a golden hue over the trees and landscape. Braxton admired the sunrise, taking in everything the light was touching. Movement from the right caught his attention. His eyes focused on the familiar locks of brown hair not more than twenty feet in front of him. Although he could see it was a tangled mess, he knew this was Allie. It was like her soul called to his, even if she didn’t realize it or want it to. There was no mistaking her. His blood seemed to be pumping faster in his veins, his heart pounding harder, his breathing a little more heavy, and yet all seemed to stop when Allie turned her head in his direction. He froze, his eyes locked on her. The air stilled inside the car as the seconds ticked by.

  Braxton jumped into action as Allie turned to make her way to the front door of the dorm. He realized she didn’t recognize him. She didn’t even know he was here. Following her, he was about ten paces behind her as she reached for the door.

  “Allie,” he called, and watched as she froze in place, the door halfway open. She turned, her eyes finding his. She looked so tired, disheveled, and completely wore down. She was a mess and Braxton carefully took a step towards her. As he got closer to her, he could tell the normal bright light that always shown from her eyes had all but faded away, vanished, leaving an empty, broken void in its place. This wasn’t his Allie. This was almost a stranger looking back at him.

  “What are you doing here?”

  Her voice was flat, emotionless. It broke Braxton a little more as he looked at the girl he loved, or what was left of her. It scared him to think of all the possibilities of what could have caused this desolate look.

  “I needed to make sure you were okay. You stopped talking to me.” He knew he sounded desperate, maybe a little childish even, but he didn’t care.

  “I’m fine.”

  “You sure don’t look fine.”

  “Well, I am.”

  “Where have you been? What happened to you?

  “For starters, I don’t have to explain anything to you. I owe you nothing. But if you feel you must know, or if it will at least get you back to Alabama, I had a study date with my friend, Katrina. I fell asleep at her house. Satisfied?”

  Braxton felt the invisible slap she delivered as if her hand had actually struck his cheek. His heart felt as if she’d just plunged a knife deep into its center. Shock didn’t begin to cover the emotion he felt, he wasn’t exactly sure what this feeling was, but he didn’t like it. Knowing she had just lied to him hurt. She had told him early on about her roommate, Katrina. He stared at her, trying to formulate an answer, but words failed him. Allie opened the door all the way this time, stepped inside and never looked back. She left Braxton alone, broken, and questioning what had just happened on the walkway. Minutes passed, he didn’t move, he didn’t notice the people coming and going right beside him as he blocked the center of the path. A light tap on his arm snapped him back to the present.

  “You alright?”

  A petite, redhead with the biggest green eyes looked up at him.

  “Yeah, thanks,” he answered as he diverted his eyes away from her and back toward his car.

  Sticking her hand out, “Hi, I’m Katrina.”

  Braxton wondered if this was Allie’s friend. She must have seen their exchange. He took her hand in his, “Braxton. Do you know Allie?” He needed to know if this was the Katrina. If so, maybe she could give him some insight as to what was going on with her.

  “I do. Braxton?” It was as if a light went off in her head and she put the pieces together as to who he was. He nodded his head yes in answer to her question. “What are you doing here?”

  “That’s the same thing Allie asked me. I needed to check on her. I had to know that she was okay.”

  “And what did you find?”

  “A mess. I’m not sure I know who that girl was that just shut me out.”

  “She’s going through a tough time right now. Give her some space, let her get back to herself. I’m sure she’ll come around. I promise I’ll look after her.”

  It was the best he was going to get. Katrina knew what was going on, but wasn’t going to break the code of friendship. She would hold onto to Allie’s secret like her life depended on it. Braxton nodded once, turned around, and walked back to his car. His steps were heavy, carrying the weight of hurt that had been thrown at him by his best friend. He didn’t understand it, he didn’t understand her at the moment, he wasn’t sure he ever would.

  Defeated, he packed his bags, loaded them into his car, and drove mindlessly back to the airport. At the ticket counter, an elderly lady changed his ticket and got him on the next flight back to Alabama.

  ∞ Chapter 6 ∞

  The wind picked up as the rain started to come down. The sun was hidden behind the thick, blui
sh grey clouds. Braxton sat on the edge of his bed, still fully dressed after returning home. It wasn’t lost on him of the similarity of the storm outside and the one raging inside his chest. He had done all he knew to do, short of putting Allie over his shoulder like a modern day cave man and dragging her back. He was still confused by her reaction to him, still lost as to what could have happened that would cause her to turn him away and refuse his help. It had to be a major life changing event, it was already changing his. He wanted to fight for her, but she wasn’t his. He had begun to realize that maybe he wasn’t more to her. It had to be wishful thinking on his part that one day they’d be together the way he had always pictured them. Every dream he had ever had included her. He didn’t want a new dream, he only wanted her.

  It was three weeks until Thanksgiving. Braxton would be going home for a week for the holiday. He didn’t know if Allie planned on coming home or not, but he knew either way, it would be awkward. No one knew of the turmoil he was living in. How would he hide his obvious heart ache from his family, from her family? What if she came home and acted normal, or normal to everyone, but him? These were questions he had no answers for. It seemed like that happened more and more to him lately. Always questions with no answers.

  His class was starting soon, but he decided against going today. He robotically pulled his clothes off, dropping them into the hamper by the bathroom door before starting the shower. He hadn’t slept at all and could feel the effects wearing on his body. Everything ached, everything hurt, but nothing more than his heart.