Missing From Me (Sixth Street Bands Book 3)

by Jayne Frost

  “You told me you wanted to be the reason, and you are,” I said, glancing over all my confessions. “You’re the reason for everything. I wrote all of this stuff before I ever knew Willow existed. Most of it after I left. And if you ask me ‘why,’ the answer will always be the same. Because I love you.”

  Anna refocused on the book resting in her lap. “But that wasn’t enough before. I wasn’t—”

  “You were enough, baby. It was me that was lacking.” I took her hand, looking down at the emerald ring. “Do you remember when I gave you this?” She responded with a little hum, and I laughed, the sound brittle to my ears. “I was so fucking pissed at you that day.”

  Looking up, I met the shocked expression I knew I’d find.

  Before Anna found the words to ask why, I continued, “I thought if you agreed to marry me right then and there it meant that you’d never leave.”

  She tilted her head, confused. “Leave? I was seventeen. Where was I going to go? I told you I’d marry you after—”

  “After you got out of school.” I hissed out a breath. “I know. I remember.”

  I remembered everything, but now I saw it clearly. Tipping forward, I rested my elbows on my knees, still holding her hand.

  “It took my mom almost two years to die.” Anna went still at my abrupt change in topic. Or maybe it was because this was something I’d never shared. “When she went into the hospital the last time, she packed everything up, stacked all her clothes with instructions for which charities they should go to. She sat me down and told me,” closing my eyes, I swallowed hard, “she told me it was going to happen, that she was going to die.”

  Anna tightened her grip, and I bit the inside of my cheek, a habit I picked up way back then so I wouldn’t cry.

  “Anyway,” I went on after clearing my throat, “she may have thought it was time, but nothing happened right away. She just kept getting weaker. Sleeping more. Then one afternoon she didn’t wake up. Melissa cried, but I couldn’t understand why. Because she was going to wake up. She told me before she went to sleep we’d play cards . . . after.”

  I met Anna’s gaze with a sad smile. “But there was no after. She died the next day. And even with everything I knew, everything she’d said, I was shocked.” I shrugged. “I guess that’s when it started, this feeling I’ve always had.”

  Anna rubbed small circles on my back. “What feeling?”

  “That everything could end in the blink of an eye. It’s a restless kind of thing. I felt that way with you sometimes.” All the time. I kept that to myself because there was only so much I could admit about this particular weakness. “So I figured, you know, if I held on tight enough you wouldn’t disappear.”

  “But I didn’t,” Anna said, confusion suffusing her tone. “You did.”

  Laughing softly, I shook my head. “This is going to sound like an excuse. It is an excuse. But that doesn’t mean it’s not the fucking truth. Fact is, I couldn’t deal with the separation. I had to stay or go—no in between. So I decided to go. But not before I burned everything to the ground. I thought . . . I thought I’d forget about you eventually. Like…”

  Too much. I’d said too much. And now I could feel Anna waiting for the end of the sentence I couldn’t push past my lips.

  After a long moment, she slid forward, and we were side-by-side. “Like what?”

  “Like my mom.” It took a second for me to swallow the shame and continue. “I never forgot her, I just put her memory away. But one day when I tried to retrieve it, I couldn’t see her face. It wasn’t like that with you though. I saw you everywhere. So I tried harder.”

  I didn’t give Anna the details of all the methods I’d used. She could probably guess. The fact that it was always her face I saw when I was with another woman wouldn’t provide any comfort.

  “Did it work?”

  I laughed. “Never.”

  “It didn’t work for me either.”

  I welded my back teeth together, the thought of her with someone else causing me pain in places I didn’t know had feeling. When the silence turned heavy, I gathered enough air to force out the last of my truth.

  “I love you, Annabelle. I can live without you. I’ve done it before. But please don’t make me.”

  Spent, I fell back against the cushions and waited. I was always waiting for this girl, and whatever her answer, I feared I always would. But if Anna couldn’t find a place for me in her heart, I’d stop pushing.

  “I love you, Sean,” Anna finally said, so low I had to strain to hear her. “I’ve always loved you. But I can live without you too.” The weight of her last statement hit me like a ton of bricks. I was still reeling when she eased back and sighed. “I just don’t want to.”

  The words rolled off her tongue, tentatively, and it took all my restraint not to grab her and worry about the rest later. But I didn’t want to blow up the bridge we’d just built. It was a rickety little structure, propped up by memories, some good, some bad.

  Twisting a lock of her hair around my fingertip, I ventured, “Does that mean we can negotiate the terms for my surrender?”

  She tensed. “I don’t . . .”

  Cupping her cheek, I tilted her face to mine. “My surrender. Not yours.”

  Doubt lingered in her eyes, thick clouds, seeded with every misstep on our broken road. I had more work to do if I didn’t want our bridge to crumble. Love wasn’t enough. Not then and not now. But it was a start.

  “Okay, here it is,” I began after a big breath. “First, I’d like permission to rent a house in Waco. But don’t expect me to wear green.” I wrinkled my nose. “We can negotiate on the kid’s attire if it makes you feel better, but I’m sticking with orange.” Ignoring Anna’s dumbfounded expression, I eased her onto her back. “Second, will you consider living with me at some point?” Her brows drew together, so I amended, “Part-time. I’ll do part time if that’s what you want.” Emboldened by her nod of ascent, I slipped my hand under her shirt. “Third, can I take you away for spring break? Alone. We don’t have to go far. San Antonio or Padre Island. Maybe—”

  Her mouth collided with mine, and I twined my fingers into her hair. Our tongues battled, and I ceded to her wishes, letting her take the control she’d always had. She explored me hungrily, possessively, and I tasted everything in her kiss. The good and the bad. The sweet and the bitter.

  I pulled away when my head began to spin. “I wasn’t finished.”

  Anna smiled, and it touched every part of her beautiful face. “I’ll agree to all your terms if you agree to a couple of mine.”

  “Done.”

  Her smile grew. “You don’t even know what I’m going to ask.”

  I didn’t need to hear it. But in order to maintain some dignity, I pretended to mull it over.

  “You’re right. Let’s have it.”

  “Don’t ever shut me out,” she said, her brows scrunched up as if she were asking for the moon. “Whatever it is, just talk to me. We’ll work it out or we won’t, but nothing you could ever tell me is worse than you leaving without a word.”

  Nodding, I pressed my lips together.

  I’d vowed not to bring Willow into our discussion, lest Anna think that anything I’d professed was because of our daughter. Even if Willow didn’t exist, I’d like to believe we’d have found our way back to each other. But because she did, I’d never disappear again. Not for four years or four days or four hours.

  “What else, baby?”

  I expected some monumental demand, so I was surprised when she said, “Just . . . love me.”

  Love her . . .

  I pushed off the couch with a sigh. “You need to learn a thing or two about negotiating.”

  “Is that so?”

  I toed off my boots, then pulled her against me. “Yep.”

  Somewhere between the kisses and the groping we made it to the bedroom, leaving a trail of clothing on the dusty floor. Limbs tangled, we dropped onto the old mattress.

  Bra
ced on my forearms with Anna beneath me, I looked into her eyes. “Asking me to love you is like asking me to breathe. I don’t have a choice, baby.”

  Anna rubbed her foot against my calf, and I went stone still when a soft beat echoed in my head, distant and unrecognizable.

  “Do that again.”

  She smiled a funny smile and repeated the motion. “This?”

  The beat got louder, more distinct.

  Reversing our positions, I settled her on top of me, so she straddled my waist. As I ran my hands from her knees to her hips, a chorus of strings accompanied my movement. Anna didn’t put the music in my head, but without her, I couldn’t hear it. She was the muse.

  As I plucked the little scar on her knee, a bass drum thundered in the background. I don’t know how long I spent lost in the beat, brushing my fingertips over the same swath of skin, but apparently, it was long enough for Anna to get worried.

  “What is it?” she finally asked.

  Startled out of my euphoric haze, I shook my head. “You. Just you.”

  Cupping her nape, I guided her mouth to mine for a kiss. Before our lips met, Anna slid off me with a laugh and then fished my wallet from the pocket of my jeans. Retrieving the condom from the folds, she lifted a brow.

  I shrugged. “Wishful thinking.”

  Anna climbed on top of me, and as she ripped the foil packet, I pressed my hand to her taut belly. Maybe someday she’d give me another baby. When she was ready. Right now, I had everything I needed. Anna and Willow and music. Not the kind I played in front of thousands of people. The kind that was all for her.

  The steady hum between my ears grew louder as she sank on top of me, taking every inch until there was no her and no me. Just us. Dropping her head back, she moaned, adding lyrics to her sweet song.

  “That’s it, baby.” Slipping my hand into Anna’s hair, I rocked against her. “Play for me.”

  Epilogue

  Ten Months Later

  Sean

  Cameron wrinkled his nose, as I hoisted my suitcase into the bed of the truck.

  “Where’s the Range Rover?” he asked, peering through the window without moving from his spot.

  “Anna’s got it.” I shook my head, impatient. “Dude, you asked me for a ride. Carry your ass back to the tour bus and call a cab. I’m leaving.”

  Cameron mulled it over while I scowled. And, yeah, I might have apologized. To the truck.

  Reluctantly he threw his bag into the bed next to mine.

  “What about your Porsche?” he asked as he slid onto the worn bench seat. “You’re telling me you’d rather drive this than a Turbo Carrera?” Looking around skeptically like he might pick up a flesh-eating virus, Cameron clasped his hands in his lap.

  I did prefer the Porsche for some things. I could make the drive from Austin to Waco in about an hour.

  But Willow loved the old pickup. Maybe it was the bumpy ride or her mother’s heel prints on the dash or the smell of peaches, but the kid considered it a personal affront if I drove anything else.

  “Dude, you’ve got no room to talk.” I snickered. “That piece of shit you used to drive was much worse than this.”

  Grunting, Cameron pointed the air vents at his face. “Used to is right.”

  Once the air conditioning cranked up and we were on the freeway, Cameron’s mood improved.

  “So, you’re here for the summer?” he asked. “No more trips to Waco?”

  I nodded, smiling.

  Three months of boat rides, picnics by the shore and skinny-dipping with Anna at Hippy Hollow. Or as I liked to think of it—heaven. Not that I minded Waco. I’d even gotten used to the sickening green splashed over every square inch of the little town. But it wasn’t Austin.

  A small smile lifted Cameron’s lips. “Who knows? Maybe you can convince Anna to stay.”

  I shook my head. My convincing days were over. I was lucky if I got to choose the pizza toppings at my house.

  “Nah, she’s gotta finish school.”

  At Baylor.

  A little of the old guilt crept in, but I pushed it away before it took hold.

  Lily was digging groceries out of the back of her SUV when we pulled into the gate at Cameron’s place.

  “See you, dude,” he said, his foot out the door before I’d rolled to a stop.

  Grabbing his suitcase, he headed straight for Lily, and she was off the ground before I put the truck in reverse. She managed to wave at me as he carried her toward the house.

  I pulled out my phone and then tapped a text to Anna.

  Be there in fifteen. You naked?

  Anna replied about the time I was crossing the red bridge spanning the Colorado River.

  Hardly. We’re in the meadow. See you soon. Love you.

  She loved me. Still. Always. It never got old though, hearing it. Reading it.

  I kneaded the muscles in my thigh, determined not to let the ache keep me from showing Anna how mutual the feeling was. The mini-tours Caged was doing once a month took a toll on my body. Six back-to-back performances in seven days with little rest between shows. But I wasn’t complaining.

  Anna’s eyes met mine as I coasted to a stop in the driveway. A smile curved her mouth when the chaos ensued.

  “Daaadddy!” Willow shrieked, her fiery curls bouncing like little springs as she tore across the grass.

  Betty, the little Bichon puppy that Logan had given Willow for her birthday, beat her to the fence, yapping like a maniac and scratching at the wood posts.

  I stepped inside the gate and into the fray.

  “Pick me up, Da!” Willow demanded, arms outstretched.

  Though I FaceTimed with her every single night when I was away, the small changes in Willow’s appearance from week-to-week floored me. Scared me, really. I wanted to slow the clock. Keep her small enough to scoop into my arms.

  Willow squealed when I did just that. “Daaaddy!”

  “Have you grown?” Tossing her over my shoulder, I jiggled her around. “You have grown.”

  I sauntered toward the sexy redhead on the swing, prisms of light dancing from the stone around her neck. Anna had refused to wear anything but the emerald to mark our engagement so the two-karat diamond was now a pendant. Willow slid off my back as I crouched to kiss her mother.

  “You taste good,” I said, rising to my feet before my sore knees locked. “How was the drive?”

  “Good.” Anna smiled. “Long.”

  “Look, Da!”

  My attention snapped to Willow as she gripped the rope on the smaller, identical swing on the other side of the tree.

  Anna grabbed my arm. “Let her go, babe. She just wants to show you.”

  I waited until Willow righted herself on the seat before following Anna to the blanket. Dropping onto my ass, I kept one eye on my daughter. “Not too high, Willow-baby.”

  Anna squeezed my hand, shifting her focus to the pit of soft sand beneath Willow’s swing. “She’s fine. You brought the whole shore up here. There’s enough dirt to cushion the fall.”

  Willow’s halo of auburn curls whipped her face as she climbed to dizzying heights. Dizzying for me, at least.

  “If she has to fall,” I said, squinting at my little girl through the dwindling sunlight. “I want her to have a soft place to land.”

  Anna straddled my lap, blocking my view. “You didn’t put any dirt under my swing.” She wiggled her hips. “Does that mean I don’t need a soft place to land?”

  Molding my hand to the curve of her waist, I held her in place. “I’d rather give you a hard place to land.”

  “Promises, promises.” Anna rolled off me and reclined on her elbows, her face tilted toward the sun. “Did Logan have any luck?”

  Picking a few blades from the lush carpet of St. Augustine grass, I blew out a breath. “Nope.”

  Her eyes bored into the side of my head. “How’s he taking it?”

  I shrugged. “You know Logan, he says it’s all good. But he got drunk as fuck last nig
ht and had a threesome in his hotel room if that tells you anything.”

  Six months ago, I would’ve left that detail out. But I’d slowly come to realize that once we were back on solid ground, Anna didn’t worry about other women.

  “I don’t know if that has anything to do with Laurel,” she said. “That sounds like a typical Saturday in Logan Land.”

  The women, yes. But not the booze. Whenever the private investigator unearthed a new lead about his sister, Logan set up a gig in a nearby city so he could check it out. Every dead end left him worse for wear.

  Shaking off the morose mood, I tucked Anna to my side. “Anything on your finals?”

  “I haven’t checked.”

  I looked down my nose at her. The girl was a fanatic about checking her grades. She used to do it religiously when . . .

  When it mattered. When she was at UT.

  Anna fingered the pink bracelet on my left wrist, a smile curving her lips.

  “Don’t be making fun of my bracelet, woman,” I warned. “I get enough grief from the guys.”

  Any father worth his salt would tell you—your baby girl makes you a pastel bracelet, you wear the fucking thing with pride. Even if you got teased about it. Relentlessly.

  As the sun dipped below the tree line, Anna hiked her skirt up to soak up the final rays. “I wasn’t smiling about that. I got some news today.”

  Tearing my gaze from her bronze thighs when Willow plopped into my lap, I asked, “What news?”

  My daughter snatched the official-looking envelope Anna offered.

  “Give me that, squirt.”

  My smile faded as I glanced at the UT Law seal on the front.

  I met Anna’s gaze, and she nodded, eager. “Read it.”

  As I unfolded the thick parchment, my heart leapt into my throat.

  Dear Ms. Dresden:

  We are pleased to inform you that your application for admittance to the University of Texas School of Law has been approved.

  I blinked, rereading the letter. Twice. “How . . . ?”

  Anna’s cheeks flamed as she sucked her lip between her teeth. “Chase talked to some big wigs on the alumni board and got them to review my transcripts and LSAT scores.” She frowned. “But I met all the requirements, so I didn’t take anybody’s spot or anything.”