by Laura Martin
‘And did it help?’
She shrugged. Her emotions had been all over the place, her resolve swinging from deciding she would move on and accept another man’s proposal and never see James again to worrying she would be lost without his friendship.
‘I never knew I was so indecisive,’ she said.
‘Is there a decision to make?’
She didn’t answer.
‘I meant it last week, Cara,’ he said, his voice low so no one else could hear, ‘when I asked you to marry me.’
‘Stop it,’ she muttered, glancing around. She placed a hand on his chest and physically pushed him away from her, albeit gently. It was too much, here in the crowded ballroom, and she needed him to stop confusing her.
‘Cara, wait a moment.’ He caught her by the hand and she breathed deeply before turning back to him.
‘You don’t love me, James,’ she said quietly, holding his eyes so he knew how serious her words are. ‘You don’t love me and you are a man who believes in love. What sort of a friend would I be if I agreed to marry you, when the woman you love could be making her way into your life as we speak?’
She reached out and laid a hand on his arm, then forced herself to take a step away.
‘These past few weeks have been...hard. I care for you, I value our friendship, but I think I stand by what I said last week. I need some time apart from you, some time to build my own life.’
‘I don’t understand.’ James’s expression was serious and Caroline had to resist the urge to reach out and smooth the frown lines between his eyes.
‘No, you probably don’t. But will you do it for me?’
He was silent for a long moment and then gave a single nod. Reaching out, he took her hand in his and then raised it to his lips and placed a kiss just below her knuckles.
‘I’ll be here for you whenever you need me,’ he said quietly.
Caroline forced herself to turn and walk away, feeling her heart squeeze inside. She was walking away from the man she loved, after he’d asked her to marry him for the second time. Perhaps she was the biggest fool in the world.
‘Cara, wait,’ James called after her.
She spun, almost knocking into him he’d come up so quickly behind her.
‘One last dance.’ He looked at her with such a serious expression she knew she could not refuse. ‘One last dance and then I will fade away.’
As he spoke, the first notes of a waltz were played by the quartet of musicians and Caroline knew she could not refuse him. One last dance, one last farewell, then she would put James and all the hopes and dreams she’d wished for over the years from her mind.
‘One dance,’ she agreed, holding out her hand. Even through her satin gloves she could feel the warmth of his hand, the strength of his fingers as he led her to an empty spot on the dance floor, and she felt her movements become fluid and easy. No matter what else passed between then they still had their history. The hundreds of dances they’d danced together, the thousands of hours spent in one another’s company.
‘Close your eyes,’ James murmured to her, holding her firmly, just the correct distance from his body. She did, allowing her own to sway to the music and placing herself entirely in his hands as they danced. Her feet responded to even the lightest pressure on her waist by James, allowing him to change her direction and spin her past the other dancers. Caroline felt a peculiar calm as they moved, they were in complete harmony, bothered by no one else and focused entirely on the pleasure of the dance.
‘Tell me we don’t work well together,’ James said as the last notes of the waltz sounded and Caroline let her eyes flicker open.
‘We work well together,’ she admitted.
‘You won’t stay away too long?’
Caroline swallowed hard, trying to keep her composure. She didn’t want to spend any time away from James, not a single second, but if anything, their dance had shown her how necessary it was for her to get a little distance. When he was near he was all she could think about, all she could feel. If she was ever going to move on with her life she needed to be able to think clearly.
‘Not too long.’ She smiled sadly at him, then with a heavy heart turned and walked away.
* * *
There wasn’t a lot of point in him staying much longer. The only reason he’d come tonight to the Deveauxs’ ball was to see Caroline and now she had requested he give her some time away from him. That was like a spear to the heart, piercing and painful, and he’d almost called out as she’d walked away from him.
Instead he’d let her go, not knowing if he was a fool or a gentleman for respecting her request. The last half an hour he’d circled the periphery of the ball, fending off any attempts to engage him in conversation and instead keeping Caroline in his sights, albeit at a distance.
He felt hollow inside, as if he’d just lost part of himself. When she’d asked him for some space a week earlier he thought it would be temporary, but today he got the impression she was saying goodbye and that hurt more than he could have ever imagined.
This past half an hour he’d watched her socialise, although he could tell the customary spark was missing from her eyes. She’d danced with one young gentleman, but hardly conversed with him throughout the reel, and she’d spent much of her time staring blankly into the distance as if lost in her own thoughts.
Now, though, he felt a stab of jealousy as her face lit up as Milton entered, making straight for her, taking her hand and kissing it before smiling a familiar greeting to Lady Yaxley. She was pleased to see him and James had to admit to himself that it rankled. He was the one who made her laugh and made her smile, who she wrote to when he was away and who she arranged her day around when he returned.
Reminding himself jealousy was not a noble emotion, he watched the interaction between Caroline and his friend, trying to feel pleased when she smiled at something Milton said or he laughed at one of her observations. After a minute he turned away in frustration. Tonight had not gone well, perhaps it was time to slip away and go and have a quiet drink at his club instead.
‘I hear congratulations are in order, Your Grace,’ Mr Deveaux said as he almost barrelled into James.
‘Congratulations?’
‘The rumour is you’ve finally decided to settle down and get yourself a wife.’
‘What rumour?’ James felt a cold dread seize hold of him. Surely no one could have overheard the whispered proposal in the corner of the ballroom. And if they had they couldn’t have mistaken Caroline’s ‘no’ for anything worth celebrating.
‘You and Miss Yaxley. Congratulations.’ Mr Deveaux thumped him on the back and then walked away, leaving James staring after him with his mouth open.
Other guests were looking at him, most smiling in that way people had when they thought you were in receipt of happy news.
With a growl of frustration he turned back to where Caroline had been a moment before and strode across the ballroom.
‘We have a problem,’ he said, not even taking the time to greet Milton.
Caroline blinked a few times as if she couldn’t quite believe what she was seeing.
‘Good evening,’ Milton said pointedly.
‘No time for that. We have a problem.’
‘What?’
‘There is a rumour...’ He swallowed, glancing between Caroline and his friend. ‘A rumour that I am engaged.’
‘To whom?’
‘Congratulations,’ Lady Whittaker almost shouted as she glided over. ‘Shall we toast the happy couple?’
Caroline’s eyes widened and James saw the colour drain from her face. People were turning towards them, their eyes flitting between Caroline, him and Milton, smiles fixed to their faces.
Shaking her head, Caroline locked eyes with him, as if pleading with him to do something. He gave her a half-smile. He would do anythin
g for her, anything to save her from this embarrassment, if only he knew what.
‘Oh, I’m so happy for you, dear, what a wonderful announcement,’ someone else said, resting their hand on Caroline’s arm.
‘What wonderful news.’
‘It’ll be the wedding of the year.’
Caroline was now a sickly green colour and her breathing rapid and shallow. He wanted to reach out to embrace her, but that would only make matters worse.
Milton was studying him, eyes narrowed ever so slightly, a protective hand on Caroline’s back.
Almost imperceptibly James shook his head.
‘Please,’ James said, raising his voice to be heard over the dozen people gathered round offering their empty congratulations. ‘Ladies and gentlemen, there has been a mistake.’
He couldn’t say they weren’t getting married, it would seem like a rejection of Caroline, a statement that he didn’t think her good enough. Perhaps he could make light of it, say he had offered, but she had turned him down. If only he could know what would be best for her.
‘Indeed there has,’ Milton spoke up. ‘Miss Yaxley has indeed received proposals this Season...’ he smiled at her, making it clear to the crowd that he was one of the gentlemen who had proposed ‘...and as is a woman’s prerogative she is taking some time to consider her options.’
‘Whoever she chooses will be a very lucky man,’ James added.
A murmur went through the crowd, excited and almost disbelieving. They would be the subject of gossip at the breakfast table for weeks to come, at least until some foolish debutante got caught doing something she shouldn’t.
Caroline summoned a smile to her face, but anyone who knew her would be able to tell it was forced. She took Milton’s arm and together they hurried away from the crowd, away from the watching eyes. Away from him.
Chapter Fifteen
‘That wasn’t how I hoped to ask you,’ Lord Hauxton said as they stood together at the very end of the terrace. A lantern was burning bright a few feet away, but their distance from the house meant they were still in semi-darkness.
Caroline looked at him, not comprehending for a moment. So much had happened in the last few minutes that she felt as though her mind was still racing to catch up.
Lord Hauxton stepped closer, angling his body so he shielded her from the view of anyone watching from the ballroom.
‘To marry me. That wasn’t how I hoped to do it.’ He smiled at her and Caroline felt a warmth towards him. It wasn’t the same burning heat she felt for James, but perhaps that wasn’t a bad thing. At least she could think rationally when Lord Hauxton was around. ‘I’m quite a traditionalist, I had hoped to speak to your father and then take you somewhere pleasant to propose, but I was forced to show my hand early.’
Damn Miss Preston and her rumours. Caroline knew it had to be her, no one else would be as cruel to spread gossip about a fake engagement between her and James. If Lord Hauxton hadn’t stepped in, they both would have been humiliated.
‘Thank you,’ she said quietly. ‘You didn’t have to do that. I appreciate it. You’re a kind man, Lord Hauxton.’
‘I saw your face when you realised what people were saying.’
Caroline dreaded to think what her expression must have been. She’d felt as though the ground were shifting and breaking beneath her feet. To hear people congratulate her on an engagement to James was like having someone read her most private thoughts and then shout them out to the world.
‘I think it was Miss Preston’s doing,’ she said quietly. ‘She does not like me and the Duke rebuffed her advances last week. I’m sure this was her petty revenge.’
‘To humiliate you both with a story of an engagement that you would then have to deny?’ He was watching her carefully and Caroline wondered how much he had guessed. Lord Hauxton was an astute man and he’d seen her and James together on a number of occasions. The whole of society wondered about their relationship, but Lord Hauxton had seen their interactions first hand.
‘Exactly.’
‘Heydon looked as though he were ready to jump in there and defend your honour. To propose himself.’
Caroline nodded. ‘He’s a good friend and it wouldn’t sit well with him—the idea I was targeted because he rebuffed Miss Preston a little too harshly.’
Milton nodded, then took another step closer, reaching out and gripping her hand in his.
‘I know our acquaintance has only been brief,’ he said quietly, ‘but I think we would be well suited. I think I could make you happy and I know how important that is in a marriage.’ He paused, giving her hand a little squeeze. ‘I know it is a big decision. Take a few days to think it through.’
She searched his face, but couldn’t see anything but kindness there. Not for the first time she wished she felt something more for this man. He was generous and good and selfless and she wished she could throw her arms around his neck and declare she would marry him without any hesitation. Instead this would be a practical decision, one made with her head and not her heart, and a little part of her felt as though Lord Hauxton deserved more than that, he deserved more than a wife who was in love with someone else.
‘It is a big decision, although I have enjoyed the time we’ve spent together so far. I will not lie and say this wasn’t where I hoped our acquaintance might lead.’ It wasn’t a yes, but it was an indication of her final answer. She might be foolish in matters of the heart, but underneath it all she was a sensible woman and the sensible decision here would be to marry Lord Hauxton. He was exactly the kind of husband she had hoped for when she had decided to settled down and marry a few weeks ago.
He leaned forward and brushed a kiss on her cheek, delicate and unassuming. Immediately Caroline thought of James, of the passion-filled kisses they’d shared. Quickly she pushed the thought away. It was Lord Hauxton out here on the terrace with her. Lord Hauxton who was offering her a future. Lord Hauxton who truly wanted to marry her.
‘I should return you to the ball, unless you would rather I arrange for your carriage to take you straight home?’
Caroline considered. She didn’t wish to hear the whispered speculation about her or see the furtive glances as everyone talked about the multiple proposals she was apparently considering. People would talk whether she was in attendance or not and perhaps it was time to be kind to herself and retreat home.
‘I think I will go home,’ she said after a moment.
‘Very well. I will ask for your carriage to be brought round. Will your mother accompany you?’
Caroline hesitated. Her mother was chaperoning Henrietta tonight, so unless Caroline dragged her cousin from the ball, too, it would be impossible for her mother to accompany her home. Besides, a little peace wouldn’t be a bad thing. She had a proposal to consider.
They walked back through the ballroom together and Caroline felt all eyes on them. It made her glad of her decision to return home and she wondered if perhaps she might eschew social occasions until she had given Lord Hauxton his answer.
Only once she was safely ensconced in her carriage did she relax, forcing herself to think of something other than the two men who had been occupying all her thoughts these last few weeks.
Chapter Sixteen
James knew she wouldn’t be strolling through Hyde Park in the early afternoon, but he still went anyway. He might not understand her request for space, but he was trying his very hardest to respect it. He hadn’t been to her parents’ town house, hadn’t attended the social events he knew she was meant to be going to, but he couldn’t seem to stop himself from heading into Hyde Park every afternoon just in case.
If he came across Caroline in the park, he would know it was because she wanted to see him.
Four days and there had been no sign of her. Either Bertie was going crazy being shut up in the house for so long, or Caroline had found another spot to wal
k her beloved hound.
He’d just crossed one of the bridges over the Serpentine when he heard a familiar excited bark. Unable to stop the smile from spreading across his lips, he spun, the smile falling when he saw Lady Yaxley struggling with the excitable dog.
‘It would seem you have an admirer,’ she said as Bertie jumped up and started trying to lick his face.
James crouched, taking time to give the dog a rub behind the ears and down his back, rewarded by the powerful thump of his tail as he crowded in closer.
‘You thought I was Caroline,’ Lady Yaxley observed quietly when James finally stood back up.
‘She doesn’t often let anyone else walk Bertie.’
‘True.’
‘And she does frequent Hyde Park around this time most days.’
‘I know.’
James looked at Lady Yaxley, wondering if she had chosen this time and this spot to walk Bertie, knowing she would run into him.
‘Walk with me, Your Grace. I find Bertie is more tiring than I had imagined.’ She handed him the lead and James felt the familiar weight and tug as Bertie lolloped along next to them.
‘Is Caroline well?’ He spoke quickly, unable to stop himself.
‘She is, thank you for asking. And you, are you well?’ Lady Yaxley fixed him with her penetrating stare that James could imagine had wrestled many secrets from her daughter in her youth. Her eyes were the same brilliant blue as Caroline’s and just as intense.
‘Yes, thank you.’
‘I must confess I worry about you, Your Grace.’
‘You worry about me?’ James almost stumbled he was so surprised. His own parents had passed away years ago and he had no immediate family. No one to worry about him apart from the closest of his friends.
‘Of course I do.’ She was smiling at him in a motherly way. ‘You’ve been in our lives for a long time, Your Grace, and I see you as part of the family.’
He felt a flush of guilt. She wouldn’t be saying this if she knew how badly he’d treated Caroline. If she knew about the kisses and the inappropriate thoughts he couldn’t stop himself from having.