by Laura Martin
They were too far away to hear what James was saying, but the careless wave of the pistol in West’s hand made all four of them gasp with fear of the sound of the shot that might follow. Instead James took a step towards his friend, and then another, and to Caroline’s surprise he held out his arms, with West collapsing into them.
Her eyes still didn’t leave the pistol in West’s hand, not until she saw James take it from the sobbing man and throw it into the undergrowth a few feet away.
With a glance at Lord Hauxton, who nodded in agreement, they hurried across the Heath, Henrietta and Mr Harcourt trailing behind. When they reached James, West was still sobbing, his head buried in James’s shoulder.
‘I’m so sorry,’ he kept repeating, the words slurring into each other. ‘I’m so sorry.’
James motioned for Harcourt to approach and Caroline strained to hear the soft words he said to the man before handing West over to him, no doubt to make sure he got home safely.
‘What did you say?’ Caroline had waited until West was out of earshot to pose the question, but she couldn’t wait any longer.
James let out a long exhalation and she could see the lines of tension on his face. His demeanour might have been calm, but she could tell the whole predicament had shaken him.
‘I reminded him of our friendship and asked him what was really troubling him.’
Caroline blinked. She’d imagined something much more profound, although it had undeniably had the desired effect. Neither James nor Milton had needed to face their friend in a duel and no one had got hurt.
‘He’s had a bad few weeks. His wife...’ James trailed off. ‘Suffice it to say he has not been thinking clearly. He apologised for what he said about you and will come and see you to apologise in person when he has himself straightened out.’
‘I’m just glad no one was hurt.’
Caroline caught Henrietta’s glance in her direction and realised she was standing far too close to James for propriety and the hand she had laid on his forearm was too familiar.
‘Shall we return to London?’ Henrietta prompted, a note of forced jollity in her voice. ‘Lord Hauxton, perhaps you’d be so kind as to help me mount my horse.’
‘We shall follow,’ James called after them as Henrietta steered Lord Hauxton towards the horses.
For a moment they stood in silence, the enormity of everything they needed to talk about gaping out in front of them. James took a step towards her and for one wonderful second Caroline thought he was about to take her in his arms and kiss her, out here in the open, declaring to the world that she was the woman he wanted to be with, the woman he couldn’t keep his hands off. Then he hesitated, ran a hand over his face and looked away across the Heath to where their horses were tied.
Chapter Thirteen
‘It seems you had a wasted trip,’ James said quietly. He had the urge to reach out and tuck the stray strands of hair back behind her ears, but instead balled his hands into fists to stop them from moving.
He didn’t like feeling so uneasy with Caroline, so off balance. She was the one person in the world he always felt at ease with, the one person he felt as though he did not need to stand on ceremony with. And now as he looked at her, he was lost for words.
‘Not wasted. I’m glad there was no duel. It was a foolish challenge and this is a far better ending than anyone getting shot and maimed. What did you really say to make him change his mind?’
‘Nothing really. I reminded him of our friendship, of the man he truly was. He broke down into tears.’ James shrugged. ‘His wife is having an affair and he is finding the revelation hard to cope with. He moans about her all the time, but I think he really loves her.’
‘No wonder he’s in such a state.’
‘Still no excuse for what he said to you.’
It was Caroline’s turn to shrug. She was not like many young ladies who would revel in the drama swirling around her. Caroline preferred the quiet life, the easy path.
He swallowed, knowing he was going to have to address the awkwardness that hung between them. The problem was he didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t tell her the kiss had been a mistake because he’d enjoyed every single second of it and was finding it hard not to reach out and pull her in to another embrace every moment they spent together.
He couldn’t bring himself to do the right thing either. No one had seen the kiss, no one suspected they’d crossed over the line between friendship and scandal, but he knew. And he was supposed to be a gentleman. By rights he should be taking her by the hand and asking her to marry him.
‘We should get back,’ Caroline said, narrowing her eyes as she watched Henrietta and Milton ride into the distance. ‘I’m going to be in enough trouble as it is.’
‘Just one more minute, then I’ll escort you home,’ James said, dropping his voice low.
Caroline’s eyes flicked up to meet his and he saw confusion and the hastily concealed flash of hope. If he was any kind of man, any kind of friend...
‘Last night,’ he said, clearing his throat.
She looked at him, her face blank, waiting for him to continue. She wasn’t about to make this easy for him, to step in with a gush of reassurance that they needn’t think about it again.
‘In the carriage...’
Caroline nodded slowly. ‘We kissed.’
‘We did.’
‘People do kiss,’ she said softly.
‘They do.’ His eyes darted down to her lips, impossibly rosy and inviting, and he found himself thinking of kissing her again. ‘All the time.’
She shivered and he took advantage of the moment to step in closer and place a hand on her back, conveying some of his body heat to her—it felt as though he had enough to share.
‘Sometimes when two people are close it can be difficult to see the boundaries between what is acceptable and what is not,’ he said in a speech that he’d rehearsed in his head. It sounded a lot less impressive out loud.
‘What is not acceptable, James?’ Her voice caught in her throat.
‘Two friends, two platonic friends, probably shouldn’t kiss.’
‘Probably not,’ she agreed, never taking her eyes from his. They were impossibly blue and lovely, the centre just next to the pupil a touch darker than the rest. They were eyes he’d spent many hours looking at—how was it he hadn’t been captivated before now?
‘I should probably apologise.’ He didn’t want to apologise, didn’t want to say it had been wrong when it had felt right.
‘Please don’t apologise.’ Caroline reached out hesitantly with a gloved hand, laying her fingers gently on his chest. ‘In that moment, for a few seconds it felt right. I felt it and you felt it. There is nothing wrong with that.’
‘You are an extraordinary woman, Cara.’ Many women would be demanding he do the right thing and marry her or would be cold and indignant. Caroline, as usual, had made things easy for him, had acknowledged the kiss, but shown him it wasn’t something they needed to change their friendship over.
It has changed, though. He rubbed his forehead, trying to dislodge the thought, but couldn’t. He would never be able to forget that single second when Caroline’s façade had slipped and he’d seen the years of longing hiding underneath. And he would never be able to forget how she’d felt as he’d held her in his arms, how she had fitted perfectly against him. No, nothing would ever be the same again, no matter how hard they tried.
‘We really should get back,’ she said, dropping her hand from his chest and stepping away, breaking the invisible rope that was pulling them together. He should have let her go, should have just watched her walk away to her horse, but instead he caught hold of her hand as she turned and pulled her firmly back to his body.
‘One more won’t make a difference,’ he murmured, more to himself than her as he lowered his lips on to hers. For an instant she was stiff under hi
m, unyielding, then he felt her relax just as he was about to pull away. He brushed his lips against hers again, tasted the sweetness and heard a low groan escape him as she pushed in closer.
Under his hands her body felt just right, her skin satiny soft, her hair silky smooth. He had visions of tumbling her down in the undergrowth, not caring about the dampness of the earth or the leaves that would stick to them. He just wanted to feel her body writhe underneath him, to touch where he’d never been allowed to touch before.
Unable to stop them, he felt his hands rise and caress her back, the bare skin of her neck, her shoulders, then one hand dropped down to her breast and he felt her shudder.
‘James,’ she whispered as he pulled away just a fraction. It was a plea, an entreaty, to carry on and he knew he could not refuse her. Still kissing, they sank down, James feeling the wet grass beneath his knees, but was too far gone to care. Caroline’s arms snaked around him, pulling him back, and she laid on the ground, then they were in the position he’d been dreaming of these last few weeks, her body warm underneath him, inviting him in.
It would be so easy to take what he wanted, what they both wanted, to strip her bare in the cool morning air and explore her body. He knew they would both enjoy it, the desire that had been simmering between them was a testament to that, but would they regret it?
He kissed her, a gentle kiss on the lips that was achingly tender. If they went any further, he’d have to marry her. Searching for some response in himself to that thought, he pulled away just a fraction.
‘James, we need to stop,’ Caroline said softly but firmly, wriggling out from underneath him. Her face was a mask, her expression serene, but he knew she was hiding her true emotions. ‘We can’t do any more, not here.’ She paused, closing her eyes before continuing, ‘Not ever.’
‘Caroline, I...’
It was a relief when she interrupted him as he didn’t know what to say. His body screamed for him to brush away her protestations, to kiss her again until she realised they were meant to be together, that their bodies were incomplete without one another, but there was that little nagging doubt, and he knew that was no way to treat his best friend, his Cara.
‘I think I need to get home.’ She scrambled to her feet, brushing the mud and grass off her riding habit with a grimace, turning away as she picked leaves off her skirt. She was quick, but not quick enough to hide the tears in her eyes.
In that moment he hated himself, hated that he couldn’t be the man she wanted, the man she deserved. Caroline deserved the very best to adore her, to worship her, not a man who couldn’t even propose after he’d almost ravished her.
‘Marry me, Caroline,’ he said, blurting the words out.
That made her stiffen, frozen to the spot, a long thirty seconds passing before she turned to him.
‘Don’t,’ she said, her voice taut with anger. ‘Don’t ask that when you don’t mean it.’
‘Of course I—’
‘No. You don’t.’
He reached out for her, but she backed away, the tears streaming down her face.
‘Caroline, I never want to hurt you.’
She looked at him without speaking for a long moment, then turned and fled. He was so stunned that at first he didn’t move and she was already halfway back to the horses by the time he started to sprint after her. He marvelled at how she vaulted into the saddle, using the branch of the tree to help her up, then cursed as she started to gallop away before he had even reached his own horse.
‘Caroline,’ he shouted, mounting in one fluid movement. It would only take one stumble, one spot of uneven ground, and she would be hurtled from the saddle and at this speed would likely break her neck.
Even with his body bent low over Nelson’s neck and his heels urging more and more speed from the horse, he didn’t catch Caroline up until they were almost back at her house and the morning crowds in the street forced her to slow her pace.
‘Wait,’ he called as he came up beside her.
She’d stopped crying, but there was an unmistakable pink tinge to her eyes and her hair was flying wildly behind her. He couldn’t deliver her home like this, but more importantly he couldn’t leave things between them like this.
‘James,’ she said, drawing in a long breath, making her voice judder as she said his name. ‘I think it would be for the best if we didn’t see each other for a little while.’
‘No.’
‘I can’t do this.’ The tears were back in her eyes and all he wanted to do was reach out and embrace her. He almost didn’t recognise the sad, stiff woman in the saddle and he hated that he was the reason for her distress.
‘Caroline...’
She shook her head. ‘I can’t do this, James. Please. If you care for me, just leave me alone, just for a little while.’
He almost protested again, but saw the sincerity in her eyes and nodded. ‘If that is what you want.’
‘It is.’
She urged her horse on suddenly, leaving him behind once again, but this time he didn’t try to catch up, instead following her at a distance of fifty feet, ensuring she got home safely.
‘You’re a fool, Heydon,’ he muttered to himself.
Chapter Fourteen
Caroline glanced in the mirror in the grand entrance hall and grimaced, wishing she hadn’t caught the reflection of herself. She looked gaunt, drawn, and even the little touch of rouge her mother had rubbed into her cheeks before they’d left the house didn’t do anything to make her look any more appealing.
‘We can go home at any time,’ her mother whispered, squeezing Caroline’s arm. On the other side Henrietta stood, glaring at anyone who approached, her way of showing solidarity with her cousin.
‘Thank you.’
It had been a week since the duel that had never happened, a week since the kiss on the Heath. A week since James had oh, so casually asked her to marry him. She’d spent the week shut up in her room, pleading a multitude of ailments that her mother hadn’t questioned too closely. Caroline knew her mother suspected something less physical was the cause of her seclusion, but she had left Caroline to it without too many questions.
Part of her wished she was still in her bedroom now, huddled under the covers and pretending the outside world didn’t exist. In the end, though, being alone with her thoughts had felt like self-imposed torture as she analysed every moment of their relationship since she’d met James five years ago.
‘Lord Hauxton dropped a note in saying he would be in attendance tonight,’ her mother said quietly and Caroline could see her eyes flitting over the other guests as she searched for the man she hoped her daughter would marry.
Lord Hauxton. The real reason she’d hauled herself up out of bed and put on the pretty lavender dress and let her maid pull and clip her hair into a fancy style. He’d sent a note each day enquiring about her health, after she had let it be known she had caught a chill. He was quietly persistent without being pushy.
You need to move on, she’d told herself so many times, and now here she was doing just that. Moving on with her life, past James, and grasping the future with both hands. Lord Hauxton was her future.
Her mother gave her one last final hug and then headed off into the crowd of guests, leaving Caroline and Henrietta together. A second later Miss Preston appeared, her expression serene, looking radiant as always.
‘Miss Yaxley, Miss Harvey, how thrilling you are here tonight.’ It was over-effusive, even when said with a hint of sarcasm, and Caroline felt a wave of nervousness roll over her. She and James had walked out of an intimate dinner party with her family with no good excuse and that had been after James had rebuffed Miss Preston’s advances in the garden. She wasn’t naive enough to think Miss Preston would let the matter go, she was too petty for that.
‘Miss Preston, I trust you are well.’
‘Very well, th
ank you. Very well indeed.’ She could almost see the evil grin on the young woman’s face. ‘I’m sure I will see you throughout the evening.’
Caroline smiled weakly, wondering how she had been unfortunate enough to garner the attention of the most vindictive debutante of the Season.
They watched her glide away and Caroline could tell Henrietta was pulling a face without even looking sideways.
‘Is it compulsory to be that horrible if you’re that beautiful?’
Caroline laughed. ‘It does always seem to be the attractive ones.’
They strolled arm in arm around the periphery of the ballroom, watching the couples in the centre dance a waltz, mesmerised by the movement and the music. By the time they had reached the far end of the ballroom the dance was just coming to an end and the couples beginning to step away from one another, creating a little swell of a crowd. Perhaps that was why she didn’t see him coming.
‘Miss Yaxley,’ James said, bending into a low bow, before greeting Henrietta. It was Caroline’s eyes he held though, Caroline he lingered over.
‘Your Grace.’
She might have thought the intervening week had strengthened her resolve, but one look into his dark eyes and she felt all the familiar hopes and dreams come rushing back.
‘I hoped I might see you here tonight,’ he said quietly.
‘I’ll just...’ Henrietta didn’t even bother to finish the sentence, instead slipping away and leaving them alone in the corner of the ballroom.
‘I was worried about you after...’ he paused for a moment as if searching for the right words ‘...after Hampstead Heath.’
‘I caught a chill, nothing more. I’m much better now.’
‘Nonsense,’ he said, leaning in so no one would overhear him. ‘You’re more robust than that, Cara.’
She glanced up at him. That was a mistake. His eyes were filled with warmth and concern and she could feel herself slipping back into her old role as his best friend, secretly hiding her love.
‘You’re right. I needed some time to myself.’