Sometimes Love

by Victoria Kennedy

  Moving always made me emotional. When I was eight years old, my family relocated from the ‘hood in East Baltimore where my parents had grown up, out to Randallstown in Northwestern Baltimore County. When I was in eighth grade, we moved from there to my parents’ current home in Montebello Park, an affluent part of the city. I’d stayed there all through college because campus was not even a mile away. I’d finally made the move out of their house to Phillip’s at the ripe old age of twenty-four.

  That move had been especially hard. It had been where I came into my own. I remembered too well the night I packed away all my cherished memories: yearbooks, framed photos and certificates, and my ribbons and trophies for academic awards. I wasn’t going to leave a little girl’s room frozen in time to revisit and reminisce about like they did in the movies.

  It had been the perfect room for a young teenager to hide away in and escape in books, while transforming into a bright young woman. My parents had let me have the room as a peace offering because I was so heartbroken over leaving my childhood home. It was tucked away in the attic, a big bright room with its own bathroom and a panoramic view of Lake Montebello.

  Mere days after Phillip propositioned me about staying in his empty house, my mother already had my room scoped-out for her new office. In what seemed like days, she had it stripped, remodeled and completely made over. Eventually, the office found its way into another empty bedroom closer to hers with no extra steps to climb and my old room was turned into a very cozy and private guest room.

  My little girl phase was over, the tumultuous teenage years had been rough, and my coming of age period had been nebulous. Where I’d once sought solace in the pages of romance novels and fantasized about being the beautiful woman the hot guy pursued, I’d come to embrace my own qualities. Michael had been the hot guy who’d befriended a girl like me and made me believe I could chart my own course. Now with the man of my dreams, everything was clear. I could be happy and have all my heart desired. With Humphrey by my side, anything was possible.

  I made a quick trip to the grocery store for a few staples and to procure some empty boxes for my things. I didn’t know how long I would be in town but while I was there, I was going to get around. Driving around in my old jalopy reminded me of how liberating it was to have my own transportation. Most of the people I met in New York didn’t own cars unless they had six- fi e incomes. We rarely used Humphrey’s S.U.V unless we were going long distance to a party on Long Island or the Hamptons. In Baltimore, I hadn’t used public transportation since I was in high school. I appreciated my life in my hometown. I didn’t realize until then the kinds of things I would be relinquishing. I rushed back to the house to get ready for dinner at my parents’. That night, I had to give my father the good news.

  My family was so excited to see me. Everybody was there. It felt good to be missed, especially by my father. He enveloped me in a great bear hug to show how much he felt the same.

  “You look like a new woman,” he said.

  My niece, Chanel, seemed to have sprouted three or four inches since the last time I saw her. And Maria was an undeniable beauty. The past twelve years, she had been committing a crime— destroying that natural beauty with toxic narcotics. I was glad the damage hadn’t been irreversible. It was no wonder Chanel was flourishing, if her mother’s appearance was any indication of how well they were doing.

  “Come on back, Zoë. You act like you’re in some stranger’s house, girl,” yelled my brother E.J. from back in the kitchen.

  He was supervising a fish fry out on the deck and had come inside to grab some Old Bay seasoning. My mother insisted on doing any frying outside so the smell wouldn’t linger in the house. Everything looked so good. E.J. was frying lake trout in a deep fryer. He had crab cakes draining on paper towels and was finishing his last batch of shrimp. His wife, Angie was at his side assisting.

  With all that food, I knew it couldn’t have been a spur of the moment affair. It looked like my family was preparing to have a real Baltimore seafood fest and I was just in time; they’d had that night planned for a month. How vain it had been of me to assume the crowd had gathered in my honor. They didn’t even know I was coming to town. But then again, I would put nothing past my mother.

  My nephews were playing basketball down at the end of the yard and even though the sun was beginning its descent, a few people were lounging on chairs in the grass. My younger brother, Cliff was home from school for the weekend and he had a dinner guest. We were usually the two loners in the bunch. It was amusing when I realized his date was a girl from down the block who I was sure he’d been overlooking for years. Now, I could see why he wasn’t any longer. Girlfriend had changed in many ways.

  Time after time, I reached across the table to help myself to the home cooked dishes. This was the kind of gathering I’d hoped for on Thanksgiving. I’d been living on a nearly vegan diet in New York and my name. The seafood, fritters, and my mother’s pasta salad were all tantalizing my taste buds. I felt like a glutton and had to undo the button on my jeans. Strong, wiry arms encircled my shoulders from behind and a cool cheek pressed to mine, as Maria whispered, “Do you have something you need to tell me?”

  “No. …Should I?” “You tell me.”

  She grabbed my left hand and raised it so that a sparkle bounced off the stone of my ring. My smiled response would have qualified for a toothpaste ad.

  “I knew it!”

  Angie said, “See? Told you.”

  I was shushing them to keep my father from finding out. I had to tell him, before I said another word. I sought him out and found him in his recliner in the den, watching a Jackie Chan movie and drinking a beer.

  “Hey Sweetie. What’cha need?” he called out to me. “Just wanted to talk to you for a minute.”

  “Am I gonna like what you gotta say?” “I hope so.”

  I had his full attention, right after he drained the last of his bottle. He sat on the edge of his seat.

  “Now wait—you’re not knocked-up are you?” “No, Dad! That’s not it!”

  “Well, you never know these days. You were always a late bloomer, choosing your books over boys. Now, with this new guy—Bogey, it seems like you’re making up for it…Oh. Well, let’s have it then,” he coaxed me with a nervous smile.

  He’d come up with this idea to refer to Humphrey as Bogey. He thought it was witty so I didn’t protest it. After a long pause and his impatient stare I told him.

  “He’s asked me to marry him.” “He?”

  “You know—Humphrey.”

  “Well, I see you’re wearing the ring so I know what your answer was.”

  “I’m happy.”

  “Where is he tonight?”

  “He’s in New York waiting for me.” “Will he be waiting long?”

  “I’m going back in two weeks to stay.” “Now that’s kinda hasty.”

  “I know. This whole relationship has been hasty. It doesn’t make much sense, but it feels like perfect sense.

  “I just don’t want you to have any regrets.”

  “If I lived my life making decisions based on the possibility of regret, I’d never live my life at all. You taught me to take chances.” “You’re right and this is a big one.” He laughed his big hearty laugh, but only for a minute. “Now, come on and give me a big hug, while you’re still my girl.”

  He stood up and pulled me into his tight embrace. I looked up into his loving face, my eyes shining with unshed tears, and said, “I’ll always be your girl.”

  “You tell him he can’t have you until he shows his face around here and shakes my hand like a man. He can’t just come and snatch my baby, like a fox in the hen house.”

  My father was serious. I picked up on the change in tone and the set of his mouth.

  “Uh-hem.” My mother was clearing her throat from the doorway to break us up. “C’mon, Zoë. I think it’s about time. People are preparing to leave soon.”

  We emerged from the den to find that t
he party had moved indoors and the roomful looked inquisitively at my parents and me as we made our way to the middle of the room.

  My father spoke first. “Excuse me. Everybody, Zoë h something to share with us tonight.”

  I made my big announcement, which was answered by squeals from the ladies in the room, and almost everybody rushed over to congratulate me. My brother, Cliff said he wouldn’t allow me to get married to anybody he hadn’t met and my oldest brother, E.J., echoed that oath. But as long as everything was fine with my parents, I didn’t care what anyone else said or thought. They hadn’t met him once and I still got their approval. Even though my father’s consent was now conditional, there really wasn’t much they could say. I was going to get married.

  I looked up and Michael was there. And I didn’t know when he’d arrived. I was showing the ring to Angie and we were all giggles. Then he was standing right before me with barely a smile. Remnants of the day’s sarcastic words still lingered around his eyes. They lacked the warmth I always clung to in him and he wasn’t offering anything for me to reach out for. It was like looking into the face of a stranger who was seeing me, but not looking back.

  “Can I speak to you for a minute?”

  My sister-in-law took notice of his brusqueness and inquired with her raised eyebrows. My nod let her know all was well, before she’d walk away.

  “In private, Zoë,” he said and started walking toward the front door.

  As we stepped out onto the porch, I realized how cheerful the sounds were behind me, all my family laughing and talking loudly in sounds of celebration. But I was stepping into a totally opposite atmosphere. There was no room for warmth in the somber, darkness of the outside. Nor in the chill of his tone.

  “How could you do this to me?” Michael spoke softly, but there was a quiet rage festering in him he was obviously trying to control. I could almost see the clench of his teeth.

  “Don’t I deserve to know why you’re shutting me out?” “Michael, I’m not shutting you out. I just got caught up in my life.”

  “You’re supposed to be my best friend, my confidant, but you abandoned me when I needed you most. I was grieving the loss of my mother…My mother, Zoë! And you followed a virtual stranger to New York so you could lay up with him.”

  “What’s wrong with you? Are you forgetting how you shut me out? When I tried to be there for you, you pushed me away. Are you forgetting that I left Humphrey in New York on Christmas Eve so I could be here for you when you got back from Virginia?” “No, I didn’t push you away. You chose to stay away, like all of a sudden my private life didn’t include you. You’ve been included in private issues in my family for years. ”

  “What was I supposed to do that I wasn’t doing already?

  What could I have said that I wasn’t saying already?”

  “I don’t know. You took off days after the funeral. I just wanted you here…here with me. I wanted you to help me get through it…to just hold me.”

  I could see he was softening and I could feel how hard his mother’s death was on him…still. I hadn’t taken the time to help him heal or to even find out if I could have helped. We’d been almost inseparable since high school and neither one of us had ever been so traumatized. I felt guilty for my insensitivity. I’d always put others first, which was sometimes a mistake, but the one time I chose to put myself first, it was also a mistake.

  I took a step toward him and laid my hand on the crown of his head, which was bowed as he lowered his gaze toward the floor of the porch. He looked up at me cautiously upon feeling my touch and I opened my arms to him, inviting him into my embrace.

  “I’m so sorry. I didn’t stop to think of how much you’d need me. Once I got a chance at love, I ran for it without as much as a backwards glance. You know I’d never knowingly hurt you. You must know that.”

  “It still hurt. I wanted you with me more than anyone, even more than my family. They don’t know me like you do. Or the way I thought I knew you.”

  He pulled himself away then, holding himself rigid as he locked his stare to mine and folded his arms.

  “What do you mean? Of course, you know me. You have twelve years of knowing me under your belt.”

  “Then why didn’t I know you would forsake everyone else in your life for a man? And that you would turn your back on your own business, a company we built from the ground? How could I not know you were so much in love that you would plan to marry someone without me ever meeting him and only months after meeting him yourself?”

  He was getting riled up again.

  “I don’t know. I don’t have all the answers for you. All I know is this feels right. I’ve waited a long time to find someone. You can’t begin to understand because you’ve never had one lonely night. My whole adult life has been one long, lonely night. For once, I don’t have to go to bed wondering what’s so wrong with me that no decent man wants me. I don’t have to wonder if I’ll spend the rest of my life alone. I’ve finally found someone who’s the right man for me. I’m sorry if you don’t understand that but if you love me like you say you love me, you’ll accept my decision and be happy for me.”

  “I want to be happy for you, but it’s hard. It’s hard because I don’t know if you’re confusing physical pleasure with love. Don’t you know that you can lay with someone every night, have incredible sex and still be lonely? I just want you to be clear on what it is you’re feeling. Love always feels right when it’s new.”

  “I need to find that out for myself.”

  “Can you blame me for trying to protect you?”

  We were butting heads. I knew he would never see things from my point of view and that made me sad. I’d never begrudge him happiness, but I had the feeling jealousy was rearing its ugly head in the guise of my best friend. The only thing was, I didn’t know if he was jealous of me for finding happiness before he did or if he was jealous of whom I’d found happiness with.

  I was starting toward the door before someone came out looking for me and he called out, “Plus, how can you be serious about somebody named Humphrey?”

  I closed the door, before he could say anything else, thinking, ‘You just don’t know how much’.

  Long after Michael had left and the crowd dispersed, I was finally headed back home. The evening had been longer than I’d expected and I was bone-tired. I was too tired for my customary cup of tea, but not for a bed check with my baby.

  After our initial greetings, the first thing he said was, “Wow, you must really miss Baltimore a lot. You never stay up past midnight, unless you’re at a party.”

  “You think you know me so well, don’t you? For your information, Mr. Pearson, I was at a party. And while I was there, I made my big announcement…to my parents, family, everybody.”

  “I guess I can’t back out now, huh?”

  “Don’t even think about it. You told me on our first date that you knew I’d be your wife. Now you’ve finally made me believe that, you’re getting what you asked for. Remember Number Five, mister.”

  “I remember the whole list. I can’t wait to see you.” “I’m not coming back to New York for two weeks.” “That’s a long time.”

  “I have a whole lifetime to wrap up before I can relocate.” “Well, when you put it that way...”

  The next day, I was in my neighborhood bookstore when an old classmate from Morgan commented on the excellent job my company had done with an intimate jazz concert at Spike’s. He said it reminded him of the movie “Mo’Better Blues” and was singing the praises of the featured vocalist. I had no idea what he was talking about. Sensing my loss for words, he told me that Michael had informed him that I was organizing new jobs for us in New York. How smooth of him, always knowing the right spin to put on everything.

  That’s how I found out Michael had been planning and staging events at smaller venues without me. From what I heard, his affairs were quite popular with the young, Black professional crowd. And he’d been covering for my absence. In
typical Michael style, he’d been protecting me. He was still trying to solve my problems; ones I didn’t always know were problems. This time, he was salvaging my professional reputation before it fell to ruin.

  This newest revelation endeared him to me more than ever. I had gone to New York thinking he didn’t want me interfering in his grieving process. Now I discovered he’d been trying to conduct business as usual, throwing himself back into work with impressive results. It was almost as if he were doing a better job without me.

  My heart ached with the possibility that Michael and I had reached the end of an era. Perhaps we’d both grown up and apart. I guess I wasn’t the only one moving on with my life. It left me with a better understanding of his bitterness toward me. He realized things had changed, too.

  Within a two-week period, I was able to decide what to keep and what to throw away, what to give to charity and what to give to my sister and so on. Fortunately, I didn’t have any furniture to speak of, except my bed and I knew I wouldn’t need that. The bulk of my possessions were clothing, jewelry and loads of shoes. Whatever I hadn’t worn in the past two years went to Goodwill. I was sure my junk would be someone else’s treasure because it sure had been a treasure to me, not so long ago. Some of it no longer fi and some of my really nice things were a little too conservative for me now. Those were the things that went to Maria. She planned to return to college in the fall and the classic stuff would suit her just fine.

  I cleaned the house from top to bottom because Phillip planned to put it on the market again. He’d finally made the decision to stay in New York permanently and he was determined to sell the house. Unfortunately for him, we didn’t seem to be in a seller’s market. He and Patrice were discussing marriage maybe as early as June. Although Humphrey and I hadn’t discussed a date, my mother was still a bundle of nerves. Two upcoming weddings and she hardly knew her prospective in-laws. Phillip and I were robbing her of a mother’s right to size up our mates and give us the final okay.