A Cross to Bear

by Julieanne Lynch

  Jack ran a hand down over his face, his eyes full of regret. “I’ve no excuse for the way I’ve behaved. If you wish to report this, I won’t stand in your way. I’ve been fooling myself in thinking I could have it all—you, my wife, my family. I’m just an idiot who got greedy. You won’t have to worry about me, Bree. I promise I won’t bother you again.”

  “Jack, I don’t want to cause any more unnecessary pain. This has to end now, okay?” she said. “I can’t bear the thought of anyone else being dragged into our mess. It’s bad enough Jenny hates me. I can’t deal with everyone else assuming I’m some slutty bitch. I don’t want my good family name being branded something it’s not. It’s not fair on me or my parents.”

  At that moment, everything between them died. There was nothing worth salvaging, regardless of how much they had once desired each other. Their lust-driven madness was nothing that merited destroying each other over what they could not control.

  “I’ll smooth things over with Jenny and Molly,” he said. “I’m sorry for the way I’ve behaved. I’ve been nothing but a bastard, acting like some brat who didn’t get his own way. There is nothing more I can say that can ever explain to you how crazy you’ve made me feel. I told myself there was no way in hell I’d ever fall for you, but I did, and I was an idiot. For that alone, please accept my sincerest apologies.”

  “I don’t think there is any way of smoothing things over with Jenny,” Bree said, staring at the road, not wanting to prolong the inevitable. “I guess it’s the end of an era.” She glanced at him briefly. “Some of us move on. Others remain in the past, stuck in their bubbles, unable to enjoy the life they’ve been given.”

  “That’s very profound,” he remarked, and nodded.

  “I’ve done an awful lot of thinking these past few weeks. Some of it has been therapeutic. It’s amazing how we see ourselves through the eyes of someone we’ve let down.”

  “I can see that.”

  Bree smiled at Jack. “I’d better get back,” she said. “I’ve a ton of work to do.”

  “Go on. Go back to your life, Bree. You deserve to be happy.”

  “So do you, Jack.”

  “Yeah, a bottle of scotch tends to do the trick these days.” He tried to force a smile. “But, Bree?”

  “What?” she asked.

  “You weren’t a mistake. That much I can assure you.”

  “I know, and neither were you.”

  Neither said another word as Bree left. Each accepted that their time together hadn’t been in jest.

  There would never be a way of healing the broken bond between her and Jenny. It hurt to even address that, but she accepted that time would be her judge and jury. Whatever came next was down to destiny and the decisions she made from there on in.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  The atmosphere was insane when I entered the GAP house.

  Everyone was buzzing, except for Ethan, who sat drinking a beer, looking as if he’d been told he was a prized dick. He was pissed with the fact that the unexpected news was spreading fast.

  I wasn’t given much breathing space and the questions soon hit me left, right, and center.

  “Have you been in the White House?” someone asked.

  “Your mom must have been set up for life,” another replied.

  None of them could have been further from the truth. My father had only been an idealist with an interest in politics when I’d been conceived. His aspirations had been engineering and building an empire. His legacy had yet to be determined.

  “So, you’re the man of the hour,” Drake remarked, wrapping an arm around my shoulder. “My little golden boy, huh?” He kissed the side of my head before waltzing off to where a group of guys stood, drinking and chatting.

  Tommy came up to me.

  “How much has he had to drink?” I asked.

  “Just a few, nothing more.”

  “He’s in high spirits,” I remarked with curiosity.

  “Well, think about it, it’s not every day you find out your best friend has a famous father, then get to meet the president, who just so happens to be that famous person. It’s a big deal.” Tommy smiled, his face warm and friendly.

  He was right. There had been a lot to adjust to in a short period of time.

  “And how do you feel about the whole thing?”

  “Honestly…” He nodded his head as though he didn’t need to think too hard about his answer. “I’m an easygoing man. I like to run a tight ship. I like my team on top of their game. I don’t like nonsense interfering with any of it. Who you are doesn’t change my ideals. I don’t expect it to change how you see yourself as a team member or being accepted here.”

  “I agree.”

  “Then I don’t think there will be any problems,” he said.

  “But what about His Royal Highness?”

  “Ethan is a big boy. He’ll learn to adjust.”

  “And what if he doesn’t? What if he keeps pushing me? Or worse, my friends?” I wasn’t prepared to let it go unnoticed.

  “That’s something I won’t tolerate. As a pledge master, I have to make sure every single pledge is treated fairly. No one in this fraternity is above those rules, not even Ethan,” he said with a serious expression upon his face.

  “I can accept that,” I replied. “Because the moment I think the shit’s getting nasty, I won’t sit back and let it go on. That’s a promise.”

  “I wouldn’t expect any less of you, Logan.”

  “I’m glad we’re on the same page.” I looked at him, making sure he understood how serious I was.

  “Don’t involve Bree in much of our world, not until the dust settles with Jenny.”

  He’d thrown in the whole mess with Bree and Jenny to make a statement. Part of me hated the fact that he’d brought it up. As things stood, there was no avoiding the subject.

  “You know something, I think this is something for both Bree and Jenny to figure out by themselves,” I said. “I mean, I know how hard this has been on Bree, but trying to put distance between them is only going to allow the wounds to fester. Take it from someone who’s tried that. It doesn’t work.”

  “What do you suggest?” He folded his arms across his chest.

  “We let nature take its course. If it turns ugly, we step in.”

  “You do know that Jenny has a mean right hook?”

  “I saw the damage.” I chuckled. “But in all seriousness, Bree is sorry. If anyone deserves to be held accountable, it’s Jenny’s father. He’s the real asshole here.”

  My blood boiled. I couldn’t allow myself to say his name, a sure sign that I didn’t like the bastard.

  “Jack has a lot to be sorry for,” Tommy remarked. “But Jenny loves her daddy. There’s not much any of us can say that will change how she sees the whole sick situation.”

  Tommy had hit the nail on the head. When it came to Jenny, she was his main priority.

  “So I guess things are tight between you and Jenny,” I remarked.

  “Jenny is a good girl. Troubled in some ways, but I won’t let anyone fuck with her. I mean it, Logan. Bree and Jack—they can take their shit and fuck off elsewhere. I won’t have Jenny upset. I love her too much to let the crap hurt her.”

  It was refreshing to hear Tommy talking passionately about Jenny. I assumed Jenny had been his little lapdog, never taking into account how serious he was about her.

  “I hear you, man. I really do. So, what’s the purpose of tonight’s meeting?” I asked, changing the subject.

  “That, Flipper, shall be revealed.” He switched on the pledge master hat and took center stage.

  “Guys, guys,” he shouted over the room full of young men. “Tonight, as you are aware, our fellow pledge brother, Flipper, has been thrown into the limelight. But after talking and deciding on where he wants to take his pledge, it’s been confirmed that things will continue as they are. As your pledge master, let the games commence.”

  Ethan sneered at me. His eyes narr
owed. I didn’t like the guy, knowing it was mutual. He was everything I couldn’t stand about the whole Greek system. I wasn’t going to let him have the better of me. The moment he stepped up beside Drake, it was easy to see that the stakes had been raised.

  “It’s a good thing you have your men in black outside, Flipper, because the way I see it, things have just gotten very interesting,” he said, trying to belittle me in front of everyone.

  “Who? Those guys?” I replied, pointing to the front of the house. “Oh, I wouldn’t be worrying about them. They’re just here for show.” I winked at him and turned my attention to Spence.

  A look of curiosity spread across Spence’s face. “Are you really intent on being buried alive?” he asked.

  I grinned. “Who said anything about me being the victim?” I chuckled and winked at him.

  “Man, you’re going to get us fucked up, aren’t you?” He grinned.

  “Nah, I’m too busy to give a shit about the prick. But the moment he fucks with me, I’ll tear him apart, brick by brick.”

  Spence’s face lit up like a Christmas tree. It was amusing to see how much the guy lived for drama. To be honest, I kind of enjoyed the thrill I got from not being as laid-back as I had been before.

  “So, any idea what they’ve in store for us?”

  “Not a clue, but I expect they’ll be upping the ante any day now,” Spence replied.

  “Yup, that’s what I thought.”

  As we talked among ourselves, Ethan and Tommy were busy making the rounds, proving to the pledges how close the brotherhood was. To anyone else, it looked pretty solid, but to me, I could see the fractures and the awkwardness between the two. It was all a show, all for the benefit of the house.

  Tommy drew our attention and held up a sheet of paper, making sure we all saw it. “This here is a roster, one with all your names and duties on it. It will be updated on a weekly basis until we hit Hell Week. Every single one of you will have daily tasks. Some will be chores, and others will be tests. The one thing you have to remember is that everything you do from here on in will be held accountable. Your fate will be determined by what you do,” he said, looking at all the pledges, his eyes stopping on me. “Regardless of who you are, you’re expected to fulfill your duties. I don’t wanna hear about your not liking something or getting your hands a little messy. If the shit’s gotta be cleaned, you clean that shit, then you smile. Understand?”

  We all nodded.

  There was no turning back. I was prepared to get my hands dirty and prove a point or two to Ethan. Taking a look at the roster, I saw my name down for bathroom cleaning duties at eight p.m. every night. It seemed as if I was going to be up to the elbows in shit. Great!

  As the night drew to a close, we were all excused. I couldn’t wait to hit the sack. Spence and I walked across the quad. I did my best to ignore the presence of the two guards following me. It didn’t change the fact that I stood out like a sore thumb.

  “Agent Dipshit Number One and Two aren’t doing their best to blend in,” he said, looking back at the two men. “Not inconspicuous at all.”

  I couldn’t help but to laugh. He was right. The two men made it quite obvious that they weren’t attending school. “Yeah, I might have to have a chat with my father about that.”

  “You know something?” he said. “You would never be able to make this shit up.”

  “Why’s that?”

  “Because seriously, who’d ever have imagined the moody, unsociable guy I met on that first day would have been the son of the president, like, seriously?” he remarked with a serious look on his face. “When does this shit ever happen? Not even in the movies, man, and that’s what makes it so friggin’ amazing.”

  “You’re more excited about it than anyone else.” I couldn’t hide my curiosity.

  “Are you crazy? This is, like, the coolest thing ever.” His eyes gleamed. “Just wait until I tell my father. He won’t believe me, but who gives a crap? Not me.”

  Spence wouldn’t stop talking about my father, our pledging, and the fact that I was now his claim to getting laid. It was interesting to hear things from his perspective. Others might have been put off by his enthusiasm, but not me. I found it nice to listen to someone who wasn’t afraid of being honest. I needed to surround myself with more people like Spence, and was thankful I had him as a roommate and friend.

  * * * *

  Jumping into the water cooled me down instantly. I had worked up a sweat and my heart thumped as I began my drills. Twenty-four hours had passed since I had last trained. I didn’t want anything to interfere with my commitment ever again.

  To me, swimming was a test of my personal strength, to see how far I could push my body before I snapped. It wasn’t only a race against the clock or against myself, but also against my teammates. I’d learned from a young age that to succeed, I needed passion and dedication, not just the skill.

  A high-intensity session consisting of three-thousand meters with a warm-up and a warm-down using floats and pull-buoys took place. By the time my session was up, I dragged myself from the pool, my legs aching from the effort.

  “Tough one,” Drake said, catching his breath and picking up his equipment.

  “Yeah,” I said. “I won’t lie. That just near bust my balls.”

  “I feel you, bro. I really do,” he replied.

  “You up for breakfast?”

  “When have you ever known me to turn my nose up at the chance of stuffing my face?” He gave me a serious look, raising an eyebrow.

  “Yup, that’s true,” I replied.

  We got showered, dressed, and made it to the dining hall in time to pack as much food into us as we could before we rushed off to class.

  Life was insane, constantly moving, and the adrenaline never ceased. As much as I tried not to think about it, I enjoyed the rush of fitting into a world I’d never considered worth my time.

  It wasn’t that I had been a snob. I’d convinced myself that college and pro sports weren’t the right mix for me. I’d been wrong all along. It was exactly what I needed. The right mixture of focus, determination and lessons in making the kind of friendships I’d never experienced before.

  Life was good. It was turning itself around and I couldn’t have been happier. In light of the recent events, I saw past the ugliness and focused my attentions on nothing but hope and a future that had all the ingredients that could eventually deliver a happy ending.

  I entered the classroom and took a seat near the front, but not close enough to draw any attention from the professor. Once the lesson began, there would be a very big risk of me falling asleep. Trigonometric and hyperbolic functions were the flavor of the morning. Although my head swarmed with a haze, I somehow pulled it out of the bag.

  The tutor continued talking while writing his examples on the board. “But the graph of cos x will always stay above the graph of ex/2. This is because, even though e−x/2 gets very small, it is always greater than zero. As x gets larger and larger, the difference between the two graphs gets smaller and smaller. Does anyone have any questions?” He looked around the class.

  Everyone, including myself, refused to make eye contact with him.

  “Logan, how about you show us your working out?” he asked.

  My face reddened. I got up and strolled down to the board.

  “Suppose that that x < 0. As x becomes more negative, e−x increases quickly, but ex decreases quickly, so the first part of the sum ex/2 + e−x/2 gets very small. As x gets more and more negative, cos x gets closer and closer to e−x/2. How would you write this, Logan?”

  My brain struggled to make sense of his request. But as I focused, ignoring the people clearing their throats and the odd cough and sneeze, I found myself writing the formula, much to the amusement of my tutor.

  “Well done,” he said, and smiled. “Take your seat.”

  I sat down. The sensation of having eyes focused on the back of my head unnerved me. Nevertheless, I had piqued my clas
smates’ interests. It might have been a pain in the ass, but I was glad I hadn’t fucked up the math. Once lunchtime finally arrived, I was more than ready for food and a little TLC from my girlfriend.

  Bree sat at our usual table, waiting for me to arrive. “You look beat,” she remarked.

  “I feel it,” I replied, and set down my tray. “There’s no point in complaining. How’s your day been?”

  She let out a soft sigh and smiled. “It was okay.”

  “I tried calling you last night, but got your voicemail. Is everything okay?” I asked, sipping at my water.

  “I was tired so I switched my phone off. It was a long day with a lot of craziness, remember?” She looked at me, her eyes sad.

  “Are you sure there’s nothing else?”

  “Honestly, Logan, there’s nothing else.” She sighed. “I sometimes like to switch off from the world, and lose myself in my own little bubble. Sometimes that means turning the phone off. It doesn’t mean anything bad is going on.”

  I studied her for a few moments, before I smiled and nodded. “Okay, I accept that.”

  “Good. Now, fill me in on how things went at the house meeting last night.”

  “That was an interesting few hours. Those guys know how to drink and dish out their orders,” I replied.

  “Uh-oh, you got the roster?”

  “Yup. And guess who’s on toilet duty all week?”

  Bree couldn’t hide how amused she was at my discomfort of having to clean up after a bunch of men, not to mention guys who liked to drink and party. This meant that toilet duty would take on a whole other meaning, a notion not worth running through my head.

  “Baby, believe me, they could have given you something a whole lot worse to do,” she said, chuckling while trying to compose herself.

  “Like what?” I asked, curious as to what was worse than toilet duty.

  “Put it like this. They could have had you running around campus in peanut butter-riddled briefs, making sure that little ass of yours was rubbed raw. Imagine having to stay in those peanut butter-lined pants for a whole day, if not longer, because they choose when they come off.” She smiled and winked at me.