Bitter Sweet Love

by R. C. Stephens

  “Alexis, don’t move. I need to have this vision of you ingrained in my mind.” Matt stood a few feet away, holding up his hands like a camera.

  “Very funny, Matt.”

  “Holy fuck, you look seriously hot. I mean, seriously smoking hot,” he continued.

  “Stop it. You’re being ridiculous.” I waved my hand at him, trying to shoo him away.

  “Believe me, I’m going to have to keep you close tonight so someone doesn’t try to steal you away.”

  I smacked him across the stomach. Who would want me enough to steal me away? He was being ridiculous so I walked over to Emily.

  “Hey, wait a minute. Don’t I get a birthday kiss?” He took my hand, pulling me back into him.

  “Yeah, you do.”

  Wrapping his arms around my waist, he brushed his lips on mine. I obliged him, when I heard someone clearing their throat from behind. I turned around to see Dylan with a smirk on his face, standing upright, holding his girlfriend Marie’s hand. I blushed a little, feeling strange that Dylan had seen Matt kiss me.

  “Wow, Alexis, you look amazing. Love the dress.” Dylan gave me a knowing wink. My scars were completely covered. His girlfriend Marie wasn’t too impressed, though. She’d never liked me. She was one of the girls who made fun of me in elementary school. I winked back at him then headed for the kitchen.

  I was drinking water when Matt snuck up behind me, giving me a hug. I turned around to face him. “Thanks so much, Matt. It’s a great party.”

  Our entire grade must have shown up, plus a few of the students from the older grades. Everyone was dancing around the house, but a large group had formed a dance area in the main foyer. It was dusk, and the DJ turned off the lights in the house, using his own disco lights for effect. Matt led me into the foyer and we slowly swayed together to the music. I placed my hands along his broad shoulders and looked into his deep brown eyes. He smiled at me gently then placed a soft kiss on my cheek. I rested my head on his chest since he was taller than me and my hands ran along his muscular arms. He was always bustling with self-esteem and said exactly what was on his mind. I envied him.

  As we danced, Matt whispered sweet things in my ear, leaving me blushing. “You look so hot in the dress, and your legs, mmm.” He put his knuckles to his mouth, like he found me irresistible. I frowned at him because he was being an idiot. I rested my head back on his chest, looking off to the side, and noticed Dylan dancing with Marie. Their bodies were smashed together and he groped her ass. I wanted to roll my eyes at the sight when I noticed his attention was not on Marie. He was staring intently at me. Our eyes connected for a moment, and his eyes wandered down my body. I saw his Adam’s apple bob when he gulped. I saw heat in his eyes. I wish I could have stopped looking into his ocean blue eyes, but I’d never seen anything more perfect. The moment passed, almost forgotten.

  I was brought back to reality when Matt leaned into my ear, asking, “Alexis, do you want to go up to my room? I’ve wanted to get you alone all night.”

  I nodded and he led me upstairs. I reached the first step when I felt someone tap my shoulder.

  “Alexis, where are you going?” It was Dylan, who looked worried.

  “I’m going up to Matt’s room. What’s up?” I asked.

  “Nothing. I just need Matt for a second.”

  Matt’s eyebrows drew together. I simply shrugged and Matt and Dylan walked off to the corner.

  I tilted my head, trying to eavesdrop or at least read their lips. “Matt, I asked you not to sleep with her. She’s not that type of girl,” Dylan said, and my jaw dropped. I didn’t tell him what to do with Marie, and I couldn’t believe he was talking about me having sex with Matt. It also looked like it wasn’t the first time they’d had this conversation.

  Matt placed a hand on Dylan’s shoulder. “Dylan, I love you, bro, and you’re my best friend. But, bud out. This isn’t your business.” Dylan nodded, waving Matt off, and walked straight back to me.

  “Alexis, don’t do this,” he pleaded, staring into my eyes. He searched my face, but for what I didn’t know.

  I was surprised and a little flustered at Dylan’s reaction to all of this, but there was a small feeling deep down inside that was happy he cared. “Dylan, I’m fine. What’s gotten into you?” I could usually read him so well, and he’d completely thrown me off.

  He was silent again, and it looked like he was contemplating. Then he said, “Come.” One word. A curt command. Taking me by the hand, he guided me to a nook in the large entrance way, away from Matt.

  “What is it, Dylan?” I asked nervously.

  “Lex, my father always told me that I should live my life with no regrets. I’m suggesting you do the same thing. When you look back on this day, you don’t want to regret your actions,” he said, holding on to my right arm. I stared at my arm then I gazed into his eyes.

  “Okay.”

  “Okay?” he asked hesitantly.

  “Yes.” I turned around and headed up the stairs with Matt holding onto my hand, guiding me to his room. Dylan was sure acting weird tonight.

  I didn’t really think I was going to sleep with Matt. We’d been together for a couple of months, he was good to me, and he’d thrown this party in my honor. But I wasn’t ready for sex, and I wasn’t sure I’d ever be. It was disgusting what Mom did with those men.

  Matt pulled me close to him, smelled my hair, and grazed my neck with his lips, sending a shiver through my body. “Man, Alexis, I’ve never seen you so made up. You’re totally gorgeous.” Matt thrashed his lips onto mine.

  Dylan’s face suddenly popped up in the back of my mind. No regrets. Matt was a good kisser, but in that instant I realized that things couldn’t move forward. I wasn’t that attracted to him anymore. Something had changed. I took a step back from Matt and said, “Thank you for the party. It’s amazing, but I’m not ready for this right now.”

  “Okay, we can take things slow,” Matt responded, rubbing his finger along my neckline. Shoot! He wasn’t getting it. I felt bad breaking up with him now that he’d made me the party, but I needed to be honest with him and myself.

  “Matt, I’m sorry, but I don’t think we’re going to work,” I said, my voice a low murmur. Och! Breaking up was really hard to do.

  “Okay, I get it. Alexis, is this because of Dylan? Because I swear…”

  “No, Matt, it’s not Dylan. It’s me,” I said, feeling my voice crack.

  “Okay, I get it.” He looked flustered.

  “I’m sorry, Matt.”

  “No worries, just give me a few,” he said, brushing his hand along his mouth.

  I turned around and left his bedroom. Honestly, even the few kisses and gropes shouldn’t have given him the impression that I would sleep with him. As I walked back down the long spiral staircase, my fingers brushed my lips. The feel of his lips on mine didn’t shatter me. It felt nice, but I could only think of Dylan, wondering what his lips would feel like. I kept thinking of the look he’d had on his face when I’d come up here. Was it jealousy? Frustration? Sadness? I disregarded my next thought immediately after it came to me. It couldn’t be love. He was my oldest friend. But the more I thought about Dylan and his plea, the more I understood his message to me. I felt bad, but I needed to do what felt right. Matt and I together didn’t feel right anymore.

  Downstairs, I found Emily with a bunch of girls, and we began dancing together. Dylan and Marie were pressed up against each other, and he was still groping her. I rolled my eyes. When Dylan noticed me, he dropped Marie’s hand. She scowled at me when he left her standing there to walk over to me. “Everything okay?” he asked, his head slightly tilted downwards like he was being cautious.

  “Peaches.”

  His eyebrows knitted together. I knew he wanted an explanation, but I wasn’t in the mood to explain.

  “Lex, you should just sleep at my house. Ashley is there anyway, and you shouldn’t go home tonight. I’m sure it’ll be okay with my parents.”

  M
arie stalked over to us, giving him a dirty look. I couldn’t blame her. Her boyfriend had just asked me to sleep over.

  “I’ll leave with you now if you want,” he offered, and I sagged with relief. I was all partied out. I nodded and took his arm, no longer feeling comfortable staying in Matt’s house now that we’d broken up.

  Dylan glanced at Marie, who pouted, then looked back to me and said, “Give me a sec.”

  I let go of his arm and watched as he shoved his tongue down her throat. I wanted to be sick. Then he grabbed my hand, and I said goodnight and thank you to my friends and we left. We drove back to his house in his mother’s Land Rover. His birthday was two weeks before so he’d just gotten his driver’s license.

  I lay back in the passenger seat and sighed, exhausted and glad tonight was over. “Thanks. It’s kind of a relief not to have to deal with Mom tonight.”

  “I wish you could stay with us all the time.” He smiled.

  I smiled back, sadly. He hated that I had to live with the abuse. When we got back to his parents’ house, he ran upstairs and brought down a white t- shirt and a pair of plaid pants from his room. They were huge on my small frame but smelled like him and I felt comforted.

  “Hey, do you want to watch a movie for a bit?” he asked.

  “Sure, sounds good.” We laid together side-by-side on the couch. Safe in his arms, I lulled myself to sleep.

  ***

  I tried to open my eyes but winced from the light as the sun shone bright through the shutters. The girls came rushing down the stairs, laughing at the sight of us lying together on the couch. They called us boyfriend and girlfriend. How ridiculous.

  “’Kay, Ash, go get ready. We should head home.”

  Ashley’s cheery smile fell, disappointment running across her beautiful features.

  “Already? Why?”

  I gave her a stern look. She knew what was waiting for us.

  “I’d better check on Mom and make sure she’s okay.” I looked back to Dylan, still laying across the couch.

  “Why do you care how she is after the way she treats you?” He yawned, stretching out his arms.

  “What can I do? She’s my mom. I can’t just abandon her.”

  “You’re too good, Lex.”

  “I’ll talk to you later.” I leaned in, giving him a hug, inhaling his scent one last time and hoping he didn’t notice.

  “Can you call me and let me know you’re okay? You don’t know what type of mood she’ll be in when you walk through the door.”

  I nodded, resenting that I had to leave this quiet, happy place for something broken and dangerous. Ash and I walked home through Dylan’s backyard, and the sun beamed down on my face, warming me despite the cool air and snow on the ground. Ashley was smiling, too. Our happiness disappeared the second we opened our front door.

  “Oh, so you two stupid bitches finally decided to come home. You just leave me here alone like a dog. You think I’m a fucking dog?” She was downstairs, which was unusual for her. She walked up to me and smacked me hard across the face. I tried not to flinch. Then she stomped over to Ashley and slapped her hard, too. I winced when her hand made contact with Ashley’s face. Ashley started crying right away. I’d learned to bury the pain somewhere deep inside of me, but Ashley hadn’t.

  “Oh poor baby, did Mommy make you cry? Serves you right for leaving me. I’m starving. There’s no food in this fucking house.”

  “Ashley, go up to your room and stay there. I’ll make something to eat.” I wanted my little sister away from the monster. I could handle her better.

  “Oh, Alexis to the rescue. How endearing. You think you need to protect her from me? I’ll show you.” Mom began pounding me with her hands, punching and scratching at my back. It had only been a few days since the last beating so my back was still raw. When she was done, she wobbled up the stairs to her room, holding the banister for support.

  I walked into the kitchen to prepare a meal, not even checking my new marks. I made a cheese sandwich and took it up to her room, where she was crying in bed. I sometimes wished she was crying from sorrow, for her bad behavior toward us, but it was never the case.

  “Honey, can you go to Marco’s and get me a bottle of vodka? I’m all out,” she whined. Clearly she was crying because she was out of alcohol.

  I was too young to buy alcohol at the liquor store since the legal age was nineteen. Mom gave me extra money, and I took a cab to the local bar, where the owner Marco knew Mom well and sold me a bottle of vodka for a premium price.

  I didn’t know what to expect when I got back from the bar. I peeked around the corner of my room, holding my breath. She was asleep. I exhaled and gently placed the bottle on the night stand next to her bed. I jumped when I heard the phone ring and ran to my room, not wanting to be close to her if she woke up.

  “Hello?”

  “Shit, Lex, I almost came over there.”

  It was Dylan, and his voice sounded tense.

  “You know that’s not a good idea,” I said.

  “I know, but where were you? I was waiting for your call. I’m freaking out here.” His panic was obvious in his rapid breathing.

  “Sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you.”

  “Did she hit you?”

  What would have been the point of answering? It wasn’t going to change anything.

  “She did, didn’t she? I can’t think about it. It drives me crazy to be so helpless,” Dylan whispered.

  “Please don’t. It’s okay. I don’t really feel the pain anymore. Sorry I wasn’t home, but Mom sent me to Marco to pick up liquor.”

  I lay back on my bed. The bedroom door was closed.

  “Why didn’t you call me? I would have driven you.”

  “It’s fine. I took a cab. You need to have a life, too, Dylan. You can’t save me every time.”

  “I wish I could.” He let out a breath.

  “I know and I love you for it.”

  “Look, we need to come to some arrangement here. How about you and Ashley start hanging around here after school? Mom always makes tons of food, and she won’t mind. You’ll go home after the witch is asleep.” Dylan’s offer was so appealing, but it wasn’t fair to impose on his family that way.

  “Dylan, I can’t, but I appreciate it.”

  He gave a resigned sigh.

  “Bye, Dyl.”

  “Bye, Lex.”

  I lay in bed, thinking about the last twenty-four hours. Really, I was thinking about Dylan and the fact that he didn’t want me sleeping with Matt. I’d told Dylan I loved him so many times. It was no big deal. It was obvious we said it in a friendly way, even though I secretly always wanted more. I wasn’t naïve. I knew I wasn’t good enough to be with him. Although something had been different with him last night, and thinking about his reaction to me scared me, excited me, made me want things I knew I couldn’t have. No regrets.

  Hmm.

  Chapter 8

  Exhale

  Mid-September 2012

  Luckily I have a busy day, so I don’t have time to think about my date with Luc tonight. I’m swamped, with no breaks in between classes. By lunchtime I’m working in the library on a paper for my criminal code class. My cell phone rings, and I see Ashley’s name light up the screen.

  “Hey, baby girl, how are you doing?” I ask.

  “Pretty good. Just finished class. I had some time, so I thought I’d call and check up on you. Are you going home for Thanksgiving?” she asks.

  “I don’t know. Why? Were you planning on going home?”

  “I don’t know,” she says quietly. It’s a conversation neither of us enjoy having.

  I stop typing on my laptop, concerned that I may not get a chance to see her. “I’d really like to see you, though. How about you come into town and spend the weekend at my apartment? We can just go home for a couple of hours. That way we won’t feel trapped.”

  It’s been a couple of months since I’ve seen my little sister, and I really miss her. A
shley spent the last two years of high school as an exchange student in Paris. She loved learning French, and I wanted to leave for university. There was no way I was leaving her with Mom, and the exchange program was our perfect out. When she was ready for university, I wanted her to join me at U of T, but she decided on McGill University in Montreal and got a good scholarship to study psychology. She was presently working on her Master’s degree and wanted to continue on to get her PhD. I’m so proud of her accomplishments, despite our upbringing.

  “Okay, sounds good.” I let out a breath, relieved to hear she’s agreed to come to town. We went home to see Mother last year for Christmas. Mom behaved as if everything was completely normal. She suddenly stopped drinking in my final year of high school when she met her current husband. Even though she was sober, Ash and I felt constantly on edge being in that dreadful house and remembering our sorry excuse for a childhood. After we left, we decided that maybe we should find alternative ways of spending the holidays. Thanksgiving is around the corner, and it’s like I have some sick attachment to home. I guess everybody does in one way or another. It’s familiar so I find myself wanting to go back even for a small visit. I hate myself for hoping that one day I may accidentally bump into Dylan on one of my visits, but it’s an emotion I’ve never been able to suppress.

  “I’m looking forward to seeing you.”

  “Me too, big sis.”

  “Later.”

  “Bye.”

  I stop at the café to buy myself an extra-large coffee. I’m going to need it to get through the afternoon. Law school’s a lot of work, and I have to stay on top of my game. My goal is to graduate at the head of my class and get into a prestigious law firm for articling so I can get a job on Bay Street, where the best firms are in Toronto. I never want to rely on anyone for anything ever again.

  My last class is out and I walk down University Ave. toward my apartment. It’s already five o’clock and I still need to finish my paper. I type away like a mad woman, not realizing how quickly the time has passed. I look down at my phone and jump when I see it’s already six-thirty, and I only have half an hour to get ready before Luc comes to pick me up. I save my work, then slam the laptop shut, and run out to the hall closet to grab a towel. I didn’t know Anna was home, and I plow right into her, knocking her backwards.