Bitter Sweet Love

by R. C. Stephens

  “Alexis, get your ass in here.”

  Her voice so close to me scares me so much that I almost fly in the air. “Yes, Mom?” I reply with my politest, most well-behaved tone. But my heart races, my breathing is shallow, and my first instinct is to run. But I have nowhere to go, and I know she’ll chase me. She’s done it before.

  She narrows her eyes at me in the evil way she usually does. “Look at you, you stupid bitch. You think you’re better than me? You look just like that asshole of a father you have.”

  I stare at the ground.

  “Where’s your sister? Make her something for dinner!” she snaps, waving me off.

  I never make direct eye contact; I stay quiet as a mouse, hoping she’ll just go away. Sometimes it works, but other times, it pisses her off even more.

  “Sure, no problem. I can make her something.” My head bowed down, I give an answer that sounds more like a whimper, scared of doing anything that may cause her to lift a fist.

  Then she turns back around. “I want to eat, too. I haven’t eaten all day.”

  I walk out of her room and head straight for the kitchen. I sweat, hating the way my hands shake, wishing I could run outside and ride my bike like a normal kid.

  In the kitchen I prepare a pan on the stove to make macaroni and cheese. “Where the fuck are you? Stupid bitch! I’m hungry!” The scream startles me, and I drop the fork covered in macaroni on the floor.

  When I bring her the mac and cheese, Mom’s eyes widen. “What is this shit? You expect me to eat this?”

  She grabs the bowl from my hand and whips it hard at my head; the very hot macaroni sears my skin. I scream in pain, and hearing my yell from her room, Ashley comes running.

  “What’s going on, Lex? Are you hurt?” Her beautiful blue eyes are plagued with fear, her tan skin paled by the horror in front of her.

  “Get out of here, Ash. Get back into your room, and don’t come out until I call you.”

  “But you’re hurt,” she says, tears dripping down her face.

  “Just go!” I scream.

  I don’t mean to be harsh, but I don’t want her getting caught in Mom’s crossfire.

  Mom’s lips tug up at the corners, and with a quiet, sweet voice, she says, “Oh! What a good big sister.” Then she flips, her voice becoming loud and domineering. “You think you need to protect her from me? I’m not stupid. Come here, and I’ll show what you need protecting from.”

  I go because I have no choice. She smacks me hard across the face. Once then twice. She still wears the large diamond ring my father bought her, so her slap stings even more. She hits me relentlessly, pounding on my back wildly, flailing with both of her hands. Her high-pitched screams mark my nights with terror.

  “Stand up, you bitch. You don’t seem so brave now.” I stand, and she backhands me hard, drawing blood from my eye. At the sight of my blood, it’s as if a light goes off in her mind, and finally, she stops.

  I escape to our front porch, where I usually go at night. The fresh night air usually calms me down. My eye burns, and I wipe the blood away with the sleeve of my light gray shirt, changing the color to a dark crimson.

  And then he appears.

  “Hey, Alexis, what’s up?” I look up to see my next door neighbor, Dylan Priestley, with a million dollar smile, holding a basketball under one arm.

  “I need to go!” I turn to run inside my house.

  If people start asking questions, they’ll take us away from Mom.

  “Alexis, stop for a minute. I was just walking home from playing basketball at Matt’s house. I saw you sitting out here alone.” He puts out his hand to stop me.

  I stop. Dylan, the popular boy in school and the one all of the girls want. I know he doesn’t like me that way, and showing him my eye can mean trouble that I don’t want, but another part of me says, Tell him. Free yourself of this dreadful secret.

  His eyes widen, and he drops the basketball on the ground. “Shit, Alexis, you’re bleeding, a lot. Let me help you.” He places his hand on my shoulder, guiding me somewhere.

  “No, thank you. I’m fine. I’ll head back inside now,” I tell him quietly.

  His eyes are still huge, as if the thought of me walking away terrifies him. “You can’t do that. Your eye is gushing blood. You might need stitches.” He runs his hand through his ruffled hair, with his arm still on my shoulder, not letting go.

  With a pained stare, I say, “Believe me, Dylan, it’s better you walk away. You shouldn’t get involved. My life isn’t exactly peaches and cream.” I let out a sad laugh.

  I know he has the perfect life and perfect parents. How could he ever understand me or my secret? Internally I hope that he doesn’t walk away and that I haven’t scared him off. “It’s dark and not what you’re used to. I’m really okay.” I hold my breath waiting, hoping, that he won’t believe me and I’ll be saved. It’s pathetic how lonely I am. He stands still, his lips pressed together, not saying anything.

  “Can I ask you for a favor?” I ask, my hands trembling.

  He picks his head up, and his eyebrows lift, waiting. “Shoot.” He flashes me his classic smile, his blue eyes sparkling in the moonlight.

  “Please don’t tell anybody about this,” I plead.

  Dylan’s worry shifts into a haunted look as I watch him shiver. I don’t know if he’s witnessed any of Mom’s behavior, but by the look in his eyes, I guess he has an idea.

  Biting his lip, he says, “Alexis, I’m sorry, but you’re coming with me.” He grabs me by the arm, pulling me along the grass. He looks back at me. “Don’t worry, my parents are already asleep. We’ll go in through the back doors. Mom has a first aid kit in the kitchen, and I’ll patch you up. You’ll be like new.”

  We walk through his beautiful backyard, covered with lush trees and colorful flowers, a swimming pool and basketball court. He pulls me up the steps of the deck, then opens the sliding doors that lead to the kitchen. “Ladies first.”

  Even at fifteen, he’s such a gentleman. All of the girls at school compete over who he’ll ask out next. With us it’s different; we’ve known each other all our lives. I’ve never looked at him that way, until tonight.

  “Okay, Alexis, come in here.” He points to a chair at the kitchen table.

  I sit down and he sets up the first aid kit. Then he walks over to the kitchen sink, mumbling something about getting rid of the germs. The lights are off in the kitchen, with only a small oven bulb on.

  “I’m not turning on the lights, okay? It will wake up my parents and we don’t want them seeing you like this,” he says.

  He pulls out two sticky things that look like Band-Aids, squeezing my cut together with his index finger and thumb. I notice how cute he really is. His eyes are a bright shade of blue and staring into them hypnotizes me. Makes me feel safe.

  “Okay, I put something on your eye, and it should hold the cut together. You probably need stitches, but I think it’ll do for now. Be careful not to get it dirty. I’ll give you a couple more, so you can keep it clean. Don’t take this one off for two days.”

  For someone so young, he really seems to know what he’s doing.

  “Alexis, don’t you think you should tell someone? It’s not right what she does.”

  The reality that he knows about my mother panics me, but I don’t move. Instead I ask in a puzzled tone, “What do you mean?” Like I don’t have a clue what he’s talking about. Geez! He probably thinks I’m nuts. I would never have a chance with a nice guy like him.

  “It’s okay. I won’t say anything, but your mother shouldn’t do this to you.” He places his hand on my shoulder, almost like a silent plea.

  I straighten myself out and get up from the chair. I’m lightheaded, and I’m not sure if it’s because of Mom’s assault or that I might have a crush on him.

  “Thanks for your help, Dylan, but I really got to go. Ashley’s at home on her own.”

  He doesn’t say anything else, and I slide out the door, back to my pri
son.

  When I sneak into the house, I check the perimeters. My mother is gone, and Ash is in her room, asleep, with no dinner in her stomach. I feel horrible about that. I go to my room, where I usually cry myself to sleep, but tonight is different. I think of Dylan Priestley, and his piercing blue eyes.

  As I lie in bed thinking about Dylan, I hear the front door to our house open. In my room, I’m as safe as I can be, in the given situation, and I pretend to be asleep.

  Sometimes, Mom picks up different men at the bar and brings them home. I try to drown out the sounds coming from her bedroom by putting my head under the blankets. It doesn’t really help with the noise, but it feels like a shield, protecting me. I have an idea what the screaming and groaning coming from her bedroom is and I’m thoroughly disgusted.

  A crash from behind me makes me realize that I’m no longer in my childhood bedroom but in the bar. The memories fade, and I run my finger across the faint scar still visible under my left eye. Why am I thinking so much about Dylan? It’s been seven years since I’ve seen him, but I can picture him like it was yesterday. Without Dylan’s help that night the scar could have been a lot worse, and after that he became quite the professional at taking care of me. He kept my dark secret safe.

  “Alexis, do you need to go to the backroom and take a few? Because I can’t have you standing back here doing nothing,” Mickey says, scowling at me.

  The damn drunk lady really threw me off. I wonder how long I zoned out for because Mickey is seriously irritated with me.

  With a shaky voice, I apologize to Mickey and tell him I don’t need any time on my own. I need to throw myself back into work and get my head out of the gutter. I serve the lady her drinks until Mickey tells me to cut her off.

  While wiping down the bar, I shake my head at the memory of Dylan. My life is still not peaches and cream. Maybe it never will be.

  Chapter 4

  Spontaneity

  Second Week of September 2012

  “Okay, I’ll make the popcorn, and you choose a movie.” I walk toward the kitchen while Anna lies across the couch with her feet up and her head on a pillow.

  “What are you in the mood for?” she asks.

  “Doesn’t matter. Choose whatever you like,” I say with a flat voice, taking a pan out of the cabinet.

  Anna quirks up her eyebrow at me because I’m usually picky about the movies I watch. I don’t like sappy romances, better known as chick flicks, in which boy meets girl and they live happily ever after. That doesn’t exist in reality and watching them gives people false hope. I like action adventures, or super hero movies like Thor, The Avengers, and Jack Ryan movies. They’re fast-paced, full of suspense and surprises, and they take my mind off life, at least for a while. As I prepare the popcorn on a pan because I’m not a fan of microwaving it, my mind drifts. I think about Luc and his kindness. I make a side note not to let him get to me.

  I look over my shoulder. “So what movie did you choose?”

  Her lips turn down, and she stares at her feet. “How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days?” I can barely hear what she said over the sound of the corn popping, but I’m pretty sure she chose a sappy romance.

  I roll my eyes.

  “Come on, Lex. Don’t be like that. It’s supposed to be funny. It’s about a girl who tries to sabotage her relationship with a guy by doing all the wrong things.”

  “Whatever. I’m just happy to be chilling on this couch tonight. Don’t blame me if I fall asleep,” I reply.

  “You won’t. Don’t be ridiculous. Besides, Matthew McConaughey is seriously hot.” Her green eyes glow with excitement.

  We watch the movie, and Anna is right. Kate Hudson’s character is just too funny and the complete opposite of me; she’s all cuddly and clingy. Sometimes I wish I could be that way. I was at one point with Dylan. I practically wore my heart on my sleeve, but I’ve learned since then. Besides, cuddly and clingy isn’t real. Even in the movie, Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey play each other. Ironically, both players end up getting played and fall in love. That will never happen to me. I’ve been in love. I gave him my whole heart and never got it back.

  I look over at Anna. “Why so gloomy?” She’s curled up in a ball on the couch, looking deep in thought.

  I’m sitting next to her at the opposite end, my feet up on the coffee table.

  “I just remembered why I don’t like romantic comedies.”

  I laugh because even though it’s not funny, it’s better than crying. I reach over and give her a hug.

  With my arm on her shoulder, I say, “It was actually a cute movie!”

  She lifts an eyebrow.

  “It’s true. They both tried to hide who they were, but their real personalities seeped through and their attraction grew. It was natural and real. So there you go. I really liked it.”

  “Do you think that could be us one day?” Pain crosses her face like she wants to be hopeful but knows better.

  I can’t let her down. “I don’t know. I want to believe that one day, I’ll find the right person and overcome my issues, but I have so many demons hiding in my closet. I’m scared that if I do the relationship thing, they’ll all come pouring out and it will end in disaster.” I know she was hoping to hear something else, but I can’t lie to her.

  Anna sits up and pulls her knees into her chest. “Yeah, I kind of feel the same way. Lex, it’s like if I allow myself to fall hard, then I may find out that the guy is the same trash as… it doesn’t matter.”

  I think I know what she was going to say. It’s so hard for her to talk about. It has something to do with her brother. They aren’t blood related, but he did something to make her lose trust in all men. I feel sad for Anna, but I don’t share her worldview. I had love, and I had the perfect guy. It was just never going to work.

  I get up from the couch and give her my hand to help her up. “Let’s go to sleep, babe.”

  She takes my hand and we both walk off to our bedrooms. There’s an ache in my chest, and I lie in bed thinking of Luc. He seems like a decent guy, a lot more decent than most of my hookups. I’m not sure why I’m even thinking of him now. Maybe it’s the fact that he’s a foreigner with a hot accent so he’s got my attention. I could probably sleep with him a few times and let him go, like I do with the rest of the guys I meet. I turn over on my pillow and lift my blanket up to my cheek. I feel warm and safe, and I breathe slowly, allowing sleep to overtake me.

  ***

  Sunlight seeps through my blinds, causing my tired eyes to open. I can’t believe it’s morning already. I felt like I was asleep for an hour. I hate when that happens because I end up so drained the next day. It’s Sunday, and I have to write a paper on tort law today. I haven’t started the research, so I’m thinking of heading over to Robarts, the main library on campus.

  In the bathroom, I avoid the mirror. I don’t like looking at the person I’ve become; my poor decisions weigh heavily on me. So many men I’ve slept with and so much partying that I sometimes disgust myself, but I don’t know how to change or bring normal to my life. I don’t even know what normal is.

  I walk out to the kitchen and grab myself a cup of coffee. Anna must have woken up early and made a fresh brew. I really appreciate my roommate right now.

  “Hey, Bandita, what are you up to today?” Anna is sitting on a bar stool, back to her chipper self.

  I’m the gloomy one now. “I have to head over to the library and work on that paper for tort law.”

  Anna smacks herself on the leg. “Shit, so do I. It’s due on Thursday. I totally forgot about it.”

  “Come with me. I’m going to see if I can get a study carrel for the day,” I answer, watching Anna hold her head, looking a little stressed out.

  “Sure. Sounds perfect.”

  I throw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, pull my hair up into a ponytail, and grab my Converse. Anna walks out of her room and gives me a one up.

  “What was that for?”

  Both hands on h
er hips and head tilted to the side, she oozes attitude. “Why aren’t you putting more effort into yourself, Lex? There could be hot guys at the library.” Her eyebrows arch upward and her forehead creases as if she’s waiting for me to respond or at least turn around and change my clothes. Of course I do neither because I’m comfortable.

  I narrow my eyes. “Don’t give me that look, Anna. It’s Sunday morning, and I need to get my work done. I’m not going to pick up guys.”

  “Och, fine.” She shakes her head at me in disapproval.

  I grab my sunglasses on the way out because it’s a bright, sunny day. Fall is about a week away, and the cooler air will be moving in soon so I’ll take the warmth while I can get it. We get to the library and luckily there’s a carrel available. We drop our bags inside and walk over to the computers on the main floor to do some research. I can’t find an available computer, so I go up to the second floor while Anna stays behind.

  I get so wrapped up in my work, I don’t realize how many hours pass. My stomach grumbles. It’s already lunchtime and I forgot about breakfast. I head back down to the carrel, but the door is locked. I knock, but there’s no response. “Anna, open up. It’s me. Why did you lock the door?” I knock again but still nothing. That’s when I hear a moan. My mouth drops open. Anna never ceases to amaze me. I can’t believe she has a guy in there. Fuck, I need my purse. I’m totally parched.

  “Anna, just throw me my purse. I need to get a drink.”

  Two seconds later, the door opens up a smidge and I get whacked in the face by my purse. “Thanks,” I mutter and walk off to the Starbucks down the street. I wonder who on earth she picked up so quickly.

  My legs are stiff from sitting for so long, and my walk is very welcome. I open the door to the Starbucks and notice Luc standing in line, giving the cashier his order. Shit, shit, fuck, he’s the last person I want to see right now. Hopefully he won’t notice me. I stand off to the side, planning to give my order and run back to the library, unnoticed. Just my luck, he turns around and stares right at me. I lose my balance, almost falling on top of a chair with a person sitting in it. I catch myself in time and straighten up as if I’m not the biggest klutz on earth. Then I confidently walk over to him, like I wasn’t just trying to avoid him.