by David Rees
“Welcome to Fresh Air, I’m Terri Gross … Umm, err, that’s so interesting … I love your new book about worms … this is NPR …” (Terri Gross)
“To be or not to be, that’s a good question … ’tis better to live or die, who knows … my dad’s a ghost, ghostbusters, I’m gonna kill everyone … I’m the king of Denmark …” (Hamlet)
“We love kissing and shopping … let’s drink a martini in our shoes … hey girlfriend, did you kiss a cute guy last night?” (The Sex & The City Girls)
“Hallo, how are youghhh … I am frahm Frahnce … merci for talking to me … have you ever been to Paris, it’s one of our towns …” (The President of France)
“I starred in ‘Pretty Woman,’ the movie about the charming whore who loves to fuck and suck … what famous American actress am I? Yes that’s right, I’m Julia Roberts … here’s my million-dollar tooth …” (Julia Roberts)
“Hey, everybody, how’s everybody doing, it’s me: Rosie.” (Rosie O’Donnell)
“Capitalism ist evil … yah, yah, means of production … kill all zee rich people … communism ist zo great … efferybody, it’s me, Karl Marx … give me a bunch of free money …” (Karl Marx)
“Little Kaylene McDaniels has been missing for two weeks, where is the DA’s office on this case? I think she’s been murdered, don’t you? The witnesses said they saw a BLUE CAR outside Kaylene’s school; why don’t they arrest Tony the repairman—everybody knows he drives a blue car! … I don’t want to think about that little girl getting stabbed and murdered and chopped up into pieces and raped in the woods, yet I can’t stop thinking about it! It’s an OUTRAGE—I can’t even control my own mind … who can help me control my mind … hey everybody, it’s me, NANCY GRACE!!!” (Nancy Grace)
“Hallo, I’ll be back, the Terminator … look at my muscles … my big cigars … I can be governor … I can pick up a barbell … yay for me, I’m a movie star … heil Hitler …” (Albert Schwarzenegger)
“I’m taking off my shoes … now I’m taking off my socks … now I’m putting on my slippers … now I’m putting on my indoor socks … now I’m taking off my outdoor sweater … now I’m putting on my indoor sweater … now I’m folding my outdoor sweater …” (Mr. Rogers)
“Harrumph … blood, sweat, and tears … we shall fight them on the beaches, in the air, underground, and on top of our mountains … World War II, harrumph … long live the Queen …” (Winston Churchill)
(Robot voice) “What is your search term … feeling lucky?… here are the results … thank you for clicking my computer button … I can see you in your underwear.” (Google.com)
“West Side Story Man” / “Johnny Cash” / “Computer Hacker”
“Satchel Paige” / “Joe Montana”
“Regular Mustard” / “Honey Mustard”
Try this simple exercise: Listen to a recording of your favorite celebrity talking. Pick those trigger phrases you want to master and write them out phonetically, paying close attention to the unique qualities of the celebrity’s vocal patterns. The next time you’re doing CIPS for an audience, instead of trying to remember how the celebrity’s voice sounded on the recording, simply recite the phonetic spelling of the phrases. Your audience will be spellbound.
Some examples of phonetic transcription should make this technique easier to understand:
PHONETIC IMPRESSION: ROBERT DE NIRO
Our first specimen is required in any celebrity impersonator’s portfolio: Robert De Niro in “Taxi Driver.” One of that film’s unforgettable moments is the infamous “mirror scene,” in which De Niro’s character (“Taxi-Driver Joe”) yells at his reflection while admiring his new clothes.
He delivers the immortal lines:
“You talkin’ to me?”
(Yoo TAL-kin’ tuh MEH-uhr?)
Then he says, “Who are you talkin’ to? Hmm?”
(Hoo-UR are yah tel-KIN’ tyoo? Hrrmgh?”)
“I don’t see nobody else!”
(Ah DUHN’T seh no-BAWDY ulse-UHR! Hggmm.)
Finally, the scene ends with DeNiro’s character saying:
“I’ll see you soon in my magic mirror.” (Ah’ll see YUH soon-eh in muh MAHR-jick Mirmmm-ROWR-uhr. Hggmmrrr.)
PHONETIC IMPRESSION: SEAN CONNERY
Whether playing James Bond or one of his many lesser roles, Sean Connery always speaks with authority, thanks in part to his absurd Scottish accent. A strong Sean Connery is a must for any impressionist.
From “James Bond: You Never Live Twice”:
“The name is James—James Bond.”
(Th’ NAME ish JAY-mesh—Jay-mesh BONED.)
“May I please have another martini?”
(Mee-YUH I pleesh HOVE a-NEUTER moir-TEY-neh?)
From “The Untouchables”:
“If they pull a knife, you pull a gun!”
(IF-uh thoy puh-OOL eh knife-UH, you puh-OOL a GUN-uh! Hggmr.)
“That’s Chicago for ya.”
(THOUGHTS chir-CAR-goo FAHR yeh.)
From “The Hunt For Red October”:
“Let’s go for a ride in my submarine.”
(LOTS-huh goo FAIR uh RYE-duh in moy SHOB-moy-REIGHN-uh.)
I trust the reader will find everything he or she needs to know about mastering celebrity impressions in the preceding pages, and will find pleasure and financial reward by incorporating CIPS into his or her public pencil-sharpening practice.
“Tom Cruise, ‘Risky Business’ ” / “Forrest Gump” / “Runaway sex maniac” / “Honey Mustard”
1 On the day I finally perfected this system, I got so excited I started splashing my arms and legs in the bathtub, displacing enormous amounts of water.
CHAPTER 18:
HOW TO SHARPEN A PENCIL WITH YOUR MIND
EQUIPMENT CHECKLIST:
• Candlestick
• String
• Hair clippings
• Pencil
ALTHOUGH THIS BOOK HAS FOCUSED ON traditional pencil sharpening tools and techniques, there are additional pencil-pointing strategies available to the advanced practitioner.
Readers are encouraged to explore the use of these other technologies once they have mastered the ones covered in this text. The chisel, wood planer, CNC lathe, broken wine glass, and dog’s mouth each offer unique satisfactions and outcomes when applied to a pencil.
There is another advanced technique, however, that begs for inclusion herein, only because it represents the most esoteric and demanding tradition of “putting point” to a pencil. Mastery of this technique will confirm one’s status as an elite member of the pencil-sharpening fellowship.
It is the technique of sharpening a pencil with your mind.
STEP ONE: PREPARING YOUR INSTRUMENT
I trust this book has made it clear that keeping your pencil-sharpening instruments in fine working condition is crucial to the success of any given technique. In this case, the sharpening instrument is your mind, and as such must be treated to the same close attention and maintenance as that demanded by the pocketknife or the double-burr cylinder mechanism.
How well you do know your own mind? This is, no doubt, a sobering question. Yet it must be answered before proceeding. The utility of any tool is defined, in part, by consistency in deployment and predictability of outcome—the absence of unforeseen surprises once it is in use. A pencil sharpener whose blade engages erratically is no asset and should be culled from your tool kit. So, too, is a mind whose unseen contours hide jarring or potentially compromising impulses, memories, panics, prejudices, weaknesses, and the like.
Therefore we begin by applying the magnifying lenses, whetstones, and cleaning rags of our mechanical practice to our mental interiors—the better to identify, re-shape, and polish any imperfections that could keep a pencil from achieving its ideal point via this technique.
Ask yourself these questions: How often are you surprised by unbidden thoughts of a nefarious or unproductive nature? Are you able to monitor and regulate your emotional and intellec
tual impulses? Can you will away familiar phobias? What about unfamiliar phobias? How far into your past can you remember, and with what clarity? How far into your future can you imagine, and with what confidence?
And most important, these two questions:
1. When you picture an object much smaller than yourself, how much detail can you pick out, and with what accuracy? What about at the microscopic level? The molecular?
2. How strong is your will?
You should have definitive responses to these questions. If the workings of your mind remain as hidden and inaccessible as those of an electric pencil sharpener, there’s no use in proceeding. Instead, you should endeavor to strip away your mind’s opacity. Investing in a few years of close study and meditation will reward you with a deeper understanding of this, the most important tool in your sharpening arsenal.
You’ll know when you’re ready.
STEP TWO: SCHEDULING THE PROCEDURE
As this pencil-sharpening technique involves more preparation than most, you should pick your “day of appointment” well in advance.
You will need a room with natural light and plenty of circulation. The room should be absolutely dry; run a dehumidifier a few days ahead of time to be sure.
You should give up caffeine for 48 hours before the sharpening event. Heavy or fatty foods should also be avoided, as should music with heavy bass frequencies and the handling of coins. Reading, speaking, or thinking in a language other than your mother tongue could also limit the technique’s efficacy.1
If at all possible, avoid contact with people older than you for one week prior to the event.
If you have moles, hide them with bandages before entering the room where the sharpening will take place.
Cover the room’s electrical outlets before proceeding.
STEP THREE: PREPARING THE PENCIL
All sharpening techniques require that the pencil be secured against sudden or erratic movement so as to minimize irregularities in the point. This technique is no different. Although no physical blades are involved, it is imperative that your pencil remains completely still throughout the process.
Place the pencil upright in a candlestick. If the candlestick is wider than the pencil, you can wrap masking tape around the eraser to ensure a snug fit.
This process, known as “candlesticking,” is akin to setting a jewel—although our jewel has yet to assume its final form.
You should use a candlestick that has emotional significance for you. (I use a family candlestick that reminds me of my parents’ unknowable youth as well as the end of an important relationship.) If you don’t have access to an emotionally significant candlestick, buy a candlestick and do something emotionally significant with it. It doesn’t matter if the emotion conjured by the experience is shame or pride, frustration or contentment, lust or dread, as long as it’s highly charged and difficult to put out of your mind.
You shouldn’t be able to look at the candlestick without feeling a swell of emotion.
STEP FOUR: “A GESTURE TOWARDS ST. JEROME AND ACHARYA HEMACHRANDRA”
Religious history boasts a proud tradition of asceticism and the body’s physical destruction in the service of spiritual perfection. In a college course on world religions, I was struck by the story of Bodhidharma, the founder of Zen Buddhism and “Blue-Eyed Barbarian” who is said to have meditated until his arms and legs fell off. My own upbringing in the Episcopal church taught me to associate liturgy and prayer with a Jazzercise-like program of squatting, rising, kneeling and sitting on hardwood pews designed to focus the mind by numbing the lower extremities.
Although sharpening a pencil with one’s mind is not religious per se, it does involve the exercise of metaphysical techniques that have some parallel to spiritual practice. As such, it should come as no surprise that it requires at least a gesture of self-laceration; a nod to our flagellant forebears.
Use a sharp pair of scissors to cut a few locks of your hair. You don’t need much.2 It’s important that a casual observer be unable to notice any difference in your appearance.
STEP FIVE: PLACING YOUR HAIR AROUND THE CANDLESTICK
Place your hair around the candlestick, a process known as “candlehairsticking.”
You have literally “locked” in your target: The pencil is now surrounded by your body’s detritus, which serves as a biological analogy to pencil shavings and a foreshadowing of your own mortality.3
(Every traditional pencil-sharpening technique produces physical waste as the pencil point is formed. This technique is unique in that no physical waste exists at any point—the process of candlehairsticking is needed to satisfy the law of Conservation of Mass as established by Antoine Lavoisier.)
STEP SIX: ESTABLISHING THE CONDUIT
Although this process is based on mental and supra-mental abilities, its success requires a physical connection between your body and that of the pencil. It’s best that this connection is indirect, as direct physical contact with the pencil and/or candlestick could become noticeably painful when you least expect it, leading to shock and the project’s sudden abandonment.
This point should be emphasized: Do not abandon this project once you have undertaken it. The moment you cut locks from your hair in the room is the moment you have set yourself down a path that cannot be foreshortened or diverted.
Tie a piece of string around the shaft of the pencil. The string should bind the pencil about one-third of the way down, establishing a target for your concentration.
You will notice that the string marks a line well below that of a traditional collar-bottom. That is because this process does not produce a traditional collar-bottom.
STEP SEVEN: TAKING THE STRING IN YOUR MOUTH
Place the free end of the string in your mouth so it rests comfortably on top of your tongue. Keep your mouth closed throughout the process. Breathe through your nose.
It is time to begin the sharpening process.
Your first task is to slowly un-know the candlestick in front of you. This will be difficult given its emotional significance, but you mustn’t be discouraged.
Once you are completely alienated from the object holding the pencil in position, turn your mind to the following Four Reflections:
1. FIRST REFLECTION: Reflect upon the shepherd who stumbled upon the natural phenomenon that gave birth to the modern pencil: the massive graphite deposit in Borrowdale parish, England, discovered in the early to mid-16th century. Cast your mind back to accompany that humble and long-forgotten man as he first ran his fingers over the extraordinary substance—still the strongest and purest graphite ever found, occurring as “large masses within mineralized pipe-like bodies, in late graphite–chlorite veins, and disseminated through the volcanic host rocks,” and boasting “the greatest variety of crystalline graphite morphologies recognized to date from a single deposit.”4 You are with the shepherd now, present at the wellspring of the modern pencil, the lodestar of this final practice.
2. SECOND REFLECTION: Reflect, for the first time, on a property of the hexagonal pencil not yet addressed in this book: the impossibility of a perfectly straight collar-bottom. The boundary where the straight sides of the hexagonal pencil shaft bend into the edgeless curve of the conical point is always marked by scalloping. Reflect upon the formula for calculating the area of a cone.5
3. THIRD REFLECTION: Reflect on the pencil before you with increased depth, until you can navigate within the molecular structure of graphite.
4. FOURTH REFLECTION: Imagine a candle that darkens the room in which it burns.
STEP EIGHT: “WHEREOF ONE CANNOT SPEAK, THEREOF ONE MUST BE SILENT”
After a few hours of quiet reflection, it will become clear that the time for engaging the sharpening mechanism has arrived. The Four Reflections will converge, and the light refracted thereby will change within you—from a muddy warmth to a stainless, blazing beam. You will feel a burning. You may notice that the string in your mouth has begun to taste of graphite and cedar; t
hat the room you’re standing in feels smaller than your body. You will hear something that will help you understand, finally, why the electrical outlets had to be covered. You will panic. Relax.
Putting aside conscious thought, allow your mind to be flooded with patience, contentment, and boundless faith in the dawn-dappled glories of your new ability.
Wait.
Wait.
Relax.
Wait with an open heart.
Wait.
Your eyes are closed.
Open them.
1 People raised in bilingual homes may have trouble with this technique; they are encouraged to explore other options.
2 You won’t need more than could fit comfortably in a shavings bag.
3 The foreshadowing is more pronounced if, like me, you have grey hair.
4 Barrenechea, J. F., F. J. Luque, D. Millward, L. Ortega, O. Beyssac and M. Rodas. “Graphite morphologies from the Borrowdale deposit (NW England, UK): Raman and SIMS data.” Contributions to Mineralogy and Petrology 158.1 (2009): 37–51.
5 ⅓ r2h
AFTERWORD
The inspiration for this little book is a shipfitters manual I found at a second-hand shop many years ago. The 1940 volume was a guide for men learning the craft of steel ship assembly and repair.
That book begins with a passage from Longfellow’s “The Building of the Ship,” a poem written from the perspective of a vessel under construction. I’ve come to appreciate it as a declaration of hope as well as a celebration of craftsmanship.
This book ends with it.
BUILD ME STRAIGHT, O WORTHY MASTER STANCH AND STRONG, A GOODLY VESSEL, THAT SHALL LAUGH AT ALL DISASTER AND WITH WAVE AND WHIRLWIND WRESTLE.