Undaunted Hope

by Jody Hedlund

Ingrid and Gunnar had been surprised to see her the morning after the warehouse fire. They’d been even more shocked to hear that their dad and Alex had been accused of setting the fire and subsequently arrested. But even though they’d been worried, they handled the stress with a maturity that had nearly broken her heart.

  She hadn’t told them her news, that she’d been fired from her job and banned from living with any of the miner families or at any of the company-owned hotels and establishments. But they learned soon enough when the schoolhouse remained closed with a notice posted on the door that classes were canceled until a new teacher could be hired.

  The lighthouse had been her only refuge. The one place in the world she’d never wanted to live had turned out to be the only place she could live.

  “God sure has a sense of humor,” she said with a half smile. “I’ve always tried to stay as far away as possible from lighthouses, and here I am the acting lightkeeper.”

  Gunnar smiled, and the crooked tilt of it reminded her of Alex and sent a pang through her chest. “Maybe God is trying to make you less afraid of lighthouses,” Gunnar offered.

  She started to protest, to tell Gunnar that she wasn’t afraid of lighthouses. But she stopped and stared first at the lens, then at the lake. Was she afraid?

  For so long she’d blamed the lighthouse and lakes for all the deaths and problems in her family. She didn’t deny that she’d been angry and bitter. But maybe she was afraid too.

  Had God placed her here at the Eagle Harbor Lighthouse time after time this year so that she’d have to face her fears? If so, she’d resisted His plan all along. She’d dragged her feet, determined not to have anything to do with the lighthouse or the men who lived in it.

  After resisting all this time, had God decided to give her one last chance to face her fears? One last big chance?

  She closed her eyes. “God hath not given us a spirit of fear; but of power, of love, and of a sound mind.” The verse resounded in her mind. Part of her knew that one of the best ways to overcome any fear was to face it head on and walk through it, instead of trying to run away from it. Once she persevered and made it to the other side, the fear would be less menacing and less controlling. It was just the process of getting there that was so difficult.

  “I think you might be on to something, Gunnar,” she said, opening her eyes and smiling at him again. “Maybe God is trying to teach me to stop running away from the things I fear—starting with this lighthouse.”

  After all, she couldn’t blame the lighthouse or the lake for her lost loved ones any more than she could blame the mine for losing Henry Benney or illness for taking lives. If so, then she’d have to stay away from everyone so that she never got hurt again, and that was unrealistic.

  The truth was she could lose those she loved at any moment, anywhere, and under any circumstance. She couldn’t let her fear of losing stop her from loving.

  Gunnar nodded shyly as he picked up one of the cloths used for cleaning the prisms. She reached for one too. He started shining the bull’s-eye at the larger middle part of the lantern. She rounded to the opposite side and started wiping the prisms across from him.

  “I don’t mind doing the cleaning, Miss Taylor,” Gunnar said.

  “I know you don’t. But the only way I’m going to stop being afraid is by doing the things I don’t want to do.”

  His smile widened.

  Even though her heart and body protested having to touch the lantern, and even though everything within her urged her to finish quickly and make her escape, she forced her hand to keep wiping.

  “Will they ever be back?” Gunnar asked, his voice hoarse with emotion.

  She didn’t have to ask who he meant by they. Gunnar hadn’t asked many questions about what had happened. As with most things, he seemed to accept the situation and work at making the best of it. He was turning into a fine young man with the best qualities of both Michael and Alex. And he deserved an honest answer.

  Her notes from Alex hadn’t given her much information, but she’d gathered enough to know that Percival was waiting for travel to resume on the lakes. Once the first steamer arrived, he was planning to escort the two brothers to a prison in Detroit. Apparently he’d even arranged for two of his miners to accompany him to testify against the brothers.

  She didn’t know how she’d be able to defend Michael and Alex. Still, she’d have to go with them, find them a lawyer, and do whatever she could to plead for their innocence. It would be hard, especially since Percival had developed a case against them, and no one was willing to contradict him.

  Her heart grew heavy every time she thought about her part in their arrest. Percival had never liked Alex, but if Alex hadn’t come to her defense and beat up Percival after the funeral, she suspected that things wouldn’t have spiraled so far out of control.

  Now Percival was not only punishing her by firing her but by locking up Alex too. Percival had probably guessed how much she’d grown to care about Alex and knew that he’d cause her the most pain by hurting Alex.

  She paused in her cleaning and met Gunnar’s serious gaze. “I’m sorry, Gunnar. I wish I could promise you that they’ll be released once the judge hears the truth, but I just don’t know.”

  Gunnar’s shoulders slumped, but he continued wiping.

  She wouldn’t voice her worry that Alex might not even make it to a trial. Percival was a dangerous man. If he’d killed before, she had no doubt he’d do it again. Already she’d learned through Samuel that the prisoners weren’t getting much food, and for the past couple of days she’d managed to sneak some provisions to them through Samuel.

  Yet everyone in the community was hungry. The last of the food had burned up in the warehouse fire, and now they had almost nothing until the first steamers arrived from the southern ports.

  Percival had apparently rationed out the remaining food in the store, which hadn’t been much. The miners had organized into groups for hunting and fishing, but so far they hadn’t been able to keep up with the needs of the community. The game was scarce, and what they did find was thin and meatless after the long winter. Even the wild animals were suffering.

  Tessa had been careful with the remaining food in the lighthouse pantry, and although she’d been stingy, particularly with herself, she’d started to scrape the bottoms of the barrels.

  “Miss Taylor?” Ingrid’s voice came from below the hatch.

  Tessa stepped over to the hole in the floor and peered down the stairway to see Ingrid slowly limping her way up. Dismay settled on her as it did whenever she thought about how Ingrid might not get the surgery she needed, not with all the expenses they would incur with traveling and hiring a lawyer.

  “Good morning.” Tessa forced a smile.

  Ingrid’s eyes had dark circles around them, and her bones poked through her clothing. The girl couldn’t afford not to eat. She was thin enough to begin with.

  “Someone is here to see you,” Ingrid said in a small voice without returning Tessa’s smile. With each passing day that the men were locked up, Ingrid was having a harder time keeping up a brave front.

  “Who is it?”

  “It’s Josie Rawlings.”

  Tessa started down the stairs, her heartbeat rushing in rhythm to her footsteps. She hadn’t seen any of the Rawlingses since the night of the fire, after she’d packed her belongings and walked to the lighthouse.

  Before she’d left, Nadine had whispered angry curses against Percival. She’d even muttered some against her husband once she learned of his role in arresting Alex and Michael. But she hadn’t made an effort to stop Tessa. In fact, she told Tessa that she wished she could help her, but to do so would only bring swift and severe repercussions on their family.

  Tessa had squeezed Nadine’s hand and told her not to worry, that she would be all right. She hadn’t wanted anyone else to get hurt on account of her.

  So why was Josie here now?

  Ingrid led Tessa through the kitchen to the woodshed. T
here in the dark shadows of dawn, Josie stood inside the back door. She shifted nervously and glanced through the crack of open door toward the lighthouse yard.

  “Josie?” Tessa ducked into the lean-to with its low roof.

  Josie jumped and pressed a hand against her chest. “You startled me.”

  “I’m rather surprised to see you here as well,” Tessa said, unable to muster the anger she knew she should feel toward the girl for telling Percival about her time at the mine with Alex.

  As if thinking the same thing, Josie lowered her eyes and rubbed the tip of her boot into the dust and wood shavings that covered the floor.

  “It’s good to see you,” Tessa said, realizing it was true. No matter Josie’s faults, she appreciated that the girl was here at that moment, that she’d been brave enough to come see her when no one else had.

  “I didn’t think you’d ever want to see me again.” Josie’s coat hung too loosely over her frame.

  Conditions were worse than Tessa had realized. Fresh worry flooded her at the thought of how hungry Alex and Michael must be if everyone else was suffering so badly.

  Tessa squeezed Josie’s shoulder, the bones underneath protruding against her fingers. “I forgive you, Josie.” The words came easily, and Tessa felt free once she’d said them.

  “I didn’t mean for Mr. Updegraff to find out.” The words rushed out as Josie lifted her guilt-ridden eyes. “But he threatened to tell my mamm about my new beau if I didn’t answer his questions about your relationship with the lightkeepers.”

  “He didn’t hurt you, did he?”

  Josie shook her head.

  “Good, because if he did, I would have had to blacken his other eye.” She wanted to lighten the situation, to show Josie the grace she herself hadn’t received long ago after her mistake.

  Josie didn’t smile, but instead hung her head further. “You don’t have to be nice to me, Miss Taylor. I don’t deserve it.”

  Tessa reached out and touched Josie’s chin and lifted her face so that the girl had to look into her eyes. “I made mistakes in my past too, Josie. The important thing is to learn from them and to move forward and do better the next time.”

  Josie nodded. After another silent moment, she brought her hand out from behind her back and held out several glistening trout that were still wiggling on the line strung through their gills. “These are for you. Dad and the boys caught them this morning.”

  Tessa shook her head. “No, you take them to your family—”

  “Mamm will slap me senseless if I return with them.”

  “But you’re hungry too.”

  “She’s worried about you and the children.”

  “Tell her we’re surviving.” Tears rose quickly at the thought of Nadine’s concern. She hadn’t expected it, but thanked the Lord for Nadine’s willingness to reach out to her and reassure her that she cared in spite of learning about Tessa’s past.

  “She said if you don’t need them,” Josie said, peeking out the crack in the door again, “that maybe you could find a way to get them to Alex and Michael.”

  Tessa nodded. “I’ll cook them up and take them to Alex and Michael today.”

  Josie hesitated as if she wanted to say more but didn’t know how to start.

  Tessa waited patiently.

  “I have to go,” Josie finally said. She opened the door slowly and looked around.

  “Be careful, Josie,” Tessa warned. “Don’t let anyone see you.”

  “You don’t have to worry about anyone seeing me. Remember, I’m the expert at sneaking around.”

  Tessa smiled, but Josie had already slipped outside where she disappeared among the shadows.

  Alex stared at the bars that covered the lone window in the door. He’d already tried a hundred times to find a way to escape. But apparently Percival had built the cell more compactly than a copper penny. The brick walls didn’t budge. The door was a solid unshakable slab. The ceiling was hard and plastered.

  The room was dank, the only light coming from the window in the door. The stench from the chamber pot mingled with the odor of mildew growing on the floor and walls. At the moment, however, the constant gnawing ache in his stomach had taken his mind from the foulness of the place. He could think of little but his hunger, which hadn’t been appeased by the few small morsels Samuel had handed them through the window. The water bucket in the corner was nearly empty now, and he’d begun to ration it for fear that Percival wouldn’t refill it.

  Michael lay on a pallet on the floor, his eyes closed, his chest barely rising and falling. Alex had tried to give Michael the greater share of the water and food, but Michael had stubbornly refused until finally last night they’d had another fight. Alex berated Michael once again for getting involved the night of the fire. If only Michael had stayed back at the lighthouse. If only Michael hadn’t stepped forward to stop him from hitting Percival. If only Michael hadn’t said anything at all and stayed out of the whole affair.

  Alex heaved a sigh and leaned his head back against the wall. The if onlys played through his head numerous times every day, a futile litany. He couldn’t change anything now. The only thing he could do was make sure Michael survived, and then once they finally had some semblance of law besides Percival, he’d plead Michael’s innocence.

  “You’re worrying again,” Michael said in a hoarse whisper.

  “I’ve got to think of some way to save you.”

  Michael opened one of his eyes a crack. “Stop trying to be my savior.”

  Anger and frustration wound through Alex’s gut. “Maybe if you tried saving yourself, then I wouldn’t need to.”

  Michael closed his eyes again and resumed his shallow breathing.

  Alex shifted his legs away from the cold floor and brought them up to his chest. He wrapped his arms around them to keep himself from reaching out to Michael and yanking him up. He wanted to yell at his brother, hit him, and force him to agree to fight for his survival.

  Instead he had to sit back and watch Michael waste away. For once, there was nothing he could do to help Michael. He was utterly powerless to rescue his brother this time.

  “You can’t always make things better for me.” Michael’s voice was stronger and startled Alex with its clarity. “I’ve relied on you a lot since Rachel died. Maybe too much at times.”

  “I’ve wanted to be there for you,” Alex assured him. “That’s what family’s for.”

  “You’ve been a blessing to me, Alex.” Michael opened both eyes and shifted his head sideways so that he was looking directly at his brother. “I can’t thank you enough for all you’ve done for me these past years.”

  Alex swallowed a sudden lump of emotion. “There’s no need for thanks—”

  “Yes, there is. I’ve been a cad for not letting you know how much I appreciate all you’ve done. You’ve sacrificed a lot for me and the children.”

  “You’ve told me thanks plenty of times.”

  “But not like this. Not for putting your life on hold so that you could help fix mine.”

  For a moment, Alex couldn’t think of a suitable response. He had to admit, he was touched that Michael was acknowledging all his sacrifices. Of course, he hadn’t done any of it for accolades. He’d meant what he said about not needing any thanks. It was satisfying, though, to know that everything he’d done had meant something to Michael.

  “The thing is,” Michael continued, “I’m not the same man I was when Rachel died.”

  “You’re not?” Alex didn’t see much change.

  “No. I’m working on changing,” Michael said as if reading Alex’s mind. “I’m making more of an effort. And now I think it’s time for you to stop putting your life on hold for my sake.”

  “I’m not putting my life on hold,” Alex said quickly. “This is where I want to be.” He grinned and glanced around the cell. “Well, I don’t actually want to be here, but you know what I mean. I want to be with you—with family. I don’t want to be anywhere else.”<
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  Michael pushed himself up on one elbow and his expression tightened. “I also think it’s time for me to stop relying on you so much and try to make it on my own.”

  Alex felt his grin fade. “Why would you want to make it on your own? We make a great team.”

  “I rely on you too much. Sometimes I wonder if I can even make it now without you.”

  “You’ve got two kids and a full-time job. Of course you need my help. That’s only natural.”

  Michael’s brows furrowed above sad eyes.

  “Like I said,” Alex continued, “family helps family. That’s the way God intended it. That’s what Dad always did, and that’s what I’m going to do.”

  “And like I said, I appreciate it. I’m grateful for all you’ve done these past years. But . . .”

  “But what?”

  “But I’ve got to start standing on my own two feet.”

  Alex shook his head. “So that’s why you’ve been flat on your back all week, Michael? Sprawled out on that pallet like you’re about to die.”

  “I’m conserving energy.”

  Alex snorted.

  Michael grinned and fell back against the floor with an oomph.

  Alex sat back and tried to ease the tension from his shoulders, the tension that had been building with each passing day of watching Michael grow weaker and more listless. He didn’t quite know what to make of everything Michael was saying. Was Michael rejecting him, or was he finally starting to think and feel again instead of going through the motions of life?

  Unsteady footsteps in the hallway outside the cell alerted him to Samuel’s approach. After several more seconds, Samuel’s bald head and fleshy face filled the window. “Are you still there?” he asked.

  Hidden in the shadows, Alex supposed Samuel had a hard time seeing inside the cell. For a second he debated pretending that they weren’t there anymore. Maybe then Samuel would open the door to investigate. Alex could wrestle Samuel down, and they could break free.

  One glance at the worry in Samuel’s innocent eyes made Alex put the thought out of his mind. He couldn’t hurt Samuel.

  “We’re still here, Samuel,” he said as he would to Ingrid.