Dare to Rock

by Carly Phillips

  “What did Tyler mean, asking if you had a panic attack getting past the photographers?”

  She swallowed hard. She’d never admitted the truth to him back in high school because she’d been mortified by her weakness. She tried to pretend the problem didn’t exist, and if she took daily medication and life stayed on a fairly even keel, it didn’t. She’d tried going off the medication once before only to have intermittent attacks occur and a low level of anxiety exist as her constant friend. Hence she’d gone back on daily maintenance medication.

  She’d gotten past the embarrassment and stigma of having a generalized anxiety disorder … except now she was faced with telling Grey. A man who got up on stage in front of hundreds of thousands and had no such issues. She didn’t know if he understood them … or wanted to.

  He ran his hand over her back. “You can tell me anything.”

  “Can I?” she asked, the thoughtless words coming out.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” he asked, hurt in his voice and in his stricken expression.

  She sighed. “I’m sorry. It’s just …”

  Grey shook his head. “No apologies necessary. I want you to talk to me, so start at the beginning. When did you have your first panic attack?”

  Avery nodded. “When I left the hospital after the bone marrow donation.”

  As Grey listened, she explained how the reporters had been lying in wait to question her and her mother when she’d walked out of the building.

  “It was awful. Like today except worse because I was just nine. They surrounded us like a pack of jackals and asked my mother the most embarrassing questions.”

  Having been on the receiving end of such questions, Grey could imagine.

  “My mother held me tight against her and tried to lead me to the car, but they were so close. The bright lights, the shouting. I tried to keep it together but … I passed out.” Even now, her cheeks flushed, and it killed Grey to think she was embarrassed to tell him.

  “They’re uncaring animals. Even children aren’t off-limits. I hate that you went through that.” He continued stroking her back, hoping he could both soothe her and keep her talking. “What happened after that?”

  “I came to in an ER cubicle. My mom was frantic. It was almost a relief when they said it was a panic attack and nothing more serious.”

  He was afraid to ask but figured he might as well get all the ugly out at once. “And your dad? Where was he in all this?”

  She froze in his arms. “With his sick daughter, Sienna, and her mother.”

  Grey hated Robert Dare as much if not more than he hated his own father. “Aww, baby. You’re lucky you had your mom.”

  “I know. She was—is—amazing. She could have brushed it off as a one-time incident, but she didn’t. Between the bone marrow and the passing out, she was worried about me. At the pediatrician’s suggestion, she took me to a child psychologist, and they worked with me on calming exercises.”

  “Did they help?”

  “Not so much.”

  He figured. Because Tyler wouldn’t have mentioned them earlier if they hadn’t happened again.

  Grey tangled his hands in her hair and nuzzled her neck, inhaling her scent, finding comfort as much as he hoped he was instilling some in her. “Keep going,” he said.

  “The kids at school were brutal, so yeah. The panic attacks continued.”

  She curled into him, and he held on tight, wanting to never let go.

  “Eventually the doctor prescribed child-safe meds. And as I got older, crowds or certain situations would trigger things again. But by then I could take other medications, and things got under control. I’m fine.”

  She shrugged, clearly trying to play off the situation, something he couldn’t allow. “Except you weren’t fine today. Because you had to run the gauntlet of reporters just like you did back then, right?”

  “I didn’t pass out.” She pushed herself off him and turned so she straddled his lap instead of being tucked into him. “I admit that I panicked … I had the symptoms, and when I got into my room, I took a Xanax for the first time in a long while, but I didn’t pass out,” she said with strength and conviction.

  As if she wanted him to know she was strong. And he did. “Sugar, I know you handled it. I got here and you were giving your brother hell,” he said with pride in his voice. “So no worries there.” He pulled in a long breath, then took the conversation where he dreaded going. “The thing is, it’s part of my life, not yours, and you hate it. Which means you shouldn’t have to handle it. Especially when it brings back such painful memories.”

  His heart hurt because he wanted her to associate him with good times, not bad. Yet he didn’t know how to fix things for her. For them.

  “I’ve seriously given this a lot of thought.” She met his gaze, her eyes damp but focused on his.

  He did his best to ignore the heat of her sex above his, to tamp down the uncomfortable erection caused by her position above him. Instead he focused on her words because those moist eyes made him nervous.

  “You say you’re home to stay, and you believe it when you say it. But I know you, and music is in your heart. Playing to the crowd is in your soul. And eventually, normal life will get boring. Music will call to you, or the lure of the fans and touring will. And I’m not going to be the one to hold you back.”

  His heart, the one she claimed belonged to music, beat hard and painfully in his chest. “What are you trying to say?” Because it sounded like an ending, not the beginning he craved.

  “I’m saying that I’m here with you now. I want this time with you again except I’m older and wiser than I was before. When you go this time, I’ll be more prepared. So whatever I have to deal with now, the press, the bodyguard, I’ll get through it in order to have you. For however long it lasts.” With tears in her eyes, she leaned close and sealed her lips over his.

  Grey kissed her back, his heart in every touch of her lips and swipe of her tongue. His mind, however, was on her words. She was here because she thought this was short term. She wasn’t panicking per se, because she didn’t believe he’d be part of her future. While he was trying to cement himself in the very fabric of her being, she was holding herself back, preparing for what she perceived as an inevitable end.

  His heart nearly broke at the thought. He wanted to correct her, to set things straight, but doing so might be even worse. If he persisted in trying to convince her how serious he was about their future, if she thought she’d have to deal with the paparazzi and groupies long term, she might cut him off immediately. He couldn’t handle losing her before he ever really had her again.

  Better he stick with his original plan and make himself such a part of her life, so indispensable to her, show her how in love with her he really was … she’d be willing to put up with anything for them to be together.

  And he did love her. Not the memory of her, not the girl she’d been, but the strong, beautiful woman she was now. All of her. So he’d prove to her that he was willing to give up the touring and the insanity of the road for the chance at normal. With her by his side.

  He gripped her hair, tilted her head, and kissed her harder, taking control before he lost his damn mind by thinking too much. He tugged at the long strands, and she rewarded him with a shuddering moan, rocking her hips against his. Arousal built swiftly, as did the need slamming inside her and reminding them both that together they were bigger and better than they were alone.

  “Avery? Is that asshole gone?”

  “Ella!” Avery squeaked, her hands pushing against his chest as she quickly rolled off him. She scooted into a sitting position while he grabbed the nearest throw pillow and covered his straining, obvious erection.

  “Oh my God, I’m sorry.” Her roommate spun around in a flash of light brown hair so she could scurry back to her room.

  “Don’t go!” Avery said to her roommate.

  Why the fuck not? Grey wondered.

  “Are you sure?” Ell
a peered over her shoulder, giving Grey his first glimpse of her face.

  “Yes. I think introductions are in order.” Avery pulled herself together quicker than Grey was managing. “Ella Shaw, this is Grey Kingston.”

  Since he and Avery had only been together for senior year, though by the intensity of their feelings it felt like much longer, he hadn’t met Ella in person. He had, however, heard a lot about her.

  Cheeks flushed with embarrassment, she walked over and stuck out her hand. “Umm, nice to meet you.”

  “Likewise,” he said, shifting uncomfortably and grateful for the pillow, which she clearly hadn’t missed.

  “God, could today get any worse?” Ella asked.

  Grey shook his head, knowing he had to put the poor woman at ease. “It can only get better from here.”

  “He’s right,” Avery said. “And Tyler’s gone, so that’s a start for you.”

  That comment broke the ice, and Ella laughed, a genuine, honest giggle that Grey enjoyed, especially at Tyler’s expense.

  “Are you leaving for the airport soon?” Avery asked. She turned to Grey. “Ella works for a Miami-based designer who keeps her hopping with photo shoots and meetings.”

  “Sounds like fun.”

  “It actually is. I’m off to a tropical island so no complaints here.” She smiled. “Anyway, I have to finish packing. I came out to check on you, but clearly you’re in good hands so …” She blushed at her inadvertent sexual innuendo.

  Grey grinned. “Nice to meet you, Ella.”

  “Same here, Kingston. Take care of my girl while I’m gone,” she said, pinning him with a warning glare he took seriously.

  “I intend to.”

  As he knew from his older sister, best girlfriends were not to be underestimated. Neither was the skittish woman who wasn’t taking his intentions seriously.

  Chapter Seven

  For Avery, the afternoon passed quickly. Grey stuck around, though they didn’t discuss anything serious, just hung out like old times. He told her he liked the bright, cheerful colors she’d chosen for her apartment and he appreciated the large, comfortable furniture. She had big brothers, she reminded him, and had decorated accordingly.

  Tyler returned as promised and installed a deadbolt and new lock, necessitating two keys for entry. She refrained from rolling her eyes at him, knowing not only was this his job but he wouldn’t worry about her as much if she let him do his thing. Ella had already left for the airport, so Avery had no chance to observe her brother and her best friend again and figure out the tension she’d noticed earlier.

  By the time Tyler finished working and left for the day, it was dinnertime. “What time are we going to your parents’?” she asked.

  Grey didn’t answer immediately, and she walked over to where he sat on the sofa. Head bent, notepad in hand, he hummed to himself, jotting things down, lost in thought. Or in his own head.

  This was Grey as she remembered from high school. Often she’d find him sitting somewhere, anywhere—the cafeteria, at a desk, outside under a tree. To the outsider, he was daydreaming, but Avery knew he was writing songs in his head, putting words to paper.

  She smiled and came up behind him, wrapping her arms around his neck and snuggling her face close to his.

  “Hey, sugar.”

  Her stomach tumbled at the endearment, and she sighed happily. Here, when they were alone, just Avery and Grey, she could pretend the outside world didn’t exist. She could put her problems, their problems, into a little box, shut the lid, and forget for a little while. It was one of the coping strategies her first psychologist had taught her, and it came naturally now.

  “Hey yourself. Tyler’s gone. Yelled good-bye. You didn’t even hear him go.”

  He winced.

  “He didn’t notice,” she said.

  “More like he didn’t care, but don’t worry. We’ve come to an understanding.”

  And she appreciated the effort they were both making even if Grey’s was more overt than her brother’s. “When do you want to go to your parents’?” she asked again.

  “I figured after the day you had, you’d be exhausted and want to stay in tonight.”

  She frowned and walked around the sofa, sitting down beside him. “Are you trying to avoid going there?” She knew he’d have to face his mom, and sooner was better than later.

  “No, I just thought you wouldn’t want to deal with the paparazzi if we go out.”

  She closed her eyes and pulled in a deep breath. “I thought we discussed this. I’ll deal with whatever I have to.”

  “For now,” he tacked on, repeating her words from earlier. He didn’t seem to like or understand why she’d said them. More like he didn’t want to.

  Instead of getting back on that topic, she picked up his cell phone and held it out to him. “Call your mom. Tell her we’re coming over.” She rose to her feet.

  “Where are you going?” he asked.

  “To change and get ready to leave.” She didn’t want to head over to his mom’s in the ratty jean shorts she’d changed into to hang around for the afternoon.

  “You’re being bossy.”

  “You like me bossy.” She spun and headed for the bedroom.

  “I like you,” he called out, his words ringing in her ears.

  * * *

  After Avery disappeared into her room, Grey pocketed the sheets of paper from the notepad he’d been writing in. It had been awhile since he’d worked on new lyrics. Being with Avery again had opened up the creative side of his brain that had shut down after Milo’s overdose. He’d channeled all the longing, the need and desire into words that flowed onto the pages. Later he’d play with his guitar, putting them to the music floating in his head.

  Being with Avery sparked his imagination. Of course it was hell not touching her as he’d watched her help Tyler. She’d pulled her long hair into a ponytail that bounced against her back as she moved. Her sweet ass, enclosed in tight, denim shorts, had provided dirty thoughts and distractions, none of which he could act on with her brother in the room. But their banter and bickering had also helped his artistic expression. Anything she did, it seemed, brought out the best in his muse.

  When she finally rejoined him, she’d changed into a flowing lavender sundress with a halter top that cinched at the waist, accentuating her sexy curves. It was a casual dress, perfect for his mom’s impromptu barbeque that she’d insisted on putting together when she heard not only was Grey coming over, he was bringing Avery. The excitement in her voice helped quell Grey’s nerves and guilt, though he knew neither would go away completely until he apologized and explained.

  For now, his focus was on his girl. He refused to think of Avery as anything less and whistled appreciatively as she entered the room.

  She blushed, twirled, and curtsied. “Glad you like.”

  Nothing not to like, he thought and grinned. “Are you ready to face the lions?”

  The smile on her face fell a bit, and his heart squeezed at how easily he’d taken her happiness.

  “Didn’t Tyler say they were gone from out front?” she asked.

  Grey nodded. “They are. But one of them could be waiting on a public road, ready to follow us. They take pictures from cars too,” he explained, knowing she had to understand every part of his life.

  She swallowed hard. “We’ll have Rick Devlin following us,” she said of the bodyguard her brother had assigned to her.

  She’d objected to being driven around like a pampered princess, so Grey and her brother had agreed to let Rick tail her instead. Marco often doubled as Grey’s driver when going to and from venues for concerts and appearances, but he didn’t think things were that intense at the moment.

  They’d be fine. He didn’t like the idea of needing protection, but he couldn’t expect Avery to accept things easily if he didn’t.

  “Good point,” he said with a forced smile on his face.

  “What’s wrong?” Avery looked at him with concern in her pr
etty eyes.

  Fuck that. He didn’t want to make her sad or have her worry unnecessarily.

  He reached out and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “Not a thing. I’m actually looking forward to being alone with you in the car and taking a nice drive in my Aston Martin,” he said with an easier, more genuine grin.

  She groaned. “Better than us slumming it in my BMW. Jeez, Grey, do you hear yourself?”

  He laughed. “Only the best for you, Very. The Aston Martin it is.”

  A little while later, Avery gave Rick the keys to Grey’s car in a discreet exchange at the building’s entrance. The bodyguard pulled up front for them. He and Grey exchanged places, Avery sliding into the passenger seat, no photographers, no incident. Still, knowing they were driving his showy car, Grey wore a Mariner’s cap Avery had lying around along with his sunglasses. Avery slid hers on too, and with Rick following close behind, they were on their way.

  During the drive to Grey’s parents’, Avery chatted about Rick, who apparently had also done bodyguard duty for her sister-in-law Meg a few months ago. Grey kept an eye on him in the rearview mirror. The guy kept up with his driving and clearly had an eye on the road and another one behind him. Grey relaxed when he realized the other man would keep Avery safe when Grey wasn’t around.

  They pulled up to the patio home Grey had bought for his mother and stepfather in a safe, gated community. Because of Grey’s fame, he’d insisted on a development with security for his mom, and they’d accepted his requirement in exchange for some of their own. Namely no cookie cutter complex where all homes looked alike, and they wanted the ability to do gardening on the grounds of their home themselves. No community association telling them what they could and couldn’t plant, what their house had to look like, or who they had to hire for the things they couldn’t do themselves.

  Grey’d been so happy they had been willing to leave the not-so-safe area where he’d grown up, he’d deposited money into an account and stepped back. Too far back, he accepted now. As he parked the car, he drew in a deep breath. Time to make amends, he thought.