by Liz Lee
Kacie Jo listened to his words. To the truth. But what if….
He held out his hand as if he could read her mind. “Don’t decide now. It’s just something to think about.” He stood. “I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“You’re leaving?” She tried to keep the incredulity out of her voice, but her words had a mind of their own. How could he leave after a speech like that? “I mean, if you’re going to be a friend…” She let the words trail off as he stood there looking at her, making her feel even more naked than usual.
He handed her a large brown envelope and walked to the door before finally answering. “Your favorite color is purple. You wore it to church every Sunday your freshman year. Now you still usually wear it every day, but sometimes it’s not visible. Like the great purple bra and panties you wore the second day we were at the lake.”
She stood there in awe.
He wasn’t finished.
“And you like frosted mini-wheats for breakfast, but only if you eat them within a few minutes of pouring the milk. If you wait too long, they’re soggy and you toss them down the garbage disposal and settle for toast. But you do like to impress with your incredible omelet skill, which I, for one, am incredibly thankful. And this thing I have…” he shook his head as if he were searching for the right words. “It’s a living nightmare when you’re trying to hide from it. I’m not hiding anymore. Good night, Kacie Jo.”
With those words, Donovan let himself out the door. He wasn’t hiding anymore. He had turned the tables. He was seducing her. Not with flashy clothes and invitations for one hot night, but with words that showed he knew her, that he’d known her for a long time. That the honeymoon hadn’t been a waste of time.
Kacie Jo looked down at the envelope he’d handed her at the same time she settled her hands over her stomach. Lately the flutters had grown stronger. They left her awed and afraid. Kind of like Donovan just had.
Sitting, she slowly broke the seal on the envelope and dumped its contents out on her coffee table.
Suddenly she was staring into the black laughing eyes of a girl she’d seen on the news. Anaj Sahrain. The princess. One of the reasons Donovan’s life shattered.
She didn’t bother to look at the white paper beside her pictures, just sat there staring at the beautiful woman who seemed so vibrant.
Not for the first time, Kacie Jo wished pictures could talk. Wished she could ask this beautiful woman about her life, about her time with Donovan. Much the same way she looked at her mother’s photos and wished she could ask her a question about pregnancy or love or heartbreak.
But neither woman could speak from their photos. Both were dead, and both had taken their life’s secrets with them.
Finally, she picked up and slowly unfolded the thick paper’s edges. The writing surprised her, the signature did so even more.
This wasn’t a letter of explanation from Donovan. It was from Ali and it was dated three weeks before.
Dear Kacie Jo,
If you’re reading this, you’ve seen Anaj’s pictures. Let me introduce you. This is Anaj Sarina Sahrain, fourth child of King Abdullah Sahrain of B’en Ai. She was my baby sister, and she is now dead.
If you’re reading this, you and Donovan have reached an understanding of sorts if not more. For that, I am grateful. Anaj would have also been pleased.
When you graduated from college, Donovan spent an entire night telling us of your childhood exploits. When he went in search of your gift, Anaj and I helped him find the veil I understand he gave you.
Anaj would have been pleased with your marriage. She would have liked to know she was right in this as in many of her other premonitions. But she would be hurt by Donovan’s illness.
I don’t know if Donovan has told you the truth of Anaj’s death yet, the parts they didn’t share on the news, but I believe he will. I want you to understand that to us Donovan is a warrior. A true hero.
He saved many men, women and children over the years even though he was supposed to simply cover stories for the American news. He has been embraced by my family for his courage and determination. He is a good man and he will be a good father.
Anaj always believed this about him and I do also.
Anaj loved your husband. But it was a love of respect and honor for a man who refused to separate himself from our society, a man who refused to look at the people of B’en Ai as sources to exploit for his stories.
His refusal to do so hurt him in the end. I hope you can help heal that pain.
Ali Benjamin Sahrain
Kacie Jo let the letter fall to the coffee table next to the glossy photo. Had Donovan asked Ali to do this? Somehow she didn’t think so. She couldn’t see the man she’d met exploiting his sister’s death even to help a friend.
She’d known Donovan lived for his job and that he loved B’en Ai. She hadn’t realized what he’d done and been. She picked up the picture of Anaj and wondered what the girl had seen for Donovan’s future. Had she seen him married to her forever, or had she imagined the divorce? Had she known her own death was so close?
She set the photo on the table and moved to the window. Donovan was long gone, but she could imagine him out on the street, walking, hurting over what had happened to the girl in the photos.
But tonight when she’d met in his eyes, she hadn’t seen hurt or pain. For the first time since they’d returned to Caldale from the lake, no secrets lurked in their depths.
Maybe… She let the thought trail off. She couldn’t live life on maybes.
Chapter Sixteen
The next morning Kacie Jo changed into her sweats and tried eating, but Ali’s letter and Anaj’s pictures kept distracting her.
She slipped on her tennis shoes, thankful she didn’t have to bend and tie them and then opened her door to find Donovan standing there, ready to knock.
His short hair still floored her. “Don’t you have an appointment with a loan officer?” She couldn’t believe her rudeness. She hadn’t even bothered to say hello. But the last thing in the world she needed right then was to see him.
“Yeah, but it’s later. Going for a walk?”
She crossed her arms over her chest. “Yes. I try to walk every morning. Alone. It’s a great stress relief.”
He didn’t get her message. “Want some company?”
She considered telling him no, explaining that the words stress relief and Donovan Nelson would never belong in the same sentence.
He wasn't dressed for a walk in this heat, but whatever.
Donovan waited until they reached the park to make his first move. And for all the times he told himself it was because that was his plan, he knew the real reason. He was scared. Scared she’d say no and send him back to square one.
Finally, he worked up the nerve. “Kacie Jo. Would it be too much if I asked you to hold my hand?”
He almost laughed at the way she stopped suddenly and turned to glare at him. “Yes.” She practically spit out the single word.
He shrugged like it was no big deal even though his heart raced. “It’s just my hand, Kacie Jo. Surely, you can handle that. Plus it’ll be nice. Just two people walking in the morning. That doesn’t mean anything really does it?”
“Fine.” She held out her hand, and he took it in his. He loved the way it felt like he was offering her his protection just by enveloping her smaller fingers in his. Loved the way her hand was soft and warm on his calloused palm.
At first, she walked stiffly beside him, but finally she relaxed and let him set the pace. He didn’t say a word just savored the wonder of walking down the road with her by his side.
The air was warm, but not too bad yet. The wind blew softly, and he could hear birds in the trees and kids playing.
A couple jogged by and he wondered how long it would take before Caldale knew Kacie Jo and Donovan Nelson were holding hands, walking in the park this morning. He was going to love owning a paper in this town.
They rounded the corner and started back to
ward her house, and he had to say something, had to tell her why he was there.
“I came by this morning to talk.”
“I figured you came over for something.”
They walked up the steps to her walkway, and she stopped and looked up at him.
“I’d like to come inside, talk a minute if we can.”
Kacie Jo hesitated, searched his eyes for some unspoken message then finally sighed and opened the door inviting him inside.
The photos of Anaj were still on her coffee table.
“Do they bother you?” Kacie Jo asked.
Donovan was surprised by his answer. “No. Not really.”
“She’s beautiful. Thank you for asking Ali to send them. They help explain….” She let the words trail off, and Donovan nodded.
“They’re only part of the story, Kacie Jo. If you still want to know, I’d like to tell you the rest.”
As he said the words, Kacie Jo stood completely still, indecision in her eyes. When she finally made up her mind, she turned to him, her eyes clear, steady. “I want to know.” Her words were whispered and Donovan understood her fear.
He sat on the couch and hoped she’d sit beside him because he wasn’t sure he could tell her this story if she sat across the room.
She sat beside him, as if she wanted to protect him from his memories.
“I don’t know what Ali wrote.” He had to give himself a few minutes.
“He said you were a hero in B’en Ai. That his family accepted you as a part of them. He said Anaj thought we’d marry.”
Her last statement surprised him, but the rest he knew. “I’m not a hero, Kacie Jo.”
She shook her head. “Don’t put yourself down, Donovan. I saw some of the stories you did. Those weren’t stories by someone who didn’t care.”
In a way, Kacie Jo was right. He had cared about the people he met. The stories he covered. Usually. That’s one reason Anaj’s death had hurt. If he’d done his job the right way, maybe….It didn’t matter. He couldn’t change the past. He could only fight for his future. The future he wanted to share with Kacie Jo.
“I watched Anaj die. Actually, Ali and I stood outside the city wall where her murder took place, and then we had to run like hell to stay alive.”
He still remembered the way the acrid smoke billowed through the air. Still remembered Ali’s promises of retribution and his own desire to kill.
“Her maid said her husband had forbidden western television in his home. That he’d planned on murdering Anaj for months. Of course, we knew that. We had the letter.”
“The letter?”
“Anaj smuggled a letter to Ali and her father begging for help. She told about her fears for her life. A new doctor had declared her infertile. But she didn’t believe it. She didn’t know why her husband wanted her dead, but he’d paid the doctor finely for his diagnosis. Now we know it probably had something to do with the short war that followed. But Ahmad was jealous of the friendship I shared with Ali and Anaj. After the doctor, Anaj discovered her husband was censoring the mail she received and sent. She knew then, and somehow she found a way to get us the message. Her maid would’ve died, too, but we were able to save her. If we had been an hour earlier…."
Kacie Jo covered his hand. “Don’t do that, Donovan. Don’t second guess what can’t be changed.”
Donovan sat back against the couch. “I know it’s pointless to think about.” He shook his head to clear away the memory. “I know you’re right. You might have seen it on the news, but I refused to cover it. At first, I thought I’d be okay with a few days off. I headed to the front lines for what was supposed to be a surprise visit by the President."
Replaying the events in his mind made them seem so powerless.
"I got there a few hours early and convinced the team we should do a story on the education of young girls. We pulled in front of what was supposed to be the safest school in the area almost at the same time the building blew up."
He shook his head and wished he could erase the images of that day.
“After that it was like I developed this evil twin and he took over. Loud noises made me jump. I couldn’t sleep, and when I did, I’d see Anaj or one of a million other deaths playing over and over in my mind. I shook constantly. I finally realized I had to leave when I tried to cover a new school opening and threw up every time I stood in front of the camera.”
He’d lost his mind. Lost the ability to do the job he’d loved.
“Luckily, my bosses agreed and let me out of my contract.”
That was the condensed version, but it would suffice.
“I tried to push all of it to the back of my mind. But then I saw Ali and snapped. I was so afraid I’d go crazy and hurt you or myself. I had to leave, Kacie Jo. I had to get away. Or so I thought.”
He looked at Kacie Jo then. Looked at the way she was watching him, waiting to see if he had more to say. And he did. He wanted to say please forgive me. Give us another chance. Please, let me prove how much I love you. Please, let me have the chance to watch our baby grow in you. Please, let me hold you through the night.
“Why did you wait to tell me, Donovan?”
He’d asked himself the same question. “I don’t know. I guess I didn’t want you to know how messed up I am. I needed to figure this all out on my own. Find my way alone.”
“And now?” She held her hands together so tightly her knuckles were white as she asked the question.
He looked away knowing this answer was the most important thing he’d said all morning. “Now I know alone isn’t the answer. There are no answers in me. I have to trust others to help me, and I have to let the things I can’t control go. It’s a scary realization, but it sure does make life easier.”
She didn’t say anything, so he continued. “It’s funny how my mother gave me that bit of advice. She’s a pretty wise woman.”
Kacie Jo silently tightened her fingers around his, as surprised as he was at the admission.
“I think we might be showing each other the way out of our misery. She helped me see it was time for both of us to stop running, and she was right. For her, it was telling me about my father. For me it’s about accepting help and going after what I really want, what I really need. That brings us right back where we started.”
Donovan stared down into Kacie Jo’s eyes and prayed she understood the true depth of his words. “Because what I want, what I need is you, Kacie Jo. Please, don’t shut me out of your life completely.”
To say yes was to risk everything. Kacie Jo didn't know what to do. Her track record with risk and Donovan wasn’t all that great.
What if he walked away again? There were no guarantees here. And he’d pretty much told her his illness wasn’t something that would just go away.
She could practically hear the crackle of tension in him as he waited to hear her answer.
She couldn’t just say no. But yes wasn't the right answer either. “I don’t know, Donovan. I really don’t know.”
Donovan took her hand in his. Held it to his chest. “Let me earn this, Kacie Jo. Let me at least try.”
Her hand was cold and limp in his. She couldn’t give him the answer he wanted, but she couldn’t pull away either. He was still the same magnet. His heat still embraced her, pulled her toward him.
She turned away. “You said we’d be friends.”
“We will be friends, Kacie Jo. The best of friends.”
She yanked her hand away. “I can do that. I can be your friend. That’s all I can say yes to right now. Okay?”
She waited for him to answer, to say anything. He was disappointed with her answer but willing to try things her way. “Okay.”
He stood then and held out his hand to help her up before they walked to her door together. When he stepped outside, he turned to her. “I’ll think about you today.”
She didn’t figure now was the time to tell him she thought about him every day, every minute, every second.
Sh
e felt off kilter, not at all friendly.
And then he lowered his lips to hers. The gentleness of his kiss surprised her, her reaction scared her even more.
This wasn’t a goodbye. This was a beginning.
Chapter Seventeen
For a month of mornings, Kacie Jo settled for knocks on her door and early walks with Donovan that always ended with kisses that left her hungry for more. Over the course of that month, he opened the Caldale News. His first story was a piece on an orphanage in Juarez. The Caldale Junior League had adopted Maria’s cause and fallen in love with Isabel and the other kids. They were sending money and supplies. Once the roads were safe, they’d send people to help. Donovan thrived on helping others.
Everywhere she went in town people talked about him and the paper. Sometimes, she'd see him on the job, and he'd wave. Twice he stopped by for dinner. Once he took her to a movie in Dallas.
School started. The morning walks moved earlier, and still, he was there.
This morning the wind gusts woke her earlier than normal. As she ate breakfast she turned the television on to wait for Donovan.
The reporter on screen looked nothing like Donovan, but the setting was all too familiar.
Kacie Jo wanted to turn the television off, but the breaking news bar across the top kept her riveted.
Donovan knocked and she debated turning the news off or telling him to come watch with her. It didn't matter if they watched live. The reporters would take whatever happened and turn it into a story everyone could understand. They didn't need to see it all unfold.
Donovan knocked again, and she opened the door and waved him in.
"The trial. It's on the news"
Donovan didn't look surprised. "I know."
Of course he did. "Do you want to come in? They're talking now."
He paused a second before answering, but then shook his head. "I want to go on our walk. If it's still on when we get back, we can watch then.”