Family Secrets

by Michaels, Leigh

  *****

  The director had leased the entire country club for his party – not only the clubhouse itself, but the grounds. On the first tee a rock band was playing, and people were dancing on the fairway. Inside the building the bars were in full operation, food tables groaned under the load of savory dishes, and a second band was pounding in the ballroom. In a tent at the edge of the parking lot was a third band.

  It was not Amanda’s kind of party. The best thing she could say about it was that the people were interesting. Though she knew most of the faces from the inn, there hadn’t been time to learn about their jobs, or what other movies they had worked on, and if it had been a little quieter she would have enjoyed talking to them. As it was, however, within a couple of hours she was fighting a headache.

  Chase brought her a tall glass of tonic water and noticed the wrinkle between her eyebrows. “You look miserable,” he said.

  She tried to smile. “It’s just the noise. I’ll be all right. And I keep thinking about Nicky.”

  “Wondering if he’s still all in one piece, or if Stephanie’s house is?” The room was crowded, and the chair he pulled up next to Amanda’s was so close that his thigh brushed hers.

  “Zack’s not a bad kid, you understand – just overwhelmingly curious. He’s almost scientific about it.”

  “Now there’s a thought. I’ll give Zack a chemistry set as a token of thanks for Nicky’s haircut.”

  Amanda shuddered. “He can do enough damage with the stuff he finds in the pantry, thank you. And the way Nicky soaks up information –”

  “Is that why you’re worried about him tonight? Because of what he might learn from Zack?”

  Jessamyn Arden strolled up, her low-cut cocktail dress and absurdly high heels making her stand out even in the crush of the crowd, and leaned over Chase’s shoulder. A man across the table swallowed hard and averted his eyes from the display of her cleavage. “What a shame, Chase darling,” she murmured. “In the midst of a lovely party, you and the nanny are talking about Nicky.” She smiled sweetly. “Too bad you haven’t anything else in common.”

  Chase’s mind was obviously still on Zack Kendall. “I hadn’t thought of what habits Nicky might pick up. Swallow your drink and let’s get out of here.”

  “Don’t you have to stay? I mean, you’re the star.”

  “Why? It’s not my party.”

  It took another half hour to work their way through the crowd, chatting with people nearby and waving to those too far away to speak to, so it wouldn’t look as if they were running away. But as they walked down the long drive to where Chase had parked his rented car, Amanda was still thinking about Jessamyn’s comment. It was true, in a way – the main thing they had in common was Nicky. It was natural for Jessamyn to think it was the only thing they shared. But it was almost funny how the actress seemed to resent that fact.

  “Now I know why you bring Nicky on location,” Amanda said, almost to herself.

  “Because he’s armor against she-cats like Jessamyn?”

  She was startled at his matter-of-fact tone. “That’s not quite the way I’d have put it. And I’m sure that’s not the only reason.”

  “Of course not. He also makes a great excuse to ditch a dull party.” Chase reached for her hand. “Where do you want to go when we’ve retrieved the kid? Or better yet, let’s leave him for a while and do something else.”

  “I thought you were worried about him.”

  “Not at all. Besides, he wouldn’t like being dragged away from all the games and snacks Stephanie promised. Are you in the mood for a walk?”

  “Of course.” Unlike Jessamyn, she almost said, she had worn sensible shoes.

  The country club bordered a city park, and under the ancient trees the air was fresh and moist. There was just enough of a breeze to make the leaves stir in a gentle, rustling symphony, and it was cool, so the insects hadn’t come out to feed. The full moon bathed the park in silvery light – or was Amanda seeing that soft glow because of the contentment which filled her heart?

  I have never been quite so happy as I am right now, she thought. And even though that happiness was guaranteed not to last, surely it wasn’t wrong to enjoy it for the moment.

  Her hand rested comfortably in his, as if it had been made to lie there. And when they reached the farthest, most private section of the park, and Chase turned her toward him and put his arms around her, her body seemed to fit against him as neatly as two spoons nestled in a drawer.

  He didn’t ask her again to make love with him. He didn’t need to put it into words; his kiss held both longing and the promise of a joy sweeter than anything she had even imagined before.

  And the fear that had kept her from giving him the answer he wanted – the fear of sharing herself fully – gave way to a new, certain knowledge that she must seize this opportunity or regret it forever. The joy he promised would be brief, a few short days, stolen from a lifetime – a mere pocketful of summer. That was all she could have, and she knew it. But it would be better than nothing.

  And so she would share with him everything she could, and hold the rest always in her heart....

  Chase’s hands slid slowly from her shoulders down her spine, and he let her go. “Maybe we’d better pick up Nicky.” His voice was gruff. “Or I, for one, will forget all about him.”

  Amanda knew he was right, but for one awful instant she had to fight the urge to cling to him and beg him to love her, in the physical sense at least if nothing else was possible. When she had finally come to understand her needs, when she had gathered the strength to take what she might and accept what she couldn’t have, it was just too difficult to have that promise of joy – however fragmentary – snatched away from her...

  They walked slowly back to the car, his arm around her shoulders, hers around his waist. By the time they reached Stephanie’s house the rambunctious games had given way to quiet stories. Some of the kids were already asleep, and Nicky’s eyelids were heavy as Chase carried him to the car.

  She started to say goodnight to them both in the lobby, but Chase reached for her arm, and Nicky roused enough to protest. “I want Mandy to tuck me in,” he murmured.

  Chase looked down at her. “Would you mind?”

  Mind? She’d missed Nicky’s bedtime – when he was warm and sleepy and wanting to be cuddled – most of all. But she realized, as she looked up at Chase, that she was being asked for much more. There was a warm glow in his eyes – uncertainty, mixed with desire, she thought, and she wet her lips. “Of course not.”

  By the time she found Nicky’s pajamas in the bureau drawer, he had collapsed against his pillow, his stuffed rabbit held tight. Amanda managed to uncurl him enough to take off his shoes and socks and slide him under the blankets. She stood beside his bed for several minutes, watching the way his long lashes lay against his flushed cheeks, and the soft rise and fall of his chest, and the small hand curved around the stuffed animal, before she turned out the lights.

  When she returned to the sitting room, the lamps were dim. Automatically, she thought if that was all the brighter the bulbs were, the chambermaids must be using the wrong wattage. Then Chase pulled the cork from a bottle of champagne, and Amanda forgot the lights – and everything but him.

  “That didn’t take long,” he said.

  “He didn’t stay awake long enough to get into pajamas, so I just left him in his shorts and shirt.”

  Chase shrugged. “I imagine he’ll survive.” He handed her a long-stemmed glass. “I hope you realize I put him up to this.”

  She choked on her first sip of wine, then saw the twinkle in his eyes and laughed. “You talked Nicky into luring me up here to your lair so you could ply me with champagne? I don’t think so.”

  His eyebrows went up a fraction. “Don’t you believe I’m capable of using a four-year-old in a seduction scheme?”

  She curled up at the end of the couch. “It’s not that. I just don’t think you could get him to go to sleep on
command.”

  Chase sighed and sank down beside her. “I knew there was a flaw in that plot.” A husky note crept into his voice. “This is driving me crazy, Amanda. Every time I touch you, I want you more.” He drew a line with the tip of his index finger down the side of her neck, just under her ear.

  Amanda wouldn’t have been surprised if the contact had left scorch marks. Her heart was pounding in slow, almost painful thumps.

  Just don’t get any illusions about forever, she reminded herself. If a week or two was all the time she could have, she would accept that gift gladly, and cherish it forever....

  “You don’t need to scheme at all, Chase.” Her voice was low, and she had to clear her throat before she could finish. “All you have to do is ask.”

  She saw his eyes grow even more brilliant, and his hand slipped to the back of her neck and drew her close. He didn’t put the question into words, after all, because it wasn’t necessary. The way he kissed her – and the way she responded – said it all, and when he gently pulled her to her feet and led her toward his bedroom, she did not hesitate.

  She had dreamed of what it would be like to make love with him. But in fact no dream could have matched the reality. She had anticipated the gentle sensuality of his touch, but not the impact on her as each separate nerve tingled and rasped and ached with delight. She had expected that he would be as concerned about her pleasure as his own, but she had not imagined how incredible that pleasure could be...

  And even after passion had burned itself out and left her lying almost paralyzed in his arms, her body seemed to vibrate with the memories.

  “Oh,” she said. Her voice shook. “Oh, Chase.”

  Chase raised his head and smiled at her. His eyes were bright with an expression she couldn’t quite interpret. It was more than contentment, she thought, and less than triumph...

  “Yes,” he whispered. “That’s just about the way I feel, too.” He laced his fingers through hers, and whispered against her lips, “Mandy, do you know how very beautiful you are?”

  She felt beautiful, that was sure. She was smiling when he kissed her, and that kiss of course led to another...

  She almost told him that she loved him. She didn’t know what stopped her – the last tiny fragment of common sense, perhaps, or fear of what she might see in his face if she made that declaration.

  And she told herself, in the small hours of the morning as she lay beside him and watched him sleep, that there was nothing to be gained by complicating things like that. Telling him would only lead to pain.

  He was lying on his side, one arm across her, his hand tangled in her hair because he had fallen asleep while he was running his fingers through it. She couldn’t move – not that she wanted to, of course, but she couldn’t even turn her head to see the time on the bedside clock.

  She didn’t know how long she lay that way, her mind drifting. She thought she saw the first streaks of light appear in the eastern sky, and the sight jolted her out of her tranquil mood. The inn would soon be stirring. Worse, Nicky might rouse...

  She tried to ease herself away from him, but the moment she moved Chase stirred and opened his eyes. For half a second, Amanda thought, it was almost as if he didn’t recognize her. Then he smiled, and his arm tightened and drew her down beside him once more. “Running away?” he said softly.

  “I don’t think it would be smart to bump into any of my staff in the halls, and if I wait any longer –”

  He propped himself up on one elbow and looked at the alarm clock. “It’s early yet.”

  “Not all that early.”

  “Only a little past three.”

  “Really?” She tried to twist around to see. “I thought –”

  But he didn’t seem interested in what she thought right then. He kissed her, and Amanda felt her body tighten like a perfectly tuned violin string, waiting for the virtuoso’s touch.

  And in the other bedroom, Nicky screamed.

  She had heard him scream before, of course, in anger and frustration – but never in terror. She was out of bed in an instant, shoving her arms into the sleeves of her dress, blessing the designer for making it easy to get into. She was still fastening buttons when she pushed open the door of Nicky’s bedroom.

  The nightlight cast only a dim glow across the bed, but it was enough. Nicky was sitting bolt upright, his eyes wide, his body rigid, his face contorted, and even when Amanda reached him he didn’t seem to realize that she was there. She carefully put a hand on his shoulder, and when he didn’t shrug it off, she slipped her arm around him. “It’s all right, Nicky,” she soothed. “I’m here.”

  Chase came in, still tying the belt of his robe. He sat down on the edge of Nicky’s bed, but he didn’t try to touch him.

  Abruptly the stiffness went out of Nicky’s body and he nestled against Amanda’s side. He still wasn’t awake, she thought, but that was just as well. Perhaps he would slip back into sleep without even realizing he’d had a nightmare. “Does this happen often?”

  Chase seemed to have relaxed as well. “Depends on what you mean by often. Once a week or so.” He stroked Nicky’s hair with a fingertip. “Four-year-olds,” he said, with gentle irony.

  Amanda remembered what he’d said once before, about how children Nicky’s age seemed to have an instinctive ability to interrupt at the worst possible moment. She colored a little and gathered Nicky even closer.

  His eyelids fluttered, and he looked up at her. “Mandy,” he said sleepily, and yawned in the middle of the word.

  Chase said idly, “Do you realize how much that sounds like Mommy?”

  Amanda tensed. She tried to tell herself that it had been no more than a trivial comment. But she couldn’t stop herself from looking up at him. Her eyes were wide with panic.

  Chase sucked in a deep breath. “That’s who you are,” he whispered. “My God – that’s who you are.”

  She didn’t know what had given him the key. It hadn’t been Nicky’s slurred use of her name, she thought; Chase had heard that a hundred times before. She didn’t think it had been her own startled reaction, either, for on some level Chase had already seen the truth or he wouldn’t have made the comment which had prompted her to look at him with dread.

  Perhaps it had been the way the dim light fell across the two faces, hers and Nicky’s, so close together. Chase’s job was to study expressions and resemblances, but of course he had never had a reason to look at the two of them quite that way. And so he had not seen till tonight that despite their superficial differences, the green-eyed flaxen blond and the dark-haired child with hazel eyes looked a great deal alike. In fact, the bone structure of the two faces was not just similar, it was identical.

  Amanda had seen it at once, on that first afternoon in the hotel lobby – the afternoon when she saw Nicky Worthington for the first time in four years. The first time she had seen him, in fact, since he was two days old, when she had dressed him in a handmade yellow sweater with bunnies knitted into it, and then kissed him goodbye and handed him to the lawyer who had arranged his adoption.

  There was no hiding the fact any more, that was obvious. Chase’s voice had held a note of certainty. And in any case, she would not lie; she would not deny her child.

  Nicky gave a tiny snore. Amanda eased him back against his pillow and waited till she was certain he was fully asleep before she slid cautiously off the edge of the bed.

  Chase’s voice was low and hard. “Where do you think you’re going, Amanda?”

  “Out to the sitting room. Or would you rather discuss it right here, and wake him up for real?” She didn’t turn around, and she didn’t wait to see if he was following her.

  He did, of course. He paced around the sitting room, turning on every lamp, as if darkness was more than he could bear. The lights seemed much brighter now than they had over the champagne glasses just a few hours ago, Amanda thought. They looked like the spotlight of an inquisition torturer focussed on her face...

  “
Well?” His voice was like a whip. “Are you going to tell the truth for a change?”

  Amanda moistened her lips, and raised her head, and looked him straight in the eye. “I never lied to you, Chase. You never asked me before.”

  “Dammit, there was no reason to ask!”

  She ignored the interruption. “But you’re quite right. I am Nicky’s birth mother.” Her voice was trembling, and her knees felt no more substantial than rubber bands.

  And what, she thought, are we going to do now?

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  Chase sat down suddenly on the end of the couch, like a puppet whose strings have been cut. He looked as if, even though he had made the accusation himself, he hadn’t quite believed what he was saying – and that the confirmation of his fears had knocked the breath from his body.