Take Me As I Am

by JM Dragon

  “I’ll manage.” Thea looked at her friend. “Don’t be concerned. I’ll be all right.”

  “Will you call me when you get a place to stay and let me know you’re safe? I’d appreciate it.”

  Thea placed a hand on Alice’s arm and gave her a weak smile. “Yes, I will and, Alice, thank you for being such a good friend. Will you do something for me?”

  “Sure anything.”

  Feeling the pain for her friend, Alice hugged her tight. “Everything will work out, Thea, it will. You see if it doesn’t,” she whispered.

  †

  Thea saw the concern mirrored in Alice’s eyes. Did she always warrant the knight to come out of the trees to protect her? Tears stung the back of her eyes as her thought about Joanna and the role she played as her improbable protector.

  Oh, God, how I wish success hadn’t changed Joanna. If only we kept on that bus, and passed by Nashville and all it offered her. The words crashed around in her mind but she knew that it would crush her heart to prevent Joanna from succeeding in any way.

  She pulled an envelope out of her pocket. “I intended to leave this at the apartment but I didn’t.” She handed it to Alice. “Please, give this to Joanna for me. She’ll understand when she reads it.”

  “You didn’t tell her, did you?”

  “I couldn’t. She was so happy and her performance was so marvelous. How could I burst her bubble by telling her I was leaving?”

  “Greyhound bus number six seven nine for Knoxville and points east is now boarding on platform three,” blared through the loud speaker.

  “There it is.” Thea broke away from Alice giving her a watery smile. “I’ll miss you, Alice. If you get the chance, please, from time to time, check in on Joanna for me.”

  “Of course I will. Count on it.”

  Alice walked with Thea and they both handed the luggage to the driver for stowing underneath the bus. “Safe journey, my friend, and please, call me.”

  “I will. Goodbye, Alice.” Thea, the last passenger to board the bus, climbed the steps before turning to her friend. “You know that Calum’s a great guy. You should check out Sam’s Bar on a Thursday one evening.”

  Thea entered the bus, took a seat by a window, and waved goodbye to her friend.

  Chapter Sixteen

  People packed into her dressing room as Jo fought to find Thea in the morass of bodies. She spotted Lee, who was smiling at everyone that came to shake his hand. The record producer was in his element. She finally gave up looking, realizing that Thea probably had already gone home. She hated fuss and this was definitely fuss.

  She hoped the next four hours would roll by quickly so she could say goodbye. Goodbye to all of this and go home for a long bubble bath and good company. Lee was nothing else if not good company but she knew that wasn’t enough. When she was feeling strung out, Thea would smooth it all away with her gentle chatter. Her friend had the gift and Jo knew above all else that she needed to have Thea in her life. That came to her clearly when Thea had arrived earlier at her dressing room. In that moment, she realized that Thea’s unconditional understanding and faith ensured that she remain on the path to success.

  “Jo, would you care for a glass of champagne?” Lee handed her a flute.

  She looked at it and shook her head. “I’d rather have a beer. Is there any?” Jo looked around her small dressing room and wondered how so many could get into such a confined space. She didn’t care for it that much herself, people were a little too close into her personal comfort zone.

  “Darling, if you wanted a brewery, I suspect on the strength of your performance today Jack would be willing to buy you one.”

  “Yeah. One beer will do, thanks. Did you see Thea around or did she leave when the masses arrived?” Yesterday, she was nobody and today people were waving at her, grinning stupidly. It was what she had always wished for but now she hated it.

  “I think she left when the masses arrived. I didn’t actually see her go. I guess she’ll be at the apartment waiting for you. I was kind of hoping you might want to spend the night with me. I have to go back to New York tomorrow.”

  Jo heard the slight disappointment in his charming tone. She had forgotten. “Lee, I’d love to spend the evening with you, but….”

  “But?”

  “Thea will be waiting for me. I said we’d talk and I want to share this with her, Lee. She’s the reason I stuck around so long and kept up the long hours to get to this point. I owe her big time. Soon enough I won’t have much free time. Will I?”

  Lee placed his arms around her and hugged her close, “So very true, darling. When we get married, I promise you that what little free time you have I’ll commandeer it.” He kissed her lightly before releasing her to the fans bidding for her attention.

  Jo slipped into the public eye once more and watched as Lee approached Jack with a slap on the back and a hearty handshake. For a moment, her gaze lingered on Lee and once again realized that the excitement was missing where he was concerned.

  Moments later, Jack approached her. “You’re on your way, now,” he said.

  “The icing would be Thea being here.”

  “Strange, I saw her speaking with Lee during your first song then she suddenly left.” He lifted one shoulder. “I guess it was too overwhelming for her.”

  “Maybe so.” Jo’s eyes searched out Lee who was leaving the room.

  †

  Jo put her key in the door, sighing heavily. For several hours, she’d been plagued with a fluttering stomach she tried to rid herself of but failed. At first, she thought it was the telecast but once that was out of the way, it remained. She knew that Thea would have some tonic for her nerves. Who would have thought that nerves would strike hard, cynical Joanna ‘Jo’ Lackerly. Hadn’t she seen enough in her lifetime thus far to rid herself of that emotional upset? Obviously not.

  As she walked into the apartment, the darkness and absence of sound struck an irrational chord of fear in her. The place felt cold. Maybe there was a problem with the power?

  “Thea, I’m home and am I glad to be here.”

  Her voice appeared to echo as she waited for a reply that never came. A puzzled expression crossed her face as she walked around the apartment. Thea wasn’t in the kitchen and there was no evidence of cooking.

  Then it dawned on her as she neared the living area and saw the closed door. I bet she’s having a celebration party for me. I’ll walk through the door and there she’ll be with candles, a cake, and a beer. I’d better school myself for the surprise.

  She turned the doorknob and opening the door gradually, noting the darkness. Yep, sure thing, Thea is up to something.

  Jo expected to hear a shout from her friend or applause or something but there was nothing. She blinked several times in the darkness before running her hand to the switch to turn the lights on. As the area illuminated, she saw it was empty, too. What was going on?

  After scanning the area quickly, her heart began beating erratically and she turned, rushing out of the room. Flinging open the door to Thea’s bedroom, she switched on the light. The room was neat and tidy, however nothing represented that her friend was there. Usually Thea’s nightgown was on the bed but it wasn’t there, nor were any of her other knick-knacks. Jo moved automatically toward the closet and opened it. Empty hangers were forlornly waiting for clothes.

  Jo looked around the room again and saw Thea’s phone on the nightstand. She grabbed it and pressed the dimpled button at the bottom. “Shit, I need her passcode.”

  After pressing in various combinations of numbers including birthdates and failing she closed her eyes. “Fuck!” She tried one last combination 5656 and the screen opened—her passcode was Jo. A memo application was open. With trembling fingers, she pressed the play arrow…

  “Joanna, by now you know that I have left. I appreciate that now that you are truly on your way to being a big star, you need someone with more…ah—I think sophistication is the right word—as your mana
ger. The last thing I ever want to do is hold you back and now I’ve come to the realization that I’m doing just that. I wish only the best for you. I love you, Joanna, now and always. Be happy in your life with Lee.”

  “She’s left me.” Jo continued to hear Thea’s words that were floating in the air all around her. She sank to the floor, placing her head in her hands while the tears of exhaustion and pain flooded her cheeks.

  “This isn’t happening. It can’t be. It’s all a dream. I’ve fallen asleep at the party and my worst nightmare is coming true. I need Thea in my life. I don’t think I can make it without her.” She wept harder. “It’s all my fault for being so selfish and unthinking of Thea’s needs. I brought her here only to abandon her and for what?”

  For the first time since Jo could remember, she cried like a baby. Thea’s leaving pierced her heart and soul. Thea was gone. What would she do now? Her eyes widened as she recalled Thea’s words.

  “Lee!” He’d used the word ‘sophistication’ on more than one occasion when he was trying to get her to change managers. Hadn’t Jack told her that Lee was talking to Thea before she suddenly left?

  Jo snatched her phone from the back pocket of her jeans and pressed Lee’s number.

  “Hey, babe, did you change your mind and decide to spend the night with me instead?” Lee asked in an upbeat voice.

  “What did you say to her?” Jo snarled.

  “To who?”

  “Don’t you dare pretend innocence to me, Lee. I know you talked to Thea. Tell me what you said to her.” Jo kept her voice controlled and even, while seething inside.

  Silence filled the airwaves.

  “Tell me, you bastard,” Jo screamed.

  “Babe, she’s holding you back and you know it. You’re on your way to being a mega star and you don’t need the extra baggage of a hanger-on. She understood that.”

  “Fuck you. I never want to see or hear from you again.” Jo ended the call. A few seconds later the phone began ringing and she held down the button until she saw slide to power off and swiped her finger across the screen.

  †

  Thea gazed unseeingly through the window of the bus as it traveled farther away from Nashville. She indulged in a few more tears that she had wanted desperately to shed while she waited with Alice for the bus to leave. She hadn’t wanted to go, however her edifying conversation with Lee had summed it up—she wouldn’t be needed in Joanna’s life any more. Her friend was going into the stratosphere with her prospects and hangers-on like her were no longer needed. She was to be the first casualty on Jo’s road to fame.

  The last time she had traveled any distance on a bus, she had been running away from a fiancé, her hometown, and all that had meant. Once she’d met Joanna, she had felt that the singer was her home and she could face anything the world threw at her. Now she was alone and running away again. This time the reason—she no longer belonged in Joanna’s life. Her heart was breaking into a thousand pieces. She hadn’t wanted to leave her home behind because Joanna was her home and would always be regardless of the geography. Thea knew she would never truly be happy again. How could she? Joanna was her happiness.

  Her eyes stung when she closed them. The pain in her chest threatened to engulf her in the morass she was feeling. This shouldn’t be happening. She should be celebrating with Joanna and considering the next step in their futures. She’d run away from her friend without the decency of saying goodbye. She’d left the message on her phone not knowing whether Joanna would hear it or not.

  What is it with me? Am I going to spend the rest of my life running away from my problems?

  She didn’t have enough of a backbone to stand up for herself and was destined always to need a protector.

  Oh, God. Joanna, please, can’t you see I want you as my improbable protector for the rest of my life? Please don’t let me go forever. I love you and will always love you. I had to go, Joanna, I really did. Perhaps one day you will understand and find me again. I’m hoping you do because my life depends on it.

  Thea looked out the window. Her impassioned words were echoing in her head.

  How can she find me if she doesn’t know where I am?

  The bus steadily moved closer to its destination and Thea looked at the map resting in her lap. Once again, her tears fell on the paper and she wiped them away while contemplating what her life would be like in the small town in New York’s Hudson Valley.

  †

  Fans screamed and shouted around her as Jo finished the concert performance in Atlanta. Tomorrow she would be back in Nashville and normality, although that wouldn’t include Thea. How could anything ever be normal again without her friend? Her life the past ten months had been surreal and crazy wild. She’d made the big time. That was what Jack told her every day when he contacted her.

  The concert reviews and the record sales were phenomenal. The icing on the cake was the nomination by the Country Music Association for best new artist, song of the year, and album of the year. For a virtual newcomer that was unheard of. Eating, sleeping, and drinking music and more music consumed her. She didn’t even allow herself the luxury of a day off. Her road crew was exhausted and would grumble at the exhausting schedule she put them on.

  Tomorrow they could rest and perhaps go on to other projects. She hadn’t really decided if she wanted to take on the road crew permanently, although Jack had asked her to consider it in the wake of her popularity.

  With ten months, thousands of miles and numerous concerts under her belt, the trade papers referred to her as a workaholic and the hardest working performer in the industry. She was. Now, she had to go back to the apartment and face the despair of losing her friend once again.

  It would be for the last time. Jack offered to have the apartment cleared out for her and move all her belongings to the new apartment she was renting in Nashville with a view of the river.

  Her engagement to Lee ended after Thea left. Jo was holding him directly responsible for her friend’s departure. Once she acknowledged that the only person important to her was Thea, she knew any other relationship would never work. She had been too selfish to realize how much Thea affected her life. What other reason would there be for Thea to leave? Thea was the only person Jo really cared about and it had broken her heart that she’d left without a trace.

  She recalled the night that she’d discovered Thea gone and then the knock on the door. When she opened the door, Alice stood there glaring at her…

  “Are you proud of yourself, Jo?” she’d sneered. “Thea is the sweetest kindest woman in the world and you treated her like shit.”

  Jo just hung her head. Alice hadn’t said anything she hadn’t said to herself. “Do you know where she is?”

  “No. Even if I did, I wouldn’t tell you. Do you even care how devastated she was? She loved you, Jo, and you threw her out.”

  “I didn’t. I’d never do that.”

  “No, you sent your boyfriend to do your dirty work. How could you do that to her?”

  “Alice, no! I never did that. I wouldn’t. Please tell me where she went.”

  “Here,” she shoved an envelope at her. “She asked me to give this to you.” Alice shook her head. “I don’t know how you live with yourself. You’re pathetic,” she snarled before turning and leaving.

  Jo closed the door, clasping the letter to her heart. She ripped the envelope open hoping to find out where she was. She swallowed hard and with trembling fingers, she carefully opened the page.

  Dear Joanna,

  I know you are wondering what’s going on and I can’t blame you as I write this, I wonder, too.

  Nevertheless, I’ve decided to break out on my own. It was time. I can’t let you continue to fund everything for the rest of my life and it was beginning to feel like that. Please don’t think me ungrateful because I’m far from it.

  As I looked at our months together, I realized how much I’d grown up and could handle myself. I owe that to you, Joanna, and only you. Mayb
e one day in the future we can meet up again, talk about old times, and reminisce on how we have both fared in the world.

  One thing I know for sure is that you are a star in my eyes and always will be. I wish you so much success, my friend. You deserve it. I, of course, won’t tell you where I’m going because I know you too well. You will try to find me and I think it’s time for us both to move on.

  Wish me the same in your heart, Joanna, and know you will always be with me in my heart, wherever I travel.

  Take care, my friend,

  Thea

  Jo traced her thumb across what she knew were teardrops. “What have I done?” she whispered.

  After that, Jo threw herself into her work, numbing the pain she was feeling without Thea in her life. She had to admit that being the center of attention had done her ego a world of good but she still felt hollow inside. What did it all matter if she couldn’t move on as Thea had decided to do? She didn’t really blame her for leaving. She had been so engrossed in achieving her dream that she forgot that other people needed her—one person in particular. It had been her choice to bring Thea along and her friend didn’t deserve abandonment and neglect. Many agonizing late night hours had her hoping that Thea had found a safe haven. If she knew for sure then maybe, she could settle down to a life, too.

  She plastered a smile on her face for the people who asked for her autograph, duly complying with their eagerness for a memento of the concert and of her. As she made her way back to the dressing room, she slumped down in the leather chair and wiped away the perspiration from her brow before looking at herself in the mirror.

  She saw an exhausted, unhappy, and lost woman who had no one to share her success and failures with. What seemed like a long time ago now, she had considered wealth and success her major goals in life. Now, she’d be happy playing a local bar if she had someone out in the audience who was happy with her as a person. Thea had once been that person. Jo had come close and had thrown it away.