ROCKED BY THE WAVES
Page 19
«Keir, dear! I was so worried...», I tried to smile.
When we were in the house, I asked Edward to take the kids to their rooms. He did.
«I’ll come explain them what’s going on. Don’t tell Anish anything, please».
I asked Rhona to make something hot, then looked at Keir. He was pale and skinny. His leg was injured, but it didn’t seem too serious. Moon and I would help him recover. I took his clothes off.
«I knew you wanted to see me naked», he laughed.
I smiled at him and went to look for warm, clean clothes.
I got him dressed.
«Better?»
«Much better».
«What was this mission about?»
«It was dangerous and I can’t talk about it».
We were holding hands.
«You tell me anyway».
«It was in Europe. I had spoken with the general, first. That’s all I can say».
A bell rang.
«Where in Europe?»
«Why do you want to know?»
«Just curious», I tried to sound nonchalant.
«In Northern Europe».
A second bell rang.
«And?»
«Got ourselves in an itchy situation. We lost two soldiers and the others got injured, way worse than me. We succedeed anyway».
«What were you supposed to do?»
«Spy on someone... That’s all I can say».
I knew that the general and Alex were friends and I also knew that Europe was undergoing important changes. But what had it to do with Keir?
«Am I your friend? So you need to tell me. You disappeared. I knew nothing about you! And now there you are. So?»
He looked at me, then hugged me and kissed me passionately. I tried to elope, but couldn’t.
«Claire, I’m doing this for you. I know it sounds awkward. Ask him. If he wants, he’ll tell you».
Him? I was angry. Was I the only one who was unaware of what was going on?
«You mean Sam?»
He shook his head.
I got up and left. I went to fetch Anish.
«Come on, guys! Let Anish meet uncle Keir, then we can all have hot chocolate».
They run downstairs. Dubh was waiting for them.
I let Anish alone with Keir, then fed the kids. Cinnamon biscuits and chocolate.
I got some to Anish too and made a porridge for Keir. As I was leaving them, Keir took my arm.
«It’s been painful, Claire. Going away. I am happy to see you and don’t want you to be mad at me».
I turned to him.
«It’s about Alex, right?»
He didn’t say a word. Then he took a deep breath.
«Partly. But you should talk to Sam. I can’t tell you, I promised I wouldn’t».
He left my arm and I went away.
Sam got home one hour later.
«Where have you been?», I asked.
He looked at me. He was confused.
«Took your father to the station, then worked. Wolves have been trying to get into the stable tonight. The place needed to be fixed».
I was ready to explode with anger.
«Keir’s here. Got here on an ambulance. He’s with Anish. Don’t you have anything to tell me?»
He was stuck.
«I must talk to him».
«You must talk to me».
I didn’t want to fight with him. He was a good husband and a great father, but I didn’t like his hiding things from me.
«Come with me», he said. I followed him.
«Remember when you talked to Keir last year? He did some research and found out Alex knew we had been to Halifax. He was coming here. Keir told me, so we both decided he would go to London and leave false traces here and there. He asked his general to go on a mission. The general agreed, so he left».
I was petrified and shocked.
«I didn’t want you to worry...»
We hugged.
«I’m sorry», I said. «What shall we do now?»
«I must talk to him».
«I want to know everything about that».
«You will», he promised. «Now I must see Keir».
He left. When he came back, he was happy. He played with Dubh and with the children, but it looked like he was trying to avoid me.
«So?», I asked.
«Keir has been doing a good job».
I wasn’t convinced. If Alex was still looking for me after eleven years how could Keir have solved everything in less than a year?
«Let’s have lunch», I said. I was determined not to let go, but I knew that asking was not a good strategy. «Help Keir come downstairs».
Lunch was good. Dubh ate with us and the kids played throughout the whole meal.
«How was Europe? How was fashion?»
They looked at me. I had never been interested in fashion.
«What? I’m a woman, after all».
«Well, I... don’t know».
«Didn’t you notice women?», I asked in a stubborn voice. Sam looked at me, Keir turned red.
«I was busy, you know».
«So. What else? Europe?»
He was still looking at me.
«It’s complicated, I believe... political and economical tensions... and there’s an upcoming war, I believe».
It was not a pleasant conversation. Not at all. Sam and Keir started discussing politics.
Keir stayed with us for two months. Moon took care of him and he recovered quickly. He needed a stick to walk, though. Sam was working very hard and he used to spend a lot of time with Edward. He was worried, though, I could see that.
It was June. He woke up early and sat next to me.
«I must go», he whispered in a low voice.
It was still dark.
«Where to?», I asked.
«Must fix things. Just don’t worry».
Worry? I opened my eyes and looked at him.
«I love you and always will», he said. Then he left. It was four o’ clock in the morning.
At midday, I was starting to worry. I went up to Keir.
«Why isn’t Sam back?»
He was sitting wish Anish and Jodie.
«I don’t know», he said in a vague tone.
«You do. Tell me!»
He took a deep breath.
It was then that I fainted. When I woke up, I was crying.
«What will I do now?»
«He’s doing this for you, Claire. He must talk to Alex. I’ll stay here, don’t worry. I’ll take care of everything».
I was very unhappy. I run away. I was still crying and needed to be alone.
I sat under an oak. I looked at the flowers and the leaves. Keir sat next to me. I hadn’t noticed him approaching.
He hugged me. «I know how it feels like. I feel like this everyday. He will be back and you are going to be free».
The pain was just too much.
«Let’s go. The kids are scared. They need you and I need you too».
We got home.
The days without Sam were awful. The kids used to ask me where Sam was and I used to tell them he was on a business trip.
Keir was doing much better and he could even ride. He still wouldn’t talk to his parents.
Eoin got married, some other guys worked nearby. Many of them had decided to study a bit longer.
At night, when I was alone, I cried a lot. One night, Keir came to me and sat on the bed.
«Is there anything I can do?»
«Make him come back», I cried.
«Winter’s approaching, Claire. Travelling is impossible now».
I cried more and more.
«I promise I’ll go look for him as soon as spring comes».
«Thank you», I whispered.
«May I sleep here tonight? I just want to make sure you get some sleep».
«All right, then».
He kissed my forehead and hugged me.
I fell asleep at once. It was my fi
rst night with Keir and that sounded awkward.
He hugged me the whole night and kissed my neck. When I woke up, he was still there. He smiled at me. His green eyes lit up.
«Feeling better?»
«I am. Why are you doing this?»
«This being... sleeping with you?»
We smiled.
«I love you and I always will. I don’t want you to hurt».
«Why do you love me?»
«I don’t know. Why do you love somebody instead of someone else? Why does the sun come up every day? Why does the moon come out at night? It just happens and you can’t change it. And you don’t want to change it. I love you since I was sixteen. Now I am twenty-seven».
I was stuck. I kissed him.
«Don’t leave me», I whispered.
«I already tried that, but it didn’t work out. I won’t try that again».
I knew he was making an effort not to hug me. It was my choice, whether he would become more than a friend or not.
On the following night, once the kids put to bed, I found myself alone. I was sad, so I went to Keir’s room.
«May I sleep with you?»
He wasn’t surprised.
We hugged. He was not wearing a shirt, so I could feel his skin over my shoulders. I shook. He stayed still.
The days were long, the nights were warm because of him. When spring came, we still hadn’t done anything more than sleeping. He was kind to me and he used to spoil me with flowers or sweets. Moon and Keir became friends and even my dad seemed to like him. He was good to the kids.
I knew he wanted more from me, but it was too soon. I also knew he would wait for me to be ready.
CHAPTER 26
A TIMELESS PEACE
It was 1905 and May was coming to its end. Sam had left one year before and he had never written to me.
«You promised you’d go look for him», I said.
«Do you really want me to?»
«Why are you asking?»
«You might be disappointed».
What was he talking about?
«What are you...?»
«You must be prepared».
«I will come with you. Moon can take care of the kids».
He looked at me.
«I’ve had one year to think about this».
«Okay then».
«What about your job?»
«I resigned».
«What?»
«Two months ago. I wanted to be with you for as long as I could».
He turned pink.
«We’ll leave on Saturday», I replied.
We would use my father’s ship. It was not going to be a comfortable journey, but I didn’t care.
«We should start from Le Havre».
On Saturday, we got to Halifax. I was anxious and nervous.
We got on the ship. We would share the bathroom.
The beds were small and the only furniture was a desk.
«It’s not that bad», Keir said.
The sailors were not especially polite and they were not used to having a woman onboard.
«They are used to dealing with prostitutes, I believe», Keir said.
«What do you know about prostitutes?», I asked.
He turned pink. «Nothing».
When we left, I tried not to think of all the people I was leaving nor the only person I may end up not to find. I went to my bed and cried.
Keir joined me and he hugged me at once. He caressed my back.
«Do you think we’ll find him?»
«He will find us, when the time’s right». He took a deep breath. «I’ll go fetch something to eat».
The sailors spoke many languages and the time seemed surreal. The ocean was vast and the peace you could experience was sort of timeless. We needed to be in synch with the sailors, because we were the only passengers. We had three meals per day, which were light but good. I got lonely.the sea was huge and I was so small.
We ate alone, because we didn’t like tha sailors commenting on me.
During the night, I felt the waves gently rocking me. After three days, I was used to that.
On the tenth day, it was terribly hot. I was wearing a shirt and had decided to relax for a while.
I could hear the sea and I liked that. Keir’s hand caressed my belly. I opened my eyes and found him sitting on the floor, looking at me.
«You scared me. What are you doing here?»
He didn’t reply, but his hand caressed my body and touched my breasts. He opened my shirt and touched my skin. Then he stood up and kissed me. I hugged him and he took my shirt off.
«I love you»
I looked at him and kissed him. We made love. I didn’t know why I was doing that, maybe I needed someone to stay with me for a while.
On the morning after we were sleepy. We had hugged throughtout the whole night and Keir was still kissing me.
«What shall we do?», I asked after kissing him back.
He seemed to be happy. «My darling, you are mine now».
Yes, I knew that.
«I mean, what shall we do when we get to Paris?»
He didn’t reply and we made love once again.
He had wanted that for a long time and now I was his.
At lunch time, I was hungry.
«Do you want to eat?»
«I do».
«Me too. But you’re much better than any kind of food».
We got up.
«I’ll get dressed. Then we’ll have to talk», he said.
«Wait, I should use the toilet first...»
«I’ll wait for you outside, then».
«What?»
«I don’t like the idea of you being alone with all these sailors around».
«Are you jealous?»
He lowered his eyes and turned pink.
«Maybe».
«Oh, Keir...»
«I don’t like it, when men look at you».
«Keir, do you remember that we are on a trip to look for my husband?»
«You love him. I know that. But he is not your husband».
I was angry. I got dressed without a word.
«Claire!»
I didn’t reply.
He grabbed my waist and made me turn to him.
«I know you love him, but you’re in love with me as well».
Then he kissed me passionately.
«I nearly went mad for you. I can stand Sam, because he is a kind and brave man. But no one else, right?»
«Right. Now I really should use the toilet...»
I knew my life would get harder and harder. What shall we do in Paris? And in London? I couldn’t think of that.
I kissed Keir, then went to the toilet.
The following two weeks were a living hell. He was always checking on me and I kept telling him to give me some space.
«You can’t kiss me all day long. You can’t follow me everywhere I go... that’s way too much».
«But my darling, we’re on a small ship».
«Just be honest!»
«Okay. So what shall we do?»
«Let’s talk. Talk about anything. Sam and I were always talking».
He turned pink.
«So what do you want to talk about?»
«Do you think we’ll find him?»
«We’ve talked about that a million times. He will find us, if he wants to».
He wasn’t happy.
«Why shouldn’t he want to?»
He remained silent, as usual.
The journey was coming to its end, when we had a fight.
«So, Claire, tell me, but if he shows up. What will you do?»
I was stuck. I hadn’t thought about that.
«I don’t know».
«How can you not know? What will I do, then?»
«I don’t know».
He got angry and pushed me to the wall.
«I am not a past time. I won’t let you throw me away».
«You are scaring me and you never le
t me do anything on my own. You can’t control me like that».
He left.
«Where are you going?»
«Nowhere, but let me tell you this. You know why I don’t let you alone».
«Where do you want me to go, Keir?»
«In Paris? In London? You could go just about anywhere».
«I just need to talk to Sam».
He calmed down. We were always fighting, though. He wanted me to be his, but I just couldn’t. it was too much. Tension was in the air.
«What do you really know about Sam, Claire?»
I stared at him.
«Everything. Why are you asking?»
«Are you sure about that?»
I was confused.
«What do you mean?»
He remained silent.
«If I had lost you, like Alex has, I would have searched the whole planet until I found you. But I have been trained for such a thing. Sam bought new identities for you both... he has been checking on Alex... have you ever wondered why? Why has Sam taken you to Nova Scotia? Why Alex hasn’t found you yet? I have had training, he has powerful friends. We’re even».
I trust Sam, I did. But Keir was right.
«What are you...?»
«I’m telling you you know nothing about Sam».
I was stuck and scared. I sat.
«Remember that mission? I didn’t have to meet Wilson. I had to, but I also needed to... do something else»
«You tell me».
«Sam told you he has worked for Alex and that his father is Angus Mac Gregor?»
I shook my head.
«That’s a lie. He is a spy, but I don’t know who’s controlling him. He must be hiding something or must have been forced to work for them. Wilson had been having you followed for two years, this is true».
I was upset.
«Sam will find you and come to look for you. But you must know he’s not the man you think he is».
My head was hurting.
«We have a farm, a family... I can’t believe that!»
I was desperate.
«I think he has been working as a spy for much longer than you think. He must be into something... not quite legal. I think he left you because you were in some kind of danger».
I was crying. He came to me and hugged me.
«I had to tell you. Now you can choose. I’m not hiding anything from you. I just love you and don’t want us to be over...»
I didn’t sleep at all that night. I knew Sam wouldn’t come back with us to Nova Scotia. I had lost everything. I just didn’t know what to do.
I was thirty and needed to start all over again. I was hurting really bad. I had loved him much. He was the father of my beautiful sons. We were going to be parted not because he didn’t love me, but because we were in danger. What would I tell to the kids? And what about Keir?