Sometimes Love

by Victoria Kennedy

  “I promise I’ll call right back. Twenty minutes tops. Is everything okay?”

  “I’m okay, Baby. I can wait that long.”

  BeBe and her mother, Mr. Wes’s sister, were sitting in my office with me, right down the hall from her own. We were finalizing the plans for her Christmas themed wedding. With their help, it was taking shape as an amalgam of various fairytales. The bride would be wearing a fur-trimmed white hooded cloak over her angora wool wedding dress. BeBe was fair-skinned and had her hair colored blue-black, which I thought was a bit too harsh for her complexion, but if she was aiming for the Snow White effect, she was starting on the right foot. The venue was secured for two hundred and fifty guests; it was on campus at one of the older area colleges at which her fiancé was the athletic director. There was a carriage house on its grounds tucked away into a wooded area with its own parking. It was perfect for what we envisioned. She had enlisted the services of the drama department’s set designer to ensure that she had the right backdrop, which would provide a winter wonderland just in case Mother Nature didn’t come through. I went down a checklist of all the tasks that remained to be done and her mother, Isabella, smiled her approval and quickly handed me a check to cover the balance of the expenses. I still had to pay for the cake she’d chosen, set up a tasting with the caterers and consult with the set designer before the week was out.

  “Oh Mommy,” BeBe said. “Isn’t it exciting? I feel like a princess and the wedding’s not even here yet.”

  Her mother kissed her cheek and they both turned to me, thanking me at the same time, then hurrying on their way to the dressmaker. Being a wedding planner had its share of rewards, I thought, as I took a quick glance at the five figures on the check.

  I called my mother back as soon as they left and she answered the phone with urgency. I didn’t have time to say ‘hello’.

  “What’s wrong, Ma?”

  “Oh, I’m so glad you called back. Humphrey called here this morning and wanted to know if he could come to see me. He wants to talk to me about something he thinks I should know. Do you have any idea what he’s talking about?”

  “What did you tell him? Did you tell him not to come to your house?”

  “No. I want to know what’s going on. I didn’t want to bother your father with it. He’s still upset about Humphrey’s behavior at the wedding and he’s still confused about why you broke off the engagement. Your daddy thinks Humphrey did something to hurt you physically. Is that right?”

  “Of course not. He never laid a hand on me, but I don’t feel comfortable with him coming to your house. I’m going to call him back and tell him not to come.” What he was most likely coming to tell her would have the same effect as someone taking her breath away with one big punch.

  “It’s too late for that. He should be here in about an hour, but I want you to be here, too. I was just thinking about how he acted at the wedding and now I don’t feel good about being alone with him.”

  I had to give it to Humphrey. He was persistent and calculating. If I were a chess player, I could come up with the name of such a move, where one opponent circumvents the other to win the fight but since I wasn’t, I could only imagine the moves he was considering to get his point across. Phillip would not walk away without a blemish, Humphrey was making sure of that. My mother, however, would not be collateral damage. I had to make sure of that without her realizing it.

  “I really don’t want to see him,” I told her. “but if you don’t feel safe, I’ll come over.”

  “Don’t tell anybody else. I want to know what he’s talking about so that he won’t have a reason to come over anymore.”

  I drove to my mother’s in a heightened state of anxiety. I wasn’t ready to come face to face with Humphrey because he’d shown me that he was resentful and unpredictable—not an ideal combination. I couldn’t believe he would isolate my mother and blow her world apart. She’d shown more tenderness toward him, when Madonna disappeared than his own mother. It didn’t seem like he had much of a relationship with his mother but I held mine in the highest esteem. It seemed as if this little visit to my parents’ house was going to be a test for me in more ways than one.

  In New York, he’d said he was just lending me to Michael, so now I would have to make it clear to him that he didn’t own me. However, I wasn’t sure of how I would say it and how to sound like I meant it.

  From my old bedroom window, I saw his truck when he pulled up to the curb. I noticed that he’d lost some weight. His face didn’t look as wide, but the jaw was still prominent and square. The person advancing toward the house, dressed in a black suit with an aqua blue shirt, represented the day compared to the night of the last time I’d seen him. He’d kept most of the hair on his head and trimmed it and his full beard neatly. His strong sense of masculinity always took me by surprise. …as sure and proud as ever. He rang the doorbell and my mother sprang into action. I could hear her scurrying from back in the kitchen to answer the door.

  “Mrs. Browne” His tone was formal. “How are you? Thank you for seeing me on such short notice.”

  “Hello, Humphrey. Come on in.”

  I listened from the top of the stairs while they went through the formalities of two familiar people who hadn’t talked in a while. “How have you been...what brings you to town...what can I do for you?” I hoped I was wrong. I stood there praying he wasn’t there to tell my mother about Phillip. I wanted Phillip to do the right thing and break this news to my mother gently. If she heard it from Humphrey first, it might shatter her perception of her “perfect” son. Even if Phillip came to her with remorse and a generous amount of guilt, I was sure she would forgive him and offer to help him in any way. I had to intervene to be sure Humphrey wouldn’t ruin it for the whole family.

  I knew I had the element of surprise on my side when I suddenly appeared at the entrance to the living room. He stood up abruptly when I entered the room.

  “Zoë,” he said. He was plainly shocked to see me and looked over at my mother suspiciously, knowing that I was there because of her. “What a surprise this is.”

  “Hi, Humphrey. How are you?”

  “I’m doing much better than the last time you saw me and that’s the reason for my visit here today. I’ll be in Baltimore for a couple of weeks on business and I couldn’t be here comfortably without coming to see you, Mrs. Browne. I wanted to come here to apologize for my behavior at Phillip’s wedding. I know it was inexcusable, but I was under a lot of stress and a tremendous strain, after the disappearance of my sister.”

  My mother said, “I don’t think I’m the one you owe the apology to. That would be Zoë. You hurt her feelings badly that day, Humphrey, talking to her like trash. And you know my daughter is a nice girl. I didn’t like that. You tried to make people think she was a trashy girl.”

  “You’re so right. I was out of line that day.” He walked toward me and there was such a strong pull of energy coming from him, I didn’t know if I wanted to stand there or run. Damn, he was magnetic. He still had a power over me that I hadn’t come to terms with.

  “I’m sorry, Zoë. I know my behavior was an embarrassment to you, but I couldn’t accept the fact that it was over between us. You wouldn’t answer my calls. I was so frustrated. I needed to find a way to make you listen to me, to tell you that I was wrong. I knew that if I found you at the wedding, you wouldn’t have been able to run away. Forgive me?”

  I was surprised. He made the conversation so personal while in my mother’s presence, I hoped he knew where to draw the line. His Jeckyll and Hyde act still had me unnerved, so I wasn’t open to the fullest capacity while he spoke. I heard him, but wasn’t really listening enough to evaluate the prospect of sincerity in his plea. And I was still bracing myself for him to drop the knowledge of Pia’s paternity on us.

  “I don’t know. How can I believe what you’re saying is real... that you won’t try to come around and make a scene again or start harassing me? You really scared me.”<
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  “You know I would never do anything to hurt you. You know me by now. That was my hurt talking. Look at me.”

  “I thought I knew you…now, I’m not so sure.” I gave him full-on eye contact.

  He was holding my hands by then and I couldn’t pull mine from his no matter how hard I tried. It was as if they were glued together. And I couldn’t pull my eyes away from his.

  “I promise you, you won’t ever see me unless you want to. But there’s one thing I cannot promise and that’s that I won’t keep hoping you’ll give me another chance to prove how I really feel about you. I know I still have to get some things together in my life and I’m working on them. Everything worthwhile takes time and everything worth having is worth waiting for. I love you, Zoë and I don’t know if that will ever be enough for you and me, but that’s all I’ve got and that’s major. Hopefully everything else will fall into place.”

  Finally, I found the strength to pull away from him. He almost had me charmed. My heart was still pounding from the moment he had taken my hands into his.

  “I don’t think we have the same idea of what love is supposed to be. If we did, I would never have felt the need to question our relationship and you would never have wanted me to leave. I’ve moved on.”

  My eyes met my mother’s over his shoulder and in hers I saw pain. I couldn’t tell if she was hurting for him or for me. She excused herself, she said to check on something in the kitchen, but I think it was to give us the privacy to say good-bye.

  His presence was overwhelming as usual and I had needed my mother in the same room to give me the heart to stand up to him. He was the manliest man I’d ever met and the addition of the newly groomed beard made him more virile than before. I didn’t know how well I could face him on my own. It wasn’t that I wanted him that badly, but he had a way of making it hard for me to resist him. I wanted to run from the room.

  “I understand that you had to move on,” he said. “I don’t blame Michael one bit for picking up the pieces of our broken relationship. He had everything to gain and I’m sure he’s treating you like the queen you are. But he’ll never be able to make you feel the way I can.”

  I had been retreating from him with every word he said until I couldn’t go any further. Before I realized it, I was literally backed into a corner of my parents’ living room. He brought his face into contact with mine and brushed across my skin with his beard, inhaling like he was trying to absorb my scent. He brought his hands up to cup my face and Eskimo-kissed my nose, looking deeply into my eyes. I wanted to move, but I couldn’t command my feet to go. I wanted to talk, but I couldn’t summon the strength to speak.

  “Can’t you feel that?”

  His lips came down on mine, fitting them like the missing pieces to a puzzle, his thumbs caressing the sides of my face while he lapped at me with the hunger of a dying man. My heart leapt in my throat with every stroke of his tongue against mine. I was in danger of being consumed by him, by his intense passion and he knew it. I was afraid of the control he had over me. With my eyes closed, I prayed for my mother’s intervention and I prayed for my insides to stop reacting to his irresistible touch. When I did find the voice to speak, the only thing it did was moan in surrender and as soon as he heard that sound, he stopped. I opened my eyes to find him smiling at me. He finished with one last short kiss. “See? It’ll only be a matter of time. You belong with me. I’ll make you see that.”

  He started toward the front door.

  “Why do you keep toying with me? You act like a lion and I’m the prey you’re preparing to consume.”

  “You think I’m playing? Seriously?”

  “How else would you explain the way you singled me out, pretending to look for some fictional character from your past? Is your ego really that big?”

  A darkness fi led his eyes, as he seemed to ponder his response. “What? I guess you didn’t think I’d figure that out.”

  He walked back over to me.

  “This was never about my ego. It was about your brother’s. I wasn’t expecting you, when I knocked on the door that day.”

  “What were you looking for?”

  “I was looking for Pia’s father. Madonna never told us who he was but I found a Baltimore address in her journal. And a code name. And yes, I went searching.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  The victory he’d flaunted was gone from his face.

  “What was I supposed to say—‘Hello, I’m looking for the man who knocked-up my sister and refuses to acknowledge his child?’”

  “I…uh…don’t know what you should have said but as time went on, you should have let me know the reason you hated Phillip on sight.”

  “Because I wasn’t prepared for how hard I fell for you. I couldn’t risk losing you.”

  “You loved me so much, you decided to make a fool out of me just to pay my brother back?”

  The emotion attached to my question was strong but I didn’t really want to know the answer.

  “I’m the damned fool Zoë, not you. Only a fool finds a woman like you and screws up this badly.”

  “How do I even know you’re telling the truth now?” He reacted physically, like I’d just slapped his face.

  “I’ve never been a liar. When I told you I loved you that was real. When I asked you to be my wife that was real. I’m begging for the chance to show you how real my feelings are. I thought yours were too.”

  I flinched at the accusation that I wasn’t genuine, and didn't like how he’d flipped the focus.

  “Zoë,” my mother called from the kitchen. “Is everything ok in there?”

  We stepped back from each other, like children caught playing doctor.

  “Yes, Ma. Everything is fine.”

  I wiped unshed tears with the back of my hand and spoke fervently in a hushed voice.

  “I don’t know what to think anymore but I want you to leave my mother out of this. She doesn’t deserve to be hurt by anything my brother has done. Don’t try to crush her with this news. She will be told about Pia.”

  He looked at me doubtfully. “Like the way she’s been told about Madonna?”

  “No, Humphrey. Not like that. You have my word.”

  He gently grasped my chin and directed my gaze to his. “I’ll take what I can get, right now. But please know, I want much, much more.”

  He placed a quick peck on my lips then started back toward the door.

  “Have a good day, Mrs. Browne,” he called out to my mother while making his exit.

  He walked out of the house with his confident walk, the one I usually liked but just then, it was a strut—one I found myself detesting. I felt defeated. Five minutes alone with Humphrey Pearson and he’d managed to subdue me with his scorching touch and true confessions. All of the progress I’d made in starting my life over without him was undone because I couldn’t control my willful flesh or my bleeding heart. There was no doubt about it, I had been played. I would forever remember the victory in his eyes and the regret I felt in knowing I had done nothing to knock that smug look off his face.

  As soon as my mother walked into her living room and took one look at me, she knew. She knew that a part of me still cared enough about Humphrey to let him take those kinds of liberties. She didn’t ask me anything. I could tell she knew.

  “Oh, honey. You can’t keep letting that man know how far he can get with you,” she said with a look of pity.

  And I could only imagine what sight I was to behold with my lipstick smeared and my face full of guilt. I looked down to check my clothing to make sure I hadn’t been temporarily insane and allowed him to probe inside them. I couldn’t see my own eyes, but I already knew they reflected nothing but shame.

  “I feel so stupid. He made a joke out of me.”

  “Baby, when I first met him, I knew that man was dangerous. He’s got enough sex appeal to make old ladies swoon, but his eyes are the darkest, most magnetic things I’ve ever seen. Stay away from him.”
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  “I thought you liked him, Ma.”

  “This has nothing to do with liking or disliking. I just think he has more power than you can handle.”

  She put her arm around my shoulders and drew me close. “He’s got one strike against him for the wedding. And

  another one for today. There are some things I might be willing to overlook—like those damned eyes of his, but he’s deliberately used me as bait to get to you. And I’m mad as hell about that. He’s on third base with two outs now, so he’d better tread lightly.” I stayed with my mother for the majority of the day until she had to go out to show some houses. It had been one of her work at home days and I’d spent most of it working her nerves with my insecurities about men. I loved Michael. I loved Humphrey. I felt good about myself when I was with Michael. I felt more conscious of my flaws when I was with Humphrey. Michael was good to me…good for me. He loved me. Humphrey looked good to me…felt good to me. He loved me. Michael and I had history. Humphrey and I had chemistry…together we were electric. Michael and I made sense; we could build a life together outside of the bedroom. So how could Humphrey just walk in, render my brain useless and command my body to react to his touch? It had received more than enough touching from Michael, to both of our satisfaction, yet Humphrey had managed to make me yearn for even more. What was he doing to me?

  By eight that night, Michael had left his third message in my voice mail.

  “It’s a good thing I’m not an insecure brother,” he’d said, “or I would be thinking twice about whether you enjoyed my company last night.” He knew I was avoiding him. He knew I would usually have called him to touch base throughout the day and I felt badly about that. But I wondered if I would be able to relate to him the same way, knowing I still had a weakness for Humphrey. I already knew I wasn’t going to lie to him about anything and if he pressed me for a reason, I would tell him the truth and let that take us where it would. I hoped it wouldn’t come to that though, because there was nothing I looked forward to less than hurting Michael.

  My phone rang again and when I saw that it was from my mother, I picked up.