Bitter Sweet Love

by R. C. Stephens

  I ran out of the pool soaking wet, forgetting a towel, and raced around the house in my wet bikini to look for him. I didn’t even think about my scars. Though I still worried someone was looking at them, Dylan had made me more confident, more comfortable with my body. Some guys checked me out, trying to get my attention, but I was on a mission. I asked a bunch of people if they had seen him, but no one knew where he was. I was drunk and wet, and I got a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I normally didn’t drink at parties, but I made an exception for prom night, and I hoped the nausea churning in my belly was because of that and not Dylan. I walked around the house and reached the circular staircase that led upstairs.

  I accidentally bumped into Dylan’s friend, David, on my way up. “Have you seen Dylan anywhere?” He got a sorrowful look on his face, and I freaked out. “Where the fuck is he, David?” David didn’t say anything, just focused his eyes on the staircase and up the stairs. I understood his gesture and took two steps at a time to get to the top. I looked around upstairs like a mad woman, but most of the doors to the bedrooms were closed. I could only imagine what was going on behind them. I tried to figure out where he was, but with my head whirling from alcohol, I had no clue. I swung the first door open, holding my breath and letting it out when I saw Aaron and Kelly in bed. I kind of felt mortified, but my anger, along with the alcohol in my veins, lessened that by a lot.

  I open another door and sucked in a sharp breath. Dylan was sitting on the bed, his shirt open, and Elena Peters was spread eagle on top of him.

  “What the fuck’s going on in here?” I cried out, my heart slapping in my chest.

  “Lex, this isn’t what it looks like,” Dylan said.

  “Really? Because I think it’s exactly what it looks like. You’re half naked and Elena was just on top of you,” I retorted, my hands waving around all over the place. I wanted to fall to the floor and crumple, but I couldn’t do that here, not in front of them.

  It took all of my power, but I kept it together and said, “Whatever. I’m getting out of here. Go fuck yourself, Dylan.” I was wounded and hurt, and my heart felt like it was breaking in two, but I couldn’t look back.

  Dylan got off the bed and ran over to me, almost falling over from being so drunk. He touched his hand to my shoulder, and I flinched. The thought of him ever touching me again nauseated me. “Lex, wait! I promise you that nothing happened!” He pulled his arm back, looking terrified, but I didn’t care.

  I didn’t believe him. I saw it with my own eyes. “Leave me alone. I want out, you bastard!” I was crying and shaking.

  “Don’t do this, Lex. Come here. You’re soaking wet and very drunk. Please don’t run off,” Dylan pleaded.

  As I turned around to walk out of the bedroom door, I said, “Fuck off, Dylan. The limo was here to get us, I came looking for you, and what did I find? That you’re the same as every other cheating man on this planet.” The words flew out of my mouth, even though I wasn’t certain that they were true.

  Dylan stumbled toward me like a wounded duck. “Lex, I’m not like your dad. I promise you. Come back. Please, I can explain.”

  I ran off, vowing to never look back.

  Chapter 20

  My Broken Heart

  July 2006

  I didn’t wait for Dylan’s explanation that night. We waited so long to be together. I thought it was what he really wanted, that he really loved me. He swore that nothing happened and the Dylan I knew would never cheat on me. But I convinced myself that what happened was for the best. Whether he slept with Elena or didn’t was irrelevant.

  I knew my self-esteem was crap. My emotional fears didn’t help either. Being too close to someone usually caused me to run, but with Dylan things were different. The truth was, if I had slept with Dylan only to watch him leave for college, it would have torn me up. Dylan may have wanted to change his plans for me. I knew him like the back of my hand. I could never have been a hindrance to his hopes and aspirations. Sleeping with me could have changed his dream of going to Harvard as planned, and it would have made things too serious between us. There was too much at stake. Seeing Elena on top of him made me realize that we were better off apart. My emotional dysfunction and commitment issues ran too deep, and he definitely didn’t need such intense problems at such a young age. I knew he would go far in life and he didn’t need a girl like me dragging him down.

  When Dylan announced he’d been accepted into Harvard and granted a scholarship, I couldn’t be happier for him. Not. I was proud of his achievements, but it meant we would be taking different paths in life. The thought relieved and terrified me all at once. I didn’t want to let go, but I didn’t want to hang on either. We both knew our relationship would lead to marriage, and given my history, it was simply not in the cards.

  After prom things got busy, and university was my new beginning. I packed up Mom’s car and got ready to drive to the school. Dylan crossed the driveway toward me, and I tried to ignore him. There wasn’t anything else left to say.

  He grabbed my shoulder abruptly, clearly ticked off. “Would you just stop and look at me for a second? I didn’t sleep with fucking Elena Peters! Look at me! I would never have done that to you. I was drunk, and I don’t know how she got in the room. I passed out.” He was pissed off.

  Oh, Dylan! It’s for the best. Can’t you see?

  The sun was shining bright and hot, beating down on my back. It was a humid August afternoon. I peered up at the sun, watching the strong rays radiating light to the world around me. My eyes burned, but I didn’t turn away. Trapped in my thoughts I realized again that Dylan was perfect. Perfect family, perfect guy, he had the best intentions toward everyone, and was liked by everyone. He was too damn good for me. I’m not what he needed. He was going to be a successful doctor, and he needed a stable woman by his side, raising his perfect children. I could never give him any of that. I could never have kids. It wouldn’t be fair to them. And I probably wouldn’t know how to be a good wife either. He needed someone better than me.

  “Alexis, are you fucking listening to me?” Dylan held my shoulders, clearly upset.

  “Dylan, none of it matters,” I said, sounding all spacey. He let go of my arms, and confusion marred his handsome face.

  I bowed my head and got in the car. I didn’t turn back because I couldn’t watch the look of heartbreak on his face. My own heart had split apart.

  Chapter 21

  Want

  Dylan

  November 2012

  Seeing Lexi out on the porch Thanksgiving night brought back so many memories. Bitter and sweet. I hadn’t seen her in seven years and suddenly there was this beautiful angel in front of me. Only the angel had grown into a woman. I wanted to say so much, but I was at a loss for words. I knew if I called Emily and asked her to invite Lexi, she wouldn’t be able to say no. She was always a good friend and one of the few people who knew the truth about Lexi’s mom.

  I was completely hyped about seeing her at the bonfire. I tried to tell her so many times before that I’d never slept with Elena, but she just wouldn’t listen. I needed to find a way to make her listen. I know I had some serious explaining to do. The truth is I didn’t completely understand why I didn’t try harder, but the look she had on her face when she went off to university told me that she was letting us go. She seemed dazed and confused as if she was on something.

  There were so many times I wanted to pick up a phone and explain myself. But I knew that if we did get back together, I would never let her go again. I was a kid, and I needed to make something of myself. Now I’m in first year residency and a little closer to becoming that something.

  When I saw her walk up to the bonfire with a guy, I knew right away he was her boyfriend. He was a little too old for Ash. I was screwed because if she brought him home, it meant he was something important to her and I was too late. But I couldn’t give up. I asked Emily to distract the guy so I could get time alone with Lex. It worked out even better when Ash we
nt along with it.

  When I got her attention, she was still pissed off with me. She needed to hear a few things about my feelings for her. She’s built up this wall that’s so damn hard to penetrate, and I don’t know how to get through to her. I know she can read me like a book, but she refuses to acknowledge what she sees; she’s in denial. She knows I’m telling her the truth, but she won’t allow herself to believe it. I don’t want to push her. I need to gain her trust before I say anything.

  I’m grateful she let me hold her warm, soft hand, and it helped me get the words out. I don’t know what happened, but I suddenly leaned into her. I thought I could convey my feelings through a kiss. I thought she would slap me, but she drifted toward me, kissing me back. It was just a gentle kiss, but there were those same fireworks and heat that only happens when I kiss her. Every other girl I’ve fucked in my life just felt like a release and I moved on. Lexi penetrated my soul.

  When her boyfriend came around and spotted us kissing, I froze. I guess I should have expected him to be pissed, but the way he punched me was seriously brutal. He was violent, showing no remorse and his response seemed animalistic. Something about him gives me bad vibes.

  Chapter 22

  I Never Get What I Want

  November 2012

  “Hey, Ash, are you awake?” I roll over in my bed and whisper.

  “Kind of, why?” she replies, looking at me with half-open eyes.

  “Because it’s already eight o’ clock, and if we’re going to get you back to the train on time, we’d better get moving. Even though I wish you didn’t have to go.” I sigh. “I love having you here.” I force myself out of bed. I have to get some coffee brewing if we’re going to make it out of here.

  “I know. I like to visit, but I’m really enjoying Montreal,” she says, yawning and stretching her arms over her head.

  “I get it. It’s your home now. I’m glad you’re happy.” I flip off my pajama top and bottoms and head over to my closet to pull out a t-shirt and a pair of jeans. I get my pink bra on, pull up my blue jeans, and throw on a gray sweater.

  Ash slips out of bed and saunters out of the room. I can’t stop thinking of Dylan. How could I leave him lying on the floor bleeding? He’s helped me so many times and I abandoned him. Luc’s barbarous response has also been weighing on me.

  Ash enters my room again, and I can tell something is bothering her by the distracted look in her eyes. “What is it, Ash?” I ask. “Spill it.”

  She flops back on the bed and her shoulders sag. “Lex, I can tell you like Luc, but I have bad vibes. I didn’t like the way he attacked Dylan full force last night. It’s like he’s some sort of street fighter or…” Her words trail off.

  “I know. I didn’t like it either, but I’m sure he must have a reasonable explanation other than jealousy. I plan on bringing it up with him. He’s a good guy, Ash. I’m sure he didn’t mean to floor him that way. Maybe he doesn’t understand his own strength,” I say, hoping to diffuse her worries.

  “I’m not sure. Why is he so built up anyway? What is he? A heavyweight champion?” She laughs.

  “No, he’s a computer geek with an awesome body.” I giggle.

  “I hope you’re right, Lex.” She stands up and rummages through her suitcase. A moment later she pulls on a pair of jeans and continues to get dressed, but I can tell she’s overthinking this.

  “He’s been good to me, Ash, and it’s the first relationship I’ve had since Dylan. I want to see where it will go.” I try to brush off the assault like it’s no big deal.

  “Okay, Lex, but if you need to talk, day or night, you call me,” she says, tilting her chin down and looking in my eyes.

  “Of course.” I smile at her and draw her in for a hug. She hangs on and I can feel her worry seep through me.

  “Just promise me that you’ll take care of yourself. You’re the only family I have. I also want you to pay more attention to his business dealings. I told you his phone call yesterday sounded sketchy.”

  “I know. Don’t worry. I’ll be fine.” I wave her off, but I can see the heaviness in her eyes.

  Around noon, I take Ash back to the train station. I hate goodbyes. We give each other a quick hug and release, and it’s hard letting go. I head back to the apartment and do some house cleaning. I think back to last night when Luc punched Dylan. He was bleeding a lot. I have the urge to call him and see if he’s alright. I would be pissing Luc off, but Dylan’s still an old friend, and I owe him at least that. Luc doesn’t need to find out.

  I don’t have his cell number so I call his parents’ house. His parents met at Harvard, where his dad was a medical student and his mother was working on her Master’s degree in English literature. They fell in love and got married. Dylan chose Harvard med because his dad is such an inspiration to him. I was over at Dylan’s when his dad came home excited about a medical breakthrough his research team had found. I paid more attention to Dylan’s reaction to the story, enjoying watching his eyes light up with fascination.

  “Hey, Dylan. It’s-” I don’t have a chance to finish my sentence.

  “Hi, Lex. What’s up?” he answers, his voice monotone. I thought he’d be happy that I called, but he seems withdrawn.

  “I thought maybe we could meet for coffee and discuss what happened last night?” I mutter, the nerves building in my stomach.

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea. Your boyfriend wouldn’t approve,” he answers in a clipped tone.

  “Dylan, it’s not what you think. We really need to talk. It’s been a long time coming.”

  “Fine, where do you want to meet?” He sighs as if he’d rather be doing anything else than seeing me.

  “How about we meet at the Starbucks on Yonge Street?” I ask. “Say in about an hour?”

  “Yes,” he answers.

  Geez, I’ve never heard him sound so flat and uninterested like this before. I wonder if maybe last night was a wake-up call and he doesn’t really want to explain himself anymore. “Okay, see you soon. And Dylan? I’m really sorry about how things ended up last night.”

  “Okay, see you soon, Lex.” He gives me nothing to show he’s accepted my apology.

  I borrow my neighbor Ella’s car. She’s from Alberta, and when she’s out of town, she gives me free

  access. I’m freaking out as I drive to the coffee shop. I have seven years’ worth of things to say, but I’m not sure there’s a point. What would it accomplish? I can’t stop thinking how his lips felt when they brushed mine. His touch sent fireworks to my soul.

  I pull up to the parking lot, my pulse racing. I notice his father’s large, black Mercedes parked outside. I open the door to the Starbucks, and my gaze lands directly where he’s seated. Our eyes connect, and when I see his black eye, my heart clenches.

  “How are you, uh, doing? You know how is your, uh, eye?” Geez, I sound completely ridiculous. I’m not even formulating coherent sentences.

  “My eye’s okay. No worries. I can take it.” His eyes are so vacant, and a lump forms in my throat. He’s slumped over in the chair. “I should have expected you to meet someone in university. It must be serious if you brought him home to your mother.”

  I don’t know what to answer or where to begin. Why does he even care? I say the first thing that comes to my mind without thinking it through.

  Gritting my teeth, I say, “I thought maybe you would call at some point, and I waited for you for a long time. But you never even picked up a phone. I know when you came home for visits because Mom would tell me, yet you never tried to make any contact, not even an e-mail. I moved on. What did you expect me to do? We were young when we broke up, and I couldn’t wait for you forever. After what you did, you made me question everything about our entire friendship. If you must know, Luc is my first actual relationship since you.” The last part accidentally slips out. I look at him wide-eyed, knowing I made a mistake.

  “He’s the first guy you’ve been with or dated?” he asks, assessing me.r />
  “That isn’t your business anymore, and I don’t think you want the answer to that.” I notice him cringe.

  See, Dylan? I was right seven years ago. I’m not good enough for you. If I were being honest, I would admit out loud to him that I know I was never good enough for him. I’ve been fucking around with endless guys to prove my point. What I don’t understand is why I’m still drawn to him after so much time.

  He picks up my hand, and fireworks explode through my body. I’m angry, very angry, but as he holds my hand, everything gets foggy, causing all reason to be thrown out the window. This feels right, and it’s why I let him hold my hand at the bonfire last night. I like the way our skin feels together.

  My head is spinning when Dylan speaks again. “I don’t know what to say. I stopped being in touch because when you left for university, you had this look on your face that told me you’d decided that we wouldn’t be together. We both know how stubborn you can be. I had to respect it. I thought it wouldn’t be fair to have a long distance relationship and I only got to see you a couple times a year. And let’s face it, you’re not even willing to hear my side of the story about prom night.”

  I sit there silently. What he says makes sense, but it’s not an excuse. He should have tried to contact me despite the fact that he knows how messed up I am. He was supposed to be the one who had it together.

  “I had to focus on school and get high grades in undergrad so I could get into Harvard med. I had to have volunteer work in the field, so I spent summers with Doctors without Borders. It’s not that I was avoiding you, okay, maybe I was a little. I was young, stupid, and immature. Is that what you want to hear? Because it’s the truth. I was scared of losing you, and I didn’t know how to hold on to you and I lost you anyway. If that makes any sense.” He shakes his head as if he’s irritated with himself, maybe embarrassed by his choices. He still holds my hand. I really want to tell him to get lost, but I can’t.