by Megan Duncan
My feet stomped through the snow in the woods alongside the highway as I ran toward Autumn as fast as my legs would carry me. Cold, wet snow soaked up to my knees, freezing the flesh of my legs in its icy grip. The bite of winter had never bothered me before, but when it was given time to sink into my body it began to chill the blood in my veins. That was hard for even a vampire to ignore. My fangs extended as I tapped into the monstrous vampire inside, pushing myself harder than I ever had before. I embraced the rage of the monster I once was, using it to make myself faster and stronger. It was happy to be free of the chains I’d locked it in so long ago. Tonight, we were no longer enemies. I would have to embrace that which I hated to save the one I loved. All this time I’d thought it would destroy what I’d become, the small speck of humanity I’d been able to preserve.
An unspoken fear dug its claws into the back of mind like a festering wound. If I lost my hold even a second, would it turn my desire for her affection into something stronger? Something deadlier?
Despite my fear, my legs kept plodding through the snow, and my arms kept pumping back and forth as I ran full throttle through skeletal trees that threatened to snatch me with their spindly limbs. My eyes zeroed in on the forest before me, blurring out the world around me like a fish bowl. All there was, was the next step; the straight path in front of me, and Autumn…my angel…waiting for me to save her.
~
12
Lost Love
The sun broke through the clouds, shining on me with a brilliance that contradicted everything I felt inside. How dare it be sunny! How dare the birds sing their sweet songs, or the buds begin to blossom on the trees; their delicate color blushing the branches in a shade of pink. Today the sky should cover itself in a murky shroud, shadowing anything that threatened to show its beauty; anything that would make this day less dreadful than it was. Than it should be.
Metal scraped against metal as I yanked the curtains closed in my living room. A deep scowl had been etched across my face for days, my fangs taking permanent residence in my mouth. There was no point in hiding who, or what I was anymore. I would be leaving Denton, forever.
My books returned to their familiar cages, inside the dusty boxes I’d locked them away in for years. I hadn’t realized how vital they were to the man I had been trying to become until I sealed the last box, and looked at my empty apartment in dismay. This small, cramped space had been the first place that had ever felt like home to me. Now…now it would only be a painful memory that I could never erase.
Tom rubbed his furry chin against the offensive cardboard blocks, finding them to be the perfect scratching post. The plan had never been to keep him, but I knew there was no way I could leave him behind. His companionship had been the only thing that kept me sane the last week. Hopefully, he could keep me that way forever. Even Marie’s daily visits, had no effect on my spiral into the abyss of depression. She’d bring me dinner every night, trying desperately to pull me from the depths but I wouldn’t let her in. I should have, but I wouldn’t…I couldn’t. Maybe she would have understood how I was feeling…she, more than anyone I knew, could even come close to fathoming the magnitude of my loss.
The hands on my watch signaled I was running late; late for a day that should have never been. I tugged my coat sleeve over my wrist, hiding the silver face of my Fossil watch. I hated it. I hated it with such severity, as if the thing could actually control the very sands of time, but chose to signal the moment of misery which I so desperately wanted to avoid, just for the sheer enjoyment of seeing me suffer. I wanted time to stop; to stay frozen in place for as long as I existed, as long as fate chose to torture me. Even with the level of grief I was already in, continuing this day would only compound it. I would gladly wallow in this grief than allow time to reveal the reality that I had not even begun to feel the sharp sting of sadness.
Time would do me no favors, nor would fate. Holding my breath, I scooped my keys off the counter and stomped out of my apartment. The garish sun made itself known, and I slid on my sunglasses with a growl. My SUV was still on the side of the highway, so I marched down the alleyway toward Main Street. I hadn’t wanted to go back there, back to the moment that altered my world. The moment where my hopes and dreams betrayed me. I was happy to leave it there; to allow it to be buried beneath the last snow falls of the season. Someday someone would find it, sitting in a puddle of spring snowmelt, a bag of ice cream and a movie on the passenger seat.
The sidewalks of Denton were clear of snow and salt crunched under my feet with every step. The season had probably seen the last signs of winter and spring was ready to claim the land. I kept my head turned down, hidden beneath the shadow of my hat; away from anyone who dared look at my face. Heavy bags dropped below my eyes from endless sobbing, made worse by the dark circles that swirled around them like I’d been punched in the face. In some ways it felt a bit like I had been.
Like the terrifying gates of hell, I stood before the entrance to the cemetery as dread seared my insides. The thumping of my heart ceased; falling to the pit of my stomach and shattering into a million pieces. I thought that coming here for Hazel’s funeral had been the hardest thing I’d ever done, but I was wrong. I stared, wide-eyed, like the entry carried an invisible veil that hung over the threshold, and all that passed would venture into another world.
A world of unspeakable pain.
A world that I could never leave.
There was no turning back; my worst fears had come to light.
I could feel my soul dying with every step as I passed the divide between light and dark. A rumble began to grow inside, building into a growl that would soon scream from my lungs. The caged beast within me was being set free, and I didn’t want to fight it anymore. In fact, I was embracing it. The monster I had been fighting was going to be my sanctuary. Soon I’d forget who I was; I’d forget this town and everything in it. Suddenly the price Ming had asked for didn’t seem too high.
An evil grin threatened to pull up the corner of my lips, but I refused it when the sight before me sent the pain of my reality crashing down with staggering force. I would have to fantasize about drowning my sorrows in blood another day, because right now nothing would ease my tremendous agony. Nothing but the one thing I couldn’t have.
My bottom lip began to quiver, and my eyes began to blur with tears as my feet brought me closer to hell on earth; a hell that was covered in daisies and roses of every color in the rainbow. I’d shipped them in special delivery for today as if it would make any difference. As if she could smell their tantalizing perfume, or feel their soft petals caress her ivory skin. Their heavenly scent floated in the air reminding me of the most painfully beautiful creature that ever existed. I tried holding my breath but it was too late; the memories flooded through my mind like a tidal wave of excruciating pleasure.
I was the last to arrive, and the way their eyes watched my every step I knew they had been waiting for me. Marie, Maryann, and even several of the nurses from work and every resident that was well enough to travel; and Kenneth, my boss. Were my eyes playing tricks on me, or did they look sadder to see me than the reason we were actually all here? My head began to shake from side to side before I even realized I was doing it. They shouldn’t feel sorry for me; there was a greater loss to the world than the disintegrating of my dark heart. An angel had fallen, and with her absence an evil would be unleashed.
Maryann gestured to an open seat beside her but I couldn’t stomach the thought of sitting near her, or any of them. Their whispers of “I’m sorry for your loss”, or “She’s in a better place now” were likely to set me off. My sanity was holding on by the finest thread and the smallest poke would send me careening off the edge of an abyss. My anger was seeking a target like a heat seeking missile, and if I wasn’t careful I’d turn this funeral into a bloody massacre.
My tongue slid across my lips allowing my mind to wander into dreamy thoughts of tearing all their throats out. I wanted them to feel the p
ain I felt. I wanted them all to feel what I felt. The only thing stopping me was Autumn. What if she was looking down from heaven; what would she think? I couldn’t be the one to turn her resting place into a nightmarish landscape.
My feet cemented to the ground at the foot of her coffin. It was a dark mahogany, mixed with deep shades of red that contrasted the vibrant blooms that surrounded it. Words fluttered inside me, begging anyone that was listening to not take her away from me, no matter how futile I knew it was. How could the world be so cruel? Why had fate brought her into my life only to take her away?
One thought, and one thought alone, hammered its way past the rest. This was all my fault. If I hadn’t left then maybe she’d still be here. If I had gotten there in time; she wouldn’t have been alone.
I promised her she wouldn’t be alone!
I told her I wouldn’t leave her!
Rage mixed with sorrow, brought me to my knees as my hand reached for her. The cold, smooth wood of the coffin was all I could touch. Frosted, damp earth soaked through my pant legs, creeping across the fabric; threatening to penetrate my defenses and freeze me in place. A small part of me was okay with that. If I was going to live forever, then I would spend forever beside her. I would keep my promise, no matter what the cost.
The priest’s familiar voice hooked my heart, pulling it from its abyss and forcing me to hear his words as he laid my angel to rest.
“Those we love must someday pass beyond our present sight. Must leave us and the world we know without their radiant light. But, we know, that like a candle their lovely light will surely shine to brighten up another place more perfect...more divine. And in this realm where they shine so warm and bright, they shall live forevermore.”
Sobs traveled across the perfumed air, as the priest stepped aside and nodded to someone in the crowd. I lifted my tear-stained cheeks to see Maryann rising from her seat. Fury ignited inside me while I watched her wipe away her tears. This was all her fault! If she had told me Autumn was sick I could have helped her sooner! She knew Autumn was sick all along!
My fingers closed into fists at my sides, and my eyes shot daggers at her. The monster inside me was growing stronger and I wanted to kill her.
She walked on unsteady legs as she stood at the podium, clearing her throat as she unfolded a piece of paper. I could focus on nothing other than the pulsing vein in her neck. It would be so easy to launch myself at her. No one would be able to stop me. A laugh exploded inside me; I could kill them all and nobody would ever know!
The muscles in my legs began to obey the beast, lifting me slowly from the ground, but Maryann’s first words halted me. I buckled, my breath catching in my chest as a gasp escaped me.
“Autumn asked me to read this,” she said with a somber tone. Her eyes traveled to me, locking on with such intensity that an eerie shudder crawled across my body. Something told me Autumn had meant this message for me.
“When I must leave you, please do not grieve, and shed wild tears or hug your sorrow to you through the years. Start out bravely with the gallant smile I loved so dearly. For my sake, and in my name, live on. Feed not your loneliness on empty days, but fill each waking hour with the happiness we shared together. Reach out your hand, and I will comfort you. In life I loved you, and in death I do the same. Let my memory be your serenity, my love your guide, and know that I am always with you. Forever.”
My hands shook, reaching for Autumn again. I wanted to crawl into the coffin with her. Her words touched me, and for a moment I felt like she was still here with me. I had to let her go, but I didn’t think I ever could. I didn’t want to. She wanted me to live on, but that would be a promise I doubted I could keep; at least not entirely. The William she knew had died with her, and would be buried with her today.
Several other people stood at the podium to speak, but their words drifted away into nothing. Autumn’s words repeated over and over in my mind, and I imagined her sweet voice speaking them to me. Forever…I could have given her forever, but I was too afraid of destroying who she was. Turning her would erase who she was, and destroy the beautiful being I had cared so deeply for. The pain of transformation was excruciating; threatening to melt a person’s flesh from their bones as the fearsome heat burned from within. And when an eternity passes, and the pain fades to a throbbing, constant ache, there will be only one thing that could relieve it.
Blood.
Autumn would feed with an insatiable hunger, gorging herself with the blood of any and every beating heart she could find. Bile rose in my throat as I imagined her over a pile of bodies, her angelic face and sunlit hair dripping in crimson. Ravaged flesh torn to shreds by her razor sharp fangs, and a deadly stare twisting her features.
But, I was different. If I had turned her, perhaps she would be like me? What if she hadn’t transformed into a mindless monster? It was a risk I should have taken, and I felt guilt churning inside me at all the what ifs. Maybe I was being selfish, but I’d rather she was here. It didn’t matter if she remembered the kindness that had made her who she was; at least she’d still be breathing. I could have guided her, helped her be more than just a vampire.
I could have…I should have.
A hand reached out and squeezed my shoulder, jolting me out of my thoughts. I jumped up, shoving the intruders hand off me. I didn’t want to be touched. I didn’t want anyone touching me ever again.
Maryann stumbled back; fear plastered on her face at my reaction. She clung to her chest, breathing deep breaths. I saw that the folded piece of paper was still clutched between her fingers, so I snatched it away from her. She remained frozen as I unfolded the wrinkled parchment to find Autumn’s handwriting inside. She’d written the message herself, and I held it against me as if it were her. I hugged it, wishing what she said had been true. That she really would be with me, forever. I pulled it away; wanting to read the words again when something caught my eye. The upper left corner was folded over, so I peeled back the flap with my thumb to see my name written in Autumn’s curling scrawl.
She had written it for me.
Tears burned in my eyes as I clenched my jaw, my fangs piercing the inside of my lips causing tiny drops of blood to taint my mouth with their coppery sweetness.
“She wouldn’t want you to remember her this way, William,” Maryann whispered, stepping forward to try and comfort me. Without even thinking, a growl bellowed out of me and I bared my fangs at her as tears flew freely down my cheeks.
“What do you know of what she would want?” I screamed at her as she tripped over her own feet to get away from me. A tiny part of me was delighting in watching her squirm before me, relishing in the fear in her eyes and the thundering of her heart; but, there was something missing in her reaction. Something that gave me pause.
I closed my maw, dug my nails into my palms and tried to breathe deeply as I stared her down. Maryann was terrified of me, locked in place as her body shuddered, but she wasn’t at all surprised. At the sight of my fangs she didn’t look the least bit shocked. She might have been horrified, but I knew that this wasn’t the first time she’d seen a vampire…nevertheless, it would be her last.
“Who are you?” I asked, kneeling down to grasp her arm and yank her to her feet.
“W-w-what do you mean? You know who I am, Will, we’ve worked together for years,” she answered, stammering as her eyes darted about. There was no escape for her and no rescue either. The rest of the funeral party had dwindled away. We were alone in the middle of a cemetery, and I held her life in my hands.
“Don’t lie to me! You know what I am, don’t you?” I barked at her, shoving her onto one of the many empty seats. She avoided my gaze, grasping onto the cushion of the seat as if it were going to launch her into oblivion. “Answer me!”
“Yes!” she shrieked in fear. “I know what you are!”
“How?”
“That doesn’t matter now,” she replied confidently, suddenly feeling bold.
“I’ll decide what ma
tters.”
“This isn’t the place.” Her eyes wandered to the coffin, then back to me. “I came here to…to…”
“To what?” I snarled, interrupting her.
“To give you a message!” she rumbled back, reclaiming her old fire from years as my superior.
“What message?” I asked, as if I didn’t give a shit what she had to say, hiding the fact that I was a bit intrigued.
“Midnight, tonight,” she replied, standing up and shrugging off the last traces of her fear.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I was starting to get annoyed. I had zero patience and with every word from her mouth I wanted to kill her all the more.
“She left you something.” Maryann strode confidently toward me, ripping the letter from Autumn in my hand and shoving it against my chest.
“What?” The word came out in a whisper, betraying how easily just the thought of Autumn could break me down.
“Her place. Midnight.”
With that, she walked past me, brushing her shoulder against me smugly as she made her way to a waiting black suburban that I hadn’t even noticed pulled up. What the hell was going on? I stared after her, completely puzzled as she disappeared inside and it peeled out of the cemetery. Nothing was making sense. Maryann knew I was a vampire, but there was more to it than that. How and why would she have a message for me from Autumn? How long had she known what I was and who else was in that suburban?
I pushed all those questions aside as I stood alone in the cemetery with no other company than the remains of the woman I loved. A light breeze fluttered the flower petals on the coffin, threatening to rip them from their soft, nestled bouquets. I gingerly slid my fingers across the wood, playing with the edges as the urge to lift the lid tormented me. I just wanted to see her one last time, to touch her face and give her one last kiss. Before I even realized it, I was moving the flowers aside before my fingers broke the seal of the lid. I lifted it up an inch before closing it. I repeated this process three times before I fell into my seat completely grief-stricken.