by Liz Lee
“Sign the papers, Donovan. Don’t make this worse for either of us.”
And with that she finally walked away.
Donovan didn’t follow Kacie Jo. He wanted to. As she walked away from him every fiber in his being screamed Go After Her. But he couldn’t. Not yet. He needed help.
When Donovan walked up the steps to Ike’s home, he told himself one of two things was going to happen. Either he’d get the help he needed, or he would die because Ike Jenkins would slaughter him. Either would be preferable to the hell he’d been in.
Ike opened the door before he knocked. The scathing look he sent spoke volumes.
“Young man, I’m not sure you want to be here right now.”
Donovan deserved the man’s censure.
“I’m not sure either,” he said. “I know I’ve made a lousy mess of things. I know I’ve hurt a lot of people, most of all Kacie Jo. More than anything I know I need help, and I think you know how I can get it.”
Ike didn’t answer right away, and Donovan couldn’t blame him. When he thought Ike was going to toss him off the porch, he opened the door wider instead.
“Have you still heard nothing from Donovan’s lawyer?” It had been a week, and Kacie Jo was tired of waiting.
Grady sat behind his desk working on a spreadsheet of some sort. Completely lost.
“Isn’t that the kind of thing Eliza usually does?” she asked.
“I’m sure you know Eliza Jane quit,” Grady growled. And then he looked up at her. “No, I’ve still heard nothing. If you want to know what’s taking him so long, you might talk to our father. They’ve spent every afternoon the last week together.”
Ouch. Kacie Jo tried not to let her brother see how much that news hurt. “I didn’t know Eliza quit. I’m sure you deserved it. Where is she now?”
Grady rubbed his forehead. “I have no idea. She left town. Her voice mail says she’s on vacation.”
“Eliza took a vacation?” Suddenly Kacie Jo felt horrible. She’d spent so much time focused on her own grief she hadn’t been there for her best friend. Her brother had broken Eliza’s heart, and he didn’t even know it. Idiot.
“Wait. You didn’t know?” Grady asked looking more concerned than aggravated.
Kacie Jo shook her head. “No. But she definitely earned one after all the time she spent here with her unappreciative boss.”
“I appreciate her,” Grady said begrudgingly, and Kacie Jo sighed.
“Whatever, Grady. You treated her like she was invisible half the time and like she was someone who needed bossing around the other. I’m going to Dad’s. If you hear anything from the lawyer or from Eliza, call me.”
She stepped out into the late summer heat and pressed Eliza’s contact info on her phone. Sure enough, her voice mail said she was out and off the digital grid for a week.
By the time Kacie Jo got to her father’s house, she’d worked herself up into one big mess of guilt over her lousy abilities as a best friend.
Daddy sat on the front porch with a cup of coffee and his tackle box.
“Going fishing?” she asked leaning down to give him a kiss.
“Something like that,” he said, and she frowned at the ambiguity of the answer.
“Does this something have to do with you spending your afternoons with Donovan?” She didn’t want to be hurt, but she was.
“It does.”
Wonderful. She lost a husband and her daddy got a fishing partner.
She wanted to ask why, but if her father planned on imparting information, he would’ve done so already.
So she took Grady’s advice. “When you see him, could you tell him the divorce can be quick if he doesn’t contest it?”
“He’s in the garage. You ought to tell him yourself.”
Panic hit followed quickly by anger. “Are you on his side?” She couldn’t keep the accusation out of her voice.
Her father shook his head, but his eyes were gentle. “No sides in this one, Kacie Jo. I love you. I still think you ought to go talk to the boy.”
His answer soothed the ache in her chest and she bent down, to hug him. “Thank you, Daddy,” she said.
And then she started toward the garage.
Like every other part of the house, the garage was spotless. Donovan stood over Daddy’s gear packing his tackle box. A fishing pole hung on the wall above his head. When she stepped inside, he stopped.
“Hello, Donovan,” she said, surprised by how calm she sounded even though her heart was practically bursting out of her chest.
“Kacie Jo,” he said setting down the box.
Business. That’s all this was. Tying up lose ends. Finishing what never should’ve started. “Grady said you’ve been spending time here.”
“I have,” he said wiping his hands on his jeans.
“He said we haven’t heard from your lawyer.”
“I have the papers. I’ll send them today if that’s what you want.”
She nodded, started toward him because it seemed like the right thing to do then stepped away because what? Were they going to shake hands or something?
Donovan reached out, touched her shoulder. The contact zinged clear to her toes and she closed her eyes and told herself one day she wouldn’t miss this spark they shared.
“Wait, Kacie Jo. I need to say something more. It’ll be quick.”
She didn’t want his apologies. She’d already told him that. They were pointless. She shook her head. “Don’t, Donovan. It doesn’t matter.”
“I think it does.”
She stepped away from him wishing she’d ignored her father’s challenge. “What?”
“I made a lot of mistakes the last year. The biggest one was walking away from you.”
“Donovan, please,” Kacie Jo held up her hand to stop him. She didn’t want this. It hurt too much.
“I don’t deserve any more chances from you, and I don’t blame you a bit if you walk away without hearing a word I have to say,” he said.
Kacie Jo didn’t answer, but she wanted to. She wanted to tell him he was right.
“I just want you to know, whatever else happens, I’m getting help now. Ike made some calls, and I’ve been talking to a doctor. I’m not well, but I am getting better.”
“That’s good,” Kacie Jo said, and she meant it. Like he said, whatever else happened, she didn’t want him to hurt forever.
“Anyway,” he said, “I wanted you to know I wouldn’t have had the strength to do this, to try to get through this if it weren’t for you and the baby.”
She wanted to scream leave me out of it, but she didn’t. Instead she pasted on a smile and said the words she should feel. “That’s good, Donovan. Really good. I’m happy for you.” Maybe the words would’ve worked better if she hadn’t started crying.
Turned out the books about pregnancy were right. Raging hormones intensified emotions including those brought on by broken hearts.
She would’ve been okay if he hadn’t reached out then and brushed her tears away before whispering, “Don’t cry.”
She shrugged pitifully. “I thought I was done crying over you.” Even as she said the words she realized she was being far too honest with a man she was divorcing.
“If I could make this better, I would,” he said, and she saw he meant it. But then Donovan had always been sincere. Sincerity didn’t change a thing.
“I loved you so much,” she said, not sure whether she meant the words to hurt or soothe.
“I love you still,” he said, and she pushed away from him. She couldn’t go there again. She just couldn’t.
Chapter Fifteen
Kacie Jo’s summer days were quickly coming to an end. But every time she looked at her files she found herself lost in memories of the lake and of Donovan.
Another week had passed. He’d signed the agreement, and the sixty-day to finally divorced countdown was on.
It would be easier if Donovan hadn’t made a point of being so present in his absence.
He’d tried to send flowers every day and she’d dumped them in the trash twice before telling the florist to deliver them to the women’s shelter. She had a roomful of diapers, a baby swing, and a stroller.
She’d sent the men who’d shown up with a crib away at first, but changed her mind.
The papers in front of her begged for attention, and she sighed. If she couldn’t organize a few lesson plans, how was she ever going to teach a class of kids who needed all the help she could give them?
Finally giving up on the whole mess, she stood and stared out her window. The summer heat soared and the grass had turned brown and yellow. Thank God for air-conditioning.
The sharp ring of her phone grabbed her attention and she answered it even though she didn’t recognize the number. When she heard the voice on the other end, she cringed. Her thoughts had conjured satan.
“Hello, Kacie Jo. I was just wondering if you could tell me where I might find Donovan.”
“No, Sam. I haven’t seen Donovan in a while.”
“I heard about you splitting. That’s a damn shame. Usually I’d be all for it seeing as this frees Donovan up, but he seemed like a different man with you.”
He was. But it wasn’t real. “Thanks, Sam. If I see him, I’ll let him know you called.”
“Wait.”
She really did not want to talk to this man, but she found herself curious to see what he had to say. “Yes?”
“I just wanted to say I remember once in Iraq we were in the middle of a huge gunfight and he was standing there capturing footage. People were blown to hell, and God only knows why we weren’t. I called him a fearless son of a bitch. He told me when you weren’t afraid of dying there wasn’t a lot to worry about. He never was afraid of dying. He was crazy as hell, and he was a damn fine reporter. But with you he was different, and I think that was a good thing."
Kacie Jo swallowed the tears his words brought on. Maybe Sam wasn’t the devil she believed him to be. She could close her eyes and see that look in Donovan’s eyes. He’d always been fearless. “Well, thanks, Sam. Like I said, I’ll tell him you called if I see him.”
Hanging up the phone, she returned to the window. She didn’t want to think about Donovan in the middle of a gun war, didn’t want to think abut him being a damn fine reporter in a situation that might get him killed.
But she couldn’t let herself think of him here either. She needed to get busy living her life. She needed to remember who she’d been before Donovan.
If Sam called again, she wasn’t answering. She didn’t need to think about these things. All the negativity had to be bad for the baby, and it sure was hell on her heart.
After the call Kacie Jo gave in to her restless energy and put away the lesson plans. Instead, she settled for a nice long bubble bath, a paperback book and a relaxation playlist.
Now that the bath was over, she looked at her pruned red skin and the book with its wet edges and wondered why she’d thought a thunderstorm soundtrack would get her mind off Donovan.
Instead, each clap of thunder reminded her of that night at the lake when she’d chosen to make her marriage real.
She threw the book on the bed and shrugged into her white cotton robe before making her way to the living room and turning off the music.
It seemed this night would be one of torment after all. Nothing could erase the memories of her soon to be ex husband.
When an unexpected knock sounded at her door, her heart dropped as it always did these days.
For a week, she’d waited to hear something from Donovan. For a week every knock, ring and message had left her reeling between relief and depression.
Chances were this was one more such knock.
Admit you are powerless. Accept the things you cannot change, change the things you can. Don’t let fear run your life.
Donovan stared at affirmations he’d written as part of his PTSD recovery program. He kept them in his wallet along with the 12 Steps paper his mother had given him and the first letter Kacie Jo had sent to him while he was embedded with troops in a combat zone.
He’d been hellbent on making the world see the truth of war, and then he’d lost himself in the truths of those wars. And then he’d started running instead of facing the truths.
His running days were over. He was fighting for the life he wanted, the woman he wanted. The first step had been seeking help from Ike. The second the sessions he attended up the road at the OKC VA.
He brushed his hands through his close cropped hair and prayed the opening lines of The Serenity Prayer then knocked on the door and waited.
When Kacie Jo opened the door his heart dropped. Dark circles marred her eyes. Wet tendrils of hair escaped her pony tail and she pulled the sash on a white terry cloth robe tight around her round stomach. She took his breath away.
He’d planned this, rehearsed what to say and how to say it. Now though all he could do was say her name.
“Kacie Jo.”
He’d taken out the earring. But his eyes were still the same icy blue and right now they met hers with such intensity she felt naked, exposed.
Close the door right now. Close it and lock it and never let him in again.
“Can I come in?
She thought about telling him to go to hell, but her anger was buried somewhere under ten tons of tired.
She stepped back, opened the door. “Sure.”
His blue button down shirt was starched to perfection. His jeans looked new.
Someone had stolen her once upon a time rebel fantasy and replaced him with this conservative bad boy wanna be.
She hated it! She wanted the long hair and the diamond stud. She liked the t-shirts and old jeans.
“You cut your hair.”
He brushed his hand through the short locks. “It’ll grow back.”
She sat in the chair as far away from him as possible her heart pounding in her chest. “I shouldn’t have let you in here. Grady said our lawyers should take care of the talking from here on out.”
She definitely regretted letting him in when she was dressed in nothing but a bathrobe.
He leaned forward and looked into her eyes. “Are you okay? Really okay?”
She nodded and lied. “I’m fine.”
“And the baby?”
“The baby’s right on target. Everything’s great. I chose not to find out if she’s a girl or a boy.”
He laughed. “If she’s a boy, she’s going to be confused.”
“I can’t call her it. Not right now.”
The look he sent her was so tender, her breath caught. She couldn’t do this. Couldn’t play nice. Not tonight.
She practically jumped out of the chair. “I think you should...”
“You are so incredibly beautiful.” His words interrupted her.
The unfairness of them awakened a bit of her anger. She knew what she looked like.
“Really, Donovan. Grady was right. We should’t talk....”
“Every time I see you I think you’re an example of God’s perfection, and then I think Damn, I lost that. I let you slip through my fingers.”
“No. You threw me away.” She hated the way her voice cracked on the words.
“I did a hell of a lot worse than throw you away, Kacie Jo. I can’t make up for that.”
“No, you can’t,” she said.
For a moment the words hung in the air between them and then he abruptly changed the subject.
“I’m looking at making a career transition.”
The topic change caught her off guard.
“Really?” If it didn’t involve deadly situations, she was all for it. Divorced or not, she wanted her child’s father alive.
“The Caldale Press offices are for sale,” he said handing her a folder of real estate information. “Have been for a while. The paper’s been shut down for over a year. A town this size needs a newspaper, and I can modernize. So I’m going to see about buying it. I figure the new look will help wit
h the loan officers.”
He was staying in town. She forced herself to smile. “That sounds like a plan.”
He looked at his hands and then back into her eyes. This time he paused, fidgeting, before he spoke, looking for all the world like he was as nervous as she was.
“Listen, Kacie Jo, I know I don’t deserve to even be sitting in this house. But I have a favor to ask.”
She shook her head. She was not going to just sit there and let him think…
He interrupted her denial before she spoke. “Wait. Let me finish before you say no. It’s important.”
In her mind she could hear Sam’s voice. Could hear him describing this crazy reporter cheating death. Could hear Donovan’s nightmare moans that night before he left. “Go ahead.”
“I know I messed up. And I understand the divorce. But I think we both owe it to the baby to have some sort of relationship. I’m willing for that relationship to be as friends right now. That’s all I’m asking for here. Friendship.”
“Friendship?” Disbelief rang through her voice.
He nodded. “We tried that at the lake house, remember? But then sex got in the way. I'm not saying I didn't like the sex just fine, but it got in the way big time.”
She sat soaking up his words in silence. If there was one thing Donovan Nelson knew how to do, it was tell a pretty story, and he’d certainly done just that.
“I don’t know, Donovan.”
“I understand, and I don’t blame you a bit. Hell, I’m not sure I’d want to be my friend if I were in your shoes. I can't promise I won't ever be stupid again, but I'll try. I want us to be friends. Real friends."
At least he sounded like he understood. If only…
Donovan interrupted that path of thought with his next words.
“I let life happen, but I didn’t live. And then I let the monsters out there invade my soul. I owe you so much, Kacie Jo. You made me face my demons. I don’t want to sit around all day talking about what I saw, how everything unraveled, how my skin fit too tight one day. I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I’ll always have it. But I can live with it, manage it."