After All This Time

by Nikita Singh

  It felt as if he was living a dream. His dream, from years ago.

  Then why was Deepti occupying a space in this dream? Was his subconscious trying to tell him something?

  This was Lavanya. She was the best person he knew. And she deserved more than this. She deserved undivided love from the person she gave her love to. Shourya knew he could not be true to her till he figured things out with Deepti. He had been telling himself for months that he did not love her any more, that it was only what she’d done—the cheating, the lying, the betraying—that he could not get over. But what if it was not true? What if there was something more that he was missing?

  Maybe he was panicking more than he needed to, but this was Lavanya. He could not do anything that would hurt her. If he rushed into something that he couldn’t handle and she got hurt in the process . . . he could not have that. He had assumed the responsibility of taking care of her ten years ago. He could not be the one to hurt her. He had to leave. He had to figure things out, find a way out of his mess. Escaping from his life and finding refuge outside of it was not the solution—it was only a way to clear his head. He could not go on like that forever. He knew he had to return some day. But unless he sorted out things, he could not let Lavanya invest her feelings in him.

  He looked for flights back to Delhi and booked the one that left the earliest. He also called the airline he scheduled to fly back to the US on and requested a flight on an earlier date. Sneaking away behind her back and leaving her there was an awful thing to do, but he saw no other way out of this. It was better to hurt her a little now than a lot later.

  He put on another shirt—Lavanya was wearing the one he had on that morning—and collected his things from around the room. He stuffed everything in his overnighter. Before leaving, he went to Lavanya’s room and left a note under the door. He could have just texted her, but a handwritten note felt like the lesser of two evils.

  He did not want to leave. It was only because he cared about her more than he cared about himself that he was doing this. It was the only way he could ensure that he was not pulling her into something they weren’t ready for . . . even though it felt like he had been waiting for it to happen all his life. Everything with Lavanya had happened too fast. She was not equipped to take care of herself; she had never been, so he had to look after her. Now he had to decide if he was good enough for his best friend.

  18

  Lavanya was woken up by the sound of a door closing. It was dark; she did not where she was or what she was doing there. Then it came to her, slowly. Yesterday . . . He loved her . . . The memories brought a smile to her face. She could smell him, but when she reached out to the other side of the bed, it was cold and empty.

  Her fingers searched for the bedside lamp. When the soft yellow glow spread through the room, a chill ran over her skin. The empty room did not just feel empty; it felt deserted. She knew instantly that something was not right.

  Lavanya pushed the covers aside and jumped out of the bed. Her feet landed on the clothes she had discarded on the carpeted floor in the morning. She was still wearing Shourya’s white shirt. Maybe that was why she could still smell him. As she pulled open the door, she found a piece of paper lying under it, one side jagged, indicating that it had been taken out of a spiral bound notepad.

  And just like that, she knew.

  Her knees buckled, and she slumped to the floor, her back propped against the wall. She stared at the note, signed S. She did not have to read it to know that he was gone.

  Lavanya did not take the flight back to Delhi right away. She stayed in Goa for three more days, walking barefoot on the beaches in Arambol village. She was there when the sun rose, she was there when it was at its peak, its heat burning her skin, and she was there when it set, making way for the cool evening breeze. She saw women in bikinis sunbathing, kids running around in cute little swimsuits, chasing each other and building castles in the sand. There were grand parties happening on New Year’s Eve in the clubs lining the beach. Lavanya sat on the sand and looked on, hearing only the shrieks of people in the distance who were clearly intoxicated.

  All that time, she only wondered one thing—where could she run to from here?

  That was the one thing she knew how to do. But she could find no place to run to this time. She had already left behind her life at New York and come to Delhi. Once there, she had avoided dealing with her parents by spending all her time with Shourya, and when he was not there, with Toughy. Then she had escaped all the way to Goa. But now that Shourya had left her, she was faced with hours and days alone, when she had nothing to do but think—about him, about her parents, about her disease. She reached the conclusion that she could no longer keep her secret to herself. Her mind made up, she marshalled whatever strength she could and took a flight back to Delhi. She found herself at the doorstep of her family home, a few hours later. She knocked on the door, before remembering she had a key.

  Lavanya set down her small duffel bag on the porch and rummaged through her handbag for the keys. She found it strange that the porch lights hadn’t been turned on. It was almost 11 p.m., and their neighbourhood was the kind that became quiet shortly after the sun set. The first week of January tended to be the coldest of the year, so Lavanya was not surprised to find her fingers frozen. From the silence that enveloped the house, she assumed her parents were asleep and tried not to make any noise as she turned the key in the lock. Pushing the door open softly, she carried her bag inside and had just placed it on the floor when she heard Toughy’s excited bark. She turned around to see the puppy tottering to her, his lack of one leg not slowing him down in the least.

  Lavanya dropped to her knees and welcomed Toughy into her arms. He felt small and warm and soft against her chest. The way he eagerly licked her face and his whole rear-end shook from his furious tail-wagging, made her eyes fill with tears. The feeling of being so loved and cherished tugged at her heart.

  Shourya had told her that he loved her, then why had he left her? Lavanya stroked Toughy’s smooth dark fur, as he looked up at her with his beautiful, black eyes. The upstairs light turned on, and in the next moment, Lavanya saw her mother descend the stairs.

  ‘Lavi?’ she said, her voice unsure.

  ‘Yeah, Mom.’ Two words, and already her tears were spilling over. She did not try to stop them. ‘Mumma.’

  ‘What—?’

  Years of pent-up emotion welling up inside, Lavanya walked towards her mother, who was stumbling about in the dark, clearly sleepy. Her mother looked startled at first, and even more so when Lavanya reached for her hands and held them tightly between hers. Big fat tears were rolling down her cheeks, but thankfully, her body didn’t give her away.

  ‘Lavi? What is wrong?’ her mother asked. She was wearing a long dark-brown nightgown, with flowers all over. In the darkness, Lavanya could see only one side of her face clearly. ‘Are you okay?’

  ‘No . . .’ Lavanya said. ‘I am not okay, Mumma . . . I am tired of pretending I am fine . . . I can’t any more . . .’ Lavanya broke down. She hadn’t called her mother Mumma since she was a little kid. At that moment, in the dark, defeated, she felt like a child again, needing her Mumma to protect her and tell her that everything would be okay.

  Her mother looked confused at first, but as the remnants of sleep left her, her eyes became sharp and piercing.

  ‘Lavi . . .’

  Lavanya pulled her mother to the living room and made her sit on the oversized green couch. She clasped her weathered hands in her own, and said, ‘I don’t know how to tell you . . . I don’t think I should. But, it’s wrong . . . you not knowing . . .’

  ‘What are you talking about?’ Lavanya felt her mother’s grip on her hand loosen. She could see her eyes narrow and her lips tighten into a thin line.

  ‘Mom,’ Lavanya bowed her head.

  She did not know how to begin. She could not tell her mother about the affair that her husband had had years ago. Lavanya had never forgiven her father
for it, and she had still not moved on. And in the process of getting her father out of her life, she had also left her mother behind. What right did she have now to come back years later and turn her mother’s life upside down? What good would that do?

  She was home now, but she didn’t know for how long. Her disease would eventually kill her, and she would leave her mother behind, once again. Only this time, with nothing, not even her husband.

  This was not the time for that. If she wanted her mother to know, she should have said something years ago. Now, it would only wreck her, her family, her life.

  ‘I know.’

  Lavanya barely heard her mother’s whisper. ‘What?’ she gasped.

  ‘I know about the affair . . . your father’s . . . I have known for a long time,’ her mother said, looking straight ahead, her voice calm and composed.

  ‘You knew? How . . . when?’

  ‘Your father and I were in a bad place for most parts of that year. It was difficult, complicated. And then when this . . . this thing happened, I knew something was wrong. I didn’t know what at the time but I suspected something was going on,’ she exhaled loudly, as if trying to gather the strength to continue. ‘You suddenly started acting strange, and I got distracted with that. I thought it was something related to boys, or drugs even. But Shourya was there, and he always looked after you—that reassured me somewhat. You and your father . . . it was like one day you woke up and decided to pretend he did not exist. Just like that. You would not talk to him, you would not look at me . . . you did not even want to be in the same room as him. Nobody told me what was going on, and soon, it was time for you to go, and that . . . It was hard . . .’

  Lavanya gulped. She was not crying any more. For the first time, she was seeing her mother’s side of things. She had had no idea.

  Her mother went on, ‘All my energies went into trying to act like everything was okay. It was a wonderful thing, you getting accepted to Harvard, your dream . . . but it was hard for me. It did not feel like you were going abroad to study, it felt like you were . . . leaving. And then, the day came, and you left, and what I feared the most happened. We heard from you less and less each week, and you grew distant with every conversation.’

  Lavanya saw her cringe. Her face looked smaller, more tired and pained, as she said, ‘It felt like we had lost you, our only daughter. That’s when your father told me . . . a few weeks after you left. It was difficult. Even now, when I think of those months . . . those were the hardest days of my life. The darkest. I did not think life would ever be normal again, that I would be okay again. But he was there, every day, trying to make it better. He apologized to me, he told me everything—that the affair had lasted a week, and that you’d found out about it. I never thought I would be able to forgive him. But you know what? What we had was bigger than that. He was my husband, we had been together for twenty years, and I could not throw it all away because of one mistake. A mistake he confessed to making, and tried to make up for . . . still does, every single day since . . .’

  ‘Mom, he cheated on you. How could you—?’ Lavanya could not make sense of what her mother was saying.

  ‘Nobody is perfect, Lavi. We have all made mistakes. It’s what we decide to do about them that matters. I cannot let one mistake define our relationship. It was difficult to forgive him, I won’t deny that . . . it was a long journey but we took it together.’

  ‘If you knew . . . When you found out and all this was happening, why didn’t you tell me?’

  ‘You had already left. And I suppose I needed time to process things. When your father and I were finally in a better place, I wanted to talk to you. I came very close to calling you several times, but just because I could find it in my heart to forgive him, it didn’t mean that I could ask the same of you. And I thought it would do us all some good to bury it in the past. I hoped that time would resolve the discord between you and your father, that when you came back during holidays, things would be . . . different.’

  ‘But I never came home—’ Lavanya exhaled.

  ‘I do not blame you for anything, Lavi. What he did is not something that should be acceptable behaviour. I probably do not have a say in what you decide to do. But . . . it’s been seven years, beta. He is a good man. He has done everything he can for our family. I know you want to hate him, maybe that is easier for you than resolving this, but he loves you. He cares about you, and . . . I know it kills him that he is dead to his own daughter.’

  At a loss for words, Lavanya looked at Toughy. He was lying on the floor between her feet, nuzzling her toes every now and then as if to offer strength and support, as if he could sense what she was going through. She could feel her mother’s eyes on her, but she was too ashamed to look up her. She bent down instead and scratched Toughy’s belly, which he took as an invitation to crawl on to her lap and curl up.

  She had left home when her family was going through its biggest crisis. She wished her mother would say something. The silence was killing her.

  They sat quietly for a long time, absorbing everything, before her mother said softly, ‘I know he still has not forgiven himself. He can’t. Not until you forgive him.’

  Lavanya nodded slowly and looked her mother straight in the eye. ‘Can you call him, Mom?’

  Her mother’s face relaxed, and a single teardrop escaped the corner of one eye.

  Lavanya gulped. ‘I have to tell you both something.’

  Shourya got into his car and put on his sunglasses. It was a sunny morning, but it was windy outside. The bright blue sky was just an illusion; he could see clouds approaching with the wind. The forecast said there was a thirty per cent chance of precipitation. Shourya thought it would rain before lunch.

  He missed Lavanya. No matter how hard he tried to distract himself, he ended up thinking about her and the time they had spent together the past month. So far, the New Year had sucked. It had kicked off with the eighteen-hour journey from New Delhi to San Francisco, which had left him terribly jet lagged. When he reached the apartment, only Avik was home; Deepti was missing. Shourya hadn’t thought much of it, till the next day, when as soon as he stepped out of his bedroom, Avik accused him of stealing his girlfriend. Shourya found it so outrageous, he burst out laughing. Avik did not seem to appreciate it, and showered him with abuses. It only made Shourya laugh harder. It was quite hilarious, the whole situation, now that Shourya had had time away from it to think about it. It turned out that Deepti and Avik were ‘taking a break’, and she had moved in with one of her girlfriends in the meantime. These people were crazy. The encounter with Avik had only strengthened his resolve to find and move into a place of his own as soon as possible. Unfortunately, he soon realized, it wasn’t that easy. It took him the better part of three days and several house viewings to find an apartment that he liked and put a deposit on it. Sadly, the place would not be available for two weeks, which meant he had to share the apartment with Avik.

  Rather than focus on that, he concentrated his energies on getting himself transferred to Boston, which would take him closer to Lavanya. If everything worked out well, he knew Lavanya would want him close enough to drive over on weekends.

  When she heard he was back, Deepti called Shourya and said she wanted to meet him. He was not so sure about being sucked into that madness again, but she insisted. Thinking it could be the only way to find out where they stood, Shourya had agreed to meet her.

  That’s where he was headed that morning. They were meeting in an outdoor restaurant called Jupiter, a brewpub they used to frequent on special occasions when they were dating. He had taken her there once on her birthday, and they had celebrated one of their anniversaries there—the last one.

  As he parked his car and got out, he realized he was more excited at the prospect of the wood-fired pizzas than meeting Deepti. God! He missed Lavanya.

  He had made a pact with himself to not call Lavanya till he had figured everything out and was absolutely sure. Through all the madness of ho
use-hunting and the drama with Avik, he had just about managed not to give in to temptation and call Lavanya. But he was getting more and more assured with every minute. This was the final test—meeting Deepti.

  As he walked towards the restaurant, he could see her sitting inside. She got up when she saw him, and came forward to hug him when he got closer. Her hair smelled like it always had, of grapefruit and ginger, but unlike before, he found the smell too sweet this time.

  ‘How have you been?’ she asked, clutching his arm. She was looking up at him with her cat eyes, lined thickly with deep brown eyeliner, pulled at the ends to make her look even more catty. She was wearing a blue dress that they had shopped for together. He had been desperate to go home, but she had coaxed him into visiting another store—the last one, she promised—where she wanted to try on one more dress. His heart had skipped a beat and he had fallen a little more in love with her when she had come out of the trial room wearing the blue dress. Now, however, when he saw her in it, he felt absolutely nothing. Not even nostalgia.

  He had his answer. They hadn’t even spoken yet, but he was already sure that he had no romantic feelings left for Deepti. The memories of the time they had spent together, the ones that haunted him for the better part of a year, now felt distant.

  ‘Hey, Deepti,’ he said.

  ‘Why are you smiling?’ she asked, smiling nervously herself.

  He shrugged his shoulders. ‘I have no idea. I’m just . . . happy, I guess.’

  ‘Yeah? About meeting me?’

  She was looking at him apprehensively. He did not want to break her heart. Before it had ended badly, their relationship had been mostly good. For several years, she had been the person closest to him, the person he loved and cared about the most. Maybe it had all been a lie, but a part of him was oddly thankful to her for cheating on him, for breaking his heart and chucking their relationship into the drain. Had that not happened, he would never have found his way back to Lavanya.