by Natalie Ward
When I eventually put her down and Mia’s flushed and smiling face is looking up at me, she asks, “So that’s a yes?”
“Baby,” I say, leaning down to kiss her again, softer this time. “That, is a big fat fucking yes.”
And the only thing I hear is Mia’s laughter as I pull her into my arms. I hold her to me this time; hold this woman who has stolen my heart and soul, tight against me. I feel like she’s finally, after so long, starting to bare hers to me and I want her to know that she can, that she can tell me anything she wants to, because not only does she own my heart and soul, but I will protect hers with everything I’ve got. I will protect her as though my life depends on it.
When we eventually get to the hospital, we run into Steve and Pete who are carrying a tray of coffees.
“You guys seen Ben?” I ask, taking one of the cups they offer me.
“Well, he and Sarah went home together last night, so my guess, he’s probably still in bed with her,” Pete says smiling. “But I see you two have finally sorted your shit out?” he continues, gesturing to Mia and me.
I look down and see Mia blushing as she tightens her arms and I can’t help but laugh. “We have,” I say, kissing the top of her head.
“About fucking time,” Steve says, taking a sip of coffee.
We all head down to find Ash’s room. She’s been moved from wherever Luke was taken last night, but I’ll guarantee he has not left her side since. I’m pretty sure I’d be doing the same thing if it were Mia lying in that bed.
And the thought at how close that came to being a possibility sends a shiver right through me.
The next day, 3:06pm – Mia
The four of us walk into the room that Ash has been moved to. Hers is the only bed in there, but right now, there are two people sleeping in it, curled around each other. Luke is holding Ash against him and even though he is asleep, I can see the pain all over his face. I can’t even begin to imagine what his night has been like, but I suspect this is a million times worse than anything he ever went through growing up.
“We should let them sleep,” I whisper to the guys.
“Yeah, we should,” Jared says. “I’ll just leave the bag for them and we can come back later.”
“I’m awake,” Luke says, slowly opening his eyes.
“Sorry,” I whisper, walking towards the bed.
I watch as he slowly sits up, trying not to disturb Ash, who is tucked in against him.
“It’s okay,” he says. “I was just dozing.”
I walk over and wrap my arms around his shoulders, pulling him in a hug as best I can, given he is still sitting on the bed. “You okay?” I ask.
“Yeah, no, I don’t really know, Mia,” he says so only I can hear.
“What can I do, Luke? Tell me what you need.” I pull back and look at him and I can see the pain in his eyes. When we were kids, he always looked so sad, resigned almost, to the shit he was forced to put up with. Then when he met Ash, discovered music, he changed. His eyes were full of happiness and life; he was a completely different person. Escaping from our father changed him, but music and Ash, those two made him. Made him into the person he is now. Seeing that change in him was exactly why I’d done what I’d done.
But right now, that happiness and life is gone, replaced instead with pain and misery. Agony really. But it’s different than before, it’s deeper, darker, a blackness that has worked its way inside of him. I can only hope that with every day Ash gets better, so does he.
He shrugs at me, as if he doesn’t know the answer.
“She’s going to be okay, you know.”
“Yeah,” he says, although he doesn’t sound like he believes it.
We only stay for an hour, and Ash doesn’t really wake up during that time, not even when Ben and Sarah finally show up, hand in hand. Luke starts to relax a little, if saying more than three words at a time can be called relaxed. At one point he even cracks a tiny smile. I watch as he sits, holding Ash’s hand the entire time, and I know he notices Jared and me. I’m sitting on the armrest of Jared’s chair and his hand is resting on my back. It’s only when Luke sees that, that he does smile and it gives me hope.
Jared’s right, Luke never did have a problem with us being together, it was always me.
When a nurse finally comes and kicks us all out, I walk over and pull my brother into another hug, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “You’re going to be okay Luke, both of you are.”
“Yeah, thanks Mia. Looks like you and Jared are doing okay again too?”
I pull back and look at him, see another tiny smile on his face. I smile back at him, trying to encourage it. “Yeah, we are.”
“Good,” he says, his smile a tiny bit bigger as he hugs me again.
Six days later – Jared
I watch Luke and Ash as they walk out to the living room. They both look completely exhausted. Luke especially looks like death warmed up, and with an arm around Ash as though he’s never letting her go. It’s kinda easy to understand why, after everything that’s happened.
“Hey Ash, how you feeling?” I ask as they sit down on the couch, Ash curling up against Luke, practically in his lap.
She smiles at me as though she’s starting to get a little sick of the question and I can imagine Luke’s been asking her ever since they left the hospital an hour ago, probably even earlier. “I’m okay thanks Jared, just tired now. You talk to Mia yet?”
I smile back at her. She has known far more than we’d ever let on. She’s also been the one pushing both of us to do something, to fix this thing between us. The last time we had spoken she’d told me life is short and I shouldn’t waste it. I really understand where she’s coming from now.
“Yeah we’ve talked, a lot,” I say to her.
She smiles as me and then the three of us sit in silence. The only noises are the sounds of the TV, an old ball game on low and Mia’s voice drifting out from the bedroom as she speaks on the phone. I want to say something more, to say that yes Mia and I are together again, that it’s going to be different this time. I want to talk to Luke about what happened before, about his father and all the things he tried to do. But I know now is not the time.
Eventually I turn to him and notice Ash is asleep, curled up with her head on his shoulder and her arm around his waist. Luke has both of his arms wrapped tightly around her, just watching her sleep and I don’t think two people could get any closer. It hits me then, just how close he’d really come to losing her.
“You okay?” I ask quietly, nodding toward the sleeping Ash to explain what I mean.
I watch as Luke kisses the top of her head. “Better than I was.”
“She’s gonna be alright you know, she’s a tough girl and she’s through the worst of it now.”
Luke turns to me, a look of complete devastation on his face as though he is reliving the nightmare on repeat in his head constantly. “Yeah I know, I just…” I watch as he turns back, kisses her again. “I just don’t know what I would have done if I had lost her, you know. I don’t know how I could have survived that, how I could possibly have gone on without her...” I can hear the emotion, the words choking him on their way out.
I reach out and put my hand on his shoulder. “Yeah I know Luke, but you didn’t lose her and you need to remember that. Don’t dwell on the bad shit, because it’ll eat you up, destroy you.” Luke turns to look at me again as I continue. “You remember what Mia was like after she saw you, don’t let that happen to you too.”
I watch Luke as he closes his eyes and lowers his head to rest on top of Ash’s. She’s fast asleep and doesn’t even notice him doing it, but I can see that for him, it is everything.
“I know I didn’t ever say it Jared, but I’m glad you were there for her back then, I’m glad Mia had you, I’m glad she’s always had you.” His eyes open now. “Thank you for looking after her.”
I turn away; stare up at the ceiling as I lay my head back on the couch. “It was nothing,” I eventuall
y say, knowing it was never a chore. Loving Mia was always easy; it was having her love me back that was tough.
“It wasn’t nothing dude, you know that.”
I just shrug. I don’t know what he wants me to say, there’s still so much he doesn’t understand, doesn’t know. But now is hardly the time to go into all of that.
“So, you two have sorted all your shit out right?” Luke suddenly asks.
“Yeah…” I say, but it sounds flat.
“But?” Luke asks.
I turn to face him now. “You should talk to your sister Luke, just talk to her.”
I watch as he nods at me even though I don’t think he understands half of it, before we sit in silence again. I want him to know the truth about what happened between us, but it isn’t just my story to tell. Luke needs to speak with Mia and hear her side, and as much as I want him to know, I need it to come from her. This isn’t really about me, and despite all our best intentions, it had always been about him, their father, their past, all the things she had chosen to do. So I stay silent, knowing I need to let them sort this out.
“I’m gonna take Ash to bed,” Luke suddenly says.
I nod at him, watching as he stands up with Ash in his arms and walks her into their room.
Watching them, suddenly all I want to do is be with Mia. I can still hear her voice on the phone in my room and I don’t really care if she talks all night, I just need to be with her. I push up off the couch, kill the TV and walk into my room. Mia is lying on her back in the middle of my bed, the phone to her ear. Her eyes meet mine as I walk in and shut the door and her smile tells me it’s okay. Without a word I crawl onto the bed and lay my head on her stomach, my arms wrapping around her waist as I pull her against me. I hear her say goodbye before she drops the phone on the side table. I feel her hand running through my hair and my eyes close in response.
“You okay?” she asks me.
I squeeze her tighter. “Yeah.”
Mia slides down the bed so she is face to face with me. “Is everything alright Jared?” she asks gently.
I pull her towards me, kissing her gently on the lips as I tell her, “I just…I can’t ever lose you Mia, I can’t lose you again.”
Mia’s hand gently brushes my cheek as she pulls back to look me in the eyes. “You won’t Jared, I promise. You won’t ever lose me again.”
I close my eyes, begging for it to be true.
Seven days later – Mia
When I wake up I can hear the sound of ice and sleet hitting the window, winter must finally be here. I slowly roll over so I am facing Jared, my body trapped under one of his arms, which is wound around my shoulders. He’s still asleep, barely stirring as I bury myself against his chest, my hands between us, and resting against his warm skin. I close my eyes, even though I’m not tired, as I remember last night’s conversation with his parents.
Jared knew I was a calling them and even though he wanted to be the one to tell them, I knew it was my job, my responsibility. Thankfully, they’d been incredibly understanding, although really, I don’t know why I expected them to be anything else. His family is amazing and his dad was great. He listened and while I’m not sure he believed my father’s threats could turn into anything, he acted like he did, because he’s good like that. His mom, on the other hand, was just excited that Jared and I were back together and I couldn’t help but smile at her obvious happiness and say yes when I promised we’d be back out to see them before we left for LA.
Now there was only one other person I had to speak to. And like a sign that now is the time to do that, I hear noises of someone moving about in the kitchen. Jared is lying with his arms wrapped around me and I’m certain Ash will not be allowed out of bed, probably forever, which leaves only one person.
Carefully, I slide myself out of Jared’s arms, knowing this is probably the only chance I’ll get for some time alone with my brother. Pulling on one of Jared’s t-shirts and a pair of pajama pants, I quietly open the door and walk out.
“Hey, how are you doing?” I ask as I walk into the kitchen and put an arm around his waist.
Luke shrugs as he looks down at me. “Hey sis, I’m okay.”
“Did you sleep at all?” I ask him, knowing he always had problems sleeping when he lived at home.
Luke shakes his head as he wraps an arm around my shoulders. “Not really, no.”
“When was the last time you did sleep Luke?” He looks like shit, which given everything that’s happened, is completely understandable, but it still worries me. I know he wasn’t sleeping well in the hospital either.
“December thirtieth,” he says.
I pull him into a hug, squeezing my arms around him. I wish I didn’t have to tell him all of this stuff now. I wish I didn’t have to dump even more shit on him, especially given it’s about our stupid fucking father, the person I know Luke must hate more than anyone.
“You need to rest you know,” I tell him.
I feel his laugh against me. He always laughs when I tell him what to do, ever since we were kids. He always used to tell me it wasn’t my job to look after him; it was the other way around. He was the oldest, so he looked after me. But I had to look after him, otherwise who else would.
“You do Luke, you need to rest so you can look after Ash.” Luke’s arms squeeze around my shoulders, a silent acknowledgement that he knows I’m right, even if he has no intention of doing what I’m telling him. “How is she doing?” I ask.
“Good, she’s doing good,” he says, pulling back a little and smiling at me. “So…you and Jared huh?”
I smile back at him, punch his arm as I feel my cheeks start to heat a little. “Yeah, me and Jared.”
“You guys finally get back together then?”
I feel my smile get bigger. “Yeah we did, we talked, a lot. Sorted things out,” I say, watching for his reaction. “You’re still okay with that right?”
“Of course I am, I always was,” Luke says as he pulls me in for another hug. “I’m really glad, Mia. You were always much happier with him.”
I rest my head on Luke’s shoulder, knowing he genuinely means it. As I glance at him, I see from the corner of my eye the tattoo he got done for Ash a week ago, a declaration, a promise and a future. He’s happy now, I know this. He doesn’t need me to look after him like I used to because she will do that for me. I know she really will. I wish I didn’t have to burden him with all of this other shit, especially now, but he needs to know.
“Luke,” I say, lifting my head off his shoulder and taking a step back. “I need to tell you some things.”
“Okay…”
“I’m sorry, I really wish I didn’t, especially now, after everything that’s happened,” I say, biting my bottom lip.
“It’s okay Mia, really. What is it?”
I take a deep breath. “It’s about dad.”
Luke visibly tenses when I say the last word and I can’t say I blame him. This man has caused so much heartache for both of us, Luke especially. Unfortunately, Luke doesn’t even know the half of it.
“What about him?” he says, his voice harder now, but in a way only I would notice. It’s the way he used to talk back when we were kids, the way he’d talk to him. Emotionless, cold, removed, as though he didn’t trust himself not to say something real. Five years ago, he learned the hard way not to say what he really thought, which was invariably the opposite of what dad was telling him to do.
“A year ago,” I start, wondering how the hell I’m going to get this all out. “He came to see me…in Chicago.”
“What?” Luke asks and I can tell he’s both shocked and worried. I take a step closer, put my hand on his arm. Despite everything I’ve tried to do, it has always been Luke, looking out for me, always. He is an amazing brother.
“He found out about Jared and me,” I say. “About us being together, being serious, and about me leaving Chicago to come back here.”
“What the fuck did he do, Mia,” Luke asks, his vo
ice like steel. “What did he do to you?”
I can feel the tears, I knew they would come. It feels like I’ve been crying for the last week, ever since I started this whole thing and I’m starting to get really sick of it. It’s hard to believe that only a week ago, I was sitting on the couch with Ash and she was telling me that life is too short and I should talk to Jared before I regret it and lose him forever and I was telling her that she should tell Luke how she really feels, even though I knew he already knew. Now Ash is in bed, recovering from a gun shot wound, she’s told my brother she loves him and I’ve told Jared all of the shit I carry with me because of my fucked up family and all the reasons I’ve put him through hell for the past year.
It feels like this past week has been going on for a year. And unfortunately, our biggest problem isn’t going away any time soon.
Fuck…I have to wonder whether any of this will ever get any easier. Looking at Luke, my brother, my best friend, the only one who knows what I’m going through, what I have gone through, I can’t believe I’m about to make it all worse for him.
“He came and saw me,” I say. “He knew about me and Jared, about me moving back to Boston and he came and saw me.”
“Fucking hell Mia, what did he do, did he hit you, if he fucking hit you, I will kill him…”
“Luke, no, no, no, I promise, it’s okay,” I say stepping closer and gripping his arm. “He didn’t do that, I promise.” I’m staring into my brother’s eyes. Eyes that I know we share, not just with each other, but with the man we both hate more than anything. I try not to think about that though. I don’t see my dad in my brother and I never will. Luke is nothing like him…nothing.
“Just listen okay, please,” I beg.
Luke nods, his hand scraping over his hair. I remember how weird it was for me to see it so short that first time. Our entire lives, it had always been longer than this and I remember the first time I saw him without it was a shock. Of course the bigger shock had been seeing his face and everything dad had done to it, but I remember the hair was the first thing I noticed. When he’d finally woken up and I’d seen him do this, rub his hand over it, it was like he was wondering where it had all gone too, and it had actually made me laugh at the time.