Family Secrets

by Michaels, Leigh

  “You don’t have to say goodbye to him,” Chase said.

  Amanda stroked the rabbit’s crushed fur. “Please don’t do this to me, Chase.”

  He didn’t answer. He signed the bill, and then he too was gone. She stood in the lobby and watched the light play on his hair, turning it to spun gold, as he crossed the sidewalk to the car. And she held Nicky’s bunny to her heart in the futile hope that the stuffed toy might help to fill the emptiness there.

  *****

  As each segment of Diamonds in the Dew was completed, a few more members of cast and crew, with their jobs finished, checked out of the inn and left Springhill behind. The day Jessamyn Arden left, the staff held an impromptu party; Amanda called a halt to it as soon as she realized what was going on, but she privately admitted that she, too, was glad to see the last of the woman – just as happy as she was when Joe Smith finally left town.

  The production people would stay a while longer, returning borrowed property and tying up other loose ends, but the interlude was over, and Springhill was once more just a quiet little town.

  Too quiet by far, Amanda found herself thinking. She had too much time on her hands, and too many memories which rushed in to fill her unoccupied moments.

  She began to think seriously of leaving. It wasn’t that going somewhere else would take away the memories, but at least there would be fewer reminders of Chase and Nicky. As it was, everywhere she went something brought one or both of them to mind. Even a dandelion peeking out of a flower bed in the park had the power to bring tears to her eyes.

  So she started working on her resumé, and one Sunday afternoon when all her qualifications and experience were written down in black and white, she called Jordan Kendall to ask if she could get his opinion on the best way to present herself to prospective employers.

  “I’ll stop by later,” he said. “Right after the softball game.”

  She left the resumé on the flat-topped trunk and started to make oatmeal cookies. They were Jordan’s favorite, and adding a little extra incentive never hurt a deal, Amanda had found.

  He arrived earlier than she had expected. The first pan of cookies was just coming out of the oven when she heard a knock at the door. He must have decided to come before the game, she thought, and called, “Come in!”

  The door opened, but there was no hearty answer. She finished taking the cookies off the baking sheet and turned off the oven; she’d finish the job later. She pulled her apron loose and draped it over the edge of the sink.

  “Jordan?” she said, as she came around the corner of the kitchenette into the main part of the sitting room, carrying a plate of cookies. “I baked your favorite extra-crispy –”

  Chase was standing just inside the door, his hand still on the knob.

  Amanda felt the plate tip, but she couldn’t stop it. She watched as it slid from her hands in what seemed like slow motion and spun toward the floor, cookies flying in all directions. “You,” she whispered. “You came back.”

  Chase came across the room to her, and for a moment she thought he was going to put his arms around her. Instinctively she took half a step backward, and he looked down at her for a very long moment and then stooped to gather up the worst of the mess.

  Amanda put her hand to her throat and watched as he picked up the shattered pieces of the cookies and set the plate on the edge of the breakfast bar. She was an idiot to dodge away from him like that, when he had probably never intended to touch her at all.

  She moved toward the center of the room. “What brings you back to Springhill?” she asked, trying to sound bright and cheerful and friendly.

  He didn’t answer, and finally she looked at him. His eyes were darker than usual, without a trace of humor. “I thought you’d had long enough to think about all this, without Nicky constantly underfoot – so you could be logical.”

  Her knees were trembling. She took hold of the back of a chair to brace herself, and hoped that he couldn’t see the way she was shaking. It wasn’t fair; she’d been through this whole tormenting scenario before, and she had made her decision. Wasn’t once enough?

  “I haven’t changed my mind.” She congratulated herself; her voice wasn’t so terribly wobbly. Chase might not notice.

  His gaze didn’t shift from her face. “Why won’t you marry me, Amanda?”

  She tightened her grip on the chair. “I’ve seen people try to hold damaged marriages together for the sake of the children. It doesn’t work, so I don’t think starting out that way would be a good idea at all.”

  He nodded quietly. “I see what you’re saying. Since the only thing we have in common is Nicky –”

  The matter-of-fact note in his voice almost broke her heart. But he was right, of course; Amanda had always known that loving him didn’t mean he felt anything similar. She nodded. “It wouldn’t work, Chase.”

  He moved a little closer. “But you see, I think you’re wrong there.”

  “You actually believe it would work?” She shook her head. “You haven’t really thought about it, then. In the end it would hurt Nicky even more. I love him too much to tear him apart like that. If he wants me in his life, I’ll always be there for him, but –”

  “That wasn’t what I meant at all, Amanda. I think you’re wrong about Nicky being the only thing we have in common.”

  She shook her head in confusion. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “I mean your scrapbooks.”

  Amanda felt as if little chunks of ice were coursing through her veins. How did he know about the scrapbooks? From Stephanie, perhaps? Nicky had never seen them; they’d never been anywhere in sight when Chase himself was around...

  Or had they? She’d almost forgotten about Jessamyn’s snooping, the afternoon the elevator broke down. Had she put the books away by the time Chase came, or had they still been spread on the trunk when he had proposed to her? And if so, would he have noticed them, or had too much else on his mind?

  “What about them?” she said warily.

  “Did you keep all those stories and photographs all these years only because of Nicky?”

  She shrugged. “Why else?”

  He didn’t speak for a long while, and finally she dared to raise her eyes to his. Then she wished she hadn’t, for his gaze was level and direct, and he seemed to be looking into her heart.

  But he said, “Stephanie was wrong, then. She told me it looked to her as if you’ve been half in love with me for years.”

  “Stephanie should mind her own business.” To her dismay, she began to choke up. “Dammit! She had no right to tell you –” She stopped abruptly, horrified at what she had almost said, and started over. “She was most certainly wrong. She shouldn’t jump to conclusions.”

  Chase moved one step closer. “I’ve only loved you for a few weeks,” he said softly. “But if you’ll give me years, Amanda, I’ll work hard to make it up.”

  The floor seemed to be rocking under her feet, but the delicate ornaments on the shelves weren’t sliding around. Amanda decided reluctantly that the earthquake she was experiencing was inside her. She fumbled her way to a chair and sat down.

  He would do anything for Nicky, she reminded herself. He hadn’t said it in so many words, but the implication had been very clear. And if Chase thought that her presence was the only thing which would content Nicky, he would take whatever route was necessary. “I can’t,” she whispered. She propped her elbows on her knees and let her face drop into her hands.

  “What can’t you do? Believe me?” He pulled a hassock around and sat down facing her, his hands warm on her wrists. “I don’t blame you. You see, I was going to propose to you that night – the morning, actually – that you spent with me, and then Nicky had his nightmare, and the world came apart at the seams.”

  She remembered the way he’d looked at her that night, with a sort of lazy triumph in his eyes, and against all reason a glow of hope sprang to life in her heart, like the first tiny flicker of fla
me in a pile of kindling.

  “I was so angry right then, Amanda, that I honestly thought I never wanted to see you again. At the same time, I was hurt that you hadn’t told me – that you hadn’t trusted me. And I was afraid that you only found me attractive because of Nicky.”

  “No,” she whispered. “Never that.”

  “It wasn’t till later I decided I didn’t care. Even if you only married me because of Nicky, maybe sooner or later it would turn into more than that. I told myself you couldn’t have been pretending all the time – you had enjoyed yourself with me, a little, at least. Hadn’t you?”

  She nodded.

  “But the doubts were still there, and when I proposed to you I did it very clumsily.” He sighed. “When you turned me down, I was furious that even for Nicky’s sake you wouldn’t try to put up with me. You gave up any chance of having Nicky – even of seeing him – rather than share my life. It was like a blow in the teeth to think you could dislike me that much and conceal it... But what other reason was there? And what could I do but accept your decision?” Very gently he pulled her hands away from her face. “But then as I was on my way to the door I saw your scrapbooks, and I realized it wasn’t only Nicky you’d been watching all these years. It couldn’t have been only Nicky. Was it?”

  Amanda whispered, “It sneaked up on me, I suppose. I was interested in you, of course. But when I met you – and I realized how crazily head-over-heels I’d gone... I never meant you to know.”

  “Is that why you wouldn’t marry me? Because you love me?”

  She nodded a little. “It sounds stupid, doesn’t it?”

  “Oh, no. Not when I’d just offered you the least romantic proposal of the century. And I could have kicked myself for it. But I could hardly turn around right then and say, ‘By the way, this isn’t just for Nicky, I’m in love with you, too.’ You’d have hit me with the nearest vase.”

  She made a sound, half-laugh, half-sob. “Probably.”

  “Every time I saw you after that, I was more convinced that it wasn’t only Nicky... Either that or I was becoming the world’s greatest fool, deluding myself that you cared about me. I wasn’t sure which – and you didn’t give me an opening to find out. If you saw me coming, you ducked out of the way.”

  “I didn’t want Nicky to be hurt any more than he already was.”

  “I know. That gave me some hope. There isn’t much you wouldn’t do for him, is there?”

  She shook her head.

  “So I disappeared in the hope that when I came back you’d give yourself away – betray some kind of happiness to see me. And if you hadn’t – ”

  “Did I?”

  “Oh, yes. It was in your eyes for just a moment, and then you shut me out again. Amanda – ”

  Tentatively he put his arms around her, and she huddled close against him, her face buried in the softness of his shirt. “I thought I’d never see you again,” she whispered.

  “I didn’t go very far,” he admitted. “Just up to Sapphire Lake to the Kendalls’ cabin. When you called Jordan this afternoon and told him you’d be at home – Well, I decided you’d had enough time to think. And I knew I’d waited absolutely as long as I could. I had to know. Amanda, I do love you so...”

  He drew her up out of her chair and over to the couch, where she nestled against him, safe in the circle of his arms. His kiss was long and deep and somehow comforting – and also the most terrifyingly exciting sensation she had ever experienced. By the time he raised his head once more, Amanda’s whole body felt like clay – warm and mellow and eager for the sculptor’s touch.

  He smiled down into her eyes and brushed his knuckle against her nose. “Most women use powder on their faces. But I kind of like the flour you’re wearing instead.”

  “You would.” She rubbed futilely at her nose. “So I baked Jordan’s favorite cookies for nothing?”

  “We could invite them over to hear the news. Unless you still think Stephanie should mind her own business?”

  “Well...”

  She recognized the look he gave her – it was partly the lazy triumph she had seen before, mixed with a healthy dose of desire – and suddenly she had no interest in anything but the two of them. But ultimately something else began to nag at the back of her mind. There was something she had almost forgotten...

  “Speaking of Nicky –” she managed finally.

  “Were we?” Chase said unsteadily. “Must we?”

  “Where is he?”

  “Upstairs, with a sitter – just in case I needed backup.”

  “You wouldn’t use him like that.”

  “Don’t count on it. A desperate man will do almost anything, Amanda.” He rubbed his chin against her hair. “I actually considered the idea – if you turned me down again – of leaving him with you.”

  She pulled away and looked at him in disbelief. “Leaving him? You mean permanently?”

  He nodded. “I thought about it long and hard. You looked so unhappy, and he’s been miserable. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t give him up. And it was then I really understood what a wrenching sacrifice you made – when you first gave him up, and again when you didn’t try to take him back from me – because you felt it was best for Nicky.”

  “I didn’t want to give him up.” Her voice was so low that Chase had to bend his head to hear.

  “Why did you?”

  She told him about her parents, and the disgrace they felt she had brought upon them, and the pressure she had been under. “But I didn’t sell him, Chase. I never saw a dime of your money. The attorney paid my expenses – that was all.”

  “I believe you. I’m sorry I accused you of that.”

  The last little knot of fear, deep in the pit of her stomach, loosened. “How can you know?”

  “Because a woman who could sell her baby to the highest bidder wouldn’t have bothered to dress him in handmade clothes before she gave him up. If I hadn’t been so angry – if I’d stopped to think – I would have remembered that little yellow sweater.”

  “Thank you for believing in me.”

  “My pleasure. Besides, I have to admit the legal niceties didn’t make all that much difference to me at the time.”

  “I don’t know what you mean.”

  He sighed. “Desiree could have offered you the earth and I’d have been the last one to know about it. I think I told you that she was the one who really wanted a child.”

  Amanda nodded.

  “I don’t know why she felt so strongly about having a baby. Possibly because she thought she might need a weapon someday, and a child would fit the description.”

  “What?”

  “That sounds pretty awful, doesn’t it? I honestly loved her when I married her – at least I loved the person I thought she was. And when I found out she wasn’t like that at all – well, I still intended to stick it out. If she thought a baby would make her happy, it was all right with me. It wasn’t till later that I began to wonder about her motives. To be perfectly honest, I figured this craze would pass, too – Desiree wasn’t known for her patience.”

  Amanda settled a little closer against his shoulder.

  “She made the rounds of the agencies, of course, but they didn’t give her much hope of getting a baby soon. So she got the idea of a private adoption – where, I don’t know, and I never did find out how she made connections with that sleazy attorney of yours.”

  “Not mine, actually. My father hired him.”

  “And paid him, no doubt? I wouldn’t be surprised if he was making money on both ends of the deal. At any rate, I didn’t realize what kind of finder’s fee Desiree had agreed to pay until after I’d seen Nicky. I’m almost sure she planned it that way – or the attorney did.”

  “Oh,” Amanda said softly. “That’s when Nicky snuggled right up to you.”

  Chase nodded ruefully. “Of course, once I’d held him – well, no amount of money would have been too much.”

  “I’m glad it worked out t
hat way.”

  He ruffled her hair. “So am I, all things considered. But for a while... Once Desiree had her live baby doll, she decided he wasn’t really as much fun as she thought he ought to be. She’d smother him with attention one day, and ignore him the next. The truth was, Nicky was mine and mine alone – right up to the minute I caught Desiree with her lover and told her I wanted a divorce.”

  Amanda’s eyes widened. “That never made the news. Or even the tabloids.”

  “She was discreet, I’ll say that for her. Not that I was watching very closely – the marriage had been over, for all intents and purposes, for quite a while. We were still talking about terms when her plane crashed. Nicky was the sticking point, of course – I wasn’t about to give him up, and Desiree knew that was the only thing I cared about, so of course she demanded custody. I don’t think she’d have pressed the point, once she got everything else on her list – but in the meantime, she even wanted to take Nicky with her on location.”