Dreams That Won't Let Go

by Stacy Hawkins Adams

Reuben was beginning to think this was a bad idea. There was no need to drag this out. “Mama—she called Indigo yesterday, after that tabloid newspaper hit the newsstands. She is in New York and she’s safe.”

  There. It was said. Short and simple.

  Mama and Daddy looked confused.

  “She called you yesterday and you didn’t tell me?” Mama said to Indigo. “You know how your daddy and I have been worrying! What’s going on, Indigo?”

  “Mama, I felt comfortable holding off on talking to you about this because I knew she was okay,” Indigo said. “If I had even mentioned that we had talked, you would have wanted to know details. I wanted to not only tell you she was fine, but also prepare you for the decisions she’s made.”

  Indigo paused and Reuben looked at Mama to see if his sister’s words were resonating with her.

  “Yas is back with Sasha Davies, from Ford Models, and Sasha is already working to clean up this mess with the photos,” Indigo said. “Apparently Yasmin was tricked into taking the pictures by a sleazy photographer, so Ford Models is going to make her the poster child for young girls who want to model, to warn them of the dangers of trying to land work without first making sure they are being hired by reputable people.”

  Mama nodded. “That sounds good. Thank God Sasha wants to help her.”

  “Why is Ms. Davies doing this, though?” Daddy asked.

  “It’s a long story,” Indigo said. “But basically, Sasha has landed Yas some really good modeling jobs and intends to keep representing Yasmin after this blows over.”

  Indigo let those words sink in, knowing what was coming next.

  “What do you mean, ‘after this blows over’?” Daddy asked. “Now that we know where she is, she can just come home and let it blow over.”

  Indigo glanced at Reuben, and he knew that was his cue.

  “That’s why we called the meeting tonight, Daddy, to let you and Mama know what Yasmin’s wishes are. She is eighteen now and legally doesn’t have to come home. And she doesn’t want to. She wants to keep living in New York and modeling—not the sleazy stuff she got caught up in, but more work with Ford, which is still interested in grooming her into a supermodel.”

  Indigo leaned forward. “This is the real deal, Mama and Daddy. They want to take her to the next level, and they are going to, with Yasmin’s full agreement. She’s not coming home anytime soon. She told me to tell you that she loves you and she has forgiven you for all that happened in the past. She wants you to forgive her for her huge mistake with those semi-nude photos. And for running away and making you worry.

  “She says she knew better than to trust that photographer. She felt uncomfortable during the entire shoot. But she didn’t know how to get out of it once it started. She asked to stop and the photographer threatened to sue her. She knows you’re embarrassed, and she just hasn’t worked up the nerve to call you herself and say she’s sorry.”

  Mama looked as if she’d gone into a trance. Daddy was speechless.

  “What about school? Her education? You have to have at least a high school degree to work everywhere these days, don’t you?”

  Indigo nodded. “Sasha works with budding models all the time and has arranged for Yasmin to work with a private tutor this year to obtain the credits she needs to receive her diploma. Basically, she’ll be homeschooled, but it will be in sessions with three to four other models.”

  Daddy shook his head. “I don’t know about this. We pulled her out of modeling because we were worried about the influence of those other models, about the terrible things they were doing. I just don’t know. She’s not old enough for all of this.”

  “Daddy, apparently she is,” Indigo said. “She’s been living in New York by herself for the past month. Yes, she made that huge mistake with the one photographer, but she’s about to become a star by speaking out about what happened to her. She’s going to help so many young girls. Besides, she is eighteen. She has the right to make her own decisions.”

  Pastor Taylor cleared his throat. “Which brings me back to the reason I was invited here tonight. It goes back to the prayer I uttered when I first entered the room. You as a family need to ask God to give you that unconditional love for Yasmin, even when you don’t agree with her choices, or you may lose her forever. You need to ask God to help you trust more, so that in trusting him, you can surrender your fears about the parts of Yasmin’s journey that you don’t understand.

  “I know this isn’t easy,” Pastor Taylor said. “But remember that we are just stewards of the children God gives us. We have the privilege of shepherding them up to a certain point, and then we have to lean on God to guide them and keep them the rest of the way.”

  Indigo nodded. “If it makes you feel any better, I had a long talk with Sasha, and she’s really got a good heart, Mama and Daddy. She’s going to look out for Yasmin because of her commitment to her faith.”

  A single tear slipped down Mama’s cheek and she bowed her head. “Praise God for that. Lord, please surround my baby with angels and keep her safe. And let her come home again, please, God. I can’t take losing another child for a decade.”

  Reuben’s heart ripped in two. He realized for the first time how much pain he had caused. He didn’t feel guilty for staying away in his effort to take care of himself; Pastor Taylor had helped him clarify that. What he felt horrible about was not sharing his truths sooner, to help his parents/grandparents and his sisters understand why he needed his space. That information would have been enough to make some difference.

  Reuben hoped by starting off with the truth, Yasmin’s flight from the coop would be very different from his own.

  “I haven’t talked to her yet,” he told his parents, “but I don’t think Yasmin’s going to need to stay away as long as I did. As long as she can come home without having to fight to be who she is, she will return to us often.”

  Indigo nodded and smiled. She looked at Mama. “She has already asked Sasha to clear her calendar so she can be here when you receive your Woman of the Year award.”

  37

  Mama and Indigo sat in front of the computer, visiting women’s clothing websites to find the perfect dress for Mama. She needed something fabulous to wear in the photo she would submit soon for the promotional media tied to her upcoming award.

  Indigo was going to shoot the photo in Max’s studio and wanted Mama to buy something vibrant and elegant that said “Wow!”

  It was Sunday afternoon, and everyone had left after dinner except Indigo. Max had wished the two women happy shopping and had gone home to take a nap.

  Indigo was bookmarking a site with a royal purple ruffled gown she liked when Mama touched her arm.

  “I’m sorry, Indie,” she said.

  Indigo tried to quell her surprise.

  “I’ve taken you for granted for way too long. I’ve checked out on your wedding planning and on just about anything that wasn’t related to Reuben and his family.”

  Indigo knew her shock registered in her eyes. For a few seconds, she thought she might have imagined the comment.

  Mama gave her a sad smile. “I’ve received more than one wake-up call this week. Sometimes God has to kick you in the teeth to get your attention. He has mine now, and so do you. I’m sorry about your wedding. What have you decided?”

  “We considered several options before deciding. We’re going to Jamaica, Mama,” Indigo said.

  Mama did a double take. “I had heard you were considering that but didn’t think you were serious.”

  Indigo nodded and grinned. “There are a number of reasons why, including Yasmin’s absence. But the real reason is beautiful. You should see what we’re trying to buy instead.”

  Mama smiled and slid her feet into her low-heeled slides, which were right next to her computer chair. “Show me.”

  Now it was Indigo’s turn to be stunned. “Right now?”

  “Right now. Me and your daddy.”

  A few minutes later, with Mama and Daddy b
uckled into the backseat of her Jetta, Indigo drove through the Aldersgate Landing subdivision, down the street she was hopeful would become familiar territory. She parked in front of the house she and Max were working toward securing and climbed out of the car. Mama and Daddy stepped out too and stood on the sidewalk in front of the home.

  The realtor wasn’t there today, so they couldn’t go inside. But Mama and Daddy still got enough of a view to be impressed. They walked around to the backyard so Daddy could check out the potential for landscaping.

  “We figured we’d take the bulk of the money from the wedding expenses and use it for this, along with proceeds from the sale of Max’s home,” Indigo said. “We want to keep our mortgage as low as possible, so we can live comfortably despite the ebb and flow of clients in our business.”

  Mama looked at her. “Did you say ‘our’ business?”

  Indigo nodded and smiled. “A couple of months ago Max was trying to convince me to become co-owner of his photography studio, since we were getting married. I was on the fence and he sensed my ambivalence. Max backed off the idea, mostly for my sake. I was relieved, but I kept asking God about it. Slowly but surely, I realized how much time I was spending there anyway, and God gave me a peace about moving forward.”

  Indigo and her parents headed back toward the car. “I asked Max to reconsider and brotherman was beside himself. We’re having legal documents drawn up to protect each of our interests, outside of the marriage.”

  Mama shook her head and opened her arms to hug Indigo. “You amaze me, young lady.”

  Daddy was still eyeing the house. “When will you guys sign?”

  “Oh, I don’t know yet, Daddy. We’re trying to put as much down as we can, so unless we hear that there’s some competition, we’ll save for a few more weeks.”

  All three of them were silent on the ride back to Mama and Daddy’s house. Indigo was dying to know what they thought of the decisions she had made without their guidance, but she didn’t have the nerve to ask. She wondered if they were fretting over her choices, or maybe lost in thought on something entirely different.

  Indigo pulled into the driveway behind Mama’s Toyota and they entered through the kitchen. She headed back to the computer room to resume exploring the sites she and Mama wanted to check out, but Daddy stopped her before she turned the corner.

  “Come here for a minute, Indie.”

  He perched on a stool positioned near the granite island and motioned for Indigo to sit on the one next to him. Mama took a seat at the nearby kitchen table and waited for Daddy to speak.

  Daddy pulled his checkbook from his back pocket and laid it on the island countertop so he could write. He tore off two checks and placed them in Indigo’s hand.

  Her eyes widened. “What are you doing?”

  “You’ve talked about being a bride and having a fairytale wedding since you were a little girl. I would never forgive myself if you didn’t follow through on that dream,” he said, gazing at her. He leaned toward her to stroke her cheek and kiss her forehead. “You’re still my little girl, you know? I haven’t always done the best job of telling you how much I care about you, or how important your hopes and dreams are to me, but I want you to know that I do care, and I want you to be happy.

  “Your mama and I have been intending to pitch in and help with your wedding expenses all along. I’m sorry we were too preoccupied to follow through on that. That first check should cover the bulk of your needs.”

  Indigo gasped when she viewed the amount. She looked from the check into her father’s eyes several times. His gray mustache rose at the sides as he grinned at her disbelief.

  “Daddy—you’re retired! Don’t you need this?”

  He shook his head. “We’ve been planning for your special day for a long time, Princess. It was already set aside. And just so you know, your parents helped with this too. A portion of this check, and the funds we used to pay for your college expenses, came from the insurance policies we received after their deaths.”

  Indigo couldn’t speak. She waved the other check in the air, stunned by the zeroes it contained as well.

  “Consider that one our wedding gift,” he said. “Use that toward the down payment on your new home, if you want.”

  Daddy must have noted her skepticism.

  “We’re not trying to buy your love, Indigo,” he said. “We’ve been doing a lot of praying and reflecting, and we’re finally owning up to our mistakes. There are a lot of good things about our family, but there are areas we need to work on. Being there for each other, through thick and thin, is one of them. Your mama and I want to start with you, as you plan for your future.”

  Indigo shook her head. She wasn’t dreaming. God had answered her prayers for a breakthrough with her parents. This was beyond any scenario she had imagined.

  At some point in the near future, she would express to them how little the money meant compared to having their support and interest in her life. For now, the most she could say were the words that kept coursing through her spirit.

  “Thank you, Daddy.” She uttered the gratitude to both her father/grandfather and to God. Then she turned her eyes toward Mama. “Thank you, both.”

  38

  Reuben told Indigo the truth this morning, after she and Max shared breakfast with him and Peyton.

  His sister knew everything now—how Mom had been concerned about her and Yasmin, the promise he had been asked to keep, his reason for returning to Jubilant, and how the nightmares had stopped in recent weeks, since he had been living authentically and giving God a chance.

  He was relieved. “I wanted to share this with you this morning, because Pastor Taylor has asked me to give my testimony during worship service today,” Reuben said. “I talked with Mama and Daddy about all of this last night.”

  Indigo raised an eyebrow. Her expression said it all: since when had he been into giving testimonies? He glanced at the clock and tried to snuff out the nervousness trying to surface in his belly. Church would begin in an hour.

  “I wish I had more time to tell you how I got talked into doing this,” he said. “We’ll save that story for this afternoon.”

  Indigo pushed back her chair and leaned across the table to hug him. “We’ve got plenty of time for that. Thank you, though, for this morning. I needed to hear what you shared about the accident and Mom Meredith. I’m sorry I’ve misjudged you.”

  Reuben shook his head. “No need to apologize. We’re coming to the table from different angles and with different perspectives. Just because my experience wasn’t the same as yours doesn’t mean yours isn’t as relevant. Your wounds hurt just as much as mine.”

  Ninety minutes later, Reuben reiterated that message before the congregation at St. Peter’s Baptist. He turned to Pastor Taylor and saw that even he was in tears.

  “This day has been a long time coming,” Reuben said. “The only one who saw it on the horizon was the one person who wasn’t looking with human eyes, because she couldn’t. I believe that’s part of the reason God sent me Peyton Elise Burns. She looked beyond my faults and she saw the heart of God in me—long before I knew it could be reawakened.”

  Reuben smiled at his wife and wanted her to know. “I’m smiling at you, Peyt, and I love you.”

  “Right back at ya, babe,” she called out to him.

  The congregation hooted and applauded.

  He turned to the pianist and motioned with his head that he was ready.

  Reuben closed his eyes and wrapped both hands around the microphone. “Ya’ll bear with me, now,” he said as the music rose to a crescendo. “I haven’t sung publicly since I was twelve years old, at the church my family had just begun attending in New Orleans. My dad had just rededicated his life to God, and he played sax every Sunday. Mom sang in the choir, and one time, she and I did a duet.”

  Reuben opened his eyes and looked at Mama and Daddy, who were seated in the second row. Mama was already dabbing her moist eyes with tissues. Daddy bit h
is lip in an effort to maintain his composure.

  “The last time I actually sang a full song was on the day of the accident, when my mother was trying to help me nail a Stevie Wonder tune. I thought my song had died that day too. But as I’ve been reading the Scriptures and allowing people like Pastor Taylor and my soon-to-be brother-in-law Max Shepherd speak into my life, I’ve realized that the song didn’t die—I smothered it. So I’m lifting my voice today to honor everything that was sleeping inside and everything that God is restoring.”

  Reuben launched into Richard Smallwood’s Center of My Joy and let the tears flow as he sang.

  Jesus, you’re the center of my joy . . .

  All that’s good and perfect comes from you . . .

  He didn’t see the river of tears flowing from every eye, or feel Pastor Taylor stand beside him and touch his shoulder, or see Indigo with her head bowed, praying for God to guide him through this song.

  As he sang, he saw his mother—Meredith Hill Burns—smiling from heaven, nodding that yes, he had hit the right notes, and that yes, he was a good man.

  He saw his dad—David Robert Burns—brimming with pride over the fact that he had come full circle and turned his heart back to God before it was too late.

  Reuben saw Yasmin—somewhere feeling lonely this morning, but hopeful, and he knew he had to comfort her. He knew God would lead the family to embrace her so that she too could sing a new song.

  He wanted to shout instead of sing, but in obedience, he let the song flow, and every time he tried to wrap it up, someone in the congregation would sing the chorus again.

  This day and this testimony were bigger than him and his fears. He understood that his homecoming had really been about everyone else in the room getting healed too.

  There was a lull in the song, where he allowed the music to take over rather than his voice. The instrumental version caused just as much praise to ring out in the church as his singing had. He smiled through his tears and hummed into the microphone.

  Thank you, God, for this day, he said in his heart. Thank you for loving me enough to allow me to keep my promise to Mom and to learn to love you like Peyton has always prayed. This day is for you, and for her.