Different Loving

by William Brame

  The type of punishment we received as children … is often translated into the SM fantasies we have as adults. These flights of mental fancy are not limited to the experiences we actually had, or which our playmates told us about. Much of the direction these adult fantasies take is caused by the prevailing punishments meted out to kids in our particular culture. For instance, the American fascination with “good old-fashioned woodshed discipline” is as firmly rooted in the frontier mentality of Middle America as the “public school” cane is a part of British tradition.

  —LARRY TOWNSEND1

  Interviewees typically recalled periods of great unhappiness in childhood, particularly times when a parent was physically absent or emotionally remote.

  When I was a kid, bed-wetting made me feel really rejected. I had a really bad time with it because my parents completely ignored it, apparently in the hope that it would go away. It always bugged me that they didn’t do something about it. They wouldn’t do anything aside from changing the sheets. I didn’t have a real loving family. We weren’t physically demonstrative. We were all aloof. Maybe I missed out on affection.

  —GLENN

  While early experience certainly marks the child, often profoundly, cause-and-effect patterns are not always straightforward. There is no clear correlation, for example, between trauma and eroticism. Television talk shows teem with presumably sexually conventional people who had dysfunctional families, and most unhappy children seem to develop a passionate hatred of any situation that makes them feel childlike again. For the dominant, it is critical to ascertain how the submissive will respond to ageplay before initiating a scenario.

  One thing you have to look for when you start playing with this is [the woman’s] experience [with] sex. If they were sexually abused as young children, you don’t want to get into this. You have to make sure that you’re not going to be bringing up incest issues for them. They may not have liked their father at all, or not [have] grown up with a father, or have no feeling for who daddy might be.

  —DYKE DADDY

  For the ageplayer, reexperiencing childish vulnerability or helplessness in an emotionally and physically safe context satisfies a profound emotional need.

  Infantilists commonly feel that they didn’t receive all of the love and attention that they needed or wanted when they were babies, toddlers, small children. I think they’re striving to fill that deficit.

  —TOMMY

  To feel safe and loved when at one’s most vulnerable seems to be particularly gratifying to the submissive who may, for this reason, form deep and abiding bonds with the parent figure. In cases where the parent figure assumes a mentoring role in the submissive’s daily life, the bond may assume central importance. Dominants, conversely, create or emulate the image of an idealized or worshiped parent.

  In some cases ageplayers perceive their roleplaying as a safe and acceptable outlet for incest fantasies.

  I work with children. I am not about to have any kind of sexual activity with them! I think their innocence must be protected. But when I play with an adult baby, I act out [incest] fantasies in a safe context.

  —JEAN L.

  Adult sexual contact is not a typical component of ageplay, because it might detract from the authenticity of a fantasy. But there are certainly many exceptions.

  I enjoy taking care of people: That’s my thrill. It’s sexual for them while it’s happening; for me, it’s sexual afterwards. When I agreed to take [a friend] to an S/M party, I made [him] the New Year’s baby. I had him take off all his outer clothes and leave on his diapers. I wrapped computer paper around his chest as a banner [and] wrote “1992” on it. He loved it! I told him that afterwards I was going to take him home and fuck his brains out. So I [gave] vent to my incest fantasies.

  —JEAN L.

  Ageplay permits another pleasure: guilt-free narcissism. Just as children may be innocently and delightedly self-centered, the submissive ageplayer often makes little effort to return obvious stimulation to the dominant.

  His or her sole responsibility is obedience to authority. The compensations are many: All wrongs are righted by a loving authority, and every child, however naughty or dirty at the outset, is ultimately transformed into someone lovable and good. This thrilling resolution of old psychological wounds or conflicts is probably the single most emotionally satisfying experience of ageplay. The fantasy child receives an unconditional approval that the real child may never have known.

  ADOLESCENTILISM

  Adolescentilist fantasies among heterosexual D&Sers almost always focus on physical discipline. Scenarios involving an unruly high-school or college-aged student who is subjected to stern discipline—and whose comeuppance is delivered with his pants lowered (or her skirt raised)—are popular, as are misbehaving “nieces” with exasperated “uncles” and “woodshed” fantasies, where the submissive is escorted to an outdoor structure for stringent physical discipline.

  The authority figure is unlikely to assume responsibility in nonerotic matters, and the fantasy is likely of only temporary duration. The roles, without exception, are played for the sake of psychosexual gratification (although there may be no directly sexual activity), and partners revert to egalitarian (or, among lifestylers, top-bottom) roles.

  The very significant exception to disciplinary-based fantasies occurs in daddy-boy relationships, which are well known and accepted throughout gay society. Daddy-boy is a particularly important romantic variation in gay and lesbian D&S.

  I like to consider myself—although I sometimes don’t like the term with my own children—a “daddy.” There are a lot of people out there who consider themselves bottom and are always looking for a daddy. I didn’t start out that way; [but] more and more people were looking for daddies, and I said, “What the hell? I’ll try anything once.” I began to enjoy it more and more. Everyplace I go, people look at me and right away they say, “Ooooh, Daddy!”

  —LOGGER V.

  Daddy-boy relationships seem to most completely transcend the bounds of fantasy; they are multidimensional and often carry over into a couple’s daily life.

  Daddy-boy relationships have the special possibility of being lived all the time, even when daddy and boy both go off to work. It’s still daddy that the boy is going to come home to.

  —JOSEPH BEAN

  Leather or not, a daddy plays a transformational role in his partner’s life and may help shape and improve his partner’s self-esteem. Fatherly counsel may include wardrobe selection and social etiquette; it commonly includes an introduction to gay eroticism (even among equally experienced partners, the fantasy of the boy’s naiveté may be acted out). The dynamic of the relationship is that a familiar, trustworthy, mature partner intiates a younger partner into adulthood. Frequently the relationship ends when the boy has matured sufficiently to move on to other relationships; in some cases a boy may become a daddy. Some couples, however, form permanent unions.

  The daddy in a leather love affair additionally instructs his boy in submissive service.

  I think the appeal of daddy-boy relationships probably comes from the familiarity of the words and moods and options. A lot of stuff can be unspoken because everybody grew up knowing who daddy was: Daddy’s complete ascendancy is not questionable. Yet you may expect [a] daddy to be somewhat permissive or more accepting; certainly more supporting. A master expects his slave to need training, but he certainly does not expect his slave to need to be supported in his emotional growth. He expects that the creature is already adult, whereas a daddy is expected to make a contribution towards raising the boy: providing him with the support and the encouragement and guidance that he may need.

  —JOSEPH BEAN

  Daddy-boy also enhances the self-esteem of the daddy who derives considerable pleasure from exerting a positive, loving influence over a trusting partner.

  Going back to the term daddy or top or master: I have always been in that situation—as a husband, as a father. It was drawn out of me in a se
xual sense later in life. Now that I see it for what it really is, I really cannot be without it.

  —LOGGER V.

  Some couples enjoy thinking of the boy as in his early 20s rather than his teens. And a daddy is not always older than his boy, although an age gap is not unusual.

  Although daddies are masters in leather romances, the master may periodically order the boy to dominate him.

  I am a switch who gets into daddy fantasies when I am either being a very good submissive boy to my daddy or I am being a nice top to my daddy—one of my favorite fantasy trips.

  —JEFF BRITTON

  In lesbian daddy-boy relationships, both partners interact as psychological males. The dynamic is of a character similar to daddy-boy among biological males.

  In daddy-boy it’s a given that we’re both butch … I’ve always felt very supportive of the people I’ve been involved with—wanting to see them succeed. Not telling them exactly what to do, but providing guidance. I’ve also bought things for my boys—bought them their first harness or something that they would wear when they go out with me.

  —DYKE DADDY

  Partly because lesbian daddy-boy relationships propose a fundamentally man-to-man rather than woman-to-woman approach, some couples find themselves under fierce scrutiny and political attack from non-leather lesbians.

  The emotional intimacy and bonding of gay daddy-boy relationships has also influenced heterosexual and bisexual D&Sers. Female-to-male cross-dressers too may seek mentors.

  While I’m no longer [Sir Adam’s] submissive, I am something different but equally special to him now: I’m his boy. And in accordance with my liking of head games, it’s a delight to tell straight people, “No, I’m not his slave. I’m his boy,” and walk away. Then they might see me topping him one night at a club and get totally confused.

  —LAURA ANTONIO

  Finally, according to anecdotal information from interviewees, some straight dominant women have begun to roleplay as daddies to their male submissives.

  INTERVIEW

  JEFF BRITTON

  I have been involved in the leather lifestyle for seven years. I make no secret of my sexual preference, although I am not very blatant about my leather side. I have a picture of me in full leather on my desk at work. It’s a part of me and I’m quite proud of it. It helped me get through a very nasty time when I had a major alcohol problem; my leather friends helped me get out of that hole.

  I am a recovering alcoholic. I can discuss the fact that I’m gay in an AA meeting; however, if you bring up the subject of leather sex, a lot of people freak out. My first year, I didn’t talk about leather sex. [It] was very disturbing because I was hiding a part of myself. I did not like that. I then had the good fortune to go to National Leather Association’s Living in Leather conference and was relieved. I could talk about sex [and] the fact that I am an alcoholic in the same room!

  When I was young, and listening to religious [stuff] about sins, [being gay] bothered me. But then I thought, What am I going to do? That’s the way I am, and I don’t feel like changing for anybody. When the leather interest came into being, the same attitude applied: It’s just the way I am, and I have no intention of changing. I think my higher power exists, because it makes me me. I knew I was gay first; [as for leather], I became friends with someone I’m still very close to. He spotted my tendencies before I did and, in a very loving way, slowly groomed me. It was 8½ years ago. I was a college student and a black preppie.

  When I was growing up, I never associated with kids my own age. I was always with people older than me. I don’t know if it’s that I instinctively go to people older than me because I don’t relate with my own age, or whether I have been replacing the daddy that I never had. I rarely get involved with anyone my age or younger. There has always been at least a 10-year span between me and my partner.

  A daddy-son scene for me has always been [with] a man who has taken a parental role where he is, say, telling me the facts of life—not in terms of the birds and the bees, but in terms of how to please a person, how to get to know someone better, and sharing. We act [this] out. In the courting stage I may play dumb, like a kid who needs a loving, helping hand. Would I continue that 24 hours a day? No way in hell! What happens in the bedroom is the bedroom; outside, we’re two people [who] sleep together.

  JUVENILISM

  In juvenilist fantasies the submissive partner projects the persona of a child—usually between the ages of six and 12. There is a fairly typical pattern to juvenilist scenarios: First, an emotional drama precipitated by the dominant’s discovery of the submissive’s childish mischief or disobedience. The dominant, a stern but ultimately sympathetic figure, then decides on and inflicts an appropriate punishment. Finally, there is resolution and catharsis when the “naughty child” is forgiven and reassured he or she is loved. Partners rarely continue their roles once the scenario is complete.

  Daddy-girl is a game that’s played on a sexual basis. It could happen spontaneously, but it’s not ongoing all the time. At least it hasn’t been for me. I know there are other hutches [for whom] it has, but when I get involved with women long-term, I want equality [and] balance. I have a lot [of] needs; I don’t want to be taking care of somebody all the time.

  —DYKE DADDY

  Although discipline—particularly spanking—is a component of nearly all juvenilist fantasies, the punishment may take a variety of forms. For example, a “baby-sitter” may tell the submissive to stand in a corner for a period of time, or there may be lengthy scolding. Humiliation is a key component in many juvenilist fantasies, but care is taken not to undermine the submissive’s self-esteem. Instead, the dominant is likely to suggest that the submissive was naughty in a playful context and that a particular punishment will restore the rascal to grace.

  The naughty girl or naughty schoolboy [may] need a strict yet nurturing authority figure who tells them what to do and punishes them, usually in a loving manner. A lot of times they have confused punishment with caring. I’m not interested in reinforcing that stereotype.

  —M. CYBELE

  The parent figure may ask embarrassing questions about the submissive’s personal or sexual habits. By stripping away the submissive’s privacy, the dominant exposes not only the submissive’s body but also her inner nakedness and vulnerability. In some juvenilist scenarios the dominant role-plays as the erotic guide.

  In bed, you’re coming from a place of knowledge; the other person is coming from a place of innocence. It gives you sexual freedom to say, “Daddy’s going to do this to his little girl,” or “Daddy’s going to show his little boy what you might find [out] when you go to the gym.” It depends on the individual. I’ve had people I’ve introduced sexual techniques to who had never experienced those things; then it’s innocence. Others may just get into playing the role.

  —DYKE DADDY

  Each aspect of a juvenilist scenario may be laden with erotic meaning: the austerity of the dominant’s demeanor, the precise orders issued. Punishment implements also possess a singular mystique: In English discipline, for example, the emotional impact of the cane rivals its physical sensation in sensuality. Or a submissive may feel blissfully chastened when erotically coerced to wear a tight petticoat or little girl’s attire. Such details may have a critical place in the erotic hierarchy of the submissive; without them, his satisfaction is incomplete.

  INTERVIEW

  DYKE DADDY

  [I am a] dominant. I’ve been butch all my life. [As far back as] I can remember I was cross-dressing and doing boy stuff and hanging out with boys. When I became gay, it was natural for me to fall into the pattern of being butch. I think lesbians tend to get into platonic relationships where one person may [be] more together [or] may even be older. There will be a mother-daughter thing going on, but they don’t call it that, [and] they don’t play at it. A lot of lesbians tend to get together and be sexual and then [change]. After a couple of years, there is [a] platonic relationship; women m
ay stay together for years and not have much sexual interaction. They may cuddle, they may touch each other, but it’s not really get-down-get-dirty sex.

  I was in a 12-year, live-in relationship, and there’s just too much stuff you have to hash out afterwards [when it ends]. I haven’t lived with any of my lovers since then. In my live-in relationship, my partner had a daughter. I went into that relationship when I was 18; I was pretty much a kid myself. Being an only child, I didn’t have any siblings [that I had] to share with, so I was a pretty selfish kid, too. My relationship with that child was not maternal. Now I’m more of a mature woman. I know what it is to love and care for a child and [to] feel maternal instincts. [Daddy-girl and daddy-boy] feed into that. I have a lot more worldly experience [which] I can share and teach and be nurturing.

  [Although] a daddy’s girl is more of a turn-on to me than a boy, the biggest turn-on was teaching and having one boy look to me for support, for information, for love, and thinking of me as sexually knowledgeable. With daddy’s boy, it’s nurturing. One woman I was involved with was daddy’s boy: She would learn the butch stuff; we would go out and cruise women together.

  I remember going out with one of my boys. We would go to a bar and cruise the chicks, the babes—whatever you want to call it. I’d show my boy how this is done; daddy takes the lead. I’ve [also] taught some boys how to use the whip, because a lot of them want to be tops: They’re gaining some expertise from you as well. We’ve also done scenes where we’ve gone to a party and topped someone else. The two of us would top [an]other woman. This woman would [perhaps] be tied up and watching what’s going on, and at some point we might break and start kissing or making out or touching each other. It is a turn-on, because this person is tied up and wanting both of you at the same time and not able to have either of you.