Different Loving

by William Brame

  —MITCH KESSLER

  A typical pattern for a D&Ser is to be keenly interested in a particular fetish or activity in early childhood; to experiment with this vaguely, at least during masturbation in puberty or teen years; and to repress the desire once dating begins. Knowledge of being erotically different becomes increasingly clear over time, sometimes painfully so.

  I’m from the Midwest and the suburbs. [Sex was] the things you would find out in the popular press, or what your friends would talk about—but certainly never something as unusual as D&S. After I realized that I had this interest, the next thing was, “What’s wrong with me?”

  —JOHN H.

  I was raised as a Mormon. It wasn’t until I was in my early 20s that I thought maybe there was even one other person in the world like me. So it was not only a closely guarded secret, it was a guilty secret. I went through a lot of mental anguish and turmoil. I considered it to be very, very perverted. Over the years, however, I’ve had a chance to leave a lot of that behind, and overall when I look at myself I see a pretty valuable, capable, kind, responsible person.

  —GENE

  By adulthood most D&Sers discover that the need can no longer be repressed. Although some of our interviewees found sympathetic partners while young or discovered that their mates were willing to experiment with D&S, D&Sers often marry unsympathetic (and unsuspecting) partners and later develop significant marital problems. Many D&Sers maintain a lonely and secret sexual identity.

  I’ve thought about why am I interested in this for a long time. It obviously rules a lot of people out of relationships. It’s not a subject you bring up on a first date: “By the way, let’s go home, and you can tie me up.” [But once] I discovered that I had these desires, I knew that I did not want to go through life suppressing them. One of the things that I find saddening [is that] there are a fair number of people who are married—usually men—and whose wives have no interest in D&S. They seem to be very unhappy. I don’t want to go through life like that.

  —JOHN H.

  D&S support groups are proliferating as more Americans become aware that the companionship and sympathy of people like themselves are available.

  I first discovered S/M pornography in my 20s. I eventually figured out that if they were making this stuff, it wasn’t just for me. Even then, most of it is pretty sleazy. From what I saw I didn’t want to be one of “them.” What really made me start to feel okay about this part of my sexuality were some of the people I talked to in an S/M support group. These were mostly ordinary people in the good sense. They weren’t weirdos. They had jobs like me, and wives that didn’t understand them, and stuff like that.

  —JOHN M.

  THE NEED THAT DOESN’T QUIT

  For the majority of adults who enjoy periodic D&S fantasies, roleplaying is one color on the sexual palette, in line with Alex Comfort’s supposition in The Joy of Sex that D&S can be an embellishment of erotic play. Though D&Sers typically enjoy orgasmic sex as an integral part of their encounters, they generally agree that sexual submission or dominance is the essential component of a satisfying erotic encounter.

  Sexuality and sensual pleasures have always been important to me, so D&S is just a logical extension … what Alex Comfort called “gourmet sex.” If [I’m] with a partner who’s not into it, it can often be almost totally ignored. On the other hand, a certain amount of energy or exchange of power takes place even in the most vanilla of my love interests, either as top or bottom. For example, [to be] tied and held down, or to hold someone down, or to be a little rougher than might be necessary—I find it exciting.

  —LEONARD

  Although D&S is most often used as foreplay to conventional sex, some D&Sers would sooner forego intercourse than D&S activity, and some individuals, particularly fetishists, may not be aroused by conventional sex.

  WHO REALLY DOES IT?

  I’m a very clean-cut, educated person with a good job. The references to B&D, S/M, spanking, [and] bondage in mainstream media usually portray [D&Sers] as drug-crazed killers or prostitutes or deviants. I think, because of that, a lot of D&Sers have to keep a very low profile. You can just imagine if your doctor was an openly professed sadist who had a masochistic female whom he led around on a leash.

  —BIFF

  While no accurate single profile can be drawn of the average D&Ser, a majority of our interviewees—whom we believe to be a reliably representative sampling of self-acknowledged D&Sers—are in long-term or permanent relationships. Many of them are parents, and most described themselves as monogamous. But D&S monogamy is iconoclastic. It often means that the person will have conventional sex only with a life-partner but that he or she may engage in D&S activities with others.

  [Our relationship] is monogamous in the sense of the term that I came up with—I’m proud of it!: We’re “body-fluid monogamous.” Think of the flexibility if you adhere to that one constraint!

  —MR. HAPPY

  Our interviewees tended to be fairly religious. In addition to Christians (Catholic and a spectrum of Protestant sects, from Episcopalian and Methodist to Mormon and Christian fundamentalist) and Jews, many were New Agers, pagans, Buddhists, and members of other minority religions. Many perceive a direct connection between spirituality and sexuality.

  I see my sexuality as a gift from God … My interest in my sexuality has a spiritual base. I feel very much in touch with myself through my sexuality. If I were an artist, maybe I would be painting and expressing my spirituality that way. But for me, I feel that my “art form,” if you want to call it that, is my sexuality.

  —VICTORIA

  We interviewed people in 23 states, from every region of the country. We also interviewed a few Canadians and one European. The vast majority of our interviewees are college educated, with a preponderance of whitecollar workers, small-business owners, and postgraduate-educated professionals. The most likely explanations for this demographic quirk are, first, that social involvement in D&S and fetishism generally requires leisure time and disposable income. Second, while sexual dominance or submission indubitably occurs in all economic classes, the organized D&S Scene’s emphasis on education and networking probably appeals most to the middle class.

  Sexuality theorists traditionally have held that men are more likely than women to have sadistic sexual fantasies, that fetishism is a uniquely masculine phenomenon, and that women are more likely than men to have masochistic fantasies. No evidence, anecdotal or otherwise, supports these conjectures. Indeed, submissive men are the single largest component of the D&S communities, and widespread male interest in sexual submission is an observable phenomenon.

  Why did I in fact receive far more fantasies from men that express masochistic desires than the other way around? The ratio was four to one.

  —NANCY FRIDAY3

  As a group men are certainly more visible than women in the D&S subcultures. This, however, is in keeping with the overall social phenomenon that men more readily, confidently, and aggressively pursue sexual encounters than do women. Among our interviewees the numbers of men and women who prefer the dominant role is roughly equal. The majority of all interviewees enjoy both dominant and submissive roles.

  Finally, while many interviewees pleaded for greater acceptance of all sexual minorities, D&Sers are not necessarily more tolerant than are most Americans of those D&S interests they do not share. Some spanking fetishists openly deplore “whips and chains,” many foot fetishists are appalled by pain scenarios, enema enthusiasts may express distaste for infantilists, and so on. D&Sers are as likely as anyone else to condone what they do in bed with the person they love and to criticize what somebody else does in bed with his or her partner.

  Also, despite the current “pansexual” trend, which stresses unity among gay, lesbian, and heterosexual D&Sers (pansexuality is particularly popular in the burgeoning radical sexual communities of Northern California and the Pacific Northwest), there is as yet only an uneasy alliance between some heterosexual and
homosexual segments of the D&S community.

  WHERE’S THE STUFF I LIKE?

  We limit discussion in this book to those activities that may involve a power exchange and that meet the D&S communities’ standards of “Safe, Sane, and Consensual.” We therefore refrain from investigating such activities as pedophilia, zoophilia, and necrophilia. Since children, animals, and corpses cannot give informed or legal consent to sexual activity, such encounters cannot be consensual. Our choice was facilitated by the fact that we did not encounter any D&Sers who expressed interest in these activities. Many other unusual sexual practices (such as voyeurism or swinging) are omitted because they are not typically associated with power exchange, the essential, defining element of all D&S activity. But we recognize that we may have also bypassed people who could provide a different perspective on certain activities or who may have described D&S activities with which we remain unfamiliar.

  WHY WE WRITE

  This book is not an apologia for sadomasochism. Our approach is humanistic journalism, and our goal is to explain what people do, why they do it, and what they get out of it, and to do so candidly and sympathetically. We are not scientists, psychologists, or sociologists. We do not take a quantitative approach, nor do we claim scientific accuracy. We do, however, take issue with some of the theorists who have presented theories as fact.

  Over 200 people volunteered to speak with us; an edited selection of hundreds of hours of interviews appears on these pages. Our interviewees are exceptional in their frankness, but perhaps even more significant, they are productive, private citizens who are contented with their choices. They do not commit sensational crimes. They are not the malcontents who appear in clinical studies.

  … when people are comfortable with what they do, it doesn’t come to the attention of therapists. And as long as it doesn’t tread into the area of assault—e.g., nonconsensual or pedophilia or cases which end up in the emergency room—there are no records.

  —HOWARD AND MARTHA LEWIS

  We provide a record. So impoverished is the world’s present knowledge of and education in human sexuality that most of us can only stand by helplessly as political activists fight to become the self-appointed moral guardians of our sexual freedoms, assigning values that predate our grandparents to acts of love which predate recorded history.

  With this book we hope to demystify a topic which has long suffered under a vast and oppressive cloud of antiquated mores and pseudo-scientific rhetoric. Until now honest information on alternative sexuality rarely has been available outside of scholarly magazines and partisan publications.

  We also hope to add to the greater body of knowledge about what people really do behind closed doors with the people they most love and trust. Perhaps Different Loving will help open the door for further research into the mystery, beauty, and complexity of human life and its diverse expressions.

  INTERVIEWS

  DR. RONALD MOGLIA

  I am director of the Human Sexuality graduate program in the Department of Health Education [at] New York University. We look at sadomasochism from many perspectives: clinically, socially, legally, personally, and culturally. My students are going to be professionals in the sexuality field. They’re looking at everything with a scientific eye.

  We have everybody from medical doctors to undergraduates and social workers and psychologists coming through the program we run for a graduate degree specifically in human sexuality. Part of it is studying groups of people who have nontraditional lifestyles. People who practice S/M and B&D are [in] that group of people, and we try to look at how society labels these behaviors. We [also try to see] how the individual in the behavior labels and understands the behaviors. Of course, there’s often very great conflict.

  It’s the classic kind of anthropological dilemma: An American goes to Sri Lanka, studies the sexual behaviors of the culture, writes it up, and sends back a report. That’s different than talking to a Sri Lankan and saying, “Tell me why these behaviors exist.” One of the things that we do in the study of S/M and B&D is [that] we look [at them] from outside. That is okay, but you also have to combine it with the experience and knowledge and the definitions of the person inside. [We do this] by having people who live that lifestyle come and talk to us [and] by going to organizational meetings like [the] Eulenspiegel [Society] [Author’s note: a New York City S/M support group] and having cross-cultural experiences. We’ve been going to Scandinavia every other year now for the last five years and comparing Eulenspiegel [members] with people who belong to an S/M organization in Denmark. It’s phenomenally different. Eulenspiegel has to be subdued and quiet, whereas the [Danish group is] considered a social organization and gets funding from the government, as does every other social organization. It’s got to create a difference [in] self-esteem [for its members].

  One of the problems with these types of behaviors—and I don’t mean purely S/M [but] all kinds of behaviors that are not perceived as standard behaviors among the general population—is that we tend to look at them and try to categorize them. In reality, if you look at heterosexual intercourse, you don’t ask, “Is heterosexual intercourse an appropriate manner of behavior?” Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn’t. When it’s done by consenting adults, who are over 21, using safe sex practices, in a committed, monogamous relationship, it certainly is healthy. When it’s used by the rapist to rape an individual, it’s not healthy. [Yet] they’re both heterosexual intercourse.

  There is a range of behaviors [in S/M]. There are people who are using it in an adult manner, between consenting adults, within the parameters of our legal society, and they’re living a healthy life and contributing to society. There are people who may not even be in the S/M–B&D social structure but [who] are using those kinds of behaviors and are unhealthy. You certainly wouldn’t [include] a rapist in what you’d call the mainstream, heterosexual-intercourse population. [Similarly], there are people using B&D behaviors that are not the mainstream of the healthy S/M society. [Jeffrey Dahmer is] a classic example of somebody who’s at the one end of the spectrum. For general society to group him with people who belong to the Eulenspiegel Society is ignorance. I would say tying and spanking behavior between consenting adults is no more intrinsically unhealthy than wanting to have coital sex or engaging in any kind of precoital behavior that occurs between consenting adults. [But as a society] we don’t recognize fringe behaviors that are done in an acceptable, healthy way.

  From my limited knowledge [from] field experiences, [sadomasochists] seem to have healthy relationships—if we know what that means. In the old days—[meaning] my parents’ and your parents’—a healthy relationship was one that didn’t end in divorce. [Nowadays] I don’t know what a healthy relationship is. I guess it’s when two people are satisfied with the relationship, [and] certainly I’ve met a number of people [in S/M] who feel that way.

  I don’t use the theoretical approach [that sadomasochism represents arrested sexual development]. I think it’s an unknown, and I certainly think social learning is a great influence. There’s so much we don’t know about how our sexual ideas are formed. People often perceive sexual behaviors in a political manner. A lot of our behaviors are as a result of our social-cultural learning and influences, and certainly, in women, that’s a great force. But to then take that and apply it to people who behave in a masochistic way—or in any other particular kind of way—makes me question how scientific the observations are, how politically biased the observations are, and what [such people] would say about the sadistic female that’s appropriate and the masochistic female that’s inappropriate.

  Such theories are political and have no realm in trying to understand the phenomenon. That’s another question: Do we need to understand S/M and B&D, or do we need just to accept it? When you look at the history of fetishes, three or four fetishistic behaviors were discovered between 1870 and 1900—they weren’t [actually] discovered; they were just named by a medical source. All of a sudden we are compelled to unde
rstand and interpret them. Perhaps what social scientists should be doing is trying to understand the people who can’t accept the behaviors.

  I want to tell one story about Sri Lanka. When I was there, we had to take a ride; it was only [about] 30 or 40 miles, but it was across country. In Sri Lanka that takes about seven hours by car. We didn’t know that, so we kept asking the driver, “What time will we get there?” He kept saying, “Oh, soon, fine, pretty soon, just a little while now.” The next day I told a medical colleague who’s Sri Lankan, “I’m amazed at how people don’t care about time here,” and I related the story. He started to laugh and said, “You don’t understand. Time is in God’s hands. If that driver said, ‘We’ll be there in six hours,’ he’s taking God’s right to determine how long it’s going to take to make that trip. ”

  How stupid of me, to take my values and my cultural learnings and throw it on this person’s shoulders. I think that’s what we tend to do all the time with behaviors like S/M and B&D. We take our learnings and our understandings, being outside of that subculture, and try [to] understand and explain it … or [we] just reject it.

  HOWARD AND MARTHA LEWIS

  We have written [many] books about medicine, health, psychology, and human sexuality. When CompuServe [Aus.: a million-member, international electronic network] opened their service to a variety of subjects, we proposed to do a human sexuality information service [HSX]. In 1983 we began the HSX Information Advisory Service [as] an electronic magazine with a hotline. There were special features, interviews with experts, letters to the editor, and questions and answers. That turned out to be the most important part of the service: People could read thousands of questions and answers stored there. [CompuServe] is a perfect match of medium and message. A lot of people are concerned about their sexuality. They have large areas of ignorance. Here they can anonymously ask questions of a very intimate nature. Over our hotline we get hundreds of messages a week, questions that people can’t ask anywhere else. We’ve established a direct line between [them] and the foremost authorities in the country from various areas of sexual medicine.