by Dalton Wolf
“…but knowing his weapons work as he designed them would be a treasure. Harungh!” He aimed a huge downward blow at a behemoth of a black man in a faded #68 jersey who loomed over them all. The man’s head disappeared into his torso and the whole body fell forward to the left, onto Athena, who screamed as she went to the ground, buried under a mass of dead flesh oozing a stinky vitriolic fluid onto her armor and into the wood chips around her.
“Calvin!”
“Athena!” Scooter called desperately and leaped across Quinn to her side, beating back the eager dead who were trying to have her for lunch.
Scooter had practiced for so many years in his basement with wooden axes, and eventually some cheaper iron ones. Four, six, sometimes eight hours a day with only his imagination to use for targets as he danced about in intricate patterns killing invisible, armed attackers. He set-to, swinging both arms in twin arcs of death. The big armor smith stopped to watch in astonishment. Being a veteran of the Renaissance Festival and a friend to those who lived that life, he had seen many people over the years battling with real weapons in tournaments and at play. Never had he seen anyone wield dual weapons with the speed and precision this young man did. It was like one read about in the novels, like the weapons were extensions of his arms, like his palms had been extended two feet beyond his arms and he turned them and sliced as if he were merely doing a martial arts dance, only with this dance, at each flick of an arm, a skull spilled gray matter or a neck went severed, another head sent rolling impotently down the sidewalk.
“Get it off her!” Scooter screamed as he drove through the dead as effortlessly as a mower rolls over the neighbor’s rose bushes.
“I’m alright,” she called from the ground. “Little out of breath, though.”
Scooter swung and turned and chopped and kicked, spun again, swinging both arms in every arc he’d ever practiced. He even had names for some of them, though it was such second nature now that they were only an afterthought of his subconscious as he moved easily through each motion. And in what seemed only a heartbeat, no more dead moved around him. He paused, panting heavily, eyes darting around for more targets to attack, only then realizing he had been screaming the entire time. Instead of dead, he saw only six Human faces staring back, mouths agape. Quinn had helped Athena to her feet and now both stared, visors open, in dumfounded disbelief. Joel, Gus and both women gaped down at him with equal awe.
“Hi Joel. How you doing, Gus?” Calvin asked casually between breaths.
The other two men continued to stare.
“What? Is…is my fly undone?” he asked, pretending to check.
“Dude!” Joel yelled from his perch on the roof, shaking his long, dark hair from his eyes.
“That was the most awesomest fracking rescue ever!” the unremarkably featured Gus crowed, bracing his street pole on the concrete and vaulting his medium build frame out of the truck bed. Setting the pole down on the ground, he caught both women as they climbed over the bed rails before pulling his long, sandy hair into a pony tail.
“It’s not like they were armed opponents. They’re dead,” Calvin shook off the praise.
“It was still badass,” Joel agreed with his friend, sliding down from the truck.
“Hey, look!” Athena nearly shouted. “It’s Sarah!” All eyes of the group followed her pointing arm up the street to see Sarah on a small balcony above a rear access door waving both arms trying to get their attention. When they finally acknowledged her, she held up a yellow walkie-talkie. “Oh!” Athena exclaimed, pulling out the one Calvin had given her. “Sorry, we turned them off so the sounds wouldn’t attract any of these…”
“Zombies,” Sarah’s tinny voice blurted from the radio.
“…things.” Athena chose to call them for now. “But Scooter finished them off. And guess who we found?”
“Joel and Spencer, I know. I saw them drive through that group and back into the corner. We gave them a distraction around front to take the bigger group away, but they’re coming back down Cherry now. They’ll be coming around the corner in a few minutes. Some faster movers in that group.”
“What should we do?” Athena asked.
“Does that truck have a back door?” Sarah asked.
“Yes.”
“And is it armored? Trip thinks it’s armored.”
“It is.”
“OK. Trip said he thinks it will line up just right with the front doors. You can back up to the entryway, lock your doors, and come right in through the back of your truck. That way it might still be there when we need to leave.”
Calvin showed Gus, Joel and their new friends to the back door of the Humvee and started to hop in the front next to Athena, but his phone rang.
“Wow. Four bars. I was beginning to think the government had shut off the cell towers or something. It’s Boomer,” he said, walking to the back of the vehicle and looking around for more zombies. While he took the call, Athena explained to Quinn where to go and Calvin checked the surrounding streets.
“We’re gonna need to go get Boomer and Brick, they’re at the Liberty Memorial,” Calvin announced as he slid into the cab of the Humvee.
They were around the corner and backing up only a few minutes later. The design of the ambulance matched perfectly to the building. Quinn backed up to the columns of the entryway, unfortunately snapping off the pair of iron torch sconces in the process, but with those gone, the truck fit almost perfectly over the small walls that had held the sconces. The entire back outer-frame pressed flush against the columns. The heavy iron gate swung inward and the gang leaped out, armed and ready to defend themselves. After a quick perimeter check, however, they quickly realized no zombies would be able to enter. Only a few inches of space remained underneath the truck between the heavy-duty frame and the steps. Perhaps three inches of air could pass between the columns and the wall on either side of the vehicle; not enough for the dead to pass through. It would be a thin zombie, indeed, that could reach them.
“Welcome to the Fortress!” Tripper announced with a broad grin and a sweeping gesture. “Here are some towels, get cleaned up and meet me upstairs for treats!”
Geeks and Goddesses
“It is expanding chaos out there right now,” Calvin said from his perch on the rail, looking down the street from the patio just above the ambulance, the stench of death and smoke finally beginning to fade.
Sarah had shown the doctor to a private office where he could make his calls and he had been there most of the time, only coming out briefly to meet the newcomers. The others gathered around the vending machines just inside the double glass doors of the second-level patio terrace, which they had braced open with a few dozen reams of paper. Trip borrowed one of Scooter’s axes to ‘pay’ for the snacks they were all now enjoying.
“We need to get as many friends and family here or someplace safer as quickly as possible before this thing really gets out of control,” Calvin said, then paused to lick some filling out of an oatmeal cream pie.
“So you think what is going out there now can be considered some strange form of control?” Sarah asked acidly.
“Good point. I mean before the government decides to do something stupid like firebomb the city…or something.”
“Oh.”
“We’ll stay here as long as we can, collecting anyone we can.”
“I think it’ll take about a week to get everyone together in one place so we can clear out,” Tripper mentioned hesitantly.
“I certainly hope not.”
“Well that’s how long Hef says it’ll take to finish his plans.”
“We’ve got Quinn’s ambulance. We can get about fifteen people in there.”
“Not really,” the big smith argued. “We’ll have to store stuff in there too.”
“What if the government does decide to firebomb us?” Trip asked.
“Then we’ll need to make a run for it.” Calvin replied with blunt honesty.
“We’ll need more vehi
cles if we’re going to take a big group out of here,” Quinn informed them in his gruff, no-nonsense manner. “We’ll need to put extra fuel and supplies in the ambulance. What plans?” he asked as an afterthought
“Our friend Hephaestus says he’s working on a vehicle that can take several dozen of us out of here at once, but it won’t be ready for a week or two,” Tripper explained. “And it’s never been tested before.” Might as well let them know what they’re getting into first.
“Do you think I’d be able to help him speed up the process a might?” Quinn asked, before gulping down a huge glass of water, spilling half of it in his crimson beard and letting it drip freely down his light blue chain mail and leather cuirass.
“He did say he’ll need a few people who know their way around tools, but I think he means more modern tools.”
“I’m also a Millwright,” the big smith said proudly.
Everyone stared blankly.
“I’m a carpenter of steel. I can do anything with steel you can do with wood,” he held up his huge callused hand. “No play on the unintentional euphemisms, please. I’ve heard them all.”
Trip and Scooter shared a disappointed grimace and the girls laughed.
“I can use most modern tools,” the hearty Armorer added. ”Again, leave off.”
“I think he’d be as pleased as you can get to have you join him, Quinn. But we’re sure gonna miss you out there on the streets.”
“You’ve got guns now,” the big man explained. “You’ll do alright.”
“I don’t know if we should use the guns much,” Joel cautioned. “What if they’re attracted by sound? They seemed to turn at the squealing of your tires.”
“Right now there are so many of them out there that I don’t think it matters,” Sarah interrupted and the big man nodded his agreement.
“Well, we do have a few thousand rounds each,” Tripper added. “So it’s not like we’re going to run out fast.”
“You’d be surprised how fast ammunition goes,” Sarah cautioned him, being the resident machine-gun nut. “But maybe we can cover those in the front from a distance with the guns, but only use them when absolutely necessary.”
“I don’t like guns,” Gus said.
“Me neither,” Joel agreed. “Either? Is it either or neither?”
“It’s neither do I,” Sarah clarified. “And, I love guns.”
“I’m not very fond of guns, either,” the girl sitting in the corner with dyed red hair added meekly, holding up her hand. “…if you’re taking a vote, I mean.”
“And on that note…or vote,” Tripper jumped up and pointed at the two new girls sitting beside Gus and Joel. “What the hell are Joanna Scagliotti and Felicia Sackoff, two of the coolest women in Sci-fi, doing with you two geeks?” he pointed between Gus and Joel and the two nearly-famous women who had remained silent until now.
“I mean, Geek and Chic don’t usually mix, do they?” he added as an afterthought.
“What about you and Scooter and your girlfriends?” Sarah asked. “They’re two incredibly hot babes and they’re hanging out with two of the biggest geeks I’ve met.”
Water and tea sprayed the table as Tripper and Calvin spluttered and coughed in indignation.
“Hey,” the girl with several hair colors put her hands on her hips and looked back at the others angrily. “JoJo and I are geeks. And we’ve been looking for a couple of perfect geek boyfriends for a long time. We finished filming a short here, and it coincided with Kansas City ComicCon.”
“That was two weeks ago, Felicia…um, Ms. Sackoff,” Scooter pointed out quietly.
“Felicia is fine. Or Fe, or FeFe, or Sack, or Sackoff, but not Suckoff or any version of that or I’ll kick your ass.”
“And you can call me Jo, Joanne, Joanna, or JoJo,” the other girl added enthusiastically.
“How about Scaggs?” Gus asked.
“Seriously Dude?” Joanne turned to Gus and shot him a withering glance. “I give you four nicknames and you can’t pick one?”
“I’ve always wanted to meet you so I can call you that.”
“You know the g is silent, right?”
“Well, yeah, I know. But if you’re just looking at the name as it’s written, you’d think it’s Scaggs…and…I mean…it’s supposed to be kind of a play on how everyone always gets the pronunciation wrong…”
“Oh, I get you. Embrace the horror. Ok, I kinda like Scaggs, cutie. You can call me that if you want to.”
She reached over and gave him a quick peck on the cheek, but then neither could think of anything else to say and they sat fidgeting uncomfortably. Trip’s eyes doubled back into his skull and he looked between Sarah and Scooter for some sign that he was hallucinating, but they simply returned non-committal shrugs. No help there. While everyone tried to overcome this new awkwardness, Scooter took a minute to introduce them. Hands were shaken all around until he repeated the original question.
“So, you still didn’t answer the question,” he said to the crimson-haired actress hanging from Gus’ arm.
“What question was that?” Scaggs asked.
“If the Con was done weeks ago, why are the two of you still here? Not that you have to answer us or anything. This is America and you’re two rich, hot actresses who can go wherever they want. We’re just curious what would have made you want to hang around here. KC isn’t exactly a hotspot on the maps of the rich and famous.”
“Are you kidding?” Scaggs replied. “First and foremost,” she pointed at herself. “Not rich. Not by a long shot.”
“And neither am I,” Felicia interjected, showing her shoes, an old pair of faded brown sandals clearly having seen better days…a very long time ago.
But,” Scaggs continued. “To answer your question, this was the biggest parade in the history of the fracking world and all we had to do is pay rent for another two weeks to see it? Shoosh yeah. I wanted to be in it, but we couldn’t find anyone who needed small-time, out of work sci-fi actresses. The parade was awesome, B T Dubs, until those brain-suckers had to go and ruin it for everyone. You Kansas Citites…Citese? Citiers? Citians. That’s the one. You Kansas Citians know how to party up in here, on both sides of your border. No fights, no attitudes, just Barbeque and beer and everyone was sooo nice…I mean, until the shooting started…and the eating of people. That part sucked balls.”
“Oh, don’t worry, there are usually fights, but for this party everyone was just too happy, I guess,” Tripper explained.
“Well, everyone we met was great.”
“And how’d you end up with Gus and Joel?” Scooter asked.
“They’re our heroes!” she exclaimed.
“Our saviors,” Felicia agreed.
“Oh. Ooh. And our new boyfriends!” Scaggs added with delight. When Gus stared dumfounded back at her, she responded firmly, “Yup, believe it, sweetie.”
Felicia nodded to Joel as well and grabbed one of his hands in one of her own.
“Sure,” Gus murmured, agreeing for once with Tripper. “It’s the end of the world. Why not?” he lay back against the wall, bending slightly from yet another bizarre breeze the universe had blown his way this day.
“How?” Trip cried in disbelief, hands gripping the sides of his head to keep his brains in place as his skull split, his senses reeling from this latest mind-boggling assault.
“It was out there,” Scaggs pointed outside. “On the streets of the parade. Suddenly we were surrounded by these moaning things with wide-open eyes and bared teeth that were people and stripping flesh from their bones. We didn’t realize what was happening until they were all around us. We ran forever, and finally hid in a doorway. But they followed us. There we were, kicking and swinging nothing but our purses, about to be eaten, when these two gods jumped from the canopy above the entryway swinging those stop signs. And low and behold, it was our future boyfriends—”.
“—that’s what we were already calling them,” Felicia interjected.
“Yea
h. They were like knights out of a renaissance novel…I mean…they were…” she looked at Calvin and the others who were decked out in full armor with ancient weapons. “They seemed like knights until the three of you showed up actually wearing armor and wielding…actual renaissance weapons like…like actual knights—but hey! They were our knights first!” she hugged Gus tightly with one arm and looked up at the only slightly taller man with adoring eyes. “And my guy here didn’t need armor.”
“Whoa! But we’re not stupid!” Joel added quickly. “If you’ve got an extra set of medium mail, hellz yeah I’ll take one.” Felicia laughed and clutched him with both arms. But Scooter, Trip and Sarah exchanged surprised glances when he automatically leaned down and planted a kiss on her cheek and hugged her back.
It wasn’t that either man was smelly or socially unacceptable that made this surprising. Both stood around 5’9’ and about 155lbs. Neither was ugly, but the term good-looking could also not be attributed to either man. But they had always been absolutely inept around women, unable to formulate coherent sentences in most circumstances. Both Sarah and Athena had tried to set the pair up with their friends and all couplings had ended in disaster after only one date. Yet these women were hanging from them as if they were a pair of oil barons or rock stars.
“Um…ok,” Scooter responded eventually.
“We ran to their truck,” Scaggs continued her story, “and then headed this way when Gussy said you guys might be around here. He said you would probably come here if you were still alive, but even if you didn’t, he said we might be able to climb up to the balcony. We didn’t make it that far.”
“Almost,” Sarah clicked and held her fingers out an inch apart in the nationally accepted ‘that much’ sign.
“Why didn’t you just drive out of downtown?” Scooter asked.
“Are you kidding? There were masses of those things in every direction. I thought we’d hide until things calmed down a bit,” Joel explained.