Dreams That Won't Let Go

by Stacy Hawkins Adams

  “You know Max has a big heart,” Shelby said. “Why would he block what comes naturally just because he happened to be talking to your brother?”

  Indigo knew Shel was right, but she couldn’t help how she felt. Max knew she was struggling to accept Reuben; he should have talked to her first. Instead, her future husband had had the nerve to make a decision that would deeply affect her without consulting her. Just because he could.

  Max followed her down the sidewalk and held open the door to his SUV. He trotted around the vehicle and slid into the driver’s seat. The radio in his ten-year-old Range Rover worked fine, but today he had it turned off. He remained silent and focused on the road.

  It had been two days since the blowup, and Indigo was determined not to be the one to smooth things over.

  She crossed her arms and settled back in the seat, fixing her stare ahead. It was a gorgeous autumn day, despite the oppressive humidity. She was thankful she had put her hair up in a bun, just the way Max liked it. She wondered if he noticed, but tried to convince herself she didn’t care.

  Max seemed to be trying to prove a point too—that he was just as ticked off as she was. Every so often, she saw him glance at her, but she pretended to be unfazed.

  They entered the church sanctuary and sat in a middle row of the middle section of pews just as three dozen robed adults filled the choir loft.

  The service opened with prayer, and when Pastor Taylor strode to the pulpit with a Bible in hand and a grin on his face, Indigo knew they were in trouble. Sure enough, he asked the congregation to stand and he issued his usual command.

  “Turn to the person next to you and hug him or her. Tell ’em, ‘I love you today, tomorrow, and forever!’”

  Great, Indigo thought. Just great.

  Max winked at her and opened his arms. She stood there, debating whether to enter them, when Aunt Melba, who sat behind her, coughed.

  Indigo reluctantly leaned toward Max and let him envelop her in a bear hug. She patted his back lightly and quickly stepped back, but not before he grasped her hands in his.

  “I love you today, tomorrow, and forever, Indigo Irene Burns, soon to be Shepherd.”

  He looked into her eyes as he uttered the words and smiled. “Even if you’re mad at me, nothing has changed.”

  Now she was angry at herself for being unable to stay mad at him. She sighed and hugged him again and leaned into his ear. “I love you too, Maxwell Edward Shepherd, even if I’m mad at you.”

  They took their seats and held hands.

  A minute later, as the rest of the congregation was settling in, Aunt Melba tapped her on the shoulder and slid her a note.

  I’m happy you two made up, but next time

  don’t bring your fight to church, for everyone

  to see. You know how church folks can be.

  Enjoy the service. Love, M.

  Indigo read the note again and passed it to Max. Aunt Melba was right—they were being too transparent, in front of friends and strangers. Apparently even Reuben had seen the exchange. He and Peyton sat on the pew behind her and Max, next to Aunt Melba. He had reached over during the fellowship period to shake Max’s hand and had given Indigo a light hug. Reuben held her a few seconds too long for her taste, but then again, it was the first time she’d allowed him to embrace her since his move back home. She felt simultaneously uncomfortable and guilty, but also strangely at peace in her brother’s grasp. Long ago, when they were kids, his hugs had been the only thing to soothe her when she was missing Mom Meredith and Dad David.

  When she stepped back, his smile had been grateful.

  Indigo assumed that Charles David was in the nursery, which accepted children five and younger. She had finally gotten his name right, and truth be told, the double moniker suited him. As cute and as energetic as he was, he didn’t look like a Charles or a David, or a C.D.—he was a little old soul, a Charles David.

  She turned her attention back to the service and squeezed Max’s hand while a sweet soprano filled the air with a worship song. The lyrics touched her heart.

  Here I am to worship.

  Here I am to bow down,

  Here I am to say that you’re my God.

  It wasn’t the traditional gospel fare that the choir usually sang, but this solo rendition from Pastor Taylor’s sister, who was visiting from Atlanta, was beautiful and piercing. And fitting.

  They were here to worship God and to learn how to live better and love better. She looked at Max’s profile as he watched the soloist bring the song to a crescendo and couldn’t help herself. She leaned toward him and whispered in his ear.

  “I do love you, Max. I’m still upset, but I do love you.”

  Max turned toward her and smiled. “I know you do,” he whispered. “I love you back. And guess what? Reuben does too.”

  Indigo smirked and looked back to the next row. She peered squarely into Reuben’s eyes. They confirmed what Max had just insisted. Reuben smiled at her, pointed to Max, and gave her a thumbs-up.

  She returned her gaze to the pulpit without responding, but found herself amused that Reuben had apparently gotten caught up in her spat with Max, without knowing that her tantrum had been about him.

  Max was right about Reuben; she saw it and felt it today, and she felt silly for being such a brat. But she wasn’t ready to accept his affection or believe just yet that he was ready to truly fill the role of big brother. She wasn’t going to get caught up in Reuben’s fan club, even if they were in church. Reuben owed some answers to the entire family, especially to her.

  10

  Everyone just seemed to fit, including Reuben, Peyton, and Charles David. They were family, and all that mattered was being together. Reuben marveled at that realization when the Burns clan gathered at Mama and Daddy’s house after Sunday service.

  Daddy’s blood pressure had stabilized in recent weeks, and he had been able to join Mama at church this morning. He looked satisfied and healthy as the men gathered in one area of the house and the women congregated in another.

  Daddy settled into his favorite chair in the family room and was joined by Reuben, Max, Gabe, and Gabe and Rachelle’s son, Tate, who had just completed an engineering internship in Michigan. Tate was home from college for a weekend break. The men watched ESPN and bantered back and forth about the skills of various golfers, basketball stars, and football players.

  Peyton was in the kitchen with the ladies, immersed in helping finish preparations for dinner. Before he got too comfortable, Reuben decided to check on her. He strode down the hall and poked his head around the door frame, to get a full view of the kitchen. Peyton stood at the sink, washing lettuce and other vegetables for the salad.

  Reuben chuckled and disappeared before anyone saw him. Mama had given her a safe job. She didn’t know that Miss Peyton could do the washing, the chopping, and the slicing, and could make a mean all-veggie or chicken salad in minutes. Everyone would learn over time how self-sufficient she was.

  On his way back to the family room, Reuben glanced out the window and saw that Yasmin, along with Gabe and Rachelle’s daughter, Taryn, had taken Charles David outside to play on his “Welcome to Jubilant” gift from Mama and Daddy. The redwood playset seemed monstrous for a preschooler. But Charles David beamed like he was in kiddie heaven as he moved from one section of the contraption to another. He went from swinging and crawling through the tunnel to scooting down the slide and climbing a miniature rock wall and back again.

  Reuben shook his head. Mama and Daddy had gone overboard, if you asked him, but Peyton insisted that he needed to lighten up.

  “When was the last time they had a little one around to dote on? This is their first grandchild since they gave up grandparenthood to raise you and your sisters,” she told him. “Let them enjoy it.”

  Truthfully, Reuben was enjoying it as well. It meant a lot to see his wife and son so readily embraced by the family. Yasmin still had few words for him, but she hadn’t been able to resist her ne
phew. Charles David had the temperamental teenager wrapped around his finger, and Yasmin had volunteered on her own to babysit. Reuben was beginning to think that she might be easier to connect with than Indigo. One way or another, he was going to form a bond with his sisters.

  Back in the family room, the men were debating whether a top professional football player convicted of a felony would, or should, ever play again and whether another athlete known for losing his temper during games deserved his six-figure salary.

  “He needs a pay cut for behavioral problems,” Tate said.

  “Naw, man,” Gabe said. “He needs that extra money to get some counseling. He’s a grown-up two-year-old, throwing tantrums just because he can get away with them.”

  Reuben took a seat and grabbed a handful of chips from the bowl on the coffee table. Before he could chime in on the conversation, Rachelle made the dinner call.

  “Everything’s ready! You guys can eat!”

  Reuben led the way from the family room and bumped into Indigo, who was coming out of the bathroom. He paused and motioned for her to walk in front of him. “Ladies first.”

  Why was his heart thumping? This was his sister, and he’d been in her presence all morning at church.

  “Thanks, Reuben,” Indigo said and shifted her eyes. She lowered her head and quickly moved past him before he could think of a question or comment to launch a conversation.

  He stuffed his hands in the pockets of his jeans and strolled toward the dining room, hoping he had mastered a poker face that didn’t reveal his dejection. She hadn’t yet acknowledged his willingness to participate in her wedding, which troubled him. He wanted to hear her say she was glad that he would be a groomsman.

  Instead, it suddenly hit him why she and Max were making up in church today. They had been fighting, and maybe it was about him, and Max’s invitation.

  If Indigo didn’t want him in the wedding, should he even bother?

  11

  Before Mama could orchestrate seating arrangements, Indigo strode to the end of the table closest to Daddy, to enjoy his company while he held court during the meal.

  She patted the cushioned dining chair next to her, inviting Max to fill it. Max started in her direction, but Rachelle slid into the seat first.

  “I’m not staying,” she said to him and smiled. “Give me a minute and this spot is yours.”

  Rachelle leaned toward Indigo and lowered her voice. “I saw that exchange in the hall. Can you cut your brother some slack, Indie? Reuben is trying to reach out to you, and you keep pushing him away.”

  Taryn and Yasmin strolled into the dining room, behind a buoyant Charles David, who climbed into the booster seat his mother had placed in a dining room chair at the opposite end of the table from Indigo.

  Indigo watched as Charles David hugged Peyton’s neck and trusted her to secure him into his seat. She tried to resist the emotion invading her heart. If she fell for Charles David, then where did that leave her with Reuben? As cute as he was, she wasn’t going to take the bait.

  She wondered, however, whether the little boy knew that his mother was blind and what a marvel she was to be so independent. The question led her to mentally check off the days until her next appointment with Dr. Woodman, her ophthalmologist.

  It was time for her six-month checkup, to determine whether her early onset glaucoma was progressing. The condition had initially left her fearful that she’d find herself in the same position as Peyton, but in the four years since her diagnosis, she had been told that her glaucoma was under control. She had laser surgery every three years to keep her vision perfect enough to thrive without glasses.

  Rachelle cleared her throat and Indigo realized her mind had wandered. She didn’t want to have this conversation, though. When would people let up about Reuben?

  She sighed and peered into Rachelle’s eyes. “You don’t know the whole story, okay? I’ll fill you in later.”

  Rachelle tucked a piece of stray hair from her chin-length bob behind her ear. She looked skeptical. “If you always need an excuse to justify your actions, that’s a sign that you may need to adjust them, Indigo.”

  She patted Indigo’s knee and pushed the chair back far enough for Max to claim it. When she stood, Taryn motioned for her to join their family in the middle of the table. Taryn and Tate sat side by side, with Gabe to the right of his son. Rachelle pulled out a chair next to Taryn, and the picture was complete.

  They looked so . . . perfect, Indigo thought. She knew the history of Gabe and Rachelle’s once-turbulent marriage, though. The image before her hadn’t come without some hard-won battles and a commitment to make their relationship a top priority.

  Max settled in beside her and she sent an arrow prayer to God.

  Will you bless Max and me with a beautiful family like that, Lord? Can the man I love and I always be solidly united?

  It didn’t escape Indigo that she was praying for marital unity when she and Max were currently out of sync. Forget about the future; they needed to figure out how to work together and have each other’s back today. Max covered her hand with his.

  “What was that about?” he asked, and motioned his head toward Rachelle.

  “She misses having Taryn around all the time to advise, I guess,” Indigo said and laughed. She didn’t want to focus on Reuben right now. “The girl lives fifteen minutes away, in the campus dorms at Everson, but I guess to Rachelle that could be the other side of the world.”

  When the table was lined with dishes of food and everyone was seated, with Daddy at one end and Mama at the other, Indigo saw them exchange smiles.

  “The whole family is here,” Daddy said. “Can you imagine that?”

  He turned toward Reuben who had somehow made his way to a seat across the table from Indigo.

  “God is good, let me tell you!” Mama shook her head and waved a hand in the air.

  Indigo held her breath. Mama was about to launch into a testimony, and unless someone stopped her, the food would be stone cold by the time she finished. Indigo and Reuben exchanged wary glances, and for the first time connected over something neutral. He grinned at her and she smiled, holding in the laughter that threatened to overtake her.

  Daddy coughed and shook his head at Mama. “Tell us all about it after we start eating, Irene. Who wants to bless the food?”

  Indigo smiled at him. “You do it, Daddy. It’s been awhile since you’ve been able to be here with the whole family.”

  Daddy reached for her hand and nodded. “You’re right, Indie. Everybody bow your heads. Dear Lord, I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but I can tell you that I’m thankful for this day. I’m thankful to be healthy enough to join my family at the dinner table. I’m thankful to have all of my children here, safe and sound.”

  Yasmin, who sat at the other end of the table, near Mama, snorted. Indigo opened her eyes and scowled at the girl. Mama and Aunt Melba followed suit.

  Daddy seemed oblivious to the interruption. “Lord, you promised in your Word to provide for our every need and to restore that which was lost. You said it and you have done it.”

  Indigo’s stomach rumbled. Now she was ready for him to hurry it along.

  “Lord, bless this food and this day, and bring everyone around this table closer together than ever before. Let this not just be a meal, but a time for bonding and sharing and creating lasting memories. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.”

  “Amen!” Charles David said. “Let’s eat. I’m hungry!”

  Peyton laughed first and the rest of the family followed suit, even Indigo.

  “Sorry,” Peyton said when she had composed herself. “He doesn’t let anything stand between him and a hot meal, and I think he has his eye on those rolls. He loves bread.”

  Indigo’s eyes widened. She smiled at her sister-in-law in spite of herself, and in spite of the fact that Peyton couldn’t see her expression. Clearly her other senses were extra keen.

  “He got that honestly,” Indigo said. “I
’m trying to lay off the carbs so I can fit these hips into my wedding gown, but any other time, I’d be diving into them too.”

  Peyton smiled in Indigo’s direction. When she did, her face radiated joy. Indigo had never considered locks a look she might want to try for her hair, but seeing how beautifully Peyton wore them gave her pause. There was something about this woman that was so serene and so self-assured, despite being blind and having to adjust to new surroundings, and despite having to spend time with her in-laws, including a sister-in-law intent on shunning her.

  Indigo couldn’t put her finger on it just yet, but whatever it was, it was appealing. As much as she wanted to have an attitude with Peyton, who was just two years older than her, she couldn’t. If none of his other choices merited credit, Reuben had at least picked a great wife.

  Indigo dug into the green beans, dumplings, and corn she had filled her plate with when the serving dishes circulated around the table. The aromas had been tempting her since she and Max had come over after church an hour or so ago. Max seemed just as focused on his plate, which he had piled high with a portion of every offering. Indigo chuckled when she realized that included sweet potatoes and mac and cheese.

  “Is there a reason you’re going overboard on the starches?” she asked.

  Max grinned and took a bite of cabbage. “Just because I can. I only do this once a week, so I’m good.”

  “It’s not as bad for you as you think,” Mama said. “I’m cooking with lighter and healthier ingredients for your dad’s sake. Yasmin doesn’t like all that high-fat stuff either. She’s a girl who keeps herself in shape.”

  “I didn’t think you noticed, Mama,” Yasmin said coolly. She took a sip of tea and glared at Mama.

  Indigo was convinced she had either lapsed into a dream or Yasmin had lost her mind.

  “I mean, why do you even care, since you don’t think I’m ready to model? I would think you’d be trying to fatten me up. That would give you another excuse to keep me tied to your hip.”