Sebastian fingered his daughter’s hair as tears fell down his cheek onto the fabric of the casket. “Goodbye, Baby Girl. Don’t be afraid. Daddy loves you.”
Expecting they would walk back out to the lobby, Sebastian surprised Pax when he walked over to the largest of the three caskets. He seemed to hesitate before reaching out to touch his former wife’s dark hair.
“I am so sorry, Melissa. I know things were hard. Thank you so much for the girls. They will always be my greatest achievement in life.”
Sebastian bent over the casket, his body wracked with quiet sobs. When he regained his composure, Pax took him by the hand and led him out of the room, the overwhelming scent of fresh flowers and sorrow still permeating everything they touched.
Chapter Fifteen
After the funeral, everything passed in a blur. Seb didn’t even remember getting into the car until he glanced up. Looking through the side window, Seb’s eyes narrowed, seeing Rick’s black town car lead the procession to the cemetery.
Once the graveside service began, Seb stared through the lenses of his dark sunglasses at the three caskets. Tears lodged in his throat. Loosening his tie, Seb needed to escape, but how could he? Would he ever be able to live with his loss?
Ignoring the look of shock on Rick’s face, he walked away from the tent, and leaned next to a tall memorial marker several yards away. He felt a hand on his back. A quick glance over his shoulder confirmed what he suspected. Pax. With her touch, his shoulders shook, releasing pent up emotions he had held back for the majority of the past few days. Pax pressed her face to his back while her arms wrapped around his chest to embrace him.
After a few moments, Seb turned to her and looked up, taking in his surroundings, his tears easing.
“It’s interesting to me how peaceful a cemetery is. I suppose that’s the point though. It’s a place where family can come and find respite or calm or maybe just solitude in their grief.” He crossed his arms across his chest. ”But I don’t know if I will ever be able to do it. How can I come back knowing my girls are here? Seeing an engraved marker with their names, reminding me of how little time I had with them. How can that be comforting? I don’t want to think about them being here. I want them with me, right now, forever.”
“No one said you ever have to come back here. Besides your girls, they aren’t here. They are here…” She pointed to the center of his chest. “Here in your heart is where you will always have your girls. No matter where you go, they go with you. Their smiles and their laughter, those are things which can never be taken away from you. Those are yours forever. Just because they aren’t with you in a physical sense, doesn’t mean they’ve left you.”
He started to turn away but she pulled his chin back so he faced her again. “I know it sounds trite and silly, but I believe it. Love doesn’t vanish because of death. Love can even be strengthened through death because we tend to remember the wonderful aspects of people’s lives more than anything else. Besides, I believe your girls are now in a place where they will never have to know true sorrow or pain. They are happy and at peace for eternity. As difficult as death can be, knowing the joy of the other side can bring great comfort.”
Taking her hand into his, Sebastian looked down shaking his head. “I don’t know, Pax. I don’t know what to believe. The only thing I know right now is my world is shattering into a million pieces, and I have no idea how to put it back together.”
Paxson remained quiet, but when he looked up, he saw the traces of tears track down her cheek. He gathered her to himself, hanging on for dear life to the only person he felt he could count on.
****
After waiting for the service to end and the crowd to disperse, Pax and Sebastian walked back to the burial site. The workers, beginning their final preparations, noticed them approach the tent and silently backed a few feet away.
Sebastian placed one hand on the two small caskets and closed his eyes.
“Did I tell you both of my girls loved music? When I was with them, the radio, the TV, MP3 player, whatever always blared. They sang their hearts out whenever a song came on the radio they knew. It always made me smile hearing their sweet voices try to match those on the radio. Would you do me a favor, Pax? Would you sing something for them? For me?”
Though surprised at his request, she knew she couldn’t refuse him. “Of course, Seb. Do you have something in mind?”
“The song you sang at the hospital. I never heard it before, but it’s something they would have liked, I’m sure.”
Steeling herself, Paxson took a deep breath and began to sing. Thoughts swirled through her mind of two little girls dancing with their daddy to silly songs on the radio. She sang, imagining Seb embracing them and kissing them when he walked in the door after several months away. She reflected on the images of their sweet smiles she’d seen in pictures all over his house. Pax hoped this simple act would bring him some peace.
The last note left her lips; Seb’s hands remained motionless on their caskets. Raising his head, his eyes shielded behind his dark sunglasses he turned toward her, lip quivering with emotion.
Pangs of sorrow touched her heart. How could she help him through this? Uncertainty filled her voice. “Sebastian, would you like if I said a prayer?”
He reached for her hand not saying a word.
Dear Lord. Today has been hard. I know it is the hardest day Sebastian has ever experienced and I also know the next few days will be just as difficult. I ask you, Lord to please be with Sebastian today and in the coming days, weeks and years as he struggles with missing his girls. Help him dear Lord to remember the times which brought him joy. The days they were born, the days they took their first steps and said their first words. Help him to cherish those memories and realize they are there for his comfort. Be with Rick as he has lost his wife, and be with the rest of the family who has had to endure such a terrible tragedy.
Dear Lord, be with the young man whose choice to drink and drive led to the untimely deaths of these three dear ones. Help him to realize the error of his ways, and give him a heart of repentance. And finally, dear Lord, thank You for allowing Ashlynn and Maggie to be a part of Sebastian’s life for as long as they were on this earth. Thank you for loving Sebastian enough to give him two beautiful girls who loved him no matter what. Help us all to have the heart of a child in all that we do. I ask this all in your most loving Son’s name, Amen.
Her eyes still closed, she felt a gentle breath across her face, as Seb whispered in her ear, “Thank you.”
Chapter Sixteen
Knowing it to be far down on his list of things he wanted to do, Pax encouraged Seb to return with the family to Rick’s after leaving the cemetery. Once they entered Rick’s home, Seb never let her linger too far away from his side. Planning to help the ladies in the kitchen, Pax didn’t get two feet when she felt Seb’s hand on her arm. His face offered a silent plea. She nodded, standing beside him, greeting everyone who offered their condolences.
Receiving the whispered words of sorrow and hugs of comfort, Pax wasn’t surprised to see Linc and Traci approach. Linc told her before they left for California he would see her at the funeral. A better friend, Seb couldn’t find.
Behind them an attractive Hispanic man seemed unsure of what to do. Constantly in motion, he moved his hands from his pockets to clasping them behind his back only to return them to his pockets. Paxson didn’t need a formal introduction to know this was Durango Cortez.
Rangy reached Seb, grabbing him as if his life depended on it. Obvious in their love for each other, they embraced for several minutes. When Seb released Rangy, he leaned over putting his arm around Paxson.
“Rangy, this is Paxson, who I told you about. Paxson, this is my scalawag friend and best of pals, Durango Cortez.”
Rangy’s gaze dropped, color filling his face at Seb’s description.
Extending her hand, Pax smiled at the handsome man. “It is certainly nice to finally meet you, Durango. Seb speaks
of you often, although I’m not sure you would appreciate the stories.” Her teasing brought the desired effect when a smile graced his dark features.
“It’s real nice to meet you too ma’am. Although I do wish the circumstances were better. Seb surely has taken a liking to you, that’s for sure. I can certainly see he didn’t over exaggerate in his description. You are as pretty as the morning sun after a dark rainy night.”
Paxson felt heat rise in her cheeks. “You are too sweet, Durango. And I don’t care what Sebastian says, I like you.”
His dark eyes became wet with emotion. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there that night, Seb. When Linc called, I couldn’t believe my ears. I wanted to be there, please know that.”
“I know Rangy. Don’t worry about it. You being here now means the world to me.”
Gingerly nudging Rangy with his arm, Seb pointed in the direction of the kitchen. “Go on with yourself Rangy and get something to eat. There’s plenty to be had and I figure you haven’t had your second lunch today.”
After another brief hug Rangy followed Linc and Traci into the other room. “You’re right, Seb. He is truly a down-to-earth guy. I’m glad he and Linc came to support you.”
“If there are two people in the world I know will always have my back, it is Linc and Rangy. I knew they would be here, even if they had to drive all night from St. Louis to do it.”
****
Eventually, as the last of the guests left and only a small number of family members remained, Pax helped clear dishes and clean the kitchen. Seb, after saying his goodbyes to Linc, Traci, and Rangy, found his parents on a couch in the sunroom off the kitchen. Since their arrival three days ago, they hadn’t had much opportunity to visit. Right now, he felt the urge to share in their company.
“Hey Momma. How are you doing? You didn’t stand too long did you?” He sat beside her, giving her arm a gentle rub.
“No, Seb, I’m fine. Your daddy has taken great pains to ensure I didn’t overdo it.”
“That’s right, son. I pushed her toward this couch the first opportunity I had.”
Seb smiled when his dad put his arm around his mom’s shoulders in a loving embrace. He had wished for this type of marriage when he’d asked Melissa to marry him. But he knew they both grossly underestimated the amount of work it took to have a successful relationship. He’d discovered through his rocky relationship with Mel, his parents made it look easy.
His eyes strayed to the kitchen where he could see Paxson cleaning up dishes and putting things in the refrigerator. Could Paxson be someone he could have that type of relationship with? Maybe. But Sebastian still didn’t know if it was a road he wanted to travel down again.
“She’s a good one, Seb.”
Startled, he swung his head around to face his mother. “I’m sorry. What did you say?”
“I see you looking in there at her. From the short time I have been able to visit with her, she seems like a thoughtful and considerate girl. In fact, I believe this is the first girl with real depth you have brought home in a long time.”
He looked again at Paxson, appreciating her quiet and gentle spirit.
“She is a good girl, Mama. We have a good time together and I like her. I’m just not sure I ever want to go through all that again. I couldn’t handle another marriage like the one with Melissa. Our daughters were my greatest joy and now that they’re gone, I’m not sure I would be worth having around.”
His father squeezed his knee. “Seb, you can’t keep thinking every relationship will end up like your marriage. You and Melissa were young and didn’t have an idea what you were getting into. You’re older and, I hope, wiser now. Surely you know flitting from girl to girl is not the way to be happy.”
“I don’t know, Dad. Sometimes I think it’s the only way.”
Paxson entered the room wiping her hands on a dishcloth. “Margaret, Alex, can I get you anything? Something to drink perhaps?”
“No, thank you, dear. Why don’t you sit down for a while? You’ve been on your feet all day.” Seb’s Mom pointed toward the overstuffed chair to the right of the couch.
“Thank you, Margaret. I might take you up on it. My dogs are barking you might say.” Relaxing in the chair, she slipped off her heels to rub her feet.
“Actually, before I forget…Seb, could you tell me how I might get a cab?”
“What? Why do you need to call a cab? You aren’t leaving are you?” Seb scooted forward on the couch ready to spring to his feet.
“Oh, no. But I will need one tomorrow. I found a church about twenty miles from here I would like to meet with in the morning.”
Her soft reply eased Seb’s mind. “Oh. Um, well there’s no need to call a cab. I’ve got two cars in the garage at my house. You’re welcome to use one of those if you like.”
“I don’t think I would be comfortable driving one of your cars…. I would be so nervous I would wreck in spite of myself. I can easily take a cab.”
“Don’t worry about getting a taxi. That’s silly. Take one of my cars.”
Reaching across to the couch, she rested her hand on his. “Oh, I don’t know. It’s too much.”
“It’s not a problem at all. I’m glad to repay some of the kindness you have shown me and my family the past few days.”
“Well, since you put it that way. I accept your offer. Thank you.”
Margaret leaned forward to face them both. “What’s your plan for the rest of the day, Sebastian? I think your Dad and I are a ready to go back to the house and rest.”
“I’ve been thinking about heading to the beach for a little while. Pax, would you like to see the Pacific Ocean?”
Paxson’s eyes lit up. “I would if you want to, Bash, I haven’t seen it since I was in college and came to the coast on a recruiting trip for college.”
“Good. We’ll run by the house so you can change clothes and then go.”
Just thinking of the beach gave him an overwhelming sense of peace. He loved going there, listening to the waves crash on the shore. A quiet place of reflection for Seb, he looked forward to sharing it with Pax.
Chapter Seventeen
At Sebastian’s house, Pax climbed the stairs to the second floor guest room. Nervous at first when Sebastian told her she would be staying at his condo, her fears were allayed when he mentioned his parents would be there, too. Pax didn’t want to tell him she wasn’t comfortable staying in a house alone with him. But after seeing they each had their own floor, she relaxed. Wealth certainly had its privileges.
She changed clothes and came down the stairs. Not finding Sebastian on the ground floor, she looked up to the open hallway of the third floor. A shadow reflected on an open door, presumably Seb.
The soft carpet beneath her feet muffled her footsteps as she padded up the steps and down the hall to the open room, pausing in the doorway. A soft sob from inside became a blow to her heart. Dolls and stuffed animals cluttered the room. I’m intruding… She backed up a step.
“Pax. Wait. You can come in. I don’t mind.”
She treaded quietly across the white carpet, taking in the room full of toys and drawings made by a small child’s hand. The walls held photos of Seb with each girl. Shelves lined one wall, full of various books for each age. Two twin beds rested against the farthest wall, a large picture window in between.
“I know it seems silly, but when they came to stay with me, they enjoyed sharing a room. Even though they were in my house, the surroundings were strange to them. I think they felt more comfortable together. I assumed when they grew to be teenagers, Ashlynn would ask for the bedroom downstairs.” Sebastian’s voice broke.
Dear Lord. Please be with Seb. He is crumbling, and I don’t know what to do or say.
His voice interrupted her silent prayer. “I guess I don’t have to worry about it now. I don’t have to fret over the silly arguments over inconsequential things. I don’t have to wonder about what boys they’re seeing, and where they might be taking them. I don’t
have to be concerned about any of it anymore.” Collapsing on the bed nearest him, he put his head in his hands. “I would give everything I own in this world to have all those cares and concerns if it meant I could have them back. Oh please. Can’t I just have them back?”
Encircling him with her arms, Pax bit back her own tears.
****
Seb loaded up his old Jeep and put the top down so the breeze blew through his hair, hoping to clear his mind. Today had been more difficult than expected, but now he feared every day thereafter would only be harder. Waking up each morning, knowing his girls were gone, would be more of a challenge than he realized.
Paxson sat beside him, her hand resting lightly on his. She seemed to know what he needed at any given time. Like right now, she knew words were not as important as the calm reassurance of her touch. Part of Seb felt relieved she knew him so well. But the other part of him knew this trip out to the coast, even if for tragic reasons, would not change the way she felt about him in regard to a relationship.
Shoot. I don’t deserve her, especially after how I acted. She’s too good to be tied with someone like me. After they returned to St. Louis, he knew she would want to part ways. He couldn’t be the man she wanted but, until then, he would soak up every minute with her.
Parking the Jeep a few feet away from the steps leading down to the sand, he next grabbed a blanket and cooler from the back seat, and then reached for Paxson. They walked down to the beach arm in arm. Releasing her, he placed the cooler on the sand, and the folded blanket on top. He crossed his arms over his chest and closed his eyes. For a few seconds the sounds of the ocean enveloped him.
To Seb, the crashing of the waves resembled the power of sadness within him. With every wave washing up on shore, he felt another wave of sorrow spill from his heart to swamp him. Why am I here and my girls gone? He wanted to yell, and scream, and tear his hair out. He wanted answers. Opening his eyes, he stared out over the water for a few minutes and then spread out the blanket and sat down. Unspeaking, Paxson knelt beside him with her eyes closed. He turned to stare at her, longing for the peace she experienced.
Just a Little Faith Page 9