by Natalie Ward
“What’s this?” I ask, confused.
“This,” he says. “All this misunderstanding, the confusion, the hurt. It could’ve all just been so easily avoided, Mia. If only you’d talked to me.”
I sigh, my head falling as I stare at my fingers, still tracing imaginary patterns on his duvet. I don’t even know what he’s trying to tell me anymore.
“You think so?” I ask quietly.
“I know so, Mia,” he answers. “But you’re just too stubborn for your own good.”
I smile, because I can’t help it. He’s right, I am stubborn, I always have been. It’s a trait I got from my father unfortunately, Luke too. It’s not something I’m proud of, but it is what it is. I can only hope in this instance, trying to get Jared back, that my stubbornness ends up being a good thing.
I look up at him now, still smiling. He’s staring back at me still, a mixture of frustration and relief on his face.
“Yeah,” I finally say. “I know I am.”
“So why didn’t you come back to Boston then?”
Today, 1:50pm – Jared
I have to go back in there…I know I do. I’m not walking away, I couldn’t do that if I tried. I don’t even know why I stormed out of the room. I just needed to get away from her before I did something really fucking stupid, said something even stupider.
“Fuck.”
I stare at the half empty beer in my hand and contemplate finishing it. I don’t though, I walk to the sink, pour the rest of it out and then turn and walk towards my room. Whatever Mia’s reasons were for breaking us up, the one thing I really don’t understand is why the fuck she never came back to Boston. Why didn’t she explain what she was going through, at least give me a chance to understand, to come up with a solution.
I think all along, that’s what has been the thing that’s hurt the most. She just walked away and didn’t look back. No, actually, she pushed me away and then didn’t look back. She got on with life, acted as though everything was fine and that all of those years we’d spent together meant nothing, were nothing.
And that’s been the one thing that’s fucking hurt the most, that I’ve never been able to get over.
And now, it’s the one thing I know I need an answer to. So taking a deep breath, I stalk back towards my room, opening the door. Mia is curled up on my bed, crying. All at once, my body feels torn in two, one half of me wanting to go to her, to pull her into my arms and comfort her, promise her that I’m right here, that I’ll never walk away, that I love her. But the other half of me remains standing at the door, unsure of how much more of this I can really take, how much longer I can keep putting up with it.
Mia remains curled up, crying, but I force myself to stand here and ask the question I need answered. Despite the fact that my heart is begging me to go to her, to pull her into my arms and comfort her. I’ve never been able to see her upset, never. And despite everything, right now is no different.
I feel my hands clench into fists as I force myself to stay right where I am.
“Why didn’t you come back to Boston?” I ask her, my voice sounding completely different for some reason.
I watch as Mia uncurls herself from around my pillow and looks up at me. Her face is stained with tears, her beautiful blue eyes are bloodshot and puffy from crying. But despite this, she still looks as gorgeous as she always does. I’m struggling not to go to her, to not pull her into my arms and comfort her, and I can feel my body tense up as I force myself not to move.
Yeah I’m being a dick, but I want an answer first.
“Will you come and sit down,” she says, her voice hoarse. “Please?”
I force myself to breathe, knowing with every step I take towards her, my resistance against comforting her will get harder and harder. I want to slide under the covers and pull her into my arms. I want to hold her so badly right now. She looks at me with so much hurt and regret on her face, that it’s painful for me to stand here and do nothing. In the end I cave and walk towards the bed, forcing myself to sit on the edge to reduce the temptation.
“Jared…” she says and it breaks my heart hearing her say my name like that, and I can’t stop the words as they come flying out of my mouth now.
“You were so cold Mia,” I say, frustrated all over again. “Just pushing me away like that, I mean texting me, what the fuck?”
I watch as Mia lets out a long breath, sliding a little bit closer towards me. I want to move away, I need to move away, but I don’t.
“I know,” she whispers. “It was a really shitty thing to do, I know.”
“So why did you?” I ask her, desperate for the reason. “Why the fuck didn’t you just talk to me, try explaining it?”
Mia says nothing for what feels like forever. She’s not looking at me anymore and I’m watching her as she runs her fingers over the covers. All at once, memories of her running those fingers over my skin, my body, crowd my brain, knocking down a little bit more of that resistance I’m trying so fucking hard to hang on to. How easy it would be to just reach over and pull her into my arms. How easy it would be to just forget about what happened in the past, to forget about why she pushed me away, why she stayed in Chicago and just pull her into my arms. Just hold her and kiss her, all over again.
But I can’t, because I need to know. I need to know exactly what happened so if there really is any chance of a future for us, I know how to stop it from happening again. So I squeeze my hands into fists again and resist, knowing it’s getting harder and harder with every minute that passes.
“Mia?” I say, prompting her.
She finally looks up at me and her face is a mixture of fear and sorrow. “Because I was scared.”
And just like that, my resistance starts to fall away again. Just like that, I start to give in, even though I still don’t understand why. “Scared?” I ask her. “Of me?”
Mia shakes her head immediately. “No, not you, never you Jared. I was scared of me.”
I exhale loudly, not realising I was even holding my breath. “Why?”
“I was scared that if I let you in, if I told you why I was doing it, then you’d somehow talk me out of it,” she whispers. “That I’d give in and have everything I wanted, regardless of what it cost.”
Mia’s head dips as though she doesn’t want to look at me while she admits this. Her hair falls from behind her ear and because my so-called resistance has all but fucked off completely now, I reach out and tuck it back behind her ear, watch as she flinches at my touch. That in itself hurts, but I just want to see her face as she tells me why. I want to see her as she finally admits the truth.
“I would have found a way to make it work for you Mia,” I tell her, knowing I would have done anything she’d asked me to, if only she’d asked.
“I don’t know if you could,” she says, as she stares back at me. “And that’s what scared the shit out of me.”
I can’t take my eyes off her. I’m caving, I’m caving in so fucking easily. She’s biting her bottom lip again and she has no idea how fucking sexy she looks, even with her tear stained face. I want to lean in and kiss her, bite that lip myself. I want to reach over, pull her into my arms and kiss and bite her for hours. But I don’t, I can’t, because she still hasn’t answered my fucking question.
I take a deep breath. “I think what hurt the most Mia,” I tell her. “Was how easy it seemed, how easy it seemed for you to throw me away like you did.”
I watch as Mia flinches, as she opens her mouth ready to defend herself, ready to try and explain herself, but now that I’ve started, I don’t want to stop, I want her to know how I felt, how I still feel. I hold up my hand.
“It was like I meant nothing to you, as though we and everything we had together, meant nothing to you,” I say, watching as her face starts to crumble. “And that hurt baby, it really fucking hurt.”
Shit, it slips out without me even realising. Shit, fuck, shit. So much for fucking resisting.
“I know Jared,
” she says now, her eyes begging me to believe her. “Trust me, I really know. Despite what you thought it looked like, it hurt me too, really badly.”
“I just can’t believe it all happened like this,” I say quickly. “It all just seems so, I don’t know…pointless?”
“What, us?”
“No, not us,” I say, gesturing around the room and all the words that have been spoken in here last night and today. “This.”
“What’s this?” Mia asks, not understanding what I’m saying to her.
“This,” I repeat. “All this misunderstanding, the confusion, the hurt. It could’ve all just been so easily avoided, Mia,” I continue, my hand running through my hair. “If only you’d talked to me.”
Mia’s head drops again and she stares down at her hands. Does she think that I think we are too fucked up, that we are un-saveable? Because I don’t, despite everything that’s happened. Despite how fucking angry I was, still am. If she asked me again, I’d take her back in a heartbeat. I know I would.
“You think so?” she whispers, still not looking at me.
“I know so Mia, you’re just too stubborn for your own good.”
She looks up at me finally and this time there’s a tiny smile on her face. I smile back at her and somewhere, something infinitely small, changes. Somewhere, we finally come to some sort of understanding that is only further defined by Mia’s next words.
“Yeah,” she says to me. “I know I am.”
And I actually smile at the fact that she’s acknowledged it. But again, I need to know.
“So why didn’t you come back to Boston then?”
A year ago – Mia
I close the door to my apartment, drop the photos he’s given me and sink to the floor. I can’t believe it. I can’t fucking believe it. I can’t fucking believe he’s done this to me. I can’t believe I have to do this.
“No, no, no, no,” I scream, my fist pounding into the floor.
I lean forward until my forehead rests on the cool floorboards. The photos surround me and my heart breaks as I look at them, remember every single moment, every single one of them. Moments that are full of love and happiness, but which now bring me nothing but pain.
A hard ache starts to build inside my chest, right where my heart is, before slowly radiating out until it consumes me.
The pain is indescribable.
The pain of what’s just happened. The pain of what I now have to do. The pain of who I’m going to hurt. The pain as my heart breaks, as though it’s ripping apart inside my chest.
The pain of losing him, which I know I will.
I feel sick.
I try to stand and half stumble, half crawl my way to the bathroom. Sharp pains stab my chest and my stomach. The tears are already streaming down my face and as I lift the lid of the toilet bowl I cry out in agony, before I throw up. Everything that was in my stomach and what feels like a whole lot more, exiting my body.
I can’t help but wonder if my heart is in there with it, because it sure as hell isn’t in my chest anymore.
A year ago – Jared
My phone rings out with a message which makes me smile, Mia. She should be on her way to the airport and back home to me. As I close the fridge door, throwing back half of my beer, I pick up my phone and open the text.
I can’t do this anymore. Sorry.
What the fuck?
I immediately call Mia but it goes straight to voicemail, the sound of her voice little comfort to me right now. Hanging up without leaving a message, I type in a return text.
What do u mean? R u ok?
I wait, finishing off the rest of my beer and immediately grabbing another. Finally another text comes through.
Sorry, am fine. Just can’t.
What the hell is going on here? I try calling her again, but once more it goes straight to voicemail.
Mia, answer your phone, talk to me. Please!
I wait five minutes and try calling her again and this time, finally, she answers.
“Hey,” she says, but her voice is flat and I don’t even want to respond like I normally would.
“Baby, what’s going on, what are you talking about?” I ask. “You can’t do what anymore?”
Mia exhales loudly, before she answers me. “Us,” she says, her voice strange. “Us Jared, I can’t…I just can’t do it anymore.”
I run my hand through my hair, take another sip of beer. “Mia, baby,” I say, my voice relaxing. “What are you talking about, what, why can’t you?”
“Jared, please don’t make this any harder…”
I freeze. Something is wrong, something is very wrong here.
“I’m booking a flight right now Mia, I’ll be there tonight, I promise. I love you baby, I love you, don’t do anything okay.” My words are said in a rush, not giving her a chance to explain. “I’ve gotta go. I’ll see you in a couple of hours. I love you.” And then I hang up without giving her a chance to speak.
As I run to my room and grab some things, I start to feel sick. Somewhere, deep down, I know something is very wrong.
Somehow, a part of me knows that we are fucked, and there isn’t going to be a damn thing I can do about it.
A year ago – Mia
“Mia, open the door!”
Jared is pounding on my front door. I can hear it from my bedroom, but I am too scared to go and open it. I don’t know why he’s even knocking when he has a key.
And right on cue, I hear it in the lock. This is followed by the sound of the door opening, slamming and then Jared’s angry footsteps, heading in my direction.
I don’t know if I can do this. I really don’t know if I can.
“Mia, baby, what the fuck?” he asks, stalking towards me. His hands wrap around my shoulders and he pulls me to my feet, wrapping me in his arms. My eyes close, trying to savour this feeling, memorise this moment.
I know it’s going to be the last good one I have with him and I have to save it. God knows I’m going to need it later.
Jared eventually pushes me back, squatting so he can look into my eyes. He’s blurry to me, so I know I am already crying.
“What the hell’s going on Mia?” he asks. “What was all that shit about with the texts? Talk to me baby, please.”
I watch him staring at me, his face nothing but concern as his thumbs brush away my tears. I can barely breathe, let alone speak. I don’t know what to do, I want to tell him everything. I want him to fix this.
But I can’t, I can’t. I know what will happen if I do and I just can’t let it happen, I can’t do that to Jared. I love him too much.
“Mia?” he says again, the concern in his voice making my heart hurt.
“I can’t do this anymore Jared,” I finally breathe out, the lie twisting my insides.
“What?” His fingers tighten their hold on me, squeezing my skin all the way down to my bones. But I don’t care. I need to feel it, need to feel something. Anything except for this blanket of numbness that I’m currently feeling.
“I can’t,” I whisper, my voice somewhere else. I can’t possibly be saying these words to him. Not me, not to him.
“Why the hell not? What’s going on Mia?” Jared asks frustrated. He pulls me towards the bed and sits down, holding me in his arms.
I take a deep breath, force myself to get the words out, the words that are a complete and utter lie. Words I don’t want to say at all, words I can’t even believe I’m about to speak to him.
“Because it’s not working.”
“Not working?” he asks, his voice cracking. “Not working, how the hell can you say it’s not working?”
“Because it’s not,” I say, forcing the lies out.
Jared’s hands fall from my shoulders now. “Why?” he asks, his voice only a whisper.
I force myself to look at him, even though I’m scared he’ll see straight through me. “The distance Jared, I can’t do it anymore.” It’s such a lie, such a big fat lie.
“Baby
,” he says, his voice softening now. “We don’t have to, I told you, I’ll move out here if you want to take the job, I’ll stay right now and never leave. I won’t ever leave you.”
I stare into his eyes, his beautiful blue eyes that are the colour of the sky. They are looking back at me with so much love and hope and want and it almost makes me give in. Almost has me begging him to do that, to give up everything and move here to be with me.
But then I remember who will lose out and I know I can’t ask him that. I can’t do it to Jared or to Luke.
I know I have to do it like this instead, no matter how much it breaks my heart.
“That’s not going to work,” I say, my voice sounding less and less like my own with every lie I tell him.
“Why?” he asks in a way that almost breaks my heart.
I take a deep breath and I tell another one. “Because I need to go back to LA for a while.”
“What, why?”
I can see the hope fading from those beautiful eyes. “Because. For work. I’m not sure how long it’s going to take, weeks, maybe months.”
“So,” Jared says, sliding closer to me on the bed. “I’ll move to LA with you.”
I stand up now, needing to get away from him, knowing that if he touches me, this will all be over and I’ll cave, give in to him. Give in to what he wants, to what I want just as much.
“No, that’s not going to work either, Jared.”
“Mia, why?” he says, standing up and walking towards me. “What the fuck is going on baby?”
He’s fighting for me, fighting to keep me, but I can’t let him.
“Mia?” He stops right in front of me and my traitorous body is begging me to pull him into my arms, begging me to kiss him and tell him I’m sorry, that I didn’t mean any of it, that I do want him and I do want this and I don’t care where we live, as long as I can have him.
But then I remember why I’m doing this, why I have to do this.
“I need a break Jared,” I lie. “I…I just feel smothered, that this is all moving too fast.” The words are bitter in my mouth and I feel like throwing up as soon as they are spoken.