A Love of Her Own

by Bettye Griffin

  “I couldn’t have said it better. But merely telling Janelle something is meaningless; it’s like talking to an inanimate object. I’d have to literally up and get married, then tell her that it looks like Maxwell has a new mother.” He paused. “She’d probably never let me see him again.”

  “I don’t know what to say, Hilton. I’m speechless.” Maxwell’s mother sounded like a real piece of work, but Ava wondered why the woman had selected Hilton, a policeman with a moderate income, rather than someone in a higher tax bracket for her scheme.

  He put an arm around her shoulder. “Why couldn’t I have met you sooner? I wouldn’t be in this mess if you were Max’s mother. We’d probably be happily married with Max and a couple more.”

  Tell him. Tell him right now!

  His large hand began to massage her shoulder. “I had another reason for coming by your house today. Something happened between us the other night, something I don’t really understand. You pulled back from me, and I don’t know why.”

  She stiffened visibly, and he hastily added, “I figure you’ll tell me when, or if, you want to. I just wanted to make sure everything was all right between us.”

  Ava nodded. “It was just one of those things. Everything’s fine,” she lied.

  “Good. Because I don’t mind telling you that the thought of having a little auburn-haired daughter who looks just like you is pretty appealing to me right now.”

  Ava shut her eyes tightly but kept silent. Once again the mood was wrong. How could she let him down when he was looking at her with such fondness in his eyes, such genuine affection?

  *****

  Ava’s lips still felt warm from Hilton’s goodnight kiss when she arrived back at home. She immediately went up to her bedroom and changed into a nightgown. Because of the unusually cold weather she put on one made of flannel, but the tomato-red color and scoop neckline made it sexier than the standard flannel nightgown. She wore a wide white satin headband at her hairline to protect the back and sides of her hair from the dryness of the cotton pillowcase while she slept, and her feet were covered by brown furry slippers with a large motif of Bullwinkle’s head extending in the area above the toes. The slippers had been a joke gift from Kendall last Christmas, and while Ava had pretended to be dismayed, secretly she enjoyed wearing them, even though they made her size eight feet look enormous.

  She lit a fire and was relaxing on her bed with a cup of hot chocolate and the latest novel she’d downloaded to her eReader when the phone rang. She reached for it eagerly, almost certain it was Hilton.

  It wasn’t Hilton, but a distraught female on the other end of the line. “Ava?” the woman said tearfully. “It’s Linda.”

  “Linda? What’s wrong? You’re crying.”

  “Neil left me.”

  Ava drew in her breath. She feared she knew the answer even as she asked the question. “What happened?”

  “He found out I wasn’t pregnant. We ran into Nancy—you remember, that little redhead from our support group—and her husband at Target.”

  “She didn’t mention our infertility group in front of Neil!”

  “No. Their cart was full of baby things, and she told us they’re going to adopt a baby when it’s born in six weeks. Naturally, Neil told them I was pregnant. If you could have seen the look on Nancy’s face. She looked like she was seeing a blizzard in August. It was awkward as hell, and after we left Neil wanted to know why Nancy reacted the way she did.” She made a sniffling sound, and her next words came out as a whisper. “I had no choice but to tell him the truth. I’ve never seen him so angry.”

  “Oh, Linda. I wish I knew what to tell you.”

  “There isn’t anything you can say. I brought this on myself, and I know it. I just needed to talk to someone.”

  “What are you going to do now?”

  There was a pause while Linda blew her nose. “Stay here at my father’s, I guess. I’ll have to go back to West Palm and pick up my clothes eventually. Then again, maybe Neil will just ship them up here.”

  “I’m sure you’ll hear from him in the next couple of days.”

  Linda made a weak attempt at a chuckle. “Or his lawyer.”

  Ava felt this was a strong possibility, but she wasn’t about to express that thought. “Give it time, Linda. See what happens. Right now he’s upset, and understandably so.” For a moment her thoughts wandered to Hilton. Would he also be upset when he learned the truth about her?

  She forced her thoughts back to the matter at hand. “But he might be willing to talk it out once he calms down. Maybe he’ll understand why you did it.”

  “Come on, Ava. Nobody understands how it feels to be rejected for not being able to perform what’s supposed to be a natural function. Nobody knows the strain infertility can put on a relationship, even the very best of relationships.” Linda sniffled. “You don’t know unless it happens to you.”

  “Maybe,” Ava conceded. “But nor do you have to be able to work under the hood to be able to drive a car. You’ve been through hell, Linda. Be honest with Neil. He just might understand why you didn’t want to tell him the truth.”

  After they hung up Ava sat with her knees drawn up to her chest, her hands grasping her shins and her head resting on her knees. Relationships could so easily go downhill when a woman couldn’t reproduce, and not just between husbands and wives. It pained Ava to witness her own mother’s preference for the company of Joy, her brother’s wife, because Joy had given her grandchildren while Ava had not. Her father had supported her decision to end her marriage, had understood that his son-in-law wouldn’t be able to love an adopted child as much as one who carried his blood, no matter how hard he tried. He felt, as did Ava, that if they went through with an adoption, the denial would one day be exposed in a way that would shatter their family unit.

  But now her father was gone, and all she had was her mother’s pity.

  Suddenly her queen-sized bed felt like its own country, an island in the middle of the ocean; and sitting in its center she had a sense of utter isolation.

  She remained sitting in that upright fetal position for a long time, thinking, and by the time she put out the fire, removed her slippers and got between the sheets she knew she would have to practice what she preached.

  She was going to tell Hilton the truth about herself. Nothing would get in her way this time.

  All she could do was hope with every fiber of her being that history wouldn’t repeat itself, that she wouldn’t see the devastating combination of distaste and disappointment in eyes she now realized belonged to a man with whom she had fallen in love.

  Chapter 12

  The next week was the most emotionally draining Ava had experienced in a long while. The only bright spot was Marcus. She saw him in the morning when he came to pick up his lunch, and at the store she bought apples and bananas that he could eat on his way to school to supplement his breakfast.

  Her encounters with Hilton were more difficult. She tried to keep their telephone conversations as brief as possible. She was afraid of becoming accustomed to his voice, his company, his embrace, and most of all, his lips on hers, only to lose it all when she told him the truth. This way at least she could treasure them as memories.

  Ava actually had a valid excuse not to spend much time with Hilton, because Linda, still struggling to cope with the aftermath of her deception coming to the surface, began coming over for an hour or so every night after dinner. A sympathetic Ava lent her ear to listen to her friend talk about whatever was on her mind. She didn’t approve of what Linda had done, but she also hated to see her friend suffer.

  On Monday Linda mostly cried.

  By Tuesday she had started to grasp the reality of her situation. “I registered with an agency to do some private nursing on an as-needed basis,” she announced. “I can’t expect my father to support me, and of course I’m no longer Neil’s responsibility.” She put her entire body into a deep sigh. “It’s a good thing I kept my license current.�
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  “I didn’t realize you didn’t work anymore.”

  “Neil asked me to stop after we I got married. He didn’t want me to have any added stress interfering with…”

  Ava understood what Linda hadn’t been able to express. “He thought it would be easier for you to conceive,” she supplied, then added, “He put a lot of pressure on you, didn’t he?”

  “Yes.” Linda’s response came out as a whisper.

  “I’m sure he didn’t realize it,” Ava replied generously. “And while I can understand your wanting to put your life back together, I honestly don’t think you’re emotionally ready to look for work, Linda. All kinds of terrible things can happen to a nurse who’s got her mind elsewhere. Not to mention the risk to the patients.”

  “I know. But my father and stepmother are driving me crazy,” she complained. “I know they’re worried about me and they mean well, but I can’t stand it, Ava.”

  “Do they have any idea what happened between you and Neil?”

  “No, all they know is that we had a terrible fight and he took his things and drove off. They’ve been trying to get me to talk about it ever since.”

  *****

  On Wednesday she told Ava about the letter she had received from Neil, in which he expressed his shock and hurt over her deceit. He wrote he was still too numb to know what he was going to do next, that all he knew was he did not want to see her.

  “That’s it, I guess,” she said sadly. “It’ll only be a matter of time until he files for divorce.”

  “Why don’t you write him back?” Ava suggested. “Tell him how you felt. Tell him the truth about why your first marriage ended.”

  “Oh, I don’t know.”

  “I don’t know if it’ll change anything, but I guarantee you’ll feel better for having told Neil the whole story.” She tried not to feel like a hypocrite as she urged her friend to make a full confession.

  “You’ve got a point. But it’s going to be the hardest letter I’ve ever written.”

  *****

  Ava had an appointment with a client on Thursday night. That afternoon she called to check on Linda, who sounded much better than she had the night before. She told Ava she had spent the day writing Neil and then working on updating her résumé. Ava was happy to learn her friend was taking steps to rebuild her life.

  Hilton called, as he had every day, and asked her to dinner. “I know you said you’ve been busy with a friend in crisis, but I’ve got to admit I’m beginning to wonder if you’re giving me the brush-off.”

  “No, of course not. I just needed to be there for someone who needed me. I think the worst has passed, at least for the time being. I do have an appointment this evening, though, sitting down with the bride and her mother to calculate their budget.” She suspected Linda would relapse into depression when she was served with divorce papers, but she also felt it might be weeks or perhaps even months before Neil, himself hurting, would seek counsel for a formal dissolution of their marriage. In the meantime she’d be there if Linda needed her. “I’ll be free tomorrow, though.”

  “How about the Fish Box?”

  She took a deep breath. It was time to obey that voice that had been nagging at her, telling her to come clean with him. “It’s been a draining week, Hilton, and I think I’m going to be too tired to go out. Why don’t you come over instead, and we’ll order pizza or something.”

  “What do you want on it?”

  “Sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and green pepper.”

  “Green pepper on pizza? That doesn’t belong on pizza. Onion belongs on pizza.”

  “Onion! Yuk.”

  “All right, I’ll have them put green pepper on half of it and onion on the other half. Fair?”

  “Fair.”

  *****

  Friday night Ava’s doorbell rang a few minutes before seven-thirty.

  “Who is it?”

  “Pizza delivery.”

  She giggled, and after a quick peek out the side window to make sure she saw his truck parked outside, opened the door. Hilton stood on the other side, holding a large white box in the air balanced on his palm, like a waiter. A blast of January air blew into the house. “Ooh, it’s cold. Come in,” she said, adding, “And don’t drop the pizza.”

  He stepped into the house. “Oops!”

  Ava’s palm flew to her heart until she realized he had just pretended to drop the box. “Oh, you!” she said with a laugh.

  She was getting plates out of the cupboard when she sensed him behind her. A moment later he stood beside her, his arm around her shoulder, his nose and lips near her hair. “I missed you,” he murmured. “I think I’ve become used to having you as a part of my life.”

  Bad idea, she warned silently, even as she leaned back against his firm body and covered the hand that rested on her shoulder with hers. You’re about to be terribly disappointed. “I missed you, too. How’s Marcus doing at work?”

  He chuckled. “Two weeks he’s been with me, and I can’t imagine how I got by without him. I half expected to see him here tonight.”

  “He wanted to come over, but I told him tomorrow would be better, and he can stay over until Sunday. It’s been a tough week, and I’m just about worn out.”

  “Well, as much as I like the kid, I’m glad it’s just the two of us tonight.”

  Abruptly she turned to face him, her arms going around his neck in the same motion and pulling his face down. She kissed him like she was drowning and he was a lifeline; and he returned her passion, devouring her lips and the recesses of her mouth, his hands venturing below her waist to cup her behind. It was a kiss she’d never forget. It would have to hold her after the inevitable happened.

  When it was over she felt a little embarrassed by acting on impulse and with such ardor. “I don’t know what got into me,” she said softly. “All of a sudden I—”

  “You don’t have to apologize for wanting to kiss me, Ava.” He sounded almost hurt.

  “I know.” She let her arms fall and took a breath. “Why don’t we just get our plates and eat. I think it’d be better if I put pizza in my mouth rather than my foot.”

  Once again they ate informally from the rising coffee table in the living room, but as happy as Ava was to see him she couldn’t shake the feeling of sadness at what would ultimately happen once he learned about her flaw.

  They were watching Jeopardy!, and Ava was congratulating herself on knowing the answer to Final Jeopardy when neither Hilton nor any of the contestants got correct when Hilton suddenly picked up the remote control and turned off the television. “Why’d you do that?” she asked.

  “I want you to tell me what’s wrong.”

  “What do you mean, what’s wrong?”

  “I can tell something’s troubling you. Don’t you know you can talk to me about it, whatever it is? I know we haven’t known each other long, but I think we’ve gotten pretty close.”

  She looked at him, then looked away.

  “Look,” he continued. “You were happy to see me. But then you kissed me in the kitchen like you thought you were never going to see me again.”

  Because you won’t want to see me again after you hear what I have to say.

  “And there’s something different about you. I don’t get it,” he said. “Talk to me, Ava. Does this have anything to do with your friend’s problem?”

  That was the opening she was looking for. “Maybe it does. Her situation has been on my mind all week.” She shifted her body to the side so that she faced him, tucking one leg under her. “You see, my friend lied to her husband. She told him she was pregnant when it was physically impossible, simply because she knew how badly he wanted a child. In short, he found out about it and left her, and now she’s very upset.”

  “I would imagine she would be. That was a terrible thing to do.”

  “Yes, it was. There’s a bit of history there, though. You see, her first husband took it as a personal affront to his masculinity when he learned he�
��d never be able to get her pregnant. He began to avoid her sexually and instead ran around with other women to boost his ego.”

  “And that killed the marriage.”

  “Yes, she divorced him. She went through the I’ll-never-fall-in-love-again phase that most heartbroken people go through, but years later she did meet someone new. After it got serious between them he started talking about how much he wanted the two of them to have a child. She tested the waters by telling him they might have to adopt because she wasn’t as young as she used to be, but he didn’t like that idea and said he was sure they wouldn’t have a problem having a child of their own.

  “After they got married he became obsessed with getting her pregnant, to the point where it became the forefront of their marriage. She was frantic with worry and fear that the same thing would happen to her again, so even though she knew it was wrong, she invented a pregnancy. She figured if she had a miscarriage early on it would help pave the way for adoption. She didn’t know what else to do.”

  Hilton grunted. “I realize she was in a tight spot, but that doesn’t excuse her lying. She should have told the guy the truth when he said he wanted to have kids, and also about what happened in her first marriage. If he really loved her it wouldn’t have made a difference. She believed in him enough to marry him; she should have believed in him enough to be straight with him. On the other hand, if his love comes with conditions, she’s entitled to know it. No one likes conditions, and she might have decided not to marry him.” He paused. “I know you aren’t mentioning names, Ava, but this isn’t Kendall and Spencer you’re talking about, is it?”

  She laughed at what struck her as an absurd thought, knowing Kendall the way she did. “Good heavens, no. Kendall was never married before, and she’s not interested in having kids. She didn’t even change her name when she got married. The only reason I didn’t mention names is because they won’t mean anything to you. You don’t know these people.” That wasn’t true—not only had Hilton met Linda and Neil at Frank’s Fish Box, he had also spoken with them at the New Year’s Day open house, but Ava felt she should protect Linda. Perhaps one day she could tell him, but right now the matter was too personal, too full of raw hurt for Hilton to know their identities. He would understand why she lied to him.