by Natalie Ward
“Too fast? Mia what the fuck,” he says, his hand running through his hair. “We’ve been living together for ages,” he continues. “None of this was too fast back in Boston, why is it now?”
I swallow back the bile I know is rising. “It just is,” I say, knowing there’s no explanation, because there is no truth in what I’m saying. Nothing is moving too fast, none of it is.
“But Mia, I love you, you love me, I…” Jared exhales, his fingers pulling on his hair as he tries to calm down. “I don’t understand baby, I don’t understand what’s going on?”
He takes a step towards me and I force myself to step backwards, force myself not to reach out and pull him towards me. “Please,” I beg. “I just need a break, just some time.”
“For how long?” he asks and I can hear the fear in his voice.
I shrug, not trusting myself to answer.
“How long Mia?” he asks again.
“I don’t know,” I yell back at him, the pain in my stomach intensifying as the hurt crosses his face. “I don’t know okay, I just don’t know.”
“Is this permanent?” he asks me, his voice flat now.
“No!” I say, pacing in front of him to stop myself from changing my mind, even if I’m still not daring to properly end this with him now. “I just need some time off, some time to get things sorted in my head.”
“Do you love me Mia?” he suddenly asks, and I stop, turn to face him.
I can see all of the pain and misery and hurt on his face. All of the things I am inflicting on him, one by one, over and over again. I wish I could take them all back. I wish I could tell him why I’m being forced to do this, why I am hurting him to protect him, but I can’t. I can’t because I know he will talk me out of it. I know he will convince me to change my mind and then I have no idea what will happen. He will get hurt if I change my mind and it will all be my fault. This, breaking up with him, is the only way I can protect him and I have to do it, even if it kills me. I just hope it doesn’t kill him in the process.
“Mia?” he says again. “Do you love me?”
I stare into his beautiful blue eyes. Eyes, which are already shining with unshed tears. Yes I do Jared. I love you. I love you more than you can possibly understand. And I’m sorry, I’m sorry I have to do this.
But I don’t say these words. I don’t say anything at all because I don’t trust myself to speak. I don’t trust myself not to just break down and tell him everything.
I can’t.
So instead I say nothing, I just shake my head at him and watch as my action stabs him right through the heart, knowing that mine broke the minute I made my decision to do this.
“You don’t?” he asks, his voice cracking.
I say nothing, do nothing, don’t even move.
“You don’t love, Mia? Anymore or you never have?” he spits his words out now and I know he’s angry. I don’t blame him.
I’m losing him.
Still I say nothing, instead watch silently as the best thing that ever happened to me, falls apart in front me.
“Mia, what the fuck is going on here, why are you doing this to me?” he says. “Do I mean nothing to you? Does everything we have together mean fucking nothing to you?”
I swallow, nearly choking on the bile I can feel coursing in my throat.
“How the fuck can you do this?” he asks me now and I don’t have an answer. “You are that fucking cold that you can just throw us away like this? Do I really mean that little to you?”
I can’t listen to these words. I don’t want to hear them, don’t want them to be real. I shut down on the inside, blocking it all out, knowing it’s too late anyway.
I’m not just losing him. I’ve lost him.
I have lost him and I don’t know if I am ever going to get him back.
And it’s all his fault.
I fucking hate him.
Today, 2:22pm – Jared
Mia and I have been staring at each other for the last five minutes. I’m still trying to process everything she’s told me, wondering how it is that I managed to fall in love with the most stubborn woman on the planet. I take a deep breath, swallowing as I repeat my question.
“Why didn’t you come back to Boston, Mia?”
“Please don’t hate me.”
I blink at her words, knowing despite everything, there’s no way I could ever hate her. Not when I love her as much as I do.
“I don’t.”
“Please don’t hate me Jared, I couldn’t bear it, can’t, I don’t want, I just…fuck.”
Mia isn’t making any sense, and I don’t know what to think of the words she’s saying now. I want to tell her that I don’t hate her, that I never will. Suddenly I really need her to know this, but she goes on, not letting me.
“Luke was why I quit, and you, you were why I was coming back, Jared. But my dad…my dad was why I didn’t, why I couldn’t.”
What the fuck?
“What? What are you talking about Mia, what the fuck did he do to you?” This isn’t making any sense.
“He found out and he threatened…He threatened to destroy you, your family, everything…everything. And I …love…you…I’m sorry…I’m so sorry…”
Her words come at me in a rush, so quickly, I’m not even sure I catch them all. I hear words like; don’t hate me, I love you, can’t, don’t, family…Mia is crying, sobbing, barely breathing now. Her words are choked, anguished pleas; don’t hate me, I love you, can’t, don’t, my dad, destroy you, your family.
I don’t understand, I don’t get what she’s trying to say. Her dad found out about us? Her dad wanted to destroy me, I don’t fucking understand and right now I can’t understand anything Mia is saying to me. She is sobbing uncontrollably, her breathing is hard, angry bursts that are painful to even listen to. I need to know what she’s talking about, I need to understand what she’s trying to say to me, what I think I’m hearing.
But I also know I can’t bear to see her like this. I can’t sit back and watch as she literally falls apart in front of me. I might be pissed and I might want to know what the fuck happened, but not like this, not with Mia hurting this much. Nothing is worth this.
I reach out and do what I’ve being trying to stop myself from doing since I came back into the room. I wrap my arms around her and pull her into my lap. Mia buries her face against my chest, just like she used to and I tighten my arms around her. All at once, a peace settles over me and for the first time in a year, I feel…right.
“Jared…” she moans and it’s absolute agony to hear her like this.
“Shhh baby,” I whisper. “It’s okay.” Her sobs get harder. “He can’t hurt you, I’ll never let him hurt you.” I don’t even know if this is what she’s worried about, if she’s scared of him doing something, scared that he’ll come after her like he did to Luke.
I run my fingers through her hair, trying to get her to calm down. “Mia, it’s okay. Please don’t cry baby, please. Shhh.”
She sobs again, my name falling from her lips.
It feels like she’s falling apart in my arms and whatever part of my heart that had hardened, has now completely disappeared. I can’t pretend I understand what she did or why, I’m not sure I ever really will. I have no idea what her dad could’ve ever done to get to her like this. And I know there is a part of me that still hurts at what she did to me, to us.
But for the first time, I can see how much this has hurt her too. For the first time, I can see that she shares the pain I’ve been carrying for the last year.
For the first time, I can see that both of us have been hurting because of this.
She mumbles something against my chest, but I don’t hear her.
“What?” I ask, brushing her hair back and forcing her to look at me.
“There’s one more thing,” she says, her face covered in anguish.
I wipe her tears away with my thumbs, not even really understanding what she’s just told me. “What, what
else Mia?”
She’s crying even harder now and it breaks my heart to see her this upset. I pull her closer. Mia crawls even further onto my lap and I let her, wrapping my arms around her even tighter. It feels so good to hold her again and I know it would be so easy to forgive her and let it all go. That I want to, more than anything else in the world. But then she says something that completely changes everything.
“My father, he wanted to…but that’s nothing, I, I was pregnant and I’m sorry and please, I love you, I want you back, please Jared. Please…I’m sorry…”
And I feel like I’ve just been punched in the gut all over again.
Today, 2:22pm – Mia
We stare at each other for what feels like hours, but I know is only seconds. I’m trying to work out how to answer his question. Well I know the answer, but I don’t know if he’ll understand it, let alone if he’ll forgive me for it.
“Please don’t hate me,” I whisper.
He looks at me confused as he says, “I don’t Mia.”
You will.
“Please don’t hate me Jared, I couldn’t bear it, can’t, I don’t want, I just…fuck.” My breathing is coming in hard, violent bursts now, matching the tears that are starting to fall. I have to get this out, I have to tell him. I need to say it. “Luke was why I quit, and you, you were why I was coming back, Jared. But my dad…my dad was why I didn’t, why I couldn’t.”
“What?” Jared says, his voice both shocked and angry. “What are you talking about Mia, what the fuck did he do to you?”
Not me Jared. You. It was always you. You are who I was protecting.
I take a deep breath. “He found out and he threatened…” I’m struggling to breathe right now. “He threatened to destroy you, your family…everything. And I…love…you…I’m sorry…I’m so sorry…”
My words are a rush and I no longer have any idea what I’m saying as my head falls and the sobs become unstoppable. The pain I am feeling right now is like nothing else in this world. If I’d thought losing Jared the first time was hard, it’s nothing in comparison to now. Telling him all of this, seeing his face as I say these words, as I admit I was wrong and that if I hadn’t been so stupid, if I could have just stood up for myself, none of this would’ve happened. It hurts to tell him how much I love him, to have to beg him to believe me, to even consider taking me back. Once upon a time, those were the only words he wanted to hear.
It kills me to tell him about my stupid fucking father. The man who’s not only destroyed so much of mine and Luke’s life, but has now also fucked up me and Jared. I have no idea what he thinks, what he will say. Right now he’s saying nothing and I am too afraid to even look at him.
And then all of a sudden, Jared’s arms are wrapped around me. All of a sudden, I am surrounded by him as he pulls me into his arms and his lap. My face is buried against his chest and all I can smell is him. All I can feel is his tight embrace, holding me against him.
“Shhh baby,” he whispers, his words stabbing me right through my broken heart. “It’s okay, he can’t hurt you. I’ll never let him hurt you.”
I’m shaking, shaking uncontrollably, wanting to tell Jared that it was only ever him who I wanted to protect from my father. Jared and his amazing family, but all I can hear is Jared’s voice telling me, “Mia, it’s okay. Please don’t cry baby, please. Shhh.”
My chest aches, it aches so badly and there’s still one more thing he needs to know. I have to get it out, I have to tell him. I whisper the words against his chest now, wishing they were already inside him, that I could skip right over this part.
“What?” he asks, pushing me gently back so I’m forced to look at him.
“There’s one more thing,” I breathe out.
“What,” he asks, wiping away my tears. “What else Mia?”
My tears continue despite Jared’s attempts at brushing them away. I feel him moving, taking me with him as he pulls me closer. I don’t even think about it, climbing further onto his lap, just wanting to be as close to him as possible. I don’t want to move, I don’t want to leave. I don’t ever want to let him go.
I bite down on my lip, hard, sure I can taste blood. The sting jolts through me, forcing the words out before I can hide them again. Taking a deep breath, I say it. I say the last thing I have to say to him.
“My father, he wanted to…but that’s nothing, I, I was pregnant and I’m sorry and please, I love you, I want you back, please Jared. Please…I’m sorry…”
And then I cling to him, desperately trying to hold on.
Today, 2:59pm – Jared
Without even realising, I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding. It comes out in a hard, sharp burst.
Pregnant?
I don’t know what to say, what to think, what to even feel. This is so much more than I ever expected it to be, I can’t even begin to comprehend any of it. So in the end, I just don’t. For the first time since any of this happened, I just stop thinking about any of it anymore. I stop thinking and I give in completely, wrapping my arms around her and pulling her against me until we are both wrapped around each other, not an inch of space separating us. Mia sobs even harder now, her whole body shaking against mine.
I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut, really fucking hard. I try to say something, anything, but nothing will come out, all of my breath blown out of me with those three words.
…I was pregnant…
“I was coming back, coming back to tell you, but then…then he showed up,” Mia sobs.
I can’t breathe. I can’t fucking breathe.
I feel a sob in my throat; a noise comes out that sounds completely foreign, as though it belongs to an animal in agony and not a human being, not me. I have to force my lungs to work, my head is spinning and I need air.
“You were pregnant?” I whisper, surprised she even hears me.
“I was.”
“What…what happened?”
Mia buries her head against my neck and I can feel her breath, hot against my skin. I don’t know what to think; don’t know what I’m feeling. I’m overwhelmed at everything she has told me, but at the same time, I feel happy and numb and elated and angry and pissed off and frustrated and fucking livid, all at the same time.
I don’t know…I just…I don’t know what to think.
“After I quit my job, I found out,” she says, her words trapped between us. “I only wanted to come and tell you, be with you. I wanted to be with you, to have our baby. But I…” She’s sobbing even harder now and I can barely understand her.
“What happened Mia?” I ask again, needing to know.
I feel her pull back and I look down. Her eyes are so sad, so incredibly sad. Sadder than I’ve ever seen them before and it almost breaks my heart all over again.
“I’m sorry,” she whispers.
I don’t understand. I don’t know what she’s saying sorry for now. “What?”
Mia takes a deep breath, struggling with something. “I don’t even know…” she says before her voice gives out. Taking another deep breath, she tries again. “…if, if you would have wanted to have a baby with me.”
Oh fucking hell, really? How the hell can she think this? How could she have ever doubted what I felt for her; what I wanted with her? I crush her against me. No, no, no, no. Fucking hell, I wanted everything, everything with this woman. The whole fucking nine yards and more. Jesus Christ Mia, don’t ever think anything different, ever.
Fuck.
“Mia,” I whisper, not really knowing how to explain any of this to her. “I wanted everything baby, everything, you know that. But what happened, just tell me, please?” I’m pleading with her, begging her to tell me everything now.
I feel her lips against my neck, her teeth as they gently bite my skin. I want her to bite me harder so I can feel something, anything. Anything, except the fear I’m now feeling at what she’s about to say to me.
“Mia?”
“I lost it Jared. After
he came to see me, I lost it…I wanted so badly to tell you…but…” She stops talking as she tries to catch her breath. I want to tell her to stop, that I don’t need to hear it, but I know deep down, that I do. So I pull her closer to me, try to let her know it’s alright, that anything she tells me is okay.
“…But I was so ashamed. At the awful way I’d treated you, the things I’d said…the text…not coming back to Boston…” Her sobs get harder and I’m not really sure how much longer I can let her hurt like this.
“I felt like it was a sign, a sign that this is what I deserved. That I’d pushed you away, I’d hurt you, so badly… and because I couldn’t have you, I couldn’t have our baby either… I couldn’t have any of it.”
Mia is bawling now, her arms locked tightly around my neck like a vice. I don’t even know if she’s cutting off my air because right now, I don’t think I’m actually breathing anymore. I can feel tears on my face, my body shaking as I try to absorb everything she has told me. Somewhere I can hear words. “Mia, Mia, Mia,” and I realise it’s me saying them.
“I just didn’t know what to do Jared, so I did the worst fucking thing possible… I did nothing.”
And then she buries her face in my neck and sobs.
Today, 2:59pm – Mia
I am sobbing and I can’t speak.
Although the weight of carrying this around has finally been lifted, I thought it would be easier. I thought once I told him, once I told him everything, it would all be easier.
But it’s not.
It hurts; it hurts so fucking much, because Jared is right.
If I hadn’t been such a stubborn idiot, such a stubborn fucking coward, none of this would have happened. None of it would’ve had to happen. I could have been with Jared, and I wouldn’t have wasted this past year; alone, in pain and without him.
His arms are holding me so tightly against him that I can barely breathe. I don’t even care, because right now it feels like he’s holding me together. That his arms are the only thing keeping me together.