Consensual

by Livia Jamerlan

  Swallowing the lump that had formed in my throat, I shut my eyes and inhaled deeply, letting the oxygen fill my lungs. “There is a lot about me you don’t know,” I finally had the courage to admit.

  Grabbing my hands tighter, he lowered his face so I was forced to look at him. “I know that, but that’s because you haven’t let me in.”

  I nodded. He was right, but I didn’t let anyone in, especially someone who could potentially break my heart.

  The sun was setting over Manhattan, and orange rays shot into his house and colored the furniture. I looked away from his expectant eyes to watch its descent, still debating whether or not to tell him. If he knew everything, it would ruin what he saw in me. It would ruin us.

  Devon could very well know and have already unveiled my monsters. Whether that was the case or not, I would tell my story. “I was born in Idaho, not Rhode Island.” His puzzled face told me Devon hadn’t said anything to him yet. “My parents died when I was three years old.”

  I looked out the window again. “We were on our way to my sister’s dance rehearsal. Loren was already there, waiting for us. I don’t remember any of this, but I’ve been told it was a rainy, late afternoon and a drunk driver blew past a stop sign and T-boned our car. The police records confirm that our car was pushed into oncoming traffic, where it was hit head-on.”

  I swallowed back my emotion. “My parents died before the paramedics arrived, but I walked away with only a few scratches. They all said it was a miracle I survived.” I pulled my hand from his to take a sip of my wine.

  “I’m so sorry. I had no idea.” Peyton moved from the coffee table to sit next to me. He wrapped his arms around me and held me close.

  “I don’t remember any of it.” I shook my head. “I have some moments I can still see with my parents, but I’m not sure if those are memories or just stories Loren’s told me. She and I were sent off to live with Aunt Tara and her husband Henry. As far back as I can remember, Henry would come into our room almost every night and molest my sister.”

  His arms tightened around me.

  Taking in a deep breath, I looked around the apartment, allowing the tears to swim in my eyes without falling. I had told this story several times before, but this was this first time I was really letting Peyton in. By sharing this with him, I was giving him more of myself than I had ever given any man.

  “The last time he touched her was a month before her eighteenth birthday. He’d said something about wanting me next, and Loren refused to let him near me. The day she turned eighteen, she approached our aunt and confessed the truth. Aunt Tara assured Loren that if she didn’t press charges, she would sign my guardianship over to Loren. Loren packed our things, and with the little inheritance she had, we moved from Idaho to Rhode Island.”

  There was a heavy pause as I collected myself and let Peyton absorb what I’d told him. “So it’s because of Henry?” he asked tentatively. “That’s why you looked into Drew’s exes?” His concerned voice melted the pain from my heart. This was not the Peyton I was used to, not the Peyton I had been sleeping with for the past couple of weeks. Or was it? I’d been so focused on keeping him away that I never gave him a chance to show me who he really was. He had tried, I realized. He had shown me moments of vulnerability, but I wasn’t ready to accept those moments. I wasn’t ready to reciprocate. I was now.

  Tell him, Braelynn. The whole truth.

  If there was ever going to be a chance between us, I needed to let him know everything.

  Why I spent all my time buried in schoolwork.

  Why I could never let my guard down with him.

  Why I needed to have every rapist bastard behind bars.

  “Did you know I originally wanted to be a pediatrician?” I asked, knowing he had no idea. “I love kids. Growing up, I babysat so many that I knew I’d be a great doctor. When I was accepted into Northeastern, Loren and Jennifer were thrilled. Kennedy was my roommate and our friendship was instant. Everything was going just as I’d planned. I had crazy, fantastic friends, I studied really hard to get good grades, and I never got caught up with boys. It was perfect.” I felt my body begin to shake.

  “Braelynn, where are you going with this?” He rubbed his hands up and down my arms.

  “It was late in August, right before our junior year. Kennedy and Caleb had just started hanging out, and she wanted to have this big bash before we all went back to school. So we all put in and rented a beach house for a long weekend in the Hamptons. Beer, burgers, bonfires—we had it all. It was our last night before we had to pack up and get back to reality. Kennedy and I had so many JELL-O shots and melon balls that I was sick to my stomach from mixing the different types of liquor. Everyone went to the beach for one last bonfire, but I decided to call it a night. I was driving the next day and didn’t want to be hungover. It was hot, the kind of late-August heat where the humidity sticks to your skin. There was no air conditioner in the house, just ceiling fans that moved the hot air around. I kept falling in and out of sleep.”

  Like Mackenzie during lunch, I needed to continue until it was all out. Reaching for my glass of wine again, I took a big gulp. “I first felt his breath on my upper thighs, but I just thought it was a breeze off the ocean. When his body pressed against mine, I realized there was someone in my bed.”

  Shaking my head with my eyes closed, I tried to fight the images in my head. “I realized pretty quickly it wasn’t one of my friends screwing around. I went to scream, but he grabbed my throat to stop me. His beard rubbed against my ear and the stench of cheap liquor oozed from his pores. He kept shushing me, the way you would a baby to keep them quiet when they’re fussy. The smell of liquor intensified when he placed all his upper body weight on me so he could unbuckle his pants. I was pinned under him, unable to move or scream. I let the tears fall, scared to death of what was happening.

  “He was still holding me by my neck when he reached between us and ripped my panties off. When I felt his erection on me, I cried harder, shaking from fear. He took his hand with my panties still wrapped around his fingers and backhanded me right across my face. When I tasted the blood in my mouth, I remembered all the times Henry had hit Loren. I refused to be a victim. I fought back. I kicked and cried out for help, hoping that someone down at the beach would hear me. My muscles felt like they were on fire. I was exhausted from fighting him, my body was weak, and he was so much bigger than I was.”

  I wiped the tears away, drinking more liquid courage. “I remember begging him not to do it, telling him if he just left, I wouldn’t come after him, but he didn’t stop. I squeezed my eyes shut when he forced my legs open, and … and … screamed at the top of my lungs. He held me down and covered my mouth before I felt him tearing through me.”

  Peyton’s fingers brushed through his hair before his eyes met mine.

  “Why didn’t you tell me this before?” Peyton shot up from the couch and rage flashed across his face. “Look at how we met. How could you not have told me?” His voice was loud and ragged as he paced in front of me. “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” He reached for a decorative pillow and threw it across the room.

  I stood and moved toward him, wrapping my arms around his waist as I tried to calm him. “Sit back down, please. Let me finish the story. Only a few people know and it’s hard enough to say it. I can’t have you freaking out about it.”

  His arms wrapped around my shoulders as he led me back to the couch. I placed my hands in his. “Gustavo had come back inside to get me because they were setting off fireworks and he insisted we all watch them together. He tackled the asshole, throwing him over the bed and hitting him until he was unconscious. Gus saved me.”

  I wiped my sad tears away. “The cops were called and I pressed charges. I went to court and relived the whole situation in front of Loren, Jennifer, Gus, and Kennedy. After he was convicted, I received a letter in the mail from a woman who thanked me for pressing charges because she’d never had the courage after he’d raped her—that same day. W
hile holding the letter in my hand, I decided I wanted to be a lawyer. I’d fight to put every scumbag like him behind bars. That is why I can’t let go of the mysterious dropped rape charges against Drew.”

  He wiped the tears from my face. “I’m sorry I was such an asshole when I met you. I can’t believe I touched you like that in the club.”

  Grabbing his hand on my face, I shook my head, reassuring him. “You did nothing wrong. I wanted you that night. But now you can understand why I got so angry when you talked about protecting me the other day. I don’t want to be someone who needs protecting. What happened to me wasn’t my fault. Yes, it screwed me up when it came to relationships, but I chose to fight back. I choose to fight back. So don’t think I didn’t like what you did the first night we met. I actually enjoyed that very much.”

  Peyton reached for the blanket on the back of the couch and pulled me closer before laying us down and holding me in a tight cocoon. “Do you want to tell me about Mackenzie, or have you had too much for one day?”

  With my head on his chest I listened to his heartbeat, the soothing sound comforting me.

  I looked up at him, at the sad smile on his face. “I think I’ve had enough for one day.”

  He would know her side of the story and what she had on Drew soon enough. Right now I wanted to take comfort in his arms, in him.

  “I’m sorry I made you cry, Braelynn.”

  Shaking my head, I closed my heavy eyelids.

  Opening my eyes slowly, I noticed the dark, unfamiliar room before I realized I was still lying on Peyton’s chest, the light from the TV flashing behind me. He looked down at me as I cracked my neck, and his breathtaking smile appeared on his handsome face.

  “Hi, sleepy head,” he whispered before he kissed the top of my head. I felt my face flush from his comment. Burying my face in his chest, I hid the effect he was having on me.

  “Hi.” His hands began to tickle my ribs. “Peyton, no … please, don’t tickle me.” I couldn’t contain my laughter as my body twisted, his long fingers playing my rib cage like a grand piano.

  “Ticklish, are we?” He released me from his dangerous fingers.

  “Come on, that’s not fair. I was taking a little catnap.” I stretched my arms above me, my toes pointing.

  “Catnap? It’s almost midnight.”

  I snapped my head up, looking around for a clock. “It’s not midnight. It can’t be.”

  He retrieved the remote from the coffee table and hit the channel guide button so I could see the time. “See, doll, almost midnight.”

  “Crap. Why didn’t you wake me?” I threw the blanket off me. “I have to go.”

  Gripping my hips, he held me in place. “It’s late and dark outside. Why don’t you spend the night?”

  My heart pinched when he asked me to stay the night. Though I still had feelings for him, it didn’t mean he still had them for me. “I don’t … I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

  When he released my waist, I stood and located my shoes, which had been kicked under the couch. Peyton turned the TV off and put the remote back down. “It really wasn’t a question.”

  Before I had a chance to respond, he threw me over his shoulder. “Peyton Haas, what are you doing?” I smacked his butt repeatedly, pinching each of his cheeks.

  “Woman, if you don’t stop that this instant, I’m going to punish you.” The authority in his voice awakened my core.

  “Promise?” I asked, pinching his butt cheek once again and laughing.

  My body slid over his shoulder and down his torso until my feet were planted on the floor. Mere seconds passed before he had me pinned against the hallway wall. His hand held the side of my face as his thumb stroked my lower lip. “You think I make threats lightly?” He pushed his growing erection against me.

  Wanting him to take me, I shook my head.

  “I said if you didn’t stop, I was going to punish you. Did you think I was joking?” He brushed his nose up my neck to my ear, down my cheek, and along my lips before bringing my lower lip in between his teeth. The tender nip had me whimpering. Releasing my lip, he growled and brought his lips to my ears.

  “Are you a bad girl?” he asked, his hand flat on the wall, caging me. My nipples, hard and ready for him to touch, pressed against the cotton fabric of my bra. “Huh, Braelynn?” His hand moved from the wall, down my shoulder, and around my swollen breast. “Tell me you’re a bad girl, and I’ll give you what you want.” He circled the tip of my nipple over my shirt.

  “I’m … I’m a bad girl,” I whispered.

  “Yeah, you are.” He pushed his cock harder into my pelvis as he reached under my shirt and bra and cupped my breast. His finger flicked my pebbled nipple before his mouth crashed over mine. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I pulled him down and kissed him deeper as I pushed my body against his rock-hard dick.

  His other hand located the zipper on my pants, lowering it just enough to get his hand in. He pulled his lips away from mine and his thumb stroked my hardened nipple while his other hand parted my moist lips. My core ached for his touch.

  “Please, Haas.”

  Pinching my nipple, he brought his lips down to mine, stopping a centimeter away. “Let me hear you beg.”

  I closed my eyes, slamming my head on the wall. “Please, Haas. Please. I need you to touch me.”

  His finger gently grazed my clit.

  Ring … Ring … Ring.

  My eyes snapped open when I heard his office phone ringing. Closing his lips over mine, he tickled my wet clit before he pulled his hands out from under my clothes. “It might be important.” He brought his wet finger to his mouth before jogging to his office.

  “Look who doesn’t play fair now,” I shouted breathlessly after him.

  Not wanting to wait in the hallway for him, I tiptoed soundlessly to his office. I watched him talk with the phone wedged between his neck and shoulder, his arms crossed at his chest as he faced the city lights below.

  “Tomorrow morning would be great … I should be free after ten … Wherever you want … No, Devon.” He chuckled. I stopped admiring his backside once I realized he was on the phone with Devon. “I love you too. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  He turned to set the phone back on the receiver and my eyes met his for a split second before I sprinted to the living room. I shoved my feet in my shoes and grabbed my purse off the kitchen counter. I punched my finger into the elevator button, outraged that he’d had me pinned to the wall one minute, and only seconds later he was telling the bearded clam that he loved her. Angry with myself for ever thinking I could be anything real to him, I hit the button impatiently.

  Nothing. You are nothing.

  “Braelynn? Where are you going?”

  I pushed the button again. How could I have been so dumb? I was just a cliché. I wasn’t different. I wasn’t the only one who had slept in his bed.

  “Hey.” He grabbed my elbow, turning me toward him.

  I pulled away and stared at the numbers as the elevator ascended. “Don’t touch me.” I couldn’t bear to look at him.

  His hand jerked my purse from my shoulder before he tossed it on the console table.

  “What the fuck, Haas!” I yelled.

  “Let me make myself very clear to you. If you choose to leave, I’m not going after you. I’m also not the type of guy who’ll sit here and beg you not to leave. If that’s what you need, you’re barking up the wrong tree.”

  “I’m tired of you lying to me.”

  “Lying to you? You don’t know anything about me, Braelynn. You’ve never given us that opportunity. You’ve never taken the time to get to know me. Your first reaction when shit doesn’t go your way is to run. And quite frankly, it’s fucking childish.”

  “Now I’m a child?”

  I walked over to grab my purse and he stepped in front of me. “You need to cool down and tell me what has your panties in a wad. Is it because I left you hot and bothered?” He chuckled.

  “F
uck you!”

  His eyes widened when the words registered. “Really?” He crossed his arms over his broad chest.

  “Really. I’m tired of your fucking games. I’m not here to keep your bed warm while you wait for someone else.” I pushed past him, grabbing my purse from the table.

  “That’s it.” He threw me over his shoulder. Again.

  “Put me down!” I screamed, banging my hands on his backside, my feet kicking against his vice-like grip. Peyton stalked down the hallway and into his bedroom, and then straight through to his bathroom.

  “Drop your purse and stop kicking,” he ordered.

  “Fuck you. Put me down.” I hit him again.

  “Fine. Suit yourself.” Peyton strode through his bathroom and into the large shower. “This should cool you off.” He turned the knob and cold water poured over my feet before he stepped all the way in. I tossed my purse to the floor before the shower door closed behind me. I slid off his shoulder, standing under the cold water.

  “Are you fucking crazy? You got my clothes all wet. My shoes too, asshole.” I shivered under the cold water. Reaching behind me, he adjusted the water temperature, warming it up just a tad so we wouldn’t end up with pneumonia.

  “If I need to get your attention with cold water, I will. What the fuck happened? The woman I left in the hallway was not this woman.” He waved his hand toward me.

  “And the girl you left in the hallway was not the same one you were on the phone with.” I held my arms across my chest, shivering from the cold.

  He reached his arm past me once more, heating the water just a few more degrees. “I don’t do this whole mind-fuck thing you have going on, Braelynn. You need to cool the fuck down and stop throwing a tantrum.”

  “Who the fuck is throwing a tantrum? You had your hand down my pants, and twenty seconds later you’re telling Devon how you love her too and that you’ll see her tomorrow? She found me in the supermarket on Friday and informed me how your whole little arrangement works. You get to fuck Sammie, but at the end of the day you’ll end up with Devon!” I yelled like a teenage girl, my lips quivering from the cold.